Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

509 replies

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:43

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

OP posts:
Chattycatt · 16/04/2025 11:27

I would not contact her at all

Silverstars21 · 16/04/2025 11:31

L0UISA · 16/04/2025 09:14

@DoddlesMcDoddle

I don’t think that all the women in these situations are “ home wreckers “. I think that sometimes they are vulnerable in some way

much younger ( like a sixth former and a teacher )
much more junior to the man, so it’s hard to refuse his advances
a woman he line manages, so he can harm his career if she doesn’t cooperate
genuinely having some sort of personal crisis , such as a close relative terminally ill or recently bereaved or suffering from mental health problems

Sometimes the woman thinks it’s innocent as it’s not sexual. That they are doing “ nothing wrong “. Until of course it is sexual .

None of this exonerates the man of course. It’s not a mitigating factor, it’s an aggravating factor, as the woman isn’t able to make a free choice .

So no they are not all deliberate home wreckers . It’s the husband who destroyers the marriage, not the mistress. If it wasnt her, it would be someone else. Many men are serial cheats.

The main issue is his poor behaviour, not hers. He is the one who took the marriage vows.

Edited

Interesting views. I'm assuming by saying it's never the mistress who destroys the marriage it's the man, this also excludes her from having a conscience about having sex with a married man. In situations where affairs are concerned there are no innocent parties unless they definitely didn't know the person was married. The grooming of a very young woman over the age of consent by a much older man is another story. In OPs situation this is not what's happening.

PeacocksandSquirrels · 16/04/2025 11:31

Honestly OP, if your husband would rather split up with his wife and lose his family than stop messaging this woman, that says everything. If he was worried about upsetting you, even if he didn't agree with you, he would put a stop to it
If you split up, it's his fault alone.

SpainToday · 16/04/2025 11:38

I challenged the OW - she just laughed and me, and said it was none of my business

SpainToday · 16/04/2025 11:38

PeacocksandSquirrels · 16/04/2025 11:31

Honestly OP, if your husband would rather split up with his wife and lose his family than stop messaging this woman, that says everything. If he was worried about upsetting you, even if he didn't agree with you, he would put a stop to it
If you split up, it's his fault alone.

This

Welshwhales · 16/04/2025 11:41

Don't contact her !! Your husband is the problem here and she will probably laugh in your face .

PeacocksandSquirrels · 16/04/2025 11:42

PeacocksandSquirrels · 16/04/2025 11:31

Honestly OP, if your husband would rather split up with his wife and lose his family than stop messaging this woman, that says everything. If he was worried about upsetting you, even if he didn't agree with you, he would put a stop to it
If you split up, it's his fault alone.

I know this because I've been through it, and my husband did everything in his power to make it up to me, including getting a new job. We are better than ever now, and he cried and cried when he realised what he was about to lose.
Don't speak to the other woman, this is about the two of you, your marriage, and how to put things right, he needs to immediately stop contacting her and block her, he doesn't owe her anything.

GraceUnderPresure · 16/04/2025 11:46

ExH saw OW when we were out having a family meal, she came over to say hi and he introduced us, she said how much she'd heard all about me, lovely to meet me, etc.
Didn't stop her sleeping with him though and him eventually moving in with her.
Honestly, there's no point in trying to get the upper hand or game playing. Just tell DH that you're not happy with the way things are and he's the one who can make the changes to restore your relationship.
Be prepared to walk away, but hopefully you won't have to...

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 11:49

SpainToday · 16/04/2025 11:38

I challenged the OW - she just laughed and me, and said it was none of my business

My God. That's sociopathic.

DraigCymraeg · 16/04/2025 11:59

wizzywig · 16/04/2025 11:04

Op make a decision when you've had a good night's sleep x
Do you know anyone in his workplace that you could ask confidentially what is happening?

Good advice.
OP needs to take a breath and slow down a tad.

Watermill · 16/04/2025 12:03

I really wouldn’t bother speaking to her. I don’t think it will end well.

