Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

Don't play games with them, they either stop or you ask him to leave the marriage. You are NOT exaggerating this situation and they are frankly making a mockery of your family .

Seriously? You're blaming the woman for his actions?

Im so sorry OP. But honestly, the marriage would already be over for me. I dont want to be with any man who thinks its ok to message another woman every day, even if its totally innocent, I still believe its crossing a boundary and one I wouldnt put up with. Call me controlling or dramatic, but its a hard no for me. DH can have female friends but I wouldnt want them speaking every day, why is that even necessary.
The fact that your H is doing this, and now that you've raised concerns, is dismissing your feelings and hasnt completely put a stop to it, thats strike number 2. If I was willing to accept the messaging has already happened and stay with him, the bare minimum I would expect would be for him to acknowledge my feelings and put an end to it. Your H isnt doing that, and is basically putting her before you. She is his priority not you, and that would be the final straw.
Protect yourself and your DCs now, because im sorry but this isnt going to end well. Hes having an emotional affair, which is likely to escalate sooner or later, if it hasn't already.

She's having a hard time and he's getting a hard on. C'mon, this is almost text book. They're both taking the piss out of you (especially your DH, the woman owes you nothing). You know where this is going don't you OP.

It is though. DH has several friends through a hobby. One man in particular they were messaging constantly, I'd have been worried if it was a woman doing the same!
Just remembered they gave each other gifts too 😅
Usually bottles of beer or mix CDs.

Definitely put a stop to it before it goes too far. Happened me recently with my husband. HIs cousin kept ringing & texting. She had just lost her husband but it got a bit much. I said it to him. It's stopped now. Much better. I know he wanted to be there for her but it was a bit OTT

She knows exactly what she’s doing. He needs to be careful.

He messages other mates a lot and says it’s exactly the same with her. What’s the issue. Really hurts that he needs to be in touch with her so much as well by replying and keeping the conversation going.
I do know her and she has been friendly to me so maybe she is trying to be both our friends?
level of contact still too much imo and inappropriate

There was a long running thread on here @Beachybabe by a woman in your situation. It had been going on a lot longer than your DH and this woman. She was absolutely broken by it. Please take the good advice of PP’s on here before it goes on any longer. I actually second what @AmandaHoldensLips advises. I would wipe the bloody floor with the silly woman. That’s always assuming your husband is worth the effort of putting a stop to this? Only you know the answer to that question.

Whoa! I read your original comment OP and the one about the gifts. No way - this is not going to end well. Please put your foot down!

Knowing what I know now I’d walk away. No fuss no drama, I’d just be done.

People having affairs split up with you but don’t leave straight away. He already cares more about her feelings than yours. I wouldn’t hang around to dutifully play my part in their story.

This is absolutely brilliant!

Look, let’s strip this back to brass tacks. If there’s no romantic line being crossed no confessions of love, no flirtation, no hard prove of an affair then what you’re looking at isn’t an affair. It’s not betrayal in the classic sense. It’s an intense friendship. That’s what this is, at best.

Now sure, it might feel uncomfortable, maybe even disrespectful from where you’re sitting, but in hard terms, it’s not criminal. It’s emotionally complex maybe tone-deaf but not treasonous.

She’s single. She’s reaching out. Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe she just sees your husband as a steady hand, someone solid in the chaos of her life. Maybe she genuinely wants to be friends with your DH.

And your husband? He says he’s just being a mate. No deleted messages. No secret rendezvous. No late-night calls. Just regular, casual maybe excessive contact. If he’s treating her the way he treats his other mates, then maybe this really is just friendship. Maybe.

But here’s the thing. Even if it’s innocent even if it’s nothing the intensity of it matters. Because optics matter. Emotional bandwidth matters. If it’s draining your trust, consuming too much oxygen in your marriage, then it’s already costing something even if no line’s been crossed.

I would absolutely invite her round for food, with her other half and scope out that situation fully. However as a married woman myself I would be very upset by his behaviour.

If your husband won’t listen you need to play him at his own game and get yourself a male text buddy immmediately - or if you have a female friend who messages you regularly change her name in your phone to a male name - see how he likes it. I would NOT be tolerating this on any level so I would have already hit the nuclear button. You need to take a leaf out of my book, the grief my husband would get would make this situation something he would drop like a hot potato. Your husband is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful. You shouldn’t have to lower yourself to contacting the woman, he should be dealing with it.

The OP says she is single.

Happened to me with my exH. She was showing him photos of her broken ankle. At the time I said to him that's if she's showing you photos of that, then what else is she showing you.
Well it turns out they were having an affair and are now together.
So that would be a red flag to me!

And this is exactly how my teacher ex-husband's affair with his TA started.

I haven't read any of your replies OP in order to give my own thoughts without being influenced.

This behaviour is despicable on both sides.The young lady for disrespecting the fact the man she is chasing is married & your DH for considering it acceptable. I hope you manage to put a stop to this before it goes further. The situation requires a serious discussion about boundaries & what is acceptable within marriage. I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. Your DH needs to distance himself ASAP. There are ways to do this without appearing rude or falling out.He is a Teacher & not stupid although it is definitely stupid behaviour if he wants his marriage to last. It's also unprofessional. I hope it works out for you both.

if there’s no hard proof on an affair, there isn’t an affair? Don’t be daft.
OP Id be concerned.

@Miaminmoo "If your husband won’t listen you need to play him at his own game and get yourself a male text buddy immmediately"

This doesn't work. I tried it when my DH got engrossed with another woman online through a hobby. He didn't give a shit. In fact I think he thought it solved a problem - as in I would leave for another man and he could play the innocent party. He could barely conceal his joy when I "let" him discover. It was at that point that my eyes finally opened wide to what I was really dealing with and what a fucking fool I'd been.

He shuts you down if you try to talk about it.
And that’s enough because if things were innocent he’d be listening to you and changing his behaviour. So he’s gas lighting you and claiming it’s all fine.
I’m sorry to be a pessimist but there are so many scenarios like this . I’d be taking steps to protect yourself. Maybe see a lawyer just for advice at this stage.

Yes!!!!

YANBU

He needs to knock it on the head or I would be off. Really disrespectful

Some men just love feeling like they are mentoring the inexperienced newbie to the profession. Makes them feel all clever like they have wisdom to impart.