Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

I know.. but that's not good enough, I hate this OP it's the worst feeling but all you can do is tell him where there line is & go from there

Good luck it's the worst feeling, what a pair of dickheads they are

Having been there (DH was cheating it turned out) I think in hindsight the only thing that might have made them stop would have been for me to leave / ask him to leave so he could see the potential impact of his actions in real life. (But that’s dependent on DH not actually wanting to split and just liking the ego boost of OW). It could backfire and just drive them together though so it’s risky.

I wouldn’t confront OW - she’s unlikely to tell the truth and, assuming she knows he’s married, isn’t going to suddenly realise she’s doing something wrong just because you tell her - she knows and doesn’t care. OW in my case cooed over my baby and chatted to me without any guilt.

So sorry, they’re idiots and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

OP my heart goes out to you. Without going on about me I'm going through exactly the same with DH work colleague and way over the top interactions, and ive been told its me i have a problem im jealous. have been following all the good replies and planning and considering ending. It's not easy though. I hope you are OK. xx

Op I agree with the recent replies....don't message her....I've been so tempted to in my situation but this may be what she wants... she will then tell DH and you will get more blame on you... these women know what they are doing ...someone else maybe needs a quiet word (I'm debating on this too I have a mutual friend who could potentially)

Sending love and hugs

Having been there (DH was cheating it turned out) I think in hindsight the only thing that might have made them stop would have been for me to leave / ask him to leave so he could see the potential impact of his actions in real life. (But that’s dependent on DH not actually wanting to split and just liking the ego boost of OW). It could backfire and just drive them together though so it’s risky.

@Tiedbutchorestodo i agree (having also been there). But as you point out, the success of this is dependent on the DH not wanting to split, and I just wasn’t confident enough of that, to actually do anything. I thought it would simply pave the way for them to be together properly. But with hindsight, a wonderful thing, if a man doesn’t want you, what’s the point in hanging on? But when you’re in that position, it’s often the more palatable option.

By speaking to her, after speaking to him - you become the common denominator and the odd one.

its supposed to be her that is the odd one out as you are married to the other person….

oh gosh Op - she isn't the one to focus on.

You need to believe in yourself and your own boundaries. If you are unhappy with the situation - then that is about a boundary being crossed in YOUR relationship.

All you can do is set that out clearly and honestly to your partner - then HE has the duty to respond and you ahe to listen to him.

Whatever her intentions are are irrelevant really - it's his attitude to you/ your feelings/ your relationship

The truth is - if he cares about you and wants to save your relationship he is the one who needs to connect and communicate properly with you.

You are getting distracted by focusing on her. This is about a failure of trust between you - you may need therapy/counselling either just you or both of you.

totally agree it's such a mistake to make yourself the 'odd one out' while trying to get her to answer - do not lower yourself!! retain your dignity - decide what your boundary is with YOUR partner. and deal with him. not her.

I strongly disagree with some of the previous posters and stand by my suggestion to ring her up and ask her, "what's so important that you have to contact my DH every day when you know he's a married, family man?"

This kills all the birds with one stone.

If your DH kicks off, you know you've hit a big nerve.

If you ask your DH about it before ringing the OW, you know you won't get the truth.

She will either back off, flummoxing, or will apologise and be more careful about the boundaries of a platonic friendship with a married man.

Either way, you have nothing to lose.

Taking the bull by the horns shows that you are not a woman to be messed with, and your DH, if he has anything about himself, will be proud of you for it.

I challenged a woman like this many years ago. My DH was very much "thank fuck for that" because he's a nice friendly guy who didn't quite know how to tell her to piss off without coming across as aggressive.

Just want to add that my DH had been very open about what to do about this unwanted attention situation.

I guess your DH could have just been an adult and stopped replying her, she would have got a memo. If not then that's borderline stalking, which is completely different topic and wouldn't have stopped her after your call.

