New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

People don't 'love a dumping' so much as prefer not to see women going down a road that could make them miserable. The thread is a real time case study to answer the question 'why do so many women put up with shit men?'
We have a kind and caring OP. Optimistic, keen to see the best in a man who is bringing fun into her life. Really wants the good stuff to continue so is desperate to be able to ignore the flaws. Pre conceived idea that men change for good women and good women are forgiving and empathic. Egged on by other women who feel this way too.
Accepting his apology and assurance it will never happen again is exactly what she wants to do. And perhaps it won't. But equally, perhaps it won't for, say, 6 months.
Then by next time, she's really invested. She loves him, they're planning a future. There is a very slim chance she'll stick to her one chance policy then, and before she knows it, she's with a man who wets the bed when he's drunk, and people wonder why a lovely woman puts up with a shit man.
The only way OP should continue is with the acceptance she may well have wet beds to contend with. If she's happy to accept that as the price for the relationship, good luck to her. But going ahead on the basis it won't happen again is highly likely to end badly.

Op I think you've got your head screwed on so no viperish stuff from me.

However....

the one thing missing in your update is what is his trigger?

Is it drink?

You said his behaviour has changed or rather his work mates say this - he doesn't sit with the last customer- was he drinking?' Or just chatting to them?

Have you gone down the route of a health check?
Have you asked if he drinks too much?

It's all still a mystery.

Well it's a rocky road if you think you can change an alcoholic. Most can stay off the sauce for a few days. Day four is when they usually fail.
I've been on the alcohol thread for over three years. We 'lose' at least one poster a week who can't remain sober.
My sister, her husband and her ex husband are all chefs, all big drinkers.
I personally wouldn't drink when you are with him and see how he fairs.
Alcoholics can be great fun and seem to enjoy life. However when they hit 50 ish you start to see the effects.
Organ damage and health issues come to bite you on the bum. I lost my brother at 54, he was a lovely man.
If you take this guy on be prepared for huge hard work and constant vigilance.

It doesn't matter what triggers it.

He shouldn't have got in her bed without tena-man / pajama pants or whatever.

He shouldn't have just fucked off hoping she wouldn't notice.

She's being soft giving him a second chance

@olympicsrock @Woollygreymittens @Humpsr have nailed this really.

i’ve been following this thread, mainly because I’m the widow of an alcoholic who had a couple of ‘accidents’ in his early 20s before we married. Yes, I married him, being too naive and inexperienced to recognise red flags and he was dead from alcohol 20 years later.

OP - this is not his first time, it’s only the first time with you. I can 100% say that if you stay with him this will either happen again, or alcohol will damage your relationship (and you personally) in another way.

Hmmm. After I married I remember FIL saying how H ( now Ex) had really changed since he met me. I remember another of his friends saying how H was really different around me.

He’s Ex because it didn’t last. It lasted for many years but eventually unraveled when life got harder.

So I am very suspicious of ‘you made him happy and it changed him!’ Narratives. It’s beguiling as it makes you feel great to think someone loves you so much it changed them. But this is real life and not a romcom, and it doesn’t really work out like that in life. Not long term.

It is also rank that he left you to deal with what he at least suspected may have been piss. If you have a weekend away, he has to warn the accommodation you are staying at too.

Like @SquirrelMadness (after an abusive marriage, when my self esteem was low) I dated a couple of alcoholics, in my 50s. They were fun and I drank with them sometimes. What I didn’t realise was how much they were drinking the rest of the week when I wasn’t with them. Addicts have unresolved issues and before you know it the masks slips and you are unwittingly involved in their mess and drama.
In my experience a lot of older, single men take to the bottle as they generally don’t cope well with being on their own. I was lucky and escaped but two of my friends are in second marriages to men who turned out to be alcoholics (well concealed). These men have developed health issues in their late 50s and it’s really difficult for both my friends to extricate themselves from these relationships. I can see how utterly miserable their situations are. Please be careful OP

Comments like this are completely unnecessary and rude. I hate this narrative on MN that if you don’t LTB at the first indiscretion then you’re desperate or need to raise your standards. It’s just a backhanded way of trying to make yourself appear so much more superior to the OP. “Oh OP I could never tolerate that because my standards are sooooo much higher than yours.” Pathetic.

The fact is in life we are all going to fuck up at some point. Op has chosen to hear the guy out, shes accepted his apology and set some boundaries. I think she’s handled it well. If you disagree there’s always the option to scroll by instead of stopping to tell her how stupid and desperate she is.

Ok well that’s a good outcome for now though I am 🙄 that he had to wait for you to mention before springing into action

tread very carefully though.

