Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

I’d be finding a male friend to text every and buy gifts for - he would soon change his tune!

I was once a young MASSIVELY dysfunctional single woman and I had this kind of things with more than one older male colleague - it never went further because of me - but they would have all jumped at the chance.

And it certainly wasn’t because I put in massive effort to lure these dedicated husbands away - it’s just because I had zero self esteem, was massively dysfunctional in relationships and was actually quite vulnerable.

at the same time - I also had some very good appropriate friendships with older male colleagues and the vibe was completely different.

the situation you describe very much sits within the first camp I’m afraid

my point of view that is that I wouldn’t want someone that I had to make a fuss about not chasing some young thing

if he’s that kinda man - do you want him?? But I know that’s easier said than done when there are children and finances and houses etc

but still - I’d tel him once very clearly you are not okay with it and if it persisted I’d be putting plans in place

I've found in higher stress jobs like teaching, affairs are quite common place.

No way would I be inviting her over!

I would firmly just be telling him that it’s not acceptable, he’s prioritising his new ‘friend’ instead of you because his ego is loving it, it’s upsetting you and that if he doesn’t stop then the relationship will be in trouble and it will be his fault.

This is just unrealistic though. It’s not a soap. The OP doesn’t know her, how is she going to invite her over?

Obviously the husband isn’t going to invite her to his house to see his humdrum life. Why would he? And why would she go round to a colleges house who she was having an emotional affair with to meet his wife.

@Beachybabe, plenty is wrong here. Your boundaries are being trampled on as your H invests in this EA.

He and OW are acting quite coupley in their cozy bubble. She is constantly reaching out and keeping herself front and center via her life updates and photos. She is also confiding about her issues, and H is basking in being her KISA. He is flattered and is validated by her attention and the intimacy they are building.

It’s awful that H is shutting you down and dismissing your discomfort. This shows how invested he is in prioritizing OW. He wants to continue his cake eating, so he is downplaying and blame shifting, and serving you more shit sandwiches.

Get fierce, @Beachybabe. You don’t have to tolerate his making a mug of you. Tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn’t shut this window pronto, cut contact with OW, and change jobs.

I'm glad to see replies agreeing that this is inappropriate and not saying it's controlling to not like this op. I wouldn't be standing for this, does he message male colleagues every day and accept gifts from them? I doubt it. These things always start with messaging often, an affair doesn't start with jumping into bed or inappropriate contact, this could be the start of something and he either stops now and shuts it down or risks breaking your trust.

She might not necessarily want to be with him but if she is single she is enjoying the attention he gives her and the attention she can give him. Like having a boyfriend in name only.

He is clearly flattered and is getting a buzz out of her being so interested.

Either he puts a stop to it or dump him.

Or if you are of those that refuse to split up, get a special friend of your own.

Do you work, OP? Do you both own your own home? His relationship is taking you places you don't want to go, so get wise. Start thinking about how a life apart might look for you.

I think I’d be really upset by him telling you to stop being weird!
I think he’s walking on dangerous ground and this could easily escalate if he keeps replying to her messages.
Have you asked him how he’d feel if it was you who had a male colleague messaging you all of the time?

Hey OP ..
I actually can’t believe these threads sometimes, I don’t mean I’m having a go at you , it’s your husband, trying to make you feel as though you are in the wrong !
Of course you are not in the wrong & he needs to stop talking to this woman ..

You bringing up your feelings on this shouldn’t result in an argument. Why does this “friendship” trump your feelings and boundaries?

Would he be ok with you having a male friend buying you gifts and texts daily?

Just because they haven’t (yet) strayed into full on affair territory, doesn’t mean they/one of them isn’t hoping for it. Affairs start out with innocent friendships.

I was single throughout my 30’s in a very high pressured job too, any married man I would only ever message for work relates things being mindful and respectful of their marriage. (Not that they would have fancied me anyway 😂).

I agree as a single woman who had married friends I would never have messaged them daily or bought them gifts. This did happen to me in my 20’s though - my boyfriend at the time had a PhD colleague who constantly knitted him scarves 😂 - Yes she was after him and they ended up together.

get her number, invite her round if she's a "friend" your H wont be weird about it. If she comes sit them both down and tell them this is not happening! cheeky cow!