Tartanboots · 16/04/2025 12:08

Don't call her. She won't tell you what her true feelings are, you're a stranger! She could tell you anything. Her feelings aren't the issue really, your husband's are. And his behaviour.
If you are determined to call her despite all that, at least find your anger and tell her she's coming across as a psycho stalker, to stop contacting your husband (who is only being polite and pretending to be her friend because he feels sorry for her), and if she doesn't stop contact you'll tell her boss and all her colleagues what a homewrecking bitch she is, as well as reporting her to the police for harrassment. You'll seem like a nutbag and to be honest that would be true, but it may get her to back off. (Then start divorce proceedings as your H is an idiot)

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 16/04/2025 12:10

Beachybabe · 16/04/2025 10:59

spent all night awake thinking about next steps. So tired I can’t even face work. I need to speak to her. Speaking to him isn’t working. Ask her if she has feelings for him and some honest talking. It will hurt so much but then I will know the truth and can start making plans to protect me and my two dc. now wondering are there rumours at the school about them too. What you’ve been saying about her seeing him as a boyfriend in all but name is ringing so true - the near daily contact, what I’m doing, where I am, what I’m eating etc. it’s cute and cosy.

If you contact her, be very polite and also make sure to include that as far as you know there are no issues in your relationship. He might (probably) have told her some sob story that he’s on the way.

Or she might know and just not care. I’ve had one of those before. She knew fully well about me and said “sorry if I stole him from you”. lol.

GreenFields07 · 16/04/2025 12:23

I also wouldn't contact her. Agree with PPs that if she has feelings for him, she will love that she's causing drama between you and it likely wont make her stop anyway.
Your H has made it very clear that her feelings are more important than yours. OP you deserve to be with someone who puts you first, who forsakes all others as said in your marriage vows. He isn't worth this agg and your DCs shouldnt be seeing you treated this way.
Sorry but have some self respect and put your big girl pants on, tell him firmly that this either stops now or its over. That will give you all the answers you need, and im sorry if it doesnt go the way you want, but he's not your forever if he cant stop this for you.

Silverstars21 · 16/04/2025 12:50

@beachybabe You have to do what you feel will help you get through this. As other posters have mentioned there is absolutely no way she will admit to having feelings for him as that would put a stop to her behaviour given she thinks she is in with a chance. If you really feel you must speak to her it might be an idea to say I'm aware you keep messaging my husband. The vast majority of people I've told think this is bang out of order & as off now it must stop. You will be able to gauge from her attitude how she feels that is unless she is an excellent liar. Stay strong 💪

LucieLemon · 16/04/2025 12:50

I don’t see anything wrong in telling your DH that you are “jealous” of his interactions with his colleague. He’s putting her thoughts and feelings above yours, and showing her a level of attention and consideration that he isn’t affording you. I would be very resentful of this, it’s not being a psycho wife or whatever belittling, minimising term he wishes to use. It’s having your feelings hurt by your supposedly “D” H. It’s easier for him to push it back on you than for him to admit to himself he’s being inconsiderate and enjoying the attention.
He can say that his intentions are honest and innocent but he can’t speak on her behalf. I would raise that he could, unintentionally 🙄, be giving her encouragement or mixed messages. It’s so easy for these things to escalate.
He could feel there’s nothing untoward but again, he can only speak from his perspective. The biggest issue here is that he’s not listening to your concerns and taking steps to reassure or address his behaviour.

Silverstars21 · 16/04/2025 12:51

GreenFields07 · 16/04/2025 12:23

I also wouldn't contact her. Agree with PPs that if she has feelings for him, she will love that she's causing drama between you and it likely wont make her stop anyway.
Your H has made it very clear that her feelings are more important than yours. OP you deserve to be with someone who puts you first, who forsakes all others as said in your marriage vows. He isn't worth this agg and your DCs shouldnt be seeing you treated this way.
Sorry but have some self respect and put your big girl pants on, tell him firmly that this either stops now or its over. That will give you all the answers you need, and im sorry if it doesnt go the way you want, but he's not your forever if he cant stop this for you.

This too,just make sure you've thought it through & know what your doing.

Ilovemeggy38 · 16/04/2025 12:56

I cannot understand why you think contacting her is a good idea.
If she is just getting an attention buzz out of him she is going to tell you he's just a close friend, best mate, nothing in it etc and then paint you out to be a neurotic wife...just like he is doing. They may well bond and laugh over "how silly is Beachybabe being, we are doing nothing wrong, honestly she is so mad🙄"
Or if she is seriously pursuing him she will love the fact she's causing upset at home and may use you contacting her to play the victim, cry on his shoulder and get him to stick up for her
Thirdly, he obviously wants to carry this dalliance on, he is going to call you controlling and unreasonable by contacting her.
I can see no scenario that will benefit you by contacting her OP
I know you are hoping she will immediately see how her messaging him is not okay and reign it back but I think you are being really nieve in this.
It's HIM you need to be addressing this with, he can choose to nip it in the bud and prioritize your marriage. Why are you not insisting that he does?

