New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

I've been watching this thread with interest. It's clear you really know what you're doing. I've been entertained by your humour and impressed with your strength.

My two penny's worth:

I DO think people can change. My OH was selfish and thoughtless and is now far less so - turns out he had ADHD and literally didn't know any better because he brain is wired different.

But I also believe people will change if they don't like their life; relationships make them happier, they morph into different people with different wants and likes. Drinking in the bar til closing was probably filling a gap of not going home to a loved one. I'm a vastly different person than when I met my OH years ago too. Mostly, for the better.

Finally, and most importantly, this is exactly the sort of thread that ends up going viral. So, for both your sakes, I'd now delete it. Good luck OP. Exciting times ahead, and if anyone's qualified to 'got this' based on previous life experiences, it's you.

ps the trigger isn’t relevant to any of you only me and him, so that can remain private

Oh come on OP!

The 'trigger' is the most important factor in all of this.

You've had almost 1000 posts so this will close down soon.

Your lack of honesty over what triggered this is bit unfair. I know you owe us nothing and that's your call of course, but a lot of posters have put a good deal of time and effort into trying to help you- you did ask for advice.

To leave your thread without being honest is just a bit , well....you can decide.

On another note, interesting to see you were up at 4.37am today posting!!!

What a peculiar interpretation of a post that simply asks you to explain your thinking in calling people who think this one man's behaviour unacceptable 'anti men'. I wouldn't dream of inviting you to debate feminism with me.
Just curious as to why you think criticism of one man means being anti them all?

oh give over. She doesn’t owe anyone here a single detail of her or his personal life.

OP, I know what it's like to have met someone new with whom it seems to be working out. I hope that your relationship continues to go from strength to strength and he turns out to be the man that you hope he is.

If not, well, at least you had some fun in the meantime! But if the merest hint of a worry crosses your mind, you clearly know what to do.

@NewManIssue you sound like a good woman of substance OP. However I'd be concerned that his friends can't believe the change in him. He's probably a nice guy, but, something tells me he's a bit of a loser. Tread carefully.

@NewManIssue I'm struggling to make sense of your reasoning and logic through this thread.

You said you wouldn't think twice about walking about and not looking back, if he knew, well it's very clear he knew. At the time you thought it was sweat, so he allowed you to think. Extremely misleading. He left you soaked by his piss and your bed completely ruined, yes he's ordered new stuff, but it's inconvenient and the fact he knew he has triggers and still allowed himself to get in that situation with a woman he's known a month is shocking. Also the weekend away, was clearly him trying to divert the attention from what he'd done in the hope that you wouldn't mention it.

The message this morning, I was going to bring it up.... Like hell was he. Is manipulative as hell that message.

You say that you've been in abusive relationships and even deliver the Freedom Programme, then you should know that a man changing for a woman is a huge red flag. Sitting drinking in the restaurant, how do you know he's not going home and drinking? Just because it's no longer in the restaurant. If you do try and walk, it will be oh you've changed me so much I'm not sure what id do without you etc spiel, without a doubt because it's glaringly obvious from what you've said.

You've talked about it being casual and you can take it or leave it, yet you've met each others friends and he's met your daughter all in a month.

So many people have put it on this thread, over 75% Of the messages are in line with this.

Maybe it has been fun, but are you ever going to enjoy a night together knowing that he may have an accident in your bed? You won't sleep, you'll be on edge wondering what if.... Checking the beds not wet. Your weekend away, what if he does it in the hotel bed?! The embarrassment. Extra cleaning charges etc. Is this all your worthy of? Have some self respect.

I sincerely think you need to sit and reflect before you see him again....

Good luck OP , love the humour and attitude
Do what’s right for you !

and yes I judge a man by his friends …

I had to laugh at this!

She's spent 3 days posting most intimate stuff and giving lots of information other than the 'trigger'.

If you read carefully you will see I said she owed us nothing BUT.....

She asked for advice. But she's withheld vital facts.

So who needs to give over?

I think its fine to give me a second chance but this is a waving red flag

"who told me how much he has changed since he met me"

Big. Red. Flag. Waving right at you

It seems to be a trend across Mumsnet, not personally directed at you. Any slight behaviour that is not tolerated is LTB, they’re an alcoholic, must be on drugs etc. what’s happened to empathy and compassion within a relationship?

I think in your shoes I’d give him a miss…it may be a one off and everyone deserves a second chance….

But…. the bit about how much he’s changed since he met you would concern me….

i think he could be more trouble than he’s worth …

I’d proceed with caution if you feel he’s worth a go from my experience with the benefit of life and hindsight I’d probably not.

Sounds like drug and alcohol issues …which are highly prevalent in the industry he’s in …pressure etc

A fifty year old bedwetter…how wonderful! Could life offer more?

Thanks for the update, OP. Wishing you luck with Mr Swampy.

