Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Take advice from a decent solicitor - I was in this situation and I was advised not to look for work until the financial settlement is agreed as your income will be taken into account. If you’ve been a SAHM, then you can present your reasons to the court to continue with this arrangement - eg until child is in senior school. Set up your own bank account, if you don’t have a separate one already, and start siphoning money off into it. Good luck and what a nasty prick he is. I love the party suggestion as a legendary unveiling of him as a c* - projector up and a slide show of all the comments.

So sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get yourself into a position to be financially independent, despite the lack of encouragement and support from your husband. You should be very proud of yourself. Although he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, I think he will be sorely disappointed. I wish you all the best for your future happiness. You so deserve it.

So sorry you're being bashed unfairly behind your back. Please keep in mind that friends very often just socially agree with each other and that what they actually think may be quite a bit different. I doubt he's fooling everyone. In my experience, few people do. They just think they do lol.

As for the deeper issues here, from what you've posted it sounds like this is more like "the very last straw" than anything that should carry too much weight in the overall scheme of things, after you get over the shock of his trashing you like that , that is.

It actually sounds to me like a good thing, though delivered in a nasty way because you have really tried but your husband is just not husband material and would likely never be able to hold up his end very well, all around.

I can clearly see someone in your situation looking back in a year and being very, very happy and proud that you got out of this mess and on to a better life.

Deep breaths, chin up and all that, dear. You can do this. :)

I'm guessing his text to his mates that included "... she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money" would speak volumes to any judge too. What a prince! 😡

@ThisChic was replying to @Darkambergingerlily who wrote "Oh OP huge handhold. I’ve read some horrible messages about me on husbands phone and never dared to mention I’ve seen them. I just sit with it knowing what’s been said" - not to OP.

Same here!

There is a BS saying “single women keep women single” which I hear. But as a long term single my self - it’s the stories I hear from women in relationships that keep me single.

Jesus Wept it’s too much! 😓

No not necessarily. Not true for everyone! What a ridiculous sweeping statement.

Fuck his milestone birthday;use the money you were planning on spending on the ungrateful lying shit to have some appointments with a decent solicitor to find out where you stand then divorce the twat.

@Hummusandcrisps I'm so sorry OP, this must have been utterly crushing for you - dear God, how low can a man stoop to write such repugnant lies about his own DW? (Not to mention the rampant, repulsive misogyny in those discussions.) He sounds utterly vile (as do his friends) and his poor MH isn't a good enough excuse for treating you this way (his narcissism is a good explanation for it though).
You, however, sound AMAZING OP! (I read your posts to my DH and he thinks you're amazing too.) To have such class, composure and self-control, having read those messages, and yet still be able to resist swinging a heavy object at his head - you're a stronger woman than me OP! Of course, from all your posts I totally understand why you need to box clever in this situation (you've shown yourself to be more than capable) and play your cards close to your chest, so I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world in achieving a good (for you) divorce from this awful excuse for a man. I suppose if you could find any silver lining in reading those messages, it's that they've given you permission to free yourself of his dead weight, dragging you down and making you so unhappy. He simply doesn't deserve an accomplished, caring, supportive wife like you OP - you've done enough - enjoy cutting him loose!
I have to say though (and I know you can't do this) but I am enjoying a fantasy of you making a slide-show of those messages and using it as a basis for your speech at his birthday party - just imagine his and his friends' faces ... 😉
HUGE hugs OP. 🤗

Christ, what an asshole.
He’s harmed you - the one person in the universe he swore to love and protect.
That sucks, and it’s a stab in the heart - isn’t it?
I’m very sorry. So sorry.
When your plans are in place and you’re ready to leave, what you want to say to him more than anything else, is “I don’t care any more.”
Then close the door behind you.
That’s the most hurtful thing you can say to anybody.
I’m sending my love across a continent and an ocean and another continent.
You take care of yourself and your child. ❤️

AND TAKE COPIES OF ALL THE OFFENDING TEXTS AND MESSAGES!!

When I divorced back in the 90s, it was in the US but we were living in different states - and each state has its own divorce laws.
I was in our home in California when he called & said he wanted to divorce, “but let’s keep going like we’re going.”
Which set off alarm bells - because I knew he was cheating and I was fearful that he’d file in the state he was living.
So I filed in California - and that made him BEYOND FURIOUS. I mean, the man probably had smoke coming out of his ears when he was served.
He kept me in court for over a year - and my 199? (I don’t remember any more) like 1993 attorney bill was $85,000 which is $188,117 in 2025.
It broke me - psychologically and financially.
Be prepared.
I still remember the shambles I was in.

