Seen your updates @NewManIssue.
100% agree you should have some fun. If he’s a lovely man, fun to be with and you click, then why not? Life’s too short. You’re not looking for someone to settle down and have kids with or (presumably) have to rely on financially. You don’t sound lonely or desperate.
I get why he may not have fessed up to wetting the bed, when the stakes were so high: it’d gross you out and risk you ending it with him (as it would for so many on this thread).
First, if he was naked and had been sweating, he may not have been 100% sure himself. It may have been sweat. Second, even if he was sure he’d wet, it was probably a lot to get his head around first thing, maybe with a hangover. The crushing mortification of knowing he’d done it, how to tell you, how bad it was and whether he might get away with it if you assumed it was sweat and washed the sheets. He likely didn’t know for sure how much he’d done and that it’d gone through the mattress.
Since you’ve made it clear you know, he’s handled it well. Honest, remorseful, apologetic, replacing your stuff, letting you know there are triggers.
However, is your ultimatum of ‘it must never happen again’ realistic? IMHO the key going forward is why he wets, how long he’s been doing it and how frequently, whether he’s sought medical advice and how much he’s able to manage it. Bed wetting happens involuntarily while someone’s asleep. So they can’t simply stop themselves, though they might be able to manage it. What I’d be wanting to know is can he fully manage it so it never happens?
Otherwise, it’s futile to give an ultimatum. You can’t say that to someone with a medical condition who may not be able to control the incontinence. It’d be like telling an asthmatic they must never again get breathless or wheezy. Because, if he follows all the medical advice, has treatment and it still occasionally happens, you’re setting him up to fail. It’s a matter of when you end it with him, not if. And, for him, your ultimatum has likely already changed the dynamic. He’ll feel it’s doomed. Perhaps like all his previous relationships. He won’t invest himself and simply enjoy it while he can. Whereas, if he knew you liked and cared about him enough to be understanding and supportive, it could be a wonderful long-term relationship.
If it’s a long-term condition he’s had since he was young, is there anything he can do to fully stop it? Medication? No alcohol? Not drinking anything a few hours before bed and emptying his bladder? Setting an alarm to wake him half way through the night? Does sex affect it?
If it’s a more recent problem, is it linked to alcohol or drugs, or damage their excessive use has caused? Could there be an underlying medical condition? Some people develop continence problems as they get older or due to other medical conditions. Can it be managed to the point it’ll never happen or might it occasionally happen?
I’d also be wanting to know more about his relationship with alcohol and drugs. Chefs can be notoriously hard drinkers and drug users. There’s an historic culture of it in kitchens, especially when he was young (when most people drank more). Is he alcohol dependent? Does he regularly use other drugs? There’s evidence: his work colleagues telling you he used to sit drinking alone until he met you. When did he last go for a week without a drink and what’s he like when he’s not had a drink?
I’d want to know the chicken and egg. Is his lonely drinking connected to the bed-wetting condition? Every woman he’s ever met has finished with him over his medical condition (as you’ve threatened to) when he’s actually a great guy. Which makes him miserable. As it would anyone with a medical condition or disability people can’t see beyond.
Or is he an alcoholic who’s caused damage to his liver, kidneys and bladder functioning to the point he now wets the bed? Alcoholics are often wonderfully sensitive, fun, charming people. But you never come first with them. The alcohol does. And it’s destructive. So, be careful. Ask him directly. And keep chatting to his colleagues and friends to find out a bit more backstory in case he’s deceiving you, as many alcoholics do.
Enjoy yourself, though. Just don’t get too invested or leave yourself vulnerable.