Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

I’ve just read your post about his mental health issues.

I have a partner who has bad mental health. It was so bad that every day he had off work for parental leave he would threaten to harm himself. I’m talking full breakdown and me breaking down begging him not to hurt himself. It got so bad I eventually called lifeline and the Police. Turns out what he was doing was a form of abuse. He did it for attention and to torment me.

Here I was taking him to GP’s to get emergency inpatient treatment and believing he’s genuinely ill and it was all a performance to hurt me. One of the many cops who showed up at the house told me that abusers often have mental health issues. I realise now that it didn’t excuse his behaviour.

His own GP told him to his face to cut it out. I won’t go into detail what his psychiatrist did.

Please read the book by Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? I’ve put a link to a free copy I found on Reddit:-

https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1c5vjjl/free_pdf_of_why_does_he_do_that_by_lundy_bancroft/

He bitches to his friends about you so that they hate you.

Please read the book and realise that his behaviour towards you is because he’s an abuser.

Perspective: A load of stupid blokes talking bollocks and making stuff up. In private.

It’s what blokes (often) do.

Then you looked at his phone. Always a bad move which rarely ends well.

It probably won’t help and you won’t believe me, but just because a bloke says something does not mean it’s true, or that he actually means or believes it.

I may of course be wrong, but would you concede I may not be?

How is/was your relationship before this discovery?

OP this is absolutely devastating. Please don’t stress about looking at his phone. How you found out is a million percent the lesser of any two evils! Don’t even apologise to him over that. I wouldn’t lie about it either.
I am so so sorry. No one deserves to be dehumanised and spoken about that way. To have a life partner DH do this is the ultimate betrayal. No way to ever come back. How could you ever trust him again? Whatever he says he’s shown how he really feels.
If the others have been complicit shame on them. I’d be tempted to what’s app them all when I was ready to leave: Hi it’s X. I left him today after seeing your What’s App group chat 💬. Many of his complaints and statements about me for the record are not true but none of you questioned it and all jumped on the band wagon. It’s pretty devastating to know how you speak behind our backs. Just want you to know a family split up today because or it. If you have daughters is this how you’d like her to be spoken about or treated? Appreciate I’ll probably be subject to more ridicule for speaking out but something had to be said.

I just wanted to say I think you are amazing to 'Iearnt the local language, passed the language test, went back to uni & retrained & now I'm working again, soon to be full time' let alone look after a child mostly by yourself, let alone holding it together after what you read.
Him being out of your life will be no loss - and if he thinks he is depressed now - god help him when you are not there as his whipping boy, propping him up and supporting him through his job losses. But never mind I am sure all his shitty mates can step into support him
You, I have no doubt will thrive without him as a lead weight around your neck.

Beware, he’s almost certainly going to turn VERY nasty when you leave or he finds out your plans so try to protect everything as far as you can and expect the worst from this horrible man.

Good luck xx

@IridiumSky
Your standards are pitifully low.

RTFT! 🙄

If your current jurisdiction is likely to award 50-50 custody, I’d strongly consider coming back to the UK (to visit family maybe?) and petitioning for divorce here. I think it will be a pain, but long term, might suit you better

This is very true..

Perspective: A stupid bloke joins the thread with a stupid opinion. What is it with these 'manosphere' types stalking theses threads to try and manipulate and guilt the OP's with archaic 'stand by your man' and DARVO sh*t. 😂

Are you one of theses stupid blokes? I think you might be. Too stupid to read all the OP's posts at least. And yes, you are very very wrong.

^Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself
That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.^

FFS. This is really bad advice!

I think OP has enough on her plate without resolving to extra drama in her life.
If she does this it will be like landing in a bad soap in which she will be seen as "the bad guy".

She needs all the support she can get.

OP, you sound amazing how you have established yourself in a strange country while dealing with both your son and your husband. I wish you all the best.

Oh, and that "therapist" of your husband's should have her licence revoked.

you won’t believe me, but just because a bloke says something does not mean it’s true, or that he actually means or believes it.

