Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

and if it turns out to be a spanner again - and you are ever to work it out you both need to make sure she is completly out of your life from then on.

If you were to move away - do you think h would follow you?

I still cant understand why she is still so angry with you (surely even she knows by now that you are much better than her - she just needs to get over it!!)
Is that not what she wanted all along? surely she should be happy - and like i tell my children if you are happy then you do not need to shout about it but share it with those who matter to you.
Something is not right here at all.

I know DP is being silly about this - but that seems to be the place he's in. I did check the local estate agents this morning on the web, and there's no WAY we could both afford flats locally - unless we moved to a grotty guns n drugs part of town or he returned to the poorest part of Cardiff. I dreamed he was packing his clothes while I napped - he put on some music but has disappeared now.

We certainly could make him space - our intention - I thought - was to set up TV and music in the bedroom, and we could certainly fit a comfy chair in there. And we could get a lodger to cover his share of the mortgage. I just don't know if he's open at the moment. I've tried telling him that other men feel the same - my BIL used to sit on the stairs with the paper, whilst his kids were watching TV, snorting 'Who's house is it anyway', before he and my sis built their extension with extra TV room and a snug for him. We can't afford that, but we can certainly organise a space for him - or I shall investigate the cost of putting a TV connection into DD's room. And I have already told him we only have 2 years before she'll be away to uni - but really, I think he needs to talk to someone outside. He seems to feel he's going mad with this pressure. How long does it normally take to get a Relate appointment?

Dior, I would LOVE to spend a day with you - I was thinking just that this morning, knowing you are now working from home. I'm free on Tuesdays and Fridays - except this week - how are you fixed next week?

Baffy, please be very, very careful. I wouldn't be surprised if OW is up to some other game - is H SURE she did the test in front of him? could she have faked it? I just wouldn't put anything past her.

TFM I think you're spot on with DP. He's never had kids, or a long live in relationship, or this level of financial committment. He's running scared. I think, if he insists on getting an agent in, I will agree, just so we can see what an agent says to the possibility of us getting a two bed flat with garden and a one bed without, in North London, for £350K, which is what a house across the road is up for. And how long it's likely to take to sell!

Baffy you will get through this with or without him as McD has done, she will know more than anyone where you are at now and you should take some comfort from her more recent posts.

Regardless of ow/h this is about you and ds. Your little boy needs you now more than ever. No more talk of 'being dead'. He has just screwed up what little hope you had left in him as far as i can see so i would go back to were you were when you posted them papers. Contact the police about ow and stay away from h. Don't get caught up in their ridiculous little game and don't let them see what they have done to you. When you come to terms with this you will need to decide what to do, fwiw i do think it's a definate pg this time. She thinks she has finally won, got what she wants and i fear this will be the wake up call for h as another family was definately not what he wanted (shame he didn't care enough to stop that though). I honestly believe this will make h turn to you as he always has when it's got tough as he will need you now. Please have the strength to say 'no' and force him to deal with this himself. By stepping away he will finally see what a complete mess he is in and this time 'good old Baffy' won't be there to pick up the pieces !
You need to decide what's right for you and ds.

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Tanee, I have learnt from experience not to pander to P too much. Being a typical man your DP has come up with the idea, thrown a few sentences out of his hurtful and thoughtless mouth and there you are, laying awake all night and then checking out the estate agents, coming up with ideas to make him feel comfortable. Tanee, if ever there was a time to think of yourself and dd this is it! If he wants to separate then let him do the leg work, let him do the phonecalls and the maths. Don't make this easy for him, don't pander to him, this will only make his victim status worse, he will feel he is justified in his hurtful actions.

If I were you I would take a huge step back for a while, try not to spend too much time around him, give him the space to come to you. Don't pander to him!!

Tanee i agree with TFM (when does anyone not ?).

When he next brings it up - dont pander to him but instead 'right onto straight away - i'll phone the estate agents in the morning then'. My bet is he will then be thrown off course and back down. He just needs to feel needed and is not very good a asking for your attention in an adult way.
Please dont let him make you feel this is your fault - all relationships take 2 to work, and that should be equally.

Thank you everyone. I am reading. It's just all a bit of a blur at the moment and I can't process my thoughts.

