Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Just on this. I am pretty certain I am in the same country as OP. I have my kids almost 100% (which is what I wanted from the start). I know several other women where that is the case because the Dads are /were unengaged. If she states this as an objective to her lawyer, and can demonstrate that he does basically no child care, then she will be OK.

I think deep down he would like a divorce but doesn't want to lose any of his money. He also (like alot of men) doesn't want to be on his own. Even his mum told him he'd be more miserable alone than married. But I don't want to live with a miserable man anymore. It's horrible, treading on egg shells all of the time, dealing with all of the negativity, ruminating. He's so detached from family life I doubt I'd even notice if he wasn't there.

just be careful here- he may want you not to have the money more than he actually wants it.

@Randomer27 yes we are in the same country. Can I ask, did you divorce there or in the UK? What was your experience? Happy to pm if preferred.

@Randomer27 yes you are right, I'm sure he would rather stay in his "miserable marriage" to avoid losing any money.

Agreed with @Randomer27

If he is a narcissist, he will want to win and you to lose above all. Try not to give him any drama which is easier said than done in a divorce.

Be as boring as you can be.

He will have to get used to the fact that he will loose money. He made a decision to get married and make vows of sharing everything. So sod him if he looses money.

I usually disagree with suggestions like this but this idea I would go with in your situation. Genius. See a solicitor first and start proceedings.

If you're a UK citizen and especially if you married in the UK it is definitely worth enquiring with a lawyer about whether you can file for divorce in the UK courts from abroad. I was here in the UK but my ex was living halfway across the world for most of our divorce. I think he instructed a solicitor before he left (I was the one who petitioned the divorce) but from that point onwards it was mostly email contact with the lawyers for both of us.

There’s much easier ways of avoiding child support than having your child 50:50 ( at least in the Uk). mostly these men just threaten it to upset and control the mum.

My ex said he wanted the kids 50:50 or even 100% of the time, as he would get custody as I was crazy. In the end , he walked out without a backward glance and sees them about 2-3 times a year for a few hours. He’s never had them overnight and doesn’t pay a penny.

It’s all about winning for narcs. They want to destroy you and the kids are just weapons.

Do you mind saying what country you're in, @Hummusandcrisps?

I wouldn't say what country I was in, @Hummusandcrisps . No real need for anyone on here to know this.

@ConfusedNoMore yes exactly that. I know he will want me to suffer as much as possible. He holds grudges against people he feels have "wronged him". He will do everything to avoid paying a penny. We have a property in the UK that is rented out which we jointly own so that is one thing I might have some control over.

100% this.

Some people. Not all sufferers.

OP, I just typed a long message but it deleted itself.
I just got divorced in Spain from someone like this. EXACTLY like this.

He hid ALL his money and went for full custody, hid his properties, said I was mad, an alcoholic etc etc. Demanded DD and I saw a court psychologist. Wasted time. I got 100% custody.

This lovely lady on facebook (completely free - just follow her posts) is a tremendous source of advice in divorcing a narcissist. I will definitely use her when exH inevitably tries to evict me and DD from his holiday home. Wish I had found her sooner:Nawal Houghton (sp?). She is a divorce coach (international) and lawyer. She has been through this. All free content, unless you book a session with her. But she seems very reasonable.

Get everything translated and noterised if you decide to get divorced where you are.
Specifically the text messages regarding your son.
Any proof of doctors appts YOU did etc.
Passports/IDs
Birth and marriage certificates. All easily doable online. The lawyer will need them.
Keep your powder dry. xxx

OP, I can’t speak from experience nor give you any advice, except as previous posters have said, get legal advice from both UK and your current country’s side. Especially, as I assume, you were married in the UK.

Stay strong.

What kind if things did your DH say if you don’t mind sharing?

Honestly, the more threads I read with DH writing comments about their wives or other women’s appearances on WhatsApp, the more I’m glad to be single!

To the OP - I can only second what most other posters have said. Get legal advice and make a plan to leave.

You can read what comments he made by clicking 'see all' on OP's posts

Just a consideration..you may end up stuck there if you decide at a later point you want to move and if things get nasty. As others have pointed out you may be best all returning to uk and then splitting.

You don't think that his decision to make himself unemployed, having 'gross misconduct' on his previous employment and regularly leaving his employment is strategic in anyway?
Forcing you to be separated from your child to ensure family finances are now your responsibility and making you exhausted to not be able to care for your joint child?
Or that he has a record for being unable to provide maintenance so therefore financially screwing your chance to maintain a financially secure future for your family?
Moving you away from your family and friends means you're got less people to confide in and he has all his friends (who believe his victimhood) and this could mean a great support for when he applies for full custody and puts your child into ful time childcare through his support network.
I wouldn't trust a man who lies in bed most days, moaning that the woman in his life is lazy.
If he's can stoop low enough to insult the mother of his child, then he's capable of most things.
Find out how you can apply for fully custody with supervised visits for him in the country you're in.
Alternatively find a reason why you and your son (and him if necessary) need to return to the UK and then do not go back with him abroad, live with family and go part time.
What ever works to get the best future for your child.

F*ck that! Of course you can look at his phone if he's said such things
Don't let him guilt you about that.

What an awful man. Tread carefully as I exposed similar truths to my ex (he'd been cheating) and he went crazy. Maybe talk to a trusted friend and have them with you when you first discuss it.

Sending love. You will do better and clearly don't need this man in your life. Remember, it's not about you - he probably has deep rooted problems that he's putting on you.

It might sound like a little thing - but having seen your updates, you're not a SAHM, you are a carer to a child with additional needs. Don't let your husband devalue all that you to support your son. You sound amazing!

I just had to comment because this is one of the more heartbreaking posts I have ever read on here. Your husband’s behaviour has been deplorable. I have never suggested LTB before but this is an open and shut case. I wish you and your DS the best of luck in your escape.

I divorced here, which took 18 months
I spent 20K on lawyer fees plus maybe 2K on court fees. There was a strict 50:50 division on assets based here.
The cost of equally dividing assets abroad (I.e. UK) would of have been prohibitively expensive and we ended up each keeping their own. Our divorce was mediated/ agreed outside court

I think my experience is closer to normal, but also know people 5-6 years into a contested divorce that are not yet through it.