Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Baffy - your dh is a fool for not choosing you the first time, let alone making the mistake several times It is hard though when someone you love does that to you You are an amazingly strong woman and were a massive help to me when I most needed it. I remember your posts particularly resonating with me at that time. I am so sorry you are going through this

Dior - do you think your dh really thinks your weight is an issue? If so, how sad and shallow of him It made me angry to read that he had made you feel small many times. My dh did this to me on occasion (particularly last year when he was secretly shagging OW). I remember feeling angry at the time but making concessions for him as the m/cs were bound to have affected him too. Guess what.............NO MORE CONCESSIONS. Gloves are off girls. I will NEVER EVER allow him to make me feel like shit again. If I am ever able to move on from this and to give our relationship another go, he needs to know that I am way too precious to ever risk losing again.

Good, just need to convince myself now

Hi LL welcome Been lurking again girlies sorry
Your post just resonated with me LL - I am so strong and competent in all other aspects of my life....but H manages to make me feel worthless and useless and like a little bit of nothing How pathetic is that
Am writing down everything he did (everything) in preparation for solicitor and it makes very depressing reading - bloody hell how stupid was I how many chances did I give him - like you Baffy he chose her time and time again (well TBH I think he was just a coward) and now it is time to reap the consequences
But not really how I wanted it to end
Dior your H is a fool - different circumstances same actions he needs to shape up!
Baffy keep going I know how hard it is H keeps saying we should go for lunch as a family
TFM fingers and everything crossed am hoping desperately it will all just be a scare xxx
Lily hope you are enjoying your hols
GUP - thanks for offer of meetup - TBH London has been hard work wedding plans full steam ahead and smiley happy face firmly plastered though not feeling so good inside
Hope everyone else is ok

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LL and Macd I totally understand both of your posts This was never how we wanted things to be.

LL that did sound convincing, I do exactly the same thing
Eventually, it does start to become reality though.

I agree with you two, how do they manage to make us feel so worthless. When we know how strong we are in everything else.
I wonder if sometimes it's because I let him Obviously I have my reasons, I love him, he's my husband, the father of my child, he was my soulmate. But we wouldn't take that sort of crap from anyone else in our lives would we!

I manage a team of 12 people. In the last 2 weeks I have 2 of the girls announce they're pregnant, 1 bloke absolutely take the piss to the point where people are coming in asking me to sack him! (and he's my key guy in the department!), one woman who's parents are both very ill and I'm having to manage her working from home, 2 young girls who lie daily on their flexi-time sheets and the older women are now kicking off about it, 1 person taking at least 20 cigarette breaks a day and even though it's affecting his work, point blank refuses to cut them down as it's an 'addiction'! and 1 married man who came on to me (full on tried to kiss me!) on the work night out on Friday!!!!
Now if I can manage all that, why the hell can't I manage my H!!!!

Do you want to know what gave me the final motivation to end things and stop looking back. It was a strange moment. I was so relieved at finding out she wasn't pregnant. I felt like a weight had been lifted. And I started to think straight for the first time.

No only did I never ever want to go through those feelings again, and for my own sanity need to get out of this destructive nightmare. But I was lying watching ds sleep, and I realised, as much as I love this man with all my heart, he has treated me worse than anyone else has ever treated me in my whole life. Without doubt. He has repeatedly treated me like I mean absolutely nothing to him. Slut guts has come before his own wife and child. Simple.
As hard as it may be, really, that is all I need to know.

Everytime I feel myself weaken this time, I remind myself of that.
He doesn't deserve me.

That may help you two as well. xx

Hi everyone and a big welcome to LL - nice to meet you - everyone on this thread is so supportive and understanding, though we have a variety of problems with the dear (or not so dear) men in our lives. Really hope you work things through, and when it gets difficult, we're listening.

Baffy, keep going - you're doing brilliantly - can't believe what you have to deal with at work - and you STILL have energy to cope with H. I'm so glad you've found the strength to call a halt to him - and I wish you the emotional energy. I really think that eventually, you will find there's another soul mate out there for you - .

Dior - I am SO sorry that H has faltered again - good on you for letting him have it. He obviously needs to be reminded every time. But I can't help wondering - is it always going to be like this for you, and if so, do you want this? I personally couldn't do without cuddles - even though DP's libido is down, we still hold hands and have some physical contact on a day to day basis. If that stopped, I'd know we were in terminal trouble.