Good luck x

I think he’s been as honest and decent as he can be . Something horrible happened , he’s apologised, ordered new bedding / mattress ( which aren’t cheap ). Not sure what else he can do . If it happens again it’ll be up to OP as to how she proceeds . All I do know is good men are hard to find and if this issue can be dealt with all good .

OP hasn't said outright that drink is the trigger but has said that he drinks until the last people leave his restaurant . This could be during work or when he's finished .

OP seems quite flippant in her comments , saying things like being 'fired by MNers' , and some thing like 'Come on huns' which isn't nice .

I wonder if her chef were to read this thread and see all the comments , several of which she sees as funny , whether he would be questioning the relationship too .

Oooh, tell me Sherlock, what is the typical acceptable usual behaviour for a 50+ year old?

Sadly, many chefs have issues with MH. It's the hours they work, the stress of the job, the availability of drink (and food.)

You've just got to look at some of the 'household names' of chefs to see the battles some of them have had and spoken about openly.

A lot of chefs find relationships hard because they're simply at work till midnight a lot of the time.

OP you need to go one step further.

There has to be an open conversation about the 'trigger' and if he has a drink problem.

The only credible explanation so far is he'd been drinking before you met that day (but appeared sober) and the drinks he had with you sent him over the edge of his usual tolerance, so he didn't wake up when he needed a wee.

@hattie43 alcoholics can be good men but they’re not great partners. I know from experience that they live life through a haze of alcohol and that’s how they cope with life issues. Dating these men has made me hyper vigilant and I would never date someone who gave me any suspicions of being a heavy drinker. I have also examined my own relationship with alcohol and have stopped drinking altogether. I’d rather a sober, single life than the life I had counting the units my partner was consuming with a feeling of dread

Such a weird thread. He thought it was sweat, and so did you so that would have confirmed it to you.
I can't imagine even thinking of dumping someone over what is a medical issue. To piss yourself after a few pints isn't normal, he needs to see a doctor. I can only imagine the absolute horror if I was dumped after getting blood in the bed because of perimenopausal flooding- not something I'd have control over, any more than this poor man did.
I find it really weird and uncomfortable how the OP is being quite cruel about her DP's medical problem and making jokes on here about him. Where's the empathy?!

oOP thinking it through. Unless he has a history of sweating the bed, and he does have a history of wetting the bed, he must have known he had wet the bed.

And he still ran away?

Are you sure the weekend away was not booked as a ploy to reel you back in after you discovered the wet bed?

I said there are no second chances and he absolutely realises that’s it.
I can’t wait for the grilling and abuse I’m now going to get on this thread for giving him another chance.

This is confusing - telling him there's no second chance, and then giving him another chance?

But fair play OP, he sounds alright really, hope you have many years of fun together!

This has been mentioned before. Having an unexpected period is not the same as bed wetting. Women have unexpected periods. That's normal. Although many women who think they may be irregular might use protection just in case.

Men (and women) don't tend to wet the bed unless there is an underlying cause- either diagnosed or not .

He's not been diagnosed with a medical problem. Posters are assuming he's an alcoholic who had a skinful before he met the OP for that date and the extra booze tipped him over so he didn't wake up for a wee.

At least I think that's what they're saying! No one's spelled it out.

I hope all goes well for you! You come across as a strong woman who knows what she wants/doesn't want, and while you're giving him a second chance, I don't think you'd give him more than that.

Unlike my sister - her ex husband couldn't handle his alcohol, and was fine if he drank wine or spirits, but 2 or more pints of lager or cider and he'd piss the bed. It could have been at home, at friends/family's houses, hotels, whatever. She only confided in me after a few years when she was fed up of him doing it again and again - it was a cycle of him drinking lager and cider, pissing the bed, then being full of shame and self loathing, crying in the corner begging her not to tell anyone while SHE sorted out the mess.

You say he knows the trigger - did he say why he'd done whatever the trigger is?

From experience, I would guess he’s an alcoholic. Especially since you mention him staying at work drinking.

I'd like to know why he's single at 50.

Divorced? Previous similar behaviour ended his relationships?

I'm sorry, but it will happen again, quite soon, I think.

I wish you well but keep a very (very) close eye on his drinking. Any sign he is dependent or still a bit too fond then leave without a backward glance.

This would have been the right response and what I would have done if something like that happened to me.

I probably would have been mortified and potentially ended the relationship myself, but definitely would insist on replacing the mattress and bedding.

I wonder actually if he will ghost you now OP, out of shame and embarrassment