It can, sometimes, be completely innocent.

I work in a male dominated industry, so most of my workmates are men.

I've worked for this company for 3 years, but came as part of an acquisition (so a lot of us joined at once 3 years ago, having worked together for a couple of years before that).

I'm friends with several of the guys from the old company (that was acquired), we sometimes send each other photos of things in our lives (interesting food, our same-age kids in school plays, our pet wearing a hat, the view from holiday, our christmas trees, just the stupid stuff we'd send to our same sex friends).

I don't know their wives and they don't know my DH, but I believe we'd be totally open to meeting each other's family if the occasion arose.

I once bought one of them some specialist food that I know they like as I buying some for myself, I sent another one a book DD had enjoyed for their DD.

I can honestly say there's been no flirting or hidden agenda in these interactions. They're literally just my workmates and could just as well be female.

I understand though, that as the woman in question here is new, they don't have the shared work history that I have with these guys.

But all in all, not everything is a smoking gun.

They're always 'going through a hard time' 🙄 in my experience married men aren't friendly or being a kind and supportive friend to much younger women unless they want to shag them. How would he feel if you were having a close friendship with a male colleague who was texting you all the time and buying you gifts?

The fact that he is trying to make out you're the unreasonable one is infuriating. He knows what he's doing.

I'd be giving her a ring and asking if she'd like to pop over and share what's so important that she's contacting your husband every day.

I'm not sure this is soaplike but I don't watch them so maybe.. just think If she's 'just a friend' but close enough to message daily why wouldn't she come for a meal? She'll be curious but it might help because she will have to look at what she's actually doing. Obviously he would be the one to invite, op just suggests.

I agree with Charityshopmensglasses, I'd call him on it, "hey, so great you've got a new work friend, bring her over for dinner!" Watch him shit the bed on that. Here's the thing, if she's really a "friend" you'll all be tucking into a lasagne together real soon, if she's tickling his ego, he will look horrified. Watch his face when you suggest it. Forget his words, WATCH HIS FACE. Also, if he tries to make your reaction to his crappy behaviour the problem, I'd call him on that... it's called gaslighting. The problem is his behaviour, not how you feel about it!

100 percent

It certainly looks very suspicious, but not at the 'pack his bags and change the locks' stage yet.
Assuming she doesn't know he's married, invite her round, I suspect as soon as she knows she'll rapidly back off, especially as there are kids involved - not everyone is a complete whatever.

I think the deeper problem the OP has is WHY is she being gaslit (gaslighted?) I am sorry, OP but it does look like you need to be prepared for the worst, even though it might all blow over.

My husband did this with a colleague. It was all totally innocent, til it wasnt. He lives with her now and I was left with 4 kids at home.

He called you questioning him “weird” because in his heart he knows it’s wrong, but he likes the ego boost so won’t stop.

You could get a female friend to text you, pretending to be a male colleague. When you get the texts, do a big grin, say Awww, smile away and enthusiastically text back an answer. That’s what a friend did when her DH got too close to a colleague. It got the message across as he got more and more annoyed with “Andy” texting in the evenings and interrupting family time. My friend had tried to ask him how he’d feel if the situation was reversed before, but he wouldn’t entertain it and got snappy and said she was being ridiculous. Yet, actually seeing what he thought was a male colleague texting her brought the message home very clearly.

These female colleagues are always ‘going through a hard time’ and they’re always young 🙄 Men like your DH like the attention and they like to be a knight in shining armour. They build up a little fantasy in their heads.

Hi my partner of 7 years was a nice guy, apparently, this was until a female colleague became friends with him, I had no idea though about her, but when we went through a rare hard time he suddenly split with me and then two weeks later ended up with her.
Turns out he was leaning on her and enjoying the attention and I was too stupid to notice and she was leaning on him and also newly single. I am with someone much better now although I will still be wary from now on about female work friends.
I think her buying your partner gifts is dead wrong and not ok, he is not listening to you and your feelings and it is heading to e.a territory. Really hope you work things things through I really do x