I had a good weekend with him in Glos. We visited the rag market in Brum for curtain material, and then drove to Malvern for the rest of the afternoon - caught the last of the good weather before the torrents started on Sunday. He acknowledged that being away from home has done him good and helped put things back in perspective - it seems that he needs to be away to keep our relationship fresh - and of course, he's happy in his work. The play opens next Sunday and then he's all over the country. I think that really suits both of us - and DD too!

I did ask him where he'd be staying when he goes to Norfolk - and he mentioned Norfolk Lady's name - but hastily said NOTHING would happen, and that he still didn't know why she behaved in such a proprietorial fashion last year as there's NOTHING going on and never was, really, all those years ago, it was just a summer fling when neither of them were seeing anyone else. I said it's simple - she still fancies him.

I shall just have to trust him - and I think I do (shaky ).

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Hi Tannee - glad at least your dh is innocent! How refreshing

Baffy - IKWYM about work. Yes my job is highly pressurised too. People management - I hate it. Still, it's all perfectly do-able so long as the support is there at home. Dh has tried to be supportive (and to be fair is currently) but it's a world away from what he does. He actually manages to go to the toilet and have lunch (not at the same time!). I don't have time for an affair let alone the inclination. He's got time to piss about on youtube and rubbish like that and time to cavort with a colleague. How bloody annoying is that!!! I knew what you meant when you said watching your ds asleep strengthened your resolve to leave your dh. The person you love the most who is supposed to protect his family shitting on you from the greatest height. It's gut wrenching stuff. Tbh it is only my h's complete remorse and resolve to do whatever it takes to prove I can trust him again (pity he can't induce amnesia) that is making me try to give it a go. That combined with the fact that he did not continue to see the OW (apart from at work where they sit next but one to eachother) It is not quite real at home though. He tiptoes around me, scared to say or do anything that might upset me. That isn't good either.

Dior - my dh did not put me down about my weight. It was in other ways e.g. sarky comments about my drinking. I called myself Ladylush as a result of that. At the time I used to drink one or two glasses of wine a night - sometimes more if socialising (it's now just at the weekend)to unwind from work. He implied I had a problem and would go on about it to my friends/family. WTF? At least I can keep my trousers on There were other scenarios too - trivial ones that he would make a big deal about. Oh and he was annoyed that I was tired a lot and had low libido for a while. No apologies offered when it emerged that I had underactive thyroid, which also may have been the reason for my m/cs. Just took advantage of renewed libido. Bastard - while he was carrying on with the OW

Hello Teabags. Haven't been on much lately - been so busy.
Welcome aboard Ladylush (great name!).
Baffy - Your colleagues sound worse than a load of kids!! No wonder you get stressed with it all.
Sorry your H is slipping back to his old ways Dior, sounds like you gave him a good kick up the backside though. Hope he can manage to stay nice this time.
Tannee - absence does make the heart grow fonder. I love DP a whole lot more when he's not here
Sorry we didn't get to meet up Macd - maybe next time. Hope the wedding goes well.
I've been to Alanon again and I'm finding it really helpful and DP is mostly behaving well. Its my birthday tomorrow and I've got the day off to spend the day with my Mum and the boys then we are going out for a meal at Strada in the evening.
TFM - hope you are OK. I'll be thinking of you on Friday x

GU - hope you have a great birthday tomorrow ! Glad DP is behaving - it bodes well for the future - sounds like he really appreciates what he's endangered.

LL and Dior - thanks - I don't think NL actually has any pride - not judging by the way she threw herself all over him last year, in front of the entire theatre foyer of people who knew he was with me - but that's her problem, not mine. I almost feel quite sorry for her, she seemed so put out when she realised I'd known him for longer than she had - there are obviously not enough middle aged men available in north Norfolk !

LL, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job - I'm not sure I could after what you've been through.

Right, off home now to put my feet up and have a drink (just one, I promise)

Hello ginnedup and Macdoodle

Tanee - I'm amazing myself tbh. Would normally be shouting at people in my situation saying wtf are you doing, get a grip girl (but in a slightly more subtle way of course!).