Thank you so so much though. xx

(p.s. Dior - not harsh at all. It all helps xx)

Dior - yes, I am free Friday 4 July - I could come up to you mid morning maybe and we could do lunch? Then you could pick up ds and I could head home to dd. That would be wonderful. Perhaps you could FB me details - I shall leave my phone no. on FB for you.

TFM & HW thank you! I went for a walk round the park after dropping off DD and it was lovely - funny to think I was there in pitch darkness last night (once was a time when DP and I would have taken advantage of the solitude...) You're right, I am not going to do anything to help him separate what could be a fantastic home. I did a lot of the donkey work when we were selling, because he was on tour - even liaised with his agents and solicitor on the sale of his flat - and I don't want that stress again. I do think deep down, he probably doesn't want this - he'll wind up back at his mum's at this rate and she'll not be impressed that he's messed us up. He's just gone into a blind funk re money and shared space and sees this as the only way to preserve our relationship - take it back to our dating days bombing up and down the M4 every week. Frankly, I can't afford the petrol and it would never be the same. We have to move forward, not back.

I gave DD a big hug and told her she's being amazingly adult about this all - and he's being an immature twat. She agreed totally. He's undone the work of 5 years building a relationship with her and she really doesn't want him round the house any more than he wants to be here. TFM, what you said about him feeling bad about himself and pulling the house down around him is, I think, spot on. When I first met him, 20 years ago, his parents had recently separated and he really didn't think any relationships could last - and we have lasted longer than any previous ones. Hence he never moved in with anyone but once - and that lasted 3 months and they never spoke again. He's finding all this just too hard, poor baby, and the only solution he can think of is, to walk away - never mind how it affects me and DD.

I have also contacted Relate - they could do us an initial consultation this week - and it would be money well spent - I really think we need to talk this through with a third party - maybe he/she could open DP to some other options than selling up and suggest a different perspective for him? Of course, like most women, I got straight onto my lovely Teabags for support and advice. Oh, how I wish men would do the same!

So - when he comes home from wherever he's gone, wish me luck with persuading him to come to Relate tomorrow.

Baffy - BIG hug for you. Take your time - and I think the others are right - you need to leave him to it/her for now. Don't offer to bale him out (like I need that advice myself!). Let him sort out his own mess - he made it in the first place by not using the most basic contraception - let him sort it out - then, and only then, is there any possibility of a future for you together. And if not - you are such a lovely person, you have a lovely son and you are still young - there WILL be someone else.

Tanee - i think relate is great if you get the right one. I just wish people would all be more open and not think others are interfering there would be less need for them imo.

Baffy we are here when you need us

evening all, i haven't really caught up as very tired and still got heaps to do.

got the van, it's a complete beast to drive but i will manage.

restrained myself around H's parents, actually was quite nice to see them and dd was really sweet with them.

hope they can appreciate what they are missing.

h didn't go for surgery till nearly 5pm and now he will be in hospital another few days so the whole family week is lost.

somewhat ashamed to say that i have lost it again with H. pointed out that maybe both dd and me wouldn't have been so disappointed if he actually saw dd more frequently.

tbh, we will go and i will do my best to have a good time but i know i will feel veyr very lonely and tired because once again it has all fallen to me.

and i know it's not his fault but i've just had enough.

sorry, hope everyone else okya

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PC really sorry can understand why you have gone off at h!
You are right if he was around enough then you would be dissapointed but would accept it's not his fault but this is just completely typical. Is there any way you can re arrange another family holiday ?
I know it's not what you hoped an doing it solo isn't a 'holiday' for you just every day life it must be so dissapointing as dd can't stay up late/share bottle wine etc but there isn't anything you can do now so chin up.
You will have a nice hol and dd will be very proud of you and remember that holiday when my mum took me in the camper van forever i'm sure.
Have a lovely time, drive safely and stick two fingers up at it all, you need a break so have one !

(Can you not get Baffy on the way)

PC I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I am so proud of you though!! You are not letting H or anything else get in the way of 'family time' you and that gorgeous dd of yours will have a fantastic time. You just concentrate your efforts on her, she is the light of your life, the consistent one and the one who loves you unconditionally. You won't be lonely whilever you are with DD. ( plus, you spent a lot of time being lonely even when you were with H)

You are an amazing mum!! Have a brilliant holiday! We will be thinking of you xxx

Baffy, Tanee, UC, Thinking of you all too and hope things are looking a little brighter and more positve for you today. xxx

Lots of love to everyone else. Have a lovely day xxx

Well we're off this morning. God alone knows how we will get on or how far we will get.

