Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

This is definitely in the romance zone. I'm willing to bet your husband wouldn't text this frequently with a male friend, nor would she text like this with a female friend.

Unfortunately probably some truth here. People are always going through something. However, pretty privilege makes it so the younger attractive ones are not just giving preferential treatment but actively encouraged by some men. With all due respect how is this sharing of bits of her life and tea here and there helping her. It’s odd. She very likely has an agenda herself. You’d expect she’d be engaging in this sort of thing with a similarly aged friend, sister or mother. Yeah, I’m not the jealous type but that would really irritate me. More so the fact that my DH is enabling it. No way is the answer he gave honest imo.

They are both out of order and inappropriate. She might back off if she knew you were not happy about it. Does she know?

I have had colleagues texting a lot (also a teacher) and one overstepped so much (texting late at night and not liking it if I didn’t reply) I had to fall out with him in the end to get him to back off. Oh yes he was married btw and did not want his wife to know. Shame really as I thought we were genuine friends but he did tell me he wanted more.

It sounds like there is an affair brewing sorry.

My ex had similar, he’s married to her now 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t like this at all. When I was a teacher affairs were rampant in all the schools I worked in.

This ^

Textbook journey to an affair.

Oh god. So sorry to hear this. Hope youre doing ok 🫶🏼

Another one here getting divorced over ex and younger women at work - always starts as just being a good manager/colleague, helping them out yadda yadda

From personal experience of very similar, it sounds like an emotional affair is beginning. They may not be "doing" anything, but it's a slippery slope. He needs to nip it in the bud before it turns into something he doesn't want to stop.

The problem with asking 'how would you like it if I was exchanging gifts and constantly chatting to a male colleague' is that they say 'oh, I trust you and I know it would be innocent and you're just supporting each other'. When you know that if it really happened they would be up in arms and calling you every name under the sun. But if you try to say that, then you're just being 'stupid'.

It's very very hard to contradict the 'we're just friends', because by this point they've gone past caring what you think.

Give us your number and we’ll start messaging you as a young male colleague and sending you gifts. I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine with that.

Yes this. Also experienced. Suggest couples counselling to show how important it is to you and talk it through with support of a counsellor. Or threaten to leave.
right now you’re at risk of being in the territory of him starting to confide in her that you’re unreasonable or him starting to see her as a better alternative because she ‘gets him’ and you don’t. Totally unfair but can see how this might go.

Sounds like he's got 'Knight in Shining Armour' syndrome and enjoys the flattery/ego boost.

Ask him if he knows what an emotional affair is? That would be a starting point. He is being disrespectful to you and hopefully he should realise that!

I honestly don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I’d feel uneasy too if my partner was having that much daily, personal contact with a colleague — especially sharing little details about their day, dinners, and outings. Even if there’s nothing flirty going on, it’s more about boundaries and what feels comfortable within your marriage.
It’s not always about trust being broken, but about keeping emotional closeness where it belongs. Friendships are fine, but when someone else starts becoming that present in your partner’s daily life, it’s natural to feel unsettled.
I think it’s good you want to talk about it. Maybe approach it from how it makes you feel rather than making it about her intentions. It’s perfectly okay to want certain boundaries in a relationship — that’s not weird, that’s just caring about your marriage.
You're not alone in feeling this way.

Having read numerous threads over the years that start pretty much like this one and end with a divorce and house sale, I think this advice is spot on.
OP, ignore the women telling you their best mates are men, that you’re controlling, asking if you need therapy for your insecurity, and follow Youcanpayit’s advice.

This isn’t appropriate behaviour, it’s not professional, he wouldn’t be doing it with a male colleague and, most of all, you don’t like it. And when you raise it with him he gets angry and dismissive

Sounds like where I was 10 years ago. He was working with a younger woman who he 'needed' to help through tough times. I said that was fine as long as he didn't give her his personal number. He did and over time the texting got more frequent. Then he 'had' to meet up with her outside work as she was having a crisis. I told him it had to stop or we were over. He didn't and we divorced. He stayed with her for a few years then cheated on her too.
I'm so sorry OP, if you can nip it in the bud now and there's no further contact you might be OK, but it's not you going crazy, it's him being dishonest and disrespectful.
I wish you all the luck in the world to get through this.

If it's any help at all I'm 100 times happier without him.

He may believe it's all innocent
But 100% she has other ideas
I'd probably get his phone and text her myself and ask her what she's playing at .
But that would give her chance to be the victim and have her crying on his shoulder.
The problem is your DH
He could shut this down but he chooses not to .
I wouldn't tolerate it ,and I didn't,I did experience something similar years ago.
Your DH is going to do what he's going to do ,you have said your not happy with the situation and he has basically said he doesn't care your not happy.
That would be the end for me ,and it was .
But I'm not very tolerant and quite impulsive

Buying him gifts and sending photos of her dinner seems a bit OTT. Texting every day as well seems a lot, especially If they see eachother at work anyway.
I certainly wouldn't do that to colleague who was married. Even if we'd become quite good mates.

If he's willing to introduce you to her, that might make it seem less weird. There's a chance you and her could also become friends.
If either of them seem unwilling to include you in their meet ups then it does look a little fishy.

What does he say about their friendship to you?

This happened to me. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, destroyed my trust and confidence and took years to get over.

Do anything you can to stop it progressing. Sometimes these people don't care about family though.

It's a no from me. These are the foundations of an affair. This forum is littered with it.

He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird

Even if you were being weird (which you aren't!) He should be more concerned about your feelings and protecting your marriage than prioritising and about being "polite to" an acquientance he has allegedly got "no feelings" for.
In reality he is hesitant because he loves the attention, it's the beginning of an EA or just a plain old A.

'How would you feel it is was me doing this?' Is a good question and if he is not bothered I'd be looking hard at the state of the marriage.
People on here generally think ultimatums are controlling/wrong etc and while I'm not a fan exactly i do think thry have a place. There's no world in where I wouldn't be kicking up a fuss about this and demanding it stopped immediately and he told her to back off / he was backing off and why unless I wanted a divorce

What's the power balance in the school OP? Is he middle / senior management and she's junior? Because if he has any level of management responsibility over her, he's open to allegations of abuse of power which could be potentially career ending.
And of course the level of contact you describe is inappropriate for a married man with a junior colleague.

He's enjoying the attention, no doubt about that.

But you have to ask yourself, why is he enjoying the attention? Is it because he has something lacking in his life at home ?