This woman sounds like a silly fool. Hope she makes an idiot of herself.

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hi everyone, sorry haven't been around much.

i have so much stress at work at the moment and the neighbour situation is escalating.

hope everyone okay(ish!) and really really sorry i am just being so crap at offering any support or advice to anyone right now.

GUP, have a great birthday. I love Strada, the pasta dish with gorgonzola is divine.

The next few months are going to be really tight for us. H jacked his job and won't have anything lined up till July now. Not expecting any maintenance this month.

Long term prospects are good tho so just need to get thru next couple of months.

Dior, I could sleep for a week right now. Staying in all day is probably what made you tired! My one chance of a lie-in at the hotel was ruined by kids in the room next door squealing at 6:45am. WTF are kids doing in a hotel? I didn't even know what a hotel was till I left home!!

I am such a grumpy old hag at the moment lol!

Happy Birthday GU!!! Hope you have a lovely day

PC hello my lovely grumpy old hag great to see you - will catch up in a bit.

Tanee I'm sure everything will be fine, you have no reason not to trust him where she's concerned and I wouldn't let a nutter like that even take up a minute of your thoughts. I'm glad things are going well with him.

I'm having a nightmare. But I'm going to bury my head in my work and hope it all goes away!!

Hi everyone

Having internet trouble - so am sat in DH office (in the garden) - glorified shed really .

Welcime LL - not sure how long ago your h had his affair - but i am not coming up to 2 years since my nightmare began. We are working through it still but it is sometimes a very hard slog.

Found out the other day that ow went back to her h. It made me feel funny - not sure really how i felt. Part of me (the nice bit) was glad because at least it is not another family having to go through divorce - and hopefully she has learnt her lesson for the future. But a part of me felt angry too - i still want her to be suffering and to be punished for what she did. I think i would like her to at least acknowledge my pain and offer an appology for her part in this. But i know it is too much to ask - i know i am nothing to her and she 'owes' me nothing - still it hurts.

H is struggling at work - no drive at all (and i am not inclined to boost him there either). We just both want him to leave and start again afresh - but it is a long notice to have to work (but he is managing to book lots of time off ).

McD - i promise you, you will feel better once you have seen the solicitor - they will not make you feel foolish for 'putting up' with all his crap - they have heard it all before.
I would never be scared of seeking legal advice again (well accept for the cost), and it truely was one of the best things i could have done. When i told mine that we were going to give it another go he was very sceptical and caucious - but said he would still represent me in the future. I had said there was no way i would ever have him back at the time - so i must be prize idiot really.

Happy bithday GU hope you get some sunshine.

We no longer need rain for the grass it has taken nicely but is now a bit water-logged. Now we need some lovely sunshine to help dry it out please.

Happy birthday GU. Hope you manage to have a lovely day. I like Strada too. Went to the one op Mayor's building (on Thames).

Hi everyone else - at least it's a sunny day today (well here it is anyway).

HW - rumbled the affair in Feb (day after Valentines Day). It's still quite recent I suppose. Glad you and your h are managing to get through it, though sad it is still tough after 2 years. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be really happy again.

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ok you can now all stop praying for rain - please .

LL - you will be happy again - but you need to be happy without him and the fact that he is still around is a bonus to that not the reason for your happiness - if that makes sense.
Not always easy because when you feel down it is easier to 'blame' the affair for why you are feeling down and not make it your responsibility. I think that is the main lesson i learned from all this. But i know there are days when i am not so good in practice. Hence the anger that surfaces from time to time. I am sure i would be angry or upset anyway it is just that there is now a 'reason' i can always put it down to.
I was determined not to be bitter about all this - and again it is not always easy and i do have lapses, but generally i can honestly say that MY life is better than it was before the affair.
I worry less about making him happy and instead think a lot more about me - which means i have less resentment anyway and in fact because i am happier so is he.

Hi all, just spent a fascinating day filing & archiving - all the computers were being used so it was a great excuse and will save time for awhile until it all gets mixed up again - people don't seem to know their alphabet.

LL you are in early days - HW will have loads of great advice.

GU, hope you're having a great birthday - despite the rain.

