Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

1. Ask him how he'd feel if a male was texting you every day, buying you gifts, chocolates etc then sends a picture of a bottle of wine with kisses on the end.
2. Demand he cease contacting this homewrecker (and that is what she is, or what she intends to be) or you'll see a divorce solicitor. Ask him to choose; his wife and family, or homewrecker.
3. Show him this thread. The lowlife bastard needs to see exactly what is going on here.

Lastly, these homewreckers are always 'going through a hard time'. That's how they MANIPULATE the man into giving them so much attention. It's a 'damsel in distress' move. They know what they are doing.

Oh and 4. I definitely would text homewrecker and tell her that her presents and tweets to H are causing problems in your marriage and you are asking her, woman to woman, to back off and stop contacting him out of hours.

But only give an ultimatum if you're prepared to go through with it, otherwise you weaken your position even further.

Last man I was in a relationship kept doing this. Had one especially but also other women he’d text all day and loveheart their pictures. I went ballistic when he was doing it on Valentine’s Day and got told I was jealous, controlling etc.

Anyway, we’ve broken up now but this behaviour hurt me more than I realised at the time. It’s horrible.

Also, it isn’t that he ‘doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it’ but rather that he knows it is one of those grey areas that can be redescribed to suit his purposes. So he is.

@DoddlesMcDoddle

I don’t think that all the women in these situations are “ home wreckers “. I think that sometimes they are vulnerable in some way

much younger ( like a sixth former and a teacher )
much more junior to the man, so it’s hard to refuse his advances
a woman he line manages, so he can harm his career if she doesn’t cooperate
genuinely having some sort of personal crisis , such as a close relative terminally ill or recently bereaved or suffering from mental health problems

Sometimes the woman thinks it’s innocent as it’s not sexual. That they are doing “ nothing wrong “. Until of course it is sexual .

None of this exonerates the man of course. It’s not a mitigating factor, it’s an aggravating factor, as the woman isn’t able to make a free choice .

So no they are not all deliberate home wreckers . It’s the husband who destroyers the marriage, not the mistress. If it wasnt her, it would be someone else. Many men are serial cheats.

The main issue is his poor behaviour, not hers. He is the one who took the marriage vows.

Op - does he message you every day? or just this other woman from work? its an emotional affair or it is the start of one I'm afraid & he needs to put a stop to it. He eould not be happy if you were doing similar with a male work colleague. After 15 years marriage can become dull and predictable. She is massively flattering his ego with this attention. & no doubt he loves it. Escapism for him (how lovely - wouldn't we all like photos, messafes and gifts?) but it could easily lead to an actual physical affair if it hasn't already. Picture this as the start ie first dating/courting relationship - even if he thinks it's all innocent I bet she doesn't. If it's innocent tell him to give you her number and message and invite her round for tea one night - say you are dying to meet her as hubby talks about her so much. She'll come if she has no agenda and once you meet her you should be able to tell what she's up to?

Tbh, in a way, by focusing on the “you’re having an emotional affair” “no I’m not” side of it, it misses the point. The point is it upsets you and you have asked him to stop doing it. If my DH told me “this is crossing a line and it’s making me unhappy”, I’d pull up immediately. It doesn’t matter what the truth of their relationship is, it matters that he’s choosing to ignore how you feel. If he isn’t emotionally invested in her (as he claims), it shouldn’t be too hard to give up, should it?

I had similar earlier this year my although I wasn’t made aware of their friendship but the colleague was messaging my husband asking him to book her work desks, save her seats next to him, telling him about guys getting flirty with her (when she’s married-wasn’t ), gossiping about other people in the office having affairs, trying to arrange the same working days in the office. Even asked him 6 times over 2 weeks if he was attending a work night out. I told him in no certain terms that this was ok, that affairs start out like this etc, obviously he said he was just being nice there was nothing in it etc. you know the drill but to his word he pulled back, doesn’t message back and created distance by arranging his office days on her none working days. If he had tried to protect this friendship in any way over our family I would have told him to leave, really showed him what was on the line.

Oh yes, acting crazy is the best way. 👍🏻

The problem is that this type of messaging is highly addictive. If he’s at this stage, you telling him to stop will only force him to hide it. And it’s very easy indeed to hide messages these days.

You’ll have no way of knowing if it’s still going on. Locked WhatsApp messages, hidden email accounts, other messaging apps like Discord or Telegram, or even a site like MN where you can PM. Then there’s second phones to consider as well.

I know someone whose wife has put a parenting app on his phone so she sees everything he does because she doesn’t trust him. Beyond this there’s no way of knowing what someone is up to.

It's a form of cheating and way over the top for a 'mate'
As others have said, it's an emotional affair.
The bottom line is he doesn't care how you feel about it.
Yanbu and I would give him an ultimatum.