But he played it nicely 👏 lol

OP, the reality is that you shouldn't have to play any of these games. This is your life. If he loves you he wouldn't do anything to hurt you and jeopardize your marriage. He is doing both and is a despicable partner. If you kick him out and he runs to her then you know he was already fucking her or wanted to and you have your answer however painful it may be. He isn't respecting you. Without respect you don't have a marriage. I have seen hundreds of couples and honestly once the respect is gone the marriage is over. He is the one throwing your marriage away, not you. You do deserve better.

Agree. @AmandaHoldensLips Either your situation was very different and your H was on board with you asking her to back off (clearly not the situation here) or he was enjoying it and you ruined it for him so he pretended he didn’t care to save face. No one needs to be aggressive in these situations. Leave it a day to reply and then respond with no questions. Easy. No fuss, no embarrassment. If they don’t get the hint you just stop responding. This has always been my go to for inappropriate unwanted contact and it’s never been a drama.

Our situation was over 30 years ago before internet and texting! Different world I guess.

Thank you all for your messages X
You’ve helped me see I’m not crazy. I won’t speak to her but am seriously thinking about my future in this marriage.

I agree, I definitely wouldn't speak to her.

I had a situation not quite like yours years ago with DH being in contact with an exGF and discussing our issues with her.

He didn't seem to
see anything wrong with it. I told him, that if he didn't stop, I would get in contact with my ex BFs. He argued that it wasn't the same as I would go out of my way to do it.

I said but really. A couple had sent friend requests on FB and I ignored them, but I could change that.

I told him, I would start emotionally detaching from him to protect myself and leave when I was ready.

The older wiser me, wouldn't have mentioned the last bit, I would have just done it.

If something like your situation happened now. I would ramp up my social life and maintain distance. If he thinks that behaviour is appropriate, I would have to reevaluate our relationship.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been mentioned already. Read a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - it explains how situations like this end in affairs.

My DH had a similar thing with a woman. I tried to be all 'cool wife' about it. By the time I challenged him, they had (unbeknownst to me) started a physical affair.

If he isn't willing to prioritise your relationship and put some boundaries in with this woman, then there's already a problem.

Edited for typos

@Beachybabe I’m sorry, I hope it all gets sorted soon regardless of the outcome. It’s torture to live like that.

I remember later on though, in my situation (the woman who messaged me going “sorry I stole him”), I actually had suspicions he was cheating a couple months prior. At the time he told me it was a coworker hitting on him that got his contact from the rota group chat and he deleted in front of me and I just let it go because he didn’t seem the type and we were happy (or so I thought).

If it was today, I would absolutely not have been that chill about it. It taught there have to be boundaries in relationships. Being the “cool” partner gets you nothing.

If it was today, I would absolutely not have been that chill about it. It taught there have to be boundaries in relationships. Being the “cool” partner gets you nothing.

Agree. These things need nipping in the bud very quickly. Being ‘cool’ is, with hindsight, just sticking your head in the sand

‘If it was today, I would absolutely not have been that chill about it. It taught there have to be boundaries in relationships. Being the “cool” partner gets you nothing.’

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbam i could not agree more. I tried to have a sensible, empathic and calm conversation about it when OW would not stop her constant messaging before their affair. Thought I’d dealt with it ‘so maturely’ and as a ‘cool wife’. Wish I’d gone full nuclear, would have potentially saved me (and ironically all of us) a whole heap of heartache.

Wish I’d gone full nuclear, would have potentially saved me (and ironically all of us) a whole heap of heartache.

Same here. And if your DH leaves because you go nuclear, well you then know he would have left anyway. You have nothing to lose

Read Shirley Glass’s Not Just Friends

How are things @Beachybabe?

Had big talk and it sorta cleared the fog. IYKWIM. Dh saying sorry he regretted treating me this way and wants to start again. Got first counselling date tomorrow, hoping will improve things. But will see.

And what changes has he made in terms of the inappropriate 'friendship'? How is he proving to you he's made those changes? Or is he still telling you you're crazy and there's nothing wrong with it?