New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

This will probably be my last post on this topic - so a final thank you to all posters - positive and more negative, both valid responses as I did ask for advice!

Im not desperate, ignoring flaws, unrealistic, expecting him to change, invested, pathetic, or any of the other things some posters have assumed I am. Those of you who recognise the strong independent woman I actually am are right, but I’m also empathetic and kind and have a healthy sense of humour, all qualities my friends and colleagues would recognise. I’m sorry if some of you found my joking distasteful- there is humour to be found everywhere, he doesn’t have a medical condition, I have huge sympathy for anyone that does - see my pp regarding my own late parents.

I’ve been an abusive marriage (coercive control) and also a separate relationship with a narcissist. I did a LOT of work on myself following this and remained single for several years while I did so. I volunteer for Women’s Aid running the Freedom Programme as a result.

I am giving this man once chance to demonstrate he means this. He’s messaged me since thanking me for bringing it up - he said he was going to but hmmm I don’t know that he really was, I can let that slide I’ve got dozens of pairs of big girl pants and I communicate well. Having been in a 20 year marriage to a man who refused to communicate over any issues but instead sulked in silence for days or weeks, I won’t tolerate that again, thankfully this guy talks.

he’s changed in the way I described - he’s happier and more settled since we met and wants to get home and call me or chill out rather than sit in the bar til they close, yes that was drinking a lot I’m sure and this is something I will keep an eye on.

It is early days for us I no longer overthink things like this but just enjoy it. If there are any reasons for me to walk I will walk, I promised myself this after the narcissist as it’s so bloody hard to leave one, and I will be true to myself

I hope all the nay sayers are wrong of course, but if they’re not then I’ll be single again, chalk it up to experience and stick to my dog!

Thank you all once again!

ps the trigger isn’t relevant to any of you only me and him, so that can remain private

Did he tell you what this ' trigger ' is

' I met a lot of his friends the first time we met and they all think the world of him, his best friend is a woman of a similar age to me and she and her husband are definitely my kind of people.'

and

'I am enjoying this person and his friends company. We have a lot in common but if it dies in a month I have had nothing to lose but I will have had a few months of really good fun and made some new friends outside of this relationship.'

You have mentioned new friends more than once in this thread - at least 3 times tho I have only used 2 examples.
They are his friends, whether or not they are your kind of people.

Do you think you will keep them as friends if you are not together ?

There is just something about this mentioning of his friends more than once that makes me feel you would like to keep hold of him because of the friends, and not just because of him.

and I know I am not explaining that well.

He used to sit in the restaurant until the last customer had gone drinking and now he literally clears up and leaves.

What a catch! You’re only a month in, this could all change. You still sound like you have rose-coloured spectacles on.

Anyway, you have been warned and I hope it does work out. The thread has gone on a bit long now so I will hide it.

No I’m not keeping him cos of his friends. I have dozens of friend BUT maybe I have mentioned it more than usual now I look back but this is probably due to my exH and last partner having no NONE.

For me, the wet bed isn’t important. That in itself could happen to anyone.
I’m concerned about the behaviours afterwards and the reports from co workers who have known him much longer. Plus experience of similar.

So she changed her boundaries for him and wants to go on…fine , but she needs to be wary. There are several red flags waving and ignoring them can lead to disaster.
She gets more invested with time. Is persuaded to move boundaries over and over till there are none and, like the frog being boiled, by the time she realises, she’s wasted years that she won’t get back.
When you’re young, it seems ok to let the time pass on gambling with chances and giving more and more second chances. You end up losing boundaries by sleepwalking into a relationship.
Once you get old, you look back and think, I was warned and that’s 15 years of my life I can’t get back. And you’re no longer as fit and spry. You get health issues and suddenly , your mortality is real and you lost so much being abused and used by someone you were warned off at the start. You gave your best years left, to a waster and lost the chance to find the right guy.

OP needs to keep her wits about her and not be cajoled and manipulated into dropping too many standards. Because there are guys out there, practised in finding lovely, caring women like OP and destroying them.

the trigger isn’t relevant to any of you only me and him, so that can remain private …. As this is an anonymous forum I have no idea why the need or such privacy tbh, I suspect this means it’s drink, drugs or similar and he is going to cut down/out - which of course he won’t, and you don’t want to be piled on any further by posters.

I wish you well.

Thank you - that explains the mentions of his friends.

whilst everyone is guessing it is alcohol or the quantity of alcohol that made him wet the bed,
it could be something simple like Viagra - as if he has had a bit of alcohol and as he is not in his 20's maybe he just needed a bit of extra help.

It was this bit stood out for me "he’s blown me a hello kiss and “sorry”". If I'd wet someone's bed and they turned up at my workplace, I think I be a bit sheepish rather than blowing kisses.

