Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

@LivelyMintViper some OW would absolutely love the thrill of being invited around the house as a chance to snoop so OP might end up with actually having her around 😬

I wouldn’t message her. I was in your situation. She didn’t care she knew about me, as I was his wife. But the bigger issue was he was lapping up her attention when we were in a tricky place. In the end I told him I didn’t need to be married to him. He tried to u turn. I think you need to stand up to him. If your words aren’t working show him with your actions. Tell him you need space. Ask him to leave temporarily. This kind of marriage isn’t what you signed up for. If he isn’t listening maybe write it out. Good luck op I know how horrible it is.

Or, it may play into his 'poor me I've done nothing wrong' narrative and the wannabe ow may well offer her 'spare room' or sofa just to help him through this difficult time of course.

Honestly, it is nauseating how these scenarios play out. Potential fling people dipping their toes seeing what happens.

If OW did offer to take him in, I wonder how long that would last before the thrill wore off and he realised what an idiot he'd been?

I think you're marriage is practically irredeemable if it's reliant on the OW 'backing off'.

Your husband should be cutting her off, prioritising your feelings and doing all he can to reassure you. Instead, he's gaslighting the hell out of you. You cannot based your security on other women having more regard for you than your crappy husband.

What happens when you scare this one away and he starts missing the attention, so finds another woman willing to play this game? How many women will you be having words with?

Good grief OP you can’t contact her!
You’ll never feel better than you do now after that conversation- you’ll feel x 1,000 worse.
Keep your dignity and don’t go fishing for what will probably be lies. Why would you believe what she’d have to say? Think about it!
She owes you nothing.
The first thing after you’ve contacted her is she’ll go running to DH - they will gang up on crazy wife, you’ll push them closer together.
This woman should leave your DH alone, but she’s a free spirit and can have the morals of an alley cat, it’s nothing to do with you.
Your marriage has a boundary around it and it’s your DH who is in charge of and opening these floodgates.
Sadly if you’re not getting anywhere with him, it’s because he’s checked out already and your marriage is over. This woman is ONLY his CURRENT distraction
You can’t contact her

Another reason not to contact her is that it will elevate her feelings of significance in your marriage. Don't give her that importance.

If you ever did get to talk to her, I would be implying that her friendship with your DH is one of many he has with female friends and that he often shares the messages with you.

The more weight you give her, the more power she will have. Your issue is with your DH. He needs to own his behaviour and prioritise his wife.

When my ex was cheating on me I confronted the other woman and she made up an entire person and pretended that she was engaged to him and even bought a ring for herself to add to the lie and made up that her fiancé thought I was crazy because I had a problem with her calling my boyfriend pet names and being clingy.

Or, stir the pot 'hi sue my dh has said he's so sick of you constantly messaging him but feels sorry for you and doesn't know how to tell you to stop as you're such a fragile character. So thought I'd ask instead'.

I bet that would piss on her chips .

Or you could message her and say ‘hi OW, hubby showed me your message about the wine. I would love to get him some for his birthday. If you could bring back some extra I’ll pay you for it. Enjoy your hols!’

Shows that her messages to him aren’t private and you are part of the convo. Takes the wind out of her sails thinking she’s important and then lets her know you are aware of her behaviour without coming across crazy.

Brilliant!!!

Also good!

I remember being told that ‘If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else’. This could not be truer.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t subscribe to the OW as ‘vulnerable’ nonsense, believe you and me the OW I dealt with was nasty, she twisted the knife as much as possible and said some absolutely shocking things, but the thing is, I’d never have had the misfortune of knowing who she was, if my husband hadn’t been flattered at first by her constant messaging and then happily skipped into an affair with her. It just took someone to offer it up.

And there lies the rub.

This is a husband problem, not a her problem. DO NOT CONTACT HER. This was the biggest mistake I made. I gave OW relevance and value. She didn’t deserve any.

You have to draw a very firm line in the sand and if he continues on this path then it may be time to reevaluate the marriage. The way he’s behaving he will at some point have an affair as his desire for ego kibbles from other women is undeniable. He is not a safe partner for you.

If OW did offer to take him in, I wonder how long that would last before the thrill wore off and he realised what an idiot he'd been?

In my ex-DH’s case, not very long. Once she was no longer forbidden fruit, the thrill wore off pretty quickly

She's chasing him and he's flattered. She knows he likes the attention. If it meant nothing he'd take your concerns on board and he'd nip this in the bud but he's ignoring your concerns

It’s just too cosy isn’t it? I have a male online friend, we message daily. But I also have his partner on social media, and he will say “she says hi” or “will you send her that link you mentioned” and she’s fully aware of our friendship. Plus there is nothing sexual there at all

I'd absolutely hate that but each to their own I suppose,especially if everyone involved is happy.

Brilliant idea! You are very clever and I wish I'd thought of this. I hope OP tries your strategy.

OP, you are in such an awful situation, but you cannot contact her to have an honest chat. You won't get the answers you want. Based on all the messages you've described, and your husband's attitude, nothing will be admitted to. At work it's either more of the same between them, ie flirting, or they've taken it further.
Make a decision for yourself and your children about your marriage and home life because you already know your husband's decision. Please plan your own future now and put those plans in motion sooner rather than later. I wouldn't have further discussion with DH. I'd be civil, but I'd be obtaining legal advice for separation, full custody, retaining the home, and financial support now.

Having said all that, if it were me, I'd also do my best to fucking humiliate him, and her, after kicking him out and servi g papers, iie an announcement on FB:

I just want to advise my family and friends that I have kicked DH out and served him with divorce papers due to his intimate relationship with his colleague X. To prevent any misunderstanding I want everyone to hear it directly from me. I'd also mull over confronting her angrily in public.
But, those are my musings...

OP, you deserve a devoted and loving partner. Life is too short to suffer when you can move on to so much better.

People like that are not stupid. If you are trying to get off with someone's husband & you know the wife is probably suspicious due to his new behaviour you would assume she found the messages & this is her way of confronting her. Its not a good idea.

@Silverstars21 I don't agree. None of us know these people. It might be worth a try.

I respect your thoughts but what if OPs DH is in cahoots with her & there is an affair happening or about to happen. She would know this is nonsense. She needs to keep her cards close to her chest.

You may well be right. It's such a tricky situation and I feel for the OP. Let's hope things go well for her, whatever the outcome.

Thing is she hasn’t snooped on these messages. He did show her. She’s being honest. I imagine the OW wouldn’t be happy about him showing his wife her messages whether or not an affair is happening. It cheapens in her eyes what they have. Yes he could lie to her and tell her his wife snooped but him lying in itself is a red flag. If it’s an issue to the OW that his wife saw the messages it means there is an intimate relationship happening. If he really is trying to make his wife jealous as pp have said then it back fires on him by outing him to the OW.

At the end of the day the OP is confronting him. I'm sure we all agree regardless of the outcome she will keep those who have supported her with letting posters know the outcome & how she is coping & moving forward.