Quite conversely, we've all met enough bullshitters and gaslighters in our time to know that simply because it Came From The Mouth Of Bloke doesn't mean something is true. That doesn't mean words don't have weight, or consequences.

Having read the OPs other posts, it's clear the relationship has significant issues.

I’m so sorry this is happening but please be proud of how far you have come and all the hard work you have put into retraining and essentially setting up a new life. You and your son deserve so much more and I hope you can find the courage to leave this vile man. As others have said sort out all the legal and financial aspects and make sure you and your son are safe. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way.

Who gives a fuck if he actually believes it or not? It's actually optional to continue to live with someone who is paranoid and spreading hate and lies about you and the relationship far and wide in order to encourage others to hate the OP.

Two firm facts of life are that men will always defend other men, no matter how cuntish their behaviour, and secondly that a lot of men have "depression" which curiously only extends as far as their front door. Beyond that they seem fine to go on the lash with their mates or when trying to pull the 19 year old girl in the office. Strange isn't it.

What was he like when you met? Is this all down to life's 'disappointments'?

not sure if I have missed it but just incase you haven’t done so, take photos of all the messages. Especially the one where he has said she can keep your child but not his money. It will all help you in regards of custody.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Even if they didn't mean it (unlikely) why on earth would they say it?

Wouldn't occur to a half-decent man to do this

Well today I uncovered another gem between in him and his friend - I'm checking frequently as I gather things that may be useful.
DH is very upset that "he pays for everything" and his mate replies "yeh that's women though, they don't pay for anything".
They are very welcome to each other.

WHY don’t people RTFT before offering these pearls of wisdom?

It probably won’t help and you won’t believe me, but just because a bloke says something does not mean it’s true, or that he actually means or believes it

So based on this logic @IridiumSky its ok for women to tell their mates a bloke has a tiny dick and/or is crap in bed as long as they dont believe or mean it

@Nanny0gg we have been together for 15 years and when we met he was very charming, love bombed me for at least the first 8 years. But he has always had mental health problems, suffered with depression the whole way through. I think the catalyst for the demise (in his head) is me not working for the last 5 years and therefore not making any valuable contribution to the household and that has made him resentful. Despite facilitating his career, his well being, looking after an autistic son full time for 4 years (when he couldn't), and navigating living abroad, learning the language, retraining etc. Having a family isn't what he thought it would be. Having an autistic son isn't what he wanted - I found Internet searches on his laptop "divorcing because of autistic child". Before I had a career that suited his ego, it was quite a glamorous job, i had more time for my appearance. Now he doesn't like the reality of SAHM/WFH, a few pounds heavier, a bit more tired, older etc..I don't look awful, far from it, but I don't look like I did 10 years ago, like most people. But he is only really interested in himself and what is best for him. It's black and white to me now.

I undertand why you are deeply hurt, and perhaps you need to go on gathering evidence to assure yourself that this is not a one off unfair comment but it’s who he is. He has been systematically lying about you ( and no doubt to you ) for years.

But the harsh facts are that poor conduct or even abuse make little difference in the divorce settlement in most European jurisdictions . So as well as fact finding about his behaviour, you need to concentrate on finding assets, as he will quickly hide anything once he has a hint that you want a divorce.

You also need to research legal issues, such as where you can divorce, where (if anywhere ) you can move with your child, cross border issues.

The best revenge that you can get is not a show down at his birthday party ( tempting as it is ). It’s getting a fair settlement for you and your child and building a new life without him.

I know you hope that he will co parent but it’s very unlikely for a narc. They get much more narcissistic supply out of not seeing their kids and making everyone they know feel sorry for them, than they do from actually seeing their children. It’s heartbreaking 😢.

He is also someone who takes zero responsibility for themselves. It is always someone else's fault. Getting fired for gross misconduct is not his fault apparently. Every 3 years he either leaves a job or "has to leave". It's always because of "someone, his boss, the company". I think it's all just highlighted how much I now just crave "normal, consistency, stability".