If there are any reasons for me to walk I will walk, I promised myself this after the narcissist as it’s so bloody hard to leave one, and I will be true to myself

Yesterday morning you said you would ‘walk away without a backward glance’ if it transpired he knew it had happened or even knew it could potentially happen. Turns out, not only did he know it could happen, he knew it had happened and had not taken steps to prevent it. But for reasons best known to yourself, you are not walking away, like you assured everyone, you are instead running towards him with changes to your behaviour. All this after a month. 4 weeks.

I wish you well, but I have little hope for you that this was a once off.

I'd be worried because these are very early days. What's he going to be like when he has his feet under the table.
I'm 63 and I have never ever wet myself no matter how drunk I was (when I was young and stupid) not even when I had alcohol poisoning. Unless he was seriously ill there really is no excuse. Don't ignore the big red flag.

Not read all zillion replies but what a massive ick. Bye bye man.

Hi OP.
That clears up the mattress issue then.
I was only reacting to what I read and I did think that perhaps he intended to order it and said it was ordered.
That was what I was getting at, simply because I knew how expensive and what a chore it could be picking the one that's right for you. Now that you've clarified, he went out and ordered the exact replacement before meeting you.
It's a quote that is often bandied about... look at the actions not the words... and I'd say that was an apology in action.
I'm sorry you were offended. I wasn't trying to imply that you were naive and I'm really sorry if came across like that.
edited typo

Oh give it a rest! It’s not our business, she’s made a decision which is what feels right for her and given him the benefit of the doubt. No need to turn it into a feminist debate!

I’m trying to figure out how he knew which mattress to order in advance, before the OP went round?

He didn’t. He ordered it AFTER they had a conversation about it all.

I'm very glad you've resolved this, OP. I hope you both have lots of fun together.

There is this 'lonely older woman looking for love' trope out there, and I'm a bit surprised that more women don't see through it.

When I was old enough to know better 😊I went through a time of being somewhat liberal with my favours, shall I say. The number of women who viewed me through the 'desperately looking for love' prism was unbelievable! Nope, I was sowing wild oats and having fun while I still could.

This is it for me.

Regardless of anything else, he knew exactly what happened and left OP to clean his mess because he was embarrassed. He put his ego before any care for OP. He not only didn’t prevent a preventable issue that would be, quite frankly, a disgusting mess of his bodily waste on someone else’s property; he deliberately left THE WOMAN to clean this mess alone and just hoped it would all be glossed over and forgotten.

Giving him another chance is one thing, but it for sure better not be on the basis of “all is forgiven” because this man has a lot to now prove (or disprove, actually) about who he is. Dropping the ball this hard within 4 weeks?

I know you pride yourself on being a strong and independent woman and you have already overcome a lot and would never want to put yourself back in those sort of circumstances. So just be very, very cautious that you are not letting your own pride get in the way here. Don’t forgive him and sweep it away just so you don’t have to admit to yourself this was another bad choice. Said with all the love in the world.

You said ready to walk, you drew your own boundaries here for us all to see and then you went back on them instantly for reasons you yourself said would not have made you stay.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 if only!

OP, you sound lovely. I wish you all the best. I hope it does work out with this guy but I am sure you will make the right choice if it does not.

@NewManIssue
I think I would call it the 'Piddle Prince' thread.

I didn't tell you to ditch him although I did tell you some of my story as a warning. I am a dry alcoholic and gave you the benefit of my experience. It's entirely up to you what you do now.

Don't move any man in though without knowing them really well. Loads of casualties on MN. No nurse with a purse makes a lady happy. Good luck.

I absolutely think you have done the right thing, accidents happen and he’s handled it the right way. Yeah he could have checked when he suspected but probs panicked and didn’t think things through in the heat of the moment. Nobody’s perfect. Hopefully it won’t happen again and he does his best to ensure it won’t. . I think you’ve been very level headed in talking to him in person and not just ending things over this. Let’s face it, it’s not the end of the world and worse things happen. Possessions are replaceable and he’s sorted that. Doesn’t make it ok but ... It sounds like the makings of a very good relationship otherwise and would be a shame to throw that away. I hope it all works out for you. You sound a very lovely grounded person who has been through some shit and deserves to be happy. Good luck. X

@NewManIssue I am giving this man once chance to demonstrate he means this. He’s messaged me since thanking me for bringing it up - h.

This man has big red flags but you've decided to overlook them. I also think that opening a thread on MN after 4 weeks of meeting someone is a bad sign. I have a gut feeling this is not going to last more than 3 months because there's more "surprises" to come.

Yuck, for me there would not be any coming back to someone pissing the bed. In particular, when they pretended it did not happen and did not immediately sort it out.

I have to say @NewManIssue, I find your posts refreshingly thoughtful and considered.
You know your own mind, and this is your life ,(and the man in question's). You took on board feedback here, openly communicated with him, and made a decision. Good for you 👏
Wishing you a lifetime of happiness, whether he remains in the picture or not 💐