New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

He wasn’t mortified, nor did he apologise, until the op confronted him. Prior to that, he left the piss-soaked bedding there for her to deal with, didn’t acknowledge it and didn’t tell her this had happened before. Nor did he avoid the known triggers for this.
What about him ‘seems decent’?

This is really important.
Smoke and mirrors and of course you are seeing the best version of self.
As others have said over, tread very, very carefully. Think with your head and protect yourself.

OP please read the post by @AttilaTheMeerkat she speaks such sense. I thought I was being ‘kind’ and ‘empathetic’ with my ‘fun’ partner when in reality I was heavily codependent and enabling his addiction. After posting on here and engaging in counselling I realised that after an abusive upbringing I tolerated very undesirable behaviour in others as I grew up thinking that was normal. I married a sex addict ( I could describe him in more unsavoury terms but I’ll refrain) and then, post divorce, went on to date further unsuitable characters. I thought I was helping them but I was fooling myself, they wanted someone to mother them as they couldn’t look after themselves. This only became apparent months into the relationship. Unless you’ve been involved with an addict you really don’t fully understand how utterly soul destroying it is. No one is getting pleasure in trying to convince OP to dump her partner, we are trying to make her see the way this relationship is going to evolve before it’s too late

So someone who disagrees shouldn’t post?? The place will become an echo-chamber pretty quickly if that’s the case.

The op posted looking for opinions. Posters are giving theirs, which vary… that’s the beauty of a discussion forum.

OP has repeatedly stated she’s not desperate for a man, they are her words. But in the opinion of many posters, she does appear desperate. It’s not doing her any favours to not tell her that, and instead to cheerlead and tell her what a wonderfully compassionate, understanding, loving woman she is, and how she’s so great to forgive and move on. The posters who have experience of this kind of situation and can see the red flags, the ones who have had their lives and families damaged by this kind of behaviour are the ones telling her what she apparently doesn’t want to hear, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be saiid… even if the op ignores it, another poster may feel the penny drop by some straight talking.

To many here, this is not a first minor indiscretion, this is a pretty big red flag. For good reasons.

You say she has set boundaries… she set some yesterday morning and had already eroded them less than 24 hours later. That’s why people are being blunt and harsh- they can see she’s walking into a very challenging situation with her hands over her ears.

Hopefully, it won’t be a flow of urine

I think you've handled this well, despite others here who just think one strike and you're out. My one concern is that he apparently knows what triggers it, so as others have said he knew it was piss and tried to get away with it. That's not the actions of the type of honest man that I would personally choose to have a relationship with, nor the levels of integrity that I try to live by.

So if this happened to me, and I realised, I'd obviously be mortified, but I'd have to 'fess up when the boyfriend (kindly) called it sweat. I wouldn't try and wriggle out of it and 'get away with' the illusion. Deep down I'd know that we both knew. I'd just say, 'Fuck, I'm so sorry,' explain as he (eventually) did, and 'fix' it as he (eventually) did at the time. Draw a line under it and the (imaginary) boyfriend would make his own choice about seeing me again!

Okay, he's fixed the immediate in getting you a new mattress, and he's promised not to do whatever the trigger was. And I know you're going with the flow (!) and it's early days but just watch out for that 'convenient dishonesty' will you? He'll allow you to believe a lie when it's convenient for him. And then go arguably OTT when he's caught - spending ££££ on a new mattress etc when the reality is, if you hadn't realised it was piss OR had decided to keep quiet about it, he never would have replaced them... He's the type of person who will lie to avoid embarrassment, but also consequences - and it's likely not behaviour that's only reserved for when he pisses the bed.

Sounds like you, and he, have handled the situation perfectly - ideally he would have noticed and replaced straight away from what you've said about his reaction it does sound like he didn't know.
Dating in your 50s is hard and I'm glad you gave him a chance as you sound sure he's worth it.
Hope it was definitely a one off and will just become an in joke in years to come, maybe not one for the wedding speeches though😁

This is the biggest red banner.

His happiness is now your responsibility because you're accepting he's changed because of you.

Dump him and he'll revert.
Or worse
The new relationship magic wears off and you're with a pissy man who has behaviour issues.

You've settled for crap (ok actually you've settled for piss) rather than letting him down know.
The longer you go out with him the harder it'll be to rationalize dumping him.

The average domestic violence victim is assaulted 32 times before they decide to leave.

Perhaps you'll count how many times he wets the bed before you decide to end the relationship.

Only time will tell but OP thinks he's worth it so that's her choice. She made humour in it too but did confront him head on.

Good luck OP and let's hope he avoids the trigger to show you respect after you have been so forgiving of this.