All this talk about taking him to the cleaners… if you’re worried about child custody arrangements can you not soften it a bit for him. Propose a settlement where you’re not taking him to the cleaners, just taking what’s fair regarding your son and in return you’ll take on full care of your son. If he’s lost his high paying job and can’t hang on to his jobs generally he doesn’t seem like he is rolling in it or a good financial prospect anyway.

You need to confront him. And the reason you aren't is because you don't want to lose him, not because you went through his phone. You are scared he will leave.

If you confront him with this evidence, what is he likely to do? Of he blames you then you have your answer.

It could just be lads banter, I say that because what you have found says to me that he is really insecure in himself.

What a load of old pony.

Why do you think that OP doesn't want to lose him? Have you read all the OP's posts? She is planning to divorce him but needs to decide in which country to file for divorce, the UK or the country she is currently living in.

She would love him to leave but he doesn't want to. Despite slagging her off and telling horrible lies about her, he has still said to his mates that it's better being married to her than being on his own.

OP is a very capable woman and her DH is a whinging liability. His mental health is poor and he takes to his bed for days. He has recently lost his job due to gross misconduct and has now had to take a job on half his previous salary. Apparently, this is a regular occurrence for him and he only manages to stay in a job for a couple of years before they try and get rid of him. OP on the other hand has managed to learn a new language, retrain for a new profession and work as a contractor while caring for their autistic child. She is applying for permanent roles.

Her life will be so much better without this toxic millstone of a DH round her neck.

@Hummusandcrisps & @Darkambergingerlily

my heart goes out to you both. I haven’t worked for several decades due to ill health. My dh has been supportive and if I found messages like yours I’d be heartbroken.

in my previous life I was a family solicitor. Get advice from both jurisdictions and do not let him know anything until you are ready. Good luck.

Thank you @AngelicKaty - this had bypassed me.

I think realistically you’ve hit the nail on the head - there seem to be a lot of people who like the idea of a family more than the work and dedication that goes into one, especially if the child has additional needs. I’m sure there are times when you’ve missed the more glamorous life beforehand and I’ve got 2 under 2 and there are times I miss my prior freedom as well - but the difference is when you truly love your child it all makes up for it and you wouldn’t change anything. He clearly does not. Setting aside how he’s treated you - I can’t imagine how he could say he’d happily walk away from your son if he could keep his money. Not in a million years would I make that choice and from the sounds of it neither would you. That to me would be the incontrovertible proof of the sort of person he is.

@Aimtodobetter the thing to remember if @Hummusandcrisps is dealing with a narcissist, is that the family is a status symbol for him and a mask to project his 'good guy's image to the world. My ex has a nauseating profile on his social media about doing the right thing for his lad and being a good father. This is a man who had prostitutes in the family home and ultimately made his wife and young son homeless. They're full of shit.

Exh fought for 50/50 because he wanted to be seen that way and wanted to punish me, not because he wanted to be a loving father. He'd still try and convince himself otherwise though. He can't truly admit what he is because it would shatter his sense of self.

Same here! Why would any woman want a man following 5000 different women with fake airbrushed content and messaging them thrist comments? 🤮

What a load of absolute tosh - and don't tell people what their motivations are when you couldn't possibly know.
And tell me you didn't read all of OP's posts without telling me you didn't read all of OP's posts - you certainly missed the one where OP told us they had an argument two weeks ago and she told him she wanted out of the marriage, but he begged for another chance. 🙄
She's the catch, not her "D"H who just needs to be thrown back, which is precisely what OP is now planning for, but she has to get organised and be clever about it because he will fight her every step of the way to "keep his money".

@Hummusandcrisps an absolute arsehole - and I don’t care if it was ‘bravado’ as several posters implied or not. You OP are an amazing lady and he’s not fit to breathe the same air as you - get your ducks in a row, take legal advice as to where is best to divorce, make sure if your residency situation if you wish to stay and get rid.

i rather like the idea of saying one of his friends gave you a heads up - can’t be proved one way or the other - my head likes the slide show idea but as someone else said probably best saved for Hollywood.

The Stepford Wives on this thread 🙄

Same, just for shits and giggles. Whilst this was going on, I'd have movers cleaning out the house.

@justasking111 there’s always a few prepared to put up with and make excuses for utter arseholes at any price so long as their lifestyle stays in tact .