HW, I have stopped praying for rain. My garden is drooping now and DP's run starts on Sunday, so I don't want to be sitting on wet grass on the opening night! I thought it was supposed to cheer up towards the weekend ...

Dior, to be honest, I do think your H needs to grow up a little - I know he works, but so do you, plus you have a lively child to look after. Is he not capable of managing his own shirts and fixing himself (and you) some supper on occasions??? (I don't 'do' shirts - rarely even iron my own clothes, slut that I am !) I know I'm butting in a bit on this, but if he were my H, I'd have been tempted to throw the soup at him (or the iron!)

Help please ....H behaving "well" - shop taking some money so finances looking up, flat in Spain finally under rental agency - and yet again I find myself wavering ...thinking its not so bad, do I really want to rock the boat/make him shirty etc etc.....I keep reading my "essay" on his behaviour the last 2 years, telling myself I am not happy like this, I don't want him back...BUT nearly cancelled solicitor today - please teabgs lend me some strength to go through with it I cannot go on I know but it is the hardest thing

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Oi! You don't want to rock the boat? Who, pray, rocked it first? He's got some nerve if he does get shirty.

Go to your solicitor and get yourself in a position of maximum strength. Know what the process will entail, what your and his rights are, what the financial implications will be. It won't hurt him to put the frighteners on, even if he does wriggle and grumble on the hook for a while.

MCD
please do keep it - it will be so very hard and we all know this is not what you want, but you must. What would you like to tell your girls about this time?

All you are doing is going to see a solicitor not commit some awful crime, you will at least have all the information and be in a far better place to make an informed choice of what is best for you and your wonderful girls from now on. It will be then up to you if you ever want to put the brakes on or speed up the process - you will finally be in control. That is the only reason he will get shirty -because he will have lost a bit of the control over the situation, please remember that.
He has had every chance to turn this around if that is what he truely truely wanted.

Please please keep the appointment - we are all here for you - i wish i could come and hold your hand. Have you got anyone who could go with you?
Call or email if you want to chat more.

You know you are doing the right thing - its just a bit scary and unknown.

McD - can understand how scary it is going to see a solicitor. When I found out about dh affair it was on my mind constantly to see a solicitor and it was a very scary thought. Almost as if there was then no turning back. Though sometimes there is turning back as HW has shown.

HW and Tanee - thanks for advice. HW you are right. I read something on another thread which made me think. A poster said to the op, you are sad because you want your old life back. You will never get your old life back. It has changed forever. It can be better, but it will never be the same. I think I still want my old life back I have to find a way to say goodbye to it. Had an awful dream last night that he was with her (graphic image). Woke up sweating, went back to sleep and the dream continued. Not good!

On the plus side, went for an interview yesterday and was offered the job

Dior - imo your h is being unreasonable. He can surely iron his own shirt and reheat some soup. You are not his maid.You said you were worried that you were feeling so tired -if this is not just a one off perhaps you should get it checked out? I felt tired all the time. My iron levels were fine but my thyroid was underactive. Now on Thyroxine and feels so much better. Getting slimmer too though that is probably more the gym - but without Thyroxine I wouldn't have the energy to go. Depression can also make you tired.

I feel a bit crass coming on here so late in the thread as I don't know your history. Don't want to put my foot in it or offend anyone.

LL Be kind to yourself, you are grieving for the life you thought you were having and it does take some adjusting.

It can be better - believe me and once you take control of your own happiness it will be. It is hard and as i say i do have lapses but it is worth it.

Make sure you feel worth your life and that it is not your h's to make you feel good or bad about it. You cannot change what has happened and you need to acknowledge that - this is not your fault but it is a terrible thing to happen and you are allowed to feel sad about it - there will come a time hopefully soon when you will be able to see it as 'just an incident' in your otherwise lovely life. I am almost there .

One of the best things to come from all this is the fact that i have met some fantastic new friends on here - and have met some in real life. It was something that if you had said to me 3 years ago i would be doing i would have laughed and said ' i am not some saddo who only has virtual friends . But look at me now - a whole new set of friends.

Take it day by day and you will soon see some improvement - you are probably being too hard on yourself and not giving yourself credit for how far you have come already.

Horrid about the dreams though - i am not sure anything can stop them - i had a nightmare about someone i went to school with and no idea why they popped into my dreams at all.