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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

509 replies

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:43

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

OP posts:
youlied · 15/04/2025 12:32

This is how my ExH’s affair started. First she kept messaging him, then came the silly little gifts and then the huge change in his behaviour. Very nearly broke me at the time. Both were equally to blame.

Mirabai · 15/04/2025 12:33

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 21:58

I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all.

Edited
Show quote history

You can only end up being “in the wrong” if you let him dominate you. He’s in the wrong so stand your ground.

2JFDIYOLO · 15/04/2025 12:33

It is exactly what it looks like, feels like, smells like.

Always trust your instincts.

Of course he's enjoying a younger woman flirting and paying him attention.

Of course he's making out you're being silly and unreasonable.

That way he keeps you in your box AND gets to do exactly what he wants.

Put your foot down. Tell him you're offended by this behaviour and want him to stop. It's disrespectful

Tell her to stop and to find herself a single boyfriend her own age.

I wonder how he would like it if it were you.

Original poster
Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:36

i don’t see what I should say to her that won’t push him closer to her though. He’ll be furious that I’ve meddled as they work together

OP posts:
wizzywig · 15/04/2025 12:36

Just to add, when I was a hot young thing and the older male would be so helpful, I actually thought they were just being nice. Didn't occur to me why they had so much time to chat to me, have lunch with me, would comment that I was so smily and that none of the other older women would talk to me.

Now I'm that older woman, and I can see how naive I was. Sad really. I was a walking cliche.

Original poster
Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

OP posts:
Tubs11 · 15/04/2025 12:37

I'm good friends with one of the school dads, we meet up after school and he'll pop in with his kids for tea if he's passing. I'd consider him a good friend, I'd say I've messaged him a total of 5 - 10 times in a year and usually something kid related.
Equally, I've very good friends with a male colleague at work, we go to lunch everyday. I've never messaged him outside of work. I have zero reason to.
The person I do message and send food pics or funny memes to on a daily basis is my DH.
I would consider anything else boundary pushing.

mumuseli · 15/04/2025 12:37

What always makes me annoyed in situations like this is that if the female 'friend' really is platonic and just being a mate, then she ought to bloody well adhere to the 'girl-code' ie she should be bending over backwards to make sure she's not treading on your toes. If they get on well as workmates and friends then that's fine, but she needs to be making an extra effort towards you as his partner!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/04/2025 12:38

He shuts you down as he knows he is crossing the line imo

Horserider5678 · 15/04/2025 12:38

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 21:58

I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all.

Edited
Show quote history

She absolutely is! Personally I do t believe there is no smoke without fire! Call him out and suggest inviting her around for dinner, if he declines you have your answer!

MyTwinklyPanda · 15/04/2025 12:38

Can you send her a photo of you and him having dinner, fun, hols. She's overstepping the mark and doesn't care.

Tubs11 · 15/04/2025 12:40

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

Erm no, you tell him it's a deal-breaker for you. It would be for me and I would expect my partner to reign it in and vice versa

IsawwhatIsaw · 15/04/2025 12:40

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:36

i don’t see what I should say to her that won’t push him closer to her though. He’ll be furious that I’ve meddled as they work together

Edited

She isn’t the one in your marriage and she owes you nothing. He is. And you’ve raised legitimate concerns which he’s dismissed.
So time to protect yourself. And I’m sorry

Ph3 · 15/04/2025 12:41

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

I think that is a terrible idea. Personally I wouldn’t. And would be concerned as you are. Look up emotional affairs - by the info you gave this could be the beginning of one.

youlied · 15/04/2025 12:41

Baninarama · 15/04/2025 12:23

And this is exactly how my teacher ex-husband's affair with his TA started.

My ExH was a lecturer and had similar with his Learning mentor. Very nearly destroyed me.

Missj25 · 15/04/2025 12:41

ThisFluentBiscuit · 15/04/2025 12:15

This is absolutely brilliant!

Show quote history

I agree completely !!
And then you have to update us , Good luck OP 🙂

GraceUnderPresure · 15/04/2025 12:42

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

My daughter was 12 when my marriage fell apart after a similar story to yours. She and I have had the best years together since then and I've taught her not to accept being badly treated. Her only criticism is that I should have left him earlier.
It's a horrible, difficult decision to make but you only have one life and deserve to be happy.

MattCauthon · 15/04/2025 12:45

To go back to the "it's never giles from accounts" comment which I think is totally accurate... the thing is, even if he has other mate she has THIS level fo contact with, I bet those aren't NEW mates? DH has an active whatsapp group with a group of men from school. They chat on that a LOT. But these are men who have literally known each other for almost their entire lives. Men with so much history that as one of the wives said to me, "the thing about these guys, is that one of them needed a kidney they'd be fighting each other to donate one".

They're not Jack who they met last month at their shared sports activity. It's never Jack, or Giles. It's always Penny, who also always happens to be pretty, single and in need of support.

Munnygirl · 15/04/2025 12:46

The time has come for you to tell him you will not be putting up with this any further and that if he continues to put this “friendship” in front of his marriage then he can leave. You have to make a stand here because you deserve so much more than this.

Montea · 15/04/2025 12:46

I hope this isn’t about me with a few details changed.

Ph3 · 15/04/2025 12:50

Montea · 15/04/2025 12:46

I hope this isn’t about me with a few details changed.

Well if it is you know what the right thing to do is! 🙂

Treblechef · 15/04/2025 12:50

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around.

recipientofraspberries · 15/04/2025 12:53

Montea · 15/04/2025 12:46

I hope this isn’t about me with a few details changed.

Are you in regular contact with a married man in this way? If so, what's your point of view?

SheridansPortSalut · 15/04/2025 12:54

There's no problem with having young female friends so long as they're the same as all the other friends.

Do any of his male friends buy him little gifts and send him photos of their dinner? I doubt it.

Jenkibuble · 15/04/2025 12:57

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:43

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

I whats ap a guy from work - comedy memes that are unsuitble for the work group chat!
They are occasional though and he does the same back.
He is married with a daughter- I am divorced. Nothing in it.!

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