I suppose we would have to agree to disagree on what constitutes slight behaviour if we're using this case as an example, as what this guy did isn't 'slight' in my opinion. I've often seen people accuse MN of being 'anti men' and wondered what led them to feel that way. It's useful to know that criticising a man for drunken bedwetting is the sort of thing people are talking about when they accuse posters of being anti men, because I think it gives perspective to the accusations for anyone who might be wondering if they're true.

I am working today so trying to respond when I can as I know how arsed off posters can get if an OP disappears and they feel they deserved a response.

I do appreciate all replies and I have received some great advice and insights however I make my own mind up and live with the consequences.

I can see flags, but don’t necessarily feel they are all red FOR ME. We all have tolerance levels and things we do and don’t class as deal breakers, I have said and some posters have recognised, I am not desperate for a relationship, I have a great life but a partner would be nice one day. I am not even sure his working hours etc are conducive to long term for me, but what happened to having FUN! I don’t want a new husband, but living in a new area its great to have expand my social circle – and yes as for still seeing his friends if we were no longer a couple, his best friend is a woman who I am certain I would remain friends with, we already are and have met up separately.

We talked at length about him wetting the bed, not just what I quickly typed in a message, and although we identified possible reasons/triggers, they were not the case this week. Potentially a health issue I had already pondered about (sleep apnoea) could be involved as we have spent half a dozen nights together as I think I mentioned and I have noticed this possibility every time. This thread has been very useful for me to help identify what could cause it and ask direct questions.

Someone mentioned I am giving him another chance – not sure how to word it any better but yes I am giving him this one chance – is it another or a second or a last? Whatever, he has the opportunity to make the lifestyle changes he needs to (alcohol intake if this is part of the problem) and see his GP to discuss anything else that may be an issue – he has already said he was bothered as he was going to the loo more which is another thing he needs to discuss there.

Someone mentioned me being online at 4.37am, I have a bad cough and now a very sorry throat, I am not sleeping as a result and I get up at 5am to go to the gym and walk my dog before work anyway but I didn’t realise I had a curfew.

I really don’t like the nit picking over my life and posts but I feel I probably deserve this for sharing so much – I am often too open. I do read all responses and I do take it all in.

The Freedom Programme doesn’t cover all character flaws, its primarily for domestic abuse. Nothing he is doing constitutes domestic abuse. No doubt some posters will respond to say X Y and Z do, but having been the victim of this in the past, they don’t, not for me.

He had an accident, we are actually at a loss as to why unless around 4 pints of lager (I checked the volume of the bottles when I got home ) and potential sleep apnoea could be it. It’s not been a regular thing, it’s been a once or twice thing and at this stage I have to believe him as I have nothing else to go on.

I am struggling to understand how it is wrong to have met his friends within 5 weeks of meeting him, we have been to social events together and I have been to his work a few times where he also has friends. As for meeting my 32 year old daughter, she walked into a place we were having lunch together, as I have said a couple of times I think, I was hardly going to hide under the table?!

I think I have covered most of what the queries were, apologies if not!

I am thankful this thread will soon close, as I won’t have time to respond further today due to commitments at work and home, I hope nothing I have said offends anyone further. However even if I have to come back on a week/month/year and because it didn’t work out - I will if its related to anything in this thread for sure!

Thanks again everyone.

I can't believe the posters commending him for his reaction when the OP spoke to him, and being all sweet about him.

HE PISSED ALL OVER HER BED, DIDN'T SAY A WORD, AND LEFT HER TO CLEAN UP HIS MESS!

Women fawn over men way too much.

OP hope you have bought a good quality waterproof mattress cover!

I think it’s a shame this happened. OP has stated quite clearly over and over that she’s not desperate for a man. None of us are perfect and if it’s perfection you’re looking for you’re going to be alone a long time. I’m glad she’s giving him a chance. Best wishes to you OP x

Good luck with everything, you seem like a really lovely person and just ignore the idiots! Go with your gut and do what’s right for you x

There’s a HUGE middle ground between perfection and a 50 year old man wetting the bed and staying quiet about it!!!

There is no way he didn’t know it was piss. Even if it’s an unusual occurrence for him, he should have addressed it with you sooner OP. I think the whole scenario shows a clear lack of respect for you and your property.

Yeah, nothing gives off ‘not desperate’ vibes more than willingly staying with someone you’ve only known 4 weeks, who pissed in your bed, didn’t tell you, left you to clean it up and only admitted it, apologised and sorted recompense when confronted. Added to the assurance that you’d walk away without a backward glance if it was the case he knew this was even a possibility, but when discovering that not only did he know, he actively used a known trigger of the behaviour, still not walking away, and instead going off to buy waterproof bedding. Not desperate at all, no siree.

Well, quite. But if posters acknowledged that they wouldn’t be able to accuse us of being LTB-screeching man-haters, would they?!