Am quite petrified really.

Drove the van home yesterday and had a baptism of fire around the M25.

Wish us luck and it's been great knowing you all if we don't make it back!!!

thanks TFM, i'll keep you posted by text.

Good Luck PC! You will be fine, I have every confidence in you! Have a super holiday! xxx

Hmm Baffy I have been thinking about SGs timing...will FB you.

Trying to limit my time on here today so give me a slap if im about too much

PC you will do fine - I always get myself in a panic if I have to do a new or difficult journey but actually find it goes better than when I feel really confident. After 15 minutes of driving you wont even give it another thought - I was like that when I got the new car - still get the lights and the windscreen wipers confused sometimes though

PC - have a great time. Good for you going on your own - you'll have a fab time and the weather is gorgeous. Any chance you could come via Kent and whisk me away with you??
Hope everyone has a good day today.

Good luck PC

Baffy hope your ok ?

Am having a housework day today so am hoping not to be around too much

Hi guys

Thanks so much for the thoughts.

PC I hope you manage to have a lovely time. I think your H deserves whatever you thow at him.

I had a total meltdown last night. I'm not eating or sleeping. I actually know I can't do this.

It's shit shit timing but H and I had taken this Thursday off work to take ds to see a show he's been on about for months.
Her scan is on Thursday!

My life is ruled by HER. It has to stop. Just the thought of them going to the scan. Going shopping to get all the baby things. Him at the birth. That's just for starters. I can't sit back and watch this.

How will a 20 year old unstable single mum cope?! Answer is, she won't!

She will need H 24 hours a day. I guarantee it. And what's he going to do. Tell her to get lost and deal with it? Or realise it's just as much his child as ds is, and if he has to be there round the clock to support his baby then he will. Of course he'll jump when she says jump. He'll want the best for the child. And to ensure that happens he'll need to be around. He knows she can't cope.

It will be the affair all over again. The times when he was unsure. I'd be calm, strong, dignified and give him space.
She'd scream and shout. Threaten him. Turn up at his place at all hours drink driving in her underwear.
And who would get his time and attention? Who would end up in his bed?

The loyal strong wife who could cope?! erm.. nope!

It will be EXACTLY the same. But his heart strings will be pulled (and blackmailed) by her using his child too. I know it.

Not to mention who will fund it all?! Will it be H who's working 2 jobs and still can't make ends meet? Or the 20 year old who has no home, no money, and keeps getting sacked from her jobs?!
We all know who would be paying financially for H's actions for the next 20 years. And it won't be him will it!

I can't do it. I just can't do it.

They've ruled my life for 2 years. That was bad enough. She's not ruling the next 20.

The divorce is going through. My mind is made up.

And I had the awfully difficult conversation with my mum this morning too, about me and ds moving out. My god was that hard

I need a fresh start and a new life though. One that revolves around ME.

She was amazing about it. It means she has to sell the home she loves. I know she's devastated. But she put on a smile and she said she understood.
She also said she knew deep down I was only waiting here for H and I to sort things out. So she can fully see now why I need to do this.

So lets hope there really may be some positives coming out of this...

I truly hated myself last night. I collapsed in front of ds. I fainted, probably through lack of food. And I woke up with ds lying on top of me, sobbing his heart out and saying sorry mummy.
He thought he'd done something wrong.
Never again will I put my baby through that. Enough is enough.

Thank you all for being there xxxxxx

WW I've replied to your facebook message - thank you. You have a good point.

I'm also getting texts off H now saying he wants nothing more than me and ds and to tell him what he needs to do so he can put this right and be with us...

Oh Baffy keep strong you can get through this - I was were you are 18 months ago and I remember curled up on DD1's bed sobbing uncontrollably while she sat looking terrified stroking my hair - I am so sorry for everything I put her through and what she saw but she is fine and strong and happy and we have a lovely bond - I tell her every day how important to me she is and my little rock
I had all the same thoughts that you are having and to be completely honest a lot of it is right - though I think she is coping better than I expected - I have just detached completely and utterly from that side of it - it is not my problem my child my life - I concentrate on ME, my children, my life and MY relationship with H - and I will decide what I want and when I want it but it was very very hard x