Exactly this. The worst thing for me would be the fact that he knows his behaviour is upsetting you and making you feel insecure…… yet refuses to change it.

If it’s totally innocent then he should be calmly explaining that to you, reassuring you, discussing where your boundaries are and what you think is acceptable or not in opposite sex friendships. He’s not - he’s getting defensive and getting angry at you! Why?

I agree that he is enjoying making you jealous, which is cruel and uncaring. I think you need to calmly but very firmly tell him that he is overstepping boundaries that are making you very uncomfortable, risking ruining his marriage for an ego boost and that he needs to really think about his priorities. If he continues as he is, then you won’t be sticking around.

@Hollietree exactly that - he may indeed think it’s no different to him being friends with Jim the male teacher( although straight married men don’t tend to buy presents and message each other all the time about trivialities ) - however the fact is the OP doesnt like it and it’s making her feel unsettled ( would me too as I’ve been there before) that should be enough for him to accept it’s not ok and needs to be cut right back - doesn’t mean they can’t be friendly colleagues work, it’s the extra curricular stuff that isn’t ok -

It’s all about boundaries isn’t it . If a male colleague started messaging me , which has happened , about anything other than work it would make me feel a tad uncomfortable. If it was everyday I’d stop replying or give one word answers . If they started buying me presents I’d shut it down . It’s all about respect to your relationship and he is very much crossing a line and is on dangerous ground now.

even it was a male colleague your h was receiving gifts from this would be weird.

He's being defensive for a reason. Being defensive you are hiding and protecting. In this case he's protecting himself and her from you, because he knows what's happening. Some men are cowards and won't finish a relationship, they'll tap away at you mentally until you pop and he'll then turn it on you. It will settle his conscious thinking you were the bad one for getting upset because of his actions. Acting the victim. Its his actions that caused the issues in the first place.

You have three options, get her number from his phone and call her. If she tells him this is what you've done it could put the ball in his court to deflect more towards her as he'll use it as a defence to blame you, that you're in the wrong.

The 2nd option is play him at his own game. Get a male friend to play the interested party. Messy, but could be worth it. This is if he's worth it. I personally don't think he is, but it's worth a go even if it means you still walking away from him in the end.

Lastly, walk away with your dignity and self respect, dont speak to him and cut him off completely. If you don't have children together this will be easier than you think. Is he worth all this bother and mental torture. If he were any sort of a man he wouldn't be putting you and your relationship through this. I'd personally say walk away and block him. Or if it's your house, pack his bags for him and leave them outside. Leave them both to it. She's obviously desperate and likes him.more than just friends and he's lapping it up without any thought of you.

spent all night awake thinking about next steps. So tired I can’t even face work. I need to speak to her. Speaking to him isn’t working. Ask her if she has feelings for him and some honest talking. It will hurt so much but then I will know the truth and can start making plans to protect me and my two dc. now wondering are there rumours at the school about them too. What you’ve been saying about her seeing him as a boyfriend in all but name is ringing so true - the near daily contact, what I’m doing, where I am, what I’m eating etc. it’s cute and cosy.

Op make a decision when you've had a good night's sleep x
Do you know anyone in his workplace that you could ask confidentially what is happening?

She probably won't tell you the truth then you're back to square 1. Then you'll be labelled a psycho by your DH. It's him you have to tackle though he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. So sorry op but I'd definitely be considering divorce.

I honestly wouldn't do this - if she's behaving like this, she obviously doesn't care what you think or how you feel. She won't be honest with you. It's your husband that you need to sort this out with. If he's not willing to stop then he's basically saying he doesn't care how much it upsets you. Why would you stay with someone like that?

Talking to her might help if she could see the damage she's causing - but it also might make things worse, as she could go crying to him about it. It's a shame he can't see sense as he's the one with the power to break the cycle. Is there anybody else he might listen to? An old friend of his or a relative? If not, I think giving an ultimatum and sticking to it might be the only way.

I wouldn’t talk to her either, if there is something more she knows he’s married so unlikely to tell you the truth anyway.

Don’t contact her—you will be the “psycho stalker wife”. I would follow some of the advice above about dealing directly with DH and laying down boundaries in your marriage. And yes, they are pretty much “dating”.

I wouldn’t play games or speak to her . Sit him down and have a very serious conversation and tell him that you consider this cheating and it needs to stop . It’s already in affair territory . Hopefully it can be nipped in the bud but if not there is nothing you can do to stop this. You can get 30 min free consultations with solicitors regarding separating, show him how serious you are .

Agree, the first step is to be firm with him and as him to stop as it’s disrespectful and not acceptable etc etc ( don’t get mad, stay calm but firm), if he doesn’t agree to stop then take it from there, calling the colleague after that may be an option

Also as pp said , if you can get someone else to have a word with him , has he got a sister ? Someone like that . Sometimes people wake up to their bullshit when they’re hearing it from someone else other than their ‘nagging partner’