Silverstars21 · 16/04/2025 13:09

Ilovemeggy38 · 16/04/2025 12:56

I cannot understand why you think contacting her is a good idea.
If she is just getting an attention buzz out of him she is going to tell you he's just a close friend, best mate, nothing in it etc and then paint you out to be a neurotic wife...just like he is doing. They may well bond and laugh over "how silly is Beachybabe being, we are doing nothing wrong, honestly she is so mad🙄"
Or if she is seriously pursuing him she will love the fact she's causing upset at home and may use you contacting her to play the victim, cry on his shoulder and get him to stick up for her
Thirdly, he obviously wants to carry this dalliance on, he is going to call you controlling and unreasonable by contacting her.
I can see no scenario that will benefit you by contacting her OP
I know you are hoping she will immediately see how her messaging him is not okay and reign it back but I think you are being really nieve in this.
It's HIM you need to be addressing this with, he can choose to nip it in the bud and prioritize your marriage. Why are you not insisting that he does?

I agree with this too but if OP can't see the wood for the trees & does contact her she should be prepared for exactly what you said & then give DH an ultimatum. Personally I would give the ultimatum first but everyone deals with it their own way when another woman is involved. OP has to be absolutely certain about whats going on before taking drastic steps.

alcoholnightmare · 16/04/2025 13:19

There was a response to a post on here a few years ago…. “If you have to remind your husband not to get into EA/cheat, it’s done”. Be that woman

Milosc · 16/04/2025 13:26

OP, if he knows he is hurting you and doesn't care, why do you want to be with him? Even if she disappeared forever, he was still willing to put another woman's feelings above yours. That is not a good partner. He is not keeping you safe. You will always know he is not to be trusted if he doesn't stop this now. Sit him down and tell him enough. If he refuses then walk away. If he is willing to throw away his marriage for her then they are probably already having a physical affair and he has her waiting in the wings. Please know you deserve better. You will never respect yourself if you chase after the OW. She is not innocent. She knows better. No woman sends kisses and buys bottles of wine while on a holiday for a man they aren't sleeping with or want to. You don't have to be the cool wife. Stand up for yourself. You will be grateful you did.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/04/2025 13:34

alcoholnightmare · 16/04/2025 13:19

There was a response to a post on here a few years ago…. “If you have to remind your husband not to get into EA/cheat, it’s done”. Be that woman

Having been here myself with a long term BF where it dragged on, I (sadly) agree with this

Also i would not contact her under any circs.
It just sets you up as the deranged/crazy/obsessive/hysterical wife. (Pick your own trope)

I really feel for you OP.

MsDogLady · 16/04/2025 14:20

@Beachybabe, he would be responsible if you split, as he is the one who is betraying his marriage and family to pursue the thrill of OW’s adoration.

Don’t fall for his con. He absolutely knows that he is crossing boundaries, but he has an agenda to pretend otherwise via his ‘We’re just friends’ dupe so he can carry on with his shiny new girlfriend. As her validation is his priority, your feelings don’t rate.

Contacting OW would be a foolish move. She will lie and minimize just like he is doing. Don’t diminish yourself by handing her your power.

Take definitive action with your H, @Beachybabe. He needs to experience a sharp consequence for shitting on you and the children to pursue this EA. If anything will shock him out of his fantasy, it will be feeling the loss of you, so send him away at least for a while. Use that time to contact a solicitor to learn about your options.

SpainToday · 16/04/2025 14:39

I agree that sending him away for a while may indeed shock him into stopping all this nonsense, I wish I’d been brave enough to do that.

LivelyMintViper · 16/04/2025 14:46

Can you say to him that if she needs support it would be better to come from another woman. Speak to her not in a confrontational way but in the way that says you know your husband thinks she needs support and you're happy to do so would you like to meet for coffee? Or maybe invited for a meal?

Swipe left for the next trending thread