Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

I don’t want to make the thread about me incase it isn’t about me, but if it is then the op has changed details and exaggerated. if it is, sent him photos of my pets, he never replies to texts to respect his wife but is chatty in person. He talks about his wife to me but not in the nicest way and I secretly feel sorry for her. His wife gets jealous of other women talking to him. I’m going to be giving him a baby toy as his wife is expecting.

My situation was worse than yours Op, in that my ExH was going much further with OW (plural). I told him time and again to change his behaviour. The only time he sat up and took notice of my feelings, was when I bought a house and booked a moving van. It was only then that he knelt before me, promised me the world and begged me not to go. Of course by then, I had totally checked out, and I left. Had he complied with my wishes in the beginning and nipped things in the bud, it may have been different. I'm glad now, because I met a lovely guy shortly after that and we've been together ever since (17 years and counting).

So, on that basis, in your shoes, I'd go in hardball. Say you're not happy and start looking at houses on Rightmove for him/you to move to. Tell him it's over. Even if you don't mean it.

Oh and I don’t text him everyday or nearly everyday because he never replies so this probably isn’t about me

Something similar happened with my husband when I was pregnant with our first. It started with messaging daily then her sending selfies to then sending flirty messages.

It didn’t get passed that but I believe it would have had I not made him see sense!!

Doesn’t sound like the same scenario but I’m interested as to why you wouldn’t back off and stop texting in that situation?

if he doesn’t reply to your texts then stop texting. And don’t feel sorry for the wife. You only have his account you have no idea what goes on in their personal life. Don’t give them any toys. What’s the purpose of that? Just back off and just talk about work.

I only text about the work with the exception of the pet photos that he enjoyed me show him in person which I sent over to him. So I doubt it’s about me

It could well be innocent but you’ve told him it makes you feel uncomfortable so he should be stepping back and thinking of your feelings. If he can’t do this, you need to get rid as he isn’t respecting you and prefers her over you!

I met up with an old uni friend recently, someone I had a brief fling with after uni. We’d not seen each other in a long time although we’ve kept in touch as friends. We got on well and it was lovely to reconnect. However, he is married with children and I am recently single (after my “D”P had a midlife crisis and left me). This friend told me his wife is a bit anxious which made me feel a bit guilty for meeting up with him even though it was just as friends.

I am very conscious of how his wife might feel and so have been very limited in any communication with him since. Just to add that he is devoted to his wife and children and we met up because I happened to be in the city where he lives for work. I would love to be proper friends with this guy again and to see him more regularly but am very conscious of what he said about his wife being anxious and would never want to be the cause of any problems between them. So, my long and rambling point is, that I think both this woman and your DH are crossing a line here. As others have said, he wouldn’t be messaging 50 times a day if it was a male colleague.

I think often people come onto Mumsnet because they want validation for something they already feel. And you feel that this isn’t right and that your DH is disrespecting you. Trust your gut, OP, and ask him to cut down the messages with this woman. It might all be completely innocent and I hope for your sake it is - if he shown you the messages, then I’m sure it is all innocent - but you don’t do this in a marriage.

You know his wife doesn’t like him talking to you so you need to back off and as for a toy.. why? You’re stirring!!

100%

@Montea do you know what's weird... every other woman on this thread knows this isn't about them because they aren't overstepping boundaries and having such excessively close friendships with married men that it's causing friction in their marriage

He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages?

@Beachybabe you need to have a serious talk with him about being aware of her drawing him in, and him sleepwalking into infidelity.

Sometimes men can be idiots in terms of emotional intelligence. He finds the attention flattering, I should think, and presumes that unless they have sex, there's no infidelity.

But she is attracting his attention away from his marriage and his family. He needs to be aware of unintended consequences.

You should be quite matter of fact about this - you're not jealous, you're just pointing out to him that his colleague may feel he is making overtures he has no intention of making (or following through).

Not me, women in general

🙄

It seems to me that he doesn't care how you feel about his behaviour, he is going to continue. I would very quietly, behind the scenes, visit a solicitor so that you understands your rights. It may very suddenly be all out of your hands so be prepared.

I’d invite her to join your family for a coffee one afternoon. Literally have her in the home, be nice, so that it’s clear to her that you’re happily married and if he’s spinning any yarns that she knows it’s not true.

after that, if she continues to use him as her crush, she knows what she is doing is wrong and there’s no excuse.

@Montea Get your own man and leave the husbands of pregnant women alone.

1 it does not sound like it's about you so you can stop worrying

2 you are clearly fully aware that the way youo're interacting with this man is inappropriate and that is making you hyper conscious of threads like this. A once off pic of your pet - fine. If he doesn't respond and you've texted him again about non-work things, then you're crossing a line. Also, if he's slagging off his wife to you, that's inappropriate. I also don't know why you're buying this guy a baby gift unless you've been work mates for a long time. You are over stepping and he's not 100% making it clear it's not okay.

Jesus Christ
He is about 35 and I am 19 years old

You absolutely do not have to put up with it “to keep the family together”. You aren’t the one jeopardising it, so how can it be down to you to protect it?

Here’s the horrible truth: if he’s going to cheat, keeping quiet is not going to stop him. He won’t respect you more for sacrificing yourself. All it will do is make you feel like a fool when you find out it’s physical now. There is nothing you can do to change the outcome except make it absolutely crystal clear what the consequences will be for him. He is free to continue to prioritise this “friendship” over his wife and kids. He is not free to compel anyone to go along with it or to dodge the results of his choices.

I always think it’s best to call these men’s bluff on this kind of thing. OW will discover it’s not so much fun stepping round his dirty socks or asking him to take the bins out. He will discover it’s not so exciting to be sleeping in his car. Don’t bother talking to OW - there’s nothing to be gained there.

It's a story as old as time, an ex of mine did the same with a female 'friend' from work and they were in a relationship 2 days after we split up, which means they were probably already having an affair.

You don't have to put up with this, tell him if he doesn't stop it, you're leaving. Not everyone will do this from you.
Funny how it's never balding beer belly Dave from finance, it is always a single woman.

In that case - take advise that you are receiving here from people who have way more experience and perspective than you. Leave it alone. Don’t text, don’t give toys, don’t sent pet pictures. It’s hard to understand at 19 I’m sure - but you are also not a child anymore. There are always 2 sides to a story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Marriages are complicated and I wouldn’t never want to be even thought about meddling in any that is not my own

Threads like this always get bumped months later when the wife finds out its got physical. It always leads that way.

I’d be worried she’s a little unhinged and will be hard to get rid of.
Who on earth frequently sends a married male colleague pictures of dinner unless you’re a chef or restaurant critic?
She sounds sad and lonely and that could be dangerous.
Do not invite her into your personal space.
Tell DH it’s inappropriate and it needs to stop.
Get legal advice.

Then you need to grow up and wise up. You are being used to prop up the ego of a man who thinks of you as wank fodder. Get some self-respect and see this man for what he is. He sees you as a toy to play with because he’s so pathetic he feels bored and neglected while his wife is doing something truly incredible: making an actual person out of her own body. You are acting like a parasite. His wife doesn’t need your pity, she deserves your respect.