Can you not look on the positive side that this for him may be the wake-up call he needs to tackle his drinking- if that's what it is?

No one here who's calling him an alcoholic has actually spelled out what happened.

People who drink a lot can usually hold their liquor.

He was with the OP all day before he slept over.

They'd both had a bit to drink- I think she said he had 5 pints over the day.

How would that make him wet the bed?

the concern is do you know how he’s supposedly changed?

Also he apparently knows what triggers his I continence and he will keep an eye on that. But did he respect you enough to tell you what causes it? After not respecting you enough to clean his own mess, that should be a given. Especially given that whatever trigger he was aware already of having - he risked it on a night spent in your bed.

Im not saying you’re wrong for giving him a second chance here but I do think you’re going to find out later (likely, sadly, much later when you’re far more invested) that there’s a lot more going on here that he’s not telling you.

It’s not about disagreeing. It’s perfectly healthy and reasonable to disagree and to handle the situation differently if it happened to you. However constantly going back to stick the boot in to the op when she has had the chat and made a decision is unnecessary and bordering on cruel, especially when it involves making personal remarks about her being desperate and having low standards.

She spoke to him and had a change of heart. I don’t think she sounds desperate at all.

I'd really like some of the doom-mongers to explain how they have diagnosed him as an alcoholic.

He was with the OP from lunchtime and they had a walk, ate, drank (she said he had about 5 pints) then overnight he wet the bed.

Usually anyone who wets the bed has lost control of their bodily functions through being very very drunk and in a deep sleep.

She's never given any indication he was drunk and in fact if he was an alcoholic he'd be less likely to lose control as his tolerance would be high.

I'm all ears....

I agree. She seems a nice person and this has all got out of hand and everyone piling in with their anti male opinions doesn’t help. Give the bloke a chance!

So sorry for your loss, hope your doing ok

Aww. You know it’s the real thing when you order waterproof mattress protectors 🙄

I suspect alcohol is not the problem alone.
There are other bad habits people have.

Ah you were getting ready to have a go at someone to make your day a little better but her DC is an adult so it's non of your businesses.

“members of staff at his restaurant who told me how much he has changed since he met me and how he talks about me all the time and they can see a difference in him.”

I would be very wary about this OP. They’re telling you he’s a fixer-upper with long-term problems that you haven’t seen yet.

So what triggers it OP? Very interested to know ….

Hey OP just read through this whole thread! Took me some time 😂 almost pissed myself as was too invested in the update! 😘

I’m so chuffed the outcome was what you wanted, and bless him too! To be honest I’ve done this once in my life I drank ALOT and pissed my bed it was soo bad and I was mortified! 🙈 so I can imagine his embarrassment when you spoke to him, I think it was lovely of him to replace the mattress and topper too not all men would do that so I do think he’s a good egg! You seem happy and very smitten and I love this! I don’t care if I get some shit for this comment because for a change it’s nice to see a good outcome! You will get a lot of other posters who will give good advice on this forum and others who are just… well yeah you’ve already seen.

just ignore the shitty comments. You did what you said, you confronted him and told him how it is and that’s that.

I hope he ends up being your one hun! 🥰 wishing you both the best in the future 💕

Love your sense of humour and attitude.. you clearly have your head screwed on and know your own mind so ignore the negative comments and go with your gut feelings.. hope it works out but you will clearly be fine if it doesn’t 💪🥰

He sounds very much like an alcoholic. Unfortunately addicts don't tend to suddenly recover because they have met someone nice. If he is an addict then of course more undesirable behaviours will emerge over time, and if so I hope you have sufficient boundaries and self esteem to get yourself out of this before you get hurt, you sound really nice. Also, just be aware than most men in their 40s/50s are single for good reason, unlike women they rarely choose to be single. Good luck!

I’d be curious to know if he shared what triggers it. If he knew there is a trigger to it, then it would be a red flag for me.
Also his employers saying he changed since he met you, that doesn’t sound like a compliment to me.

But you sound very sensible and caring and since he knew it’s his last chance, I hope he will not disappoint you

Lol this thread reminds me of a long time ago when my husband came home after being with his mates all day and basically shat himself in front of me and puked everywhere. I had to put him in the shower. He makes out he was spiked. Could have been could have also just drank too much. He hasn't done anything like that since and the story has now become a legend. So glad i didnt leave him over it 😉Well done OP for taking the high road with this and to himself for replacing mattress etc. I hope it all works out for you guys.

This is very different though. Your husband did in front of you, and clearly had no real idea of what was happening.
This man had a trigger, he overrode it, and he left OP confused and to clear up. He knew exactly what was happening.