Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Sorry for long gap in reply (commuting, counselling session, game of Solitaire, the time soon goes!) It is not necessary for both parties to sign the Statement of Arrangement when you first send in the petition, though obviously it's simpler if he does. Mine signed it, but then I think regretted it as it gave me the primary care role, so he refused to sign the decree nisi. Six months later we were entitled to apply again, and I revised the statement of arrangement to give us 50-50, which is actually what I'd wanted in the first place. This time the court put it through without a quibble. XH had been a more-or-less SAHD, at least he spent more time than I did with DS4 including taking him to school, so he had not only the right but the inclination to continue caring for him at least half the time (not that he did it very well, eg he has never bathed him in his life and has a tendency to feed him at 11pm even if it means waking him up). You've been the primary carer, you'll get primary care rights through the court, no problem. Just send those papers and let him explain to the court why he won't sign. He won't do it for you because he still thinks of you as his personal doormat (hence the calls in the small hours, to ask for sympathy from his deserted wife because his lover is so annoying he HAD to beat her up... planet what? If you weren't there he'd have to pay a counsellor to listen).

HW completely agree stressful situations do aggravate things. I have felt it more with dp getting new job and loosing his buisness.
Can i just ask and feel free not to answer if you feeling 'wobbly' do you speak to h or not ? I just sometimes feel like i have agreed to move on and don't know if bringing it back up will make me feel worse not better. And i know he would rather do anything than talk about it.

Thanks Annie. Your posts always make me smile.
"hence the calls in the small hours, to ask for sympathy from his deserted wife because his lover is so annoying he HAD to beat her up"

And it's really good to hear that advice. I assumed if he signed the arrangements over ds then that was it, and he was bound by it. But I never realised he could just refuse to sign the decree nisi anyway, which he probably would. So I might as well just get on with it and then he'll understand how serious I am and we can fight come to an amicable agreement over the details at a later date!

Macd thanks for that too. I can't believe how similar our situations are sometimes! You sound like you're coping really well.

Know what you all mean about other threads being too close to the bone. I really do have to be in the right frame of mind to read and post on them. Sometimes I just wants to rant and rave about OW, morals, not being taken for a mug etc!
I have to keep finding my sensible head, to realise that even if on the surface it seems you understand, every situation is so so different. And really, you only ever learn from your own experience and no matter what people advise you, you have to live through it your own way and find the answers that suit you.

lily I know from my limited experience that the absolute last thing in the world H wants to do is actually discuss what's happened and the fallout from it in a grown up way. they do not want to be reminded how much of a bad person they've been, or re-live the feelings of guilt/remorse/shame... easier to bury their heads!
I would say, that perhaps you need to say to him that from time to time, you still struggle and although you realise how difficult it is for him, you may now and again need to put some time aside to discuss your feelings. And you need him to help you through with them.
I know it's hard. But why should you deal with it all in your own head and bottle things up for him? He was man enough to sleep with another woman. So he needs to be man enough to live with the consequences.
This isn't about him. It's about you. You need to do what gets you through it. You've suffered enough. Don't suffer in silence xx

I had a major strop tonight! In ds's room at H's place were some photos of the 3 of us when ds was born. They've been there since the day he moved in. I picked ds up tonight and he was playing in his room, I went in and photos were gone. In their place was a teddy that slut guts made for him for his 30th!! The day we were back together and out celebrating. He'd sneaked off to get his present from her! And the teddy!
I waited for ds to go out the room and virtually threw it at his head! If it would have been a hard object I'd have made sure my aim was spot on!!

H is absolutly fantastic - we both discuss it a lot at times - i know he talks to others about it too, so i know for him it is not just 'fogotten'.
We have friends who have gone through similar too and so it is so very hard to avoid.
We do not go to counselling as much any more just when we feel we need to - in fact we are hoping to book another session soon just to make sure we are still on track.

So although he is not 'happy' to talk about it he also never stops me and is very good at picking up the signs. He will come over and hug me for instance if there is something sensitive on the TV. Her name sometimes causes a bit of a problem but we do try and have a joke about it. My DD will often call her dolly her name (and also DD has the same birthday ).

He has had to have some contact with her at work and she has made sure of that too - he now says he hates it so sometimes it is me comforting him too.

Most of the time we are a team and dont often both get down about it at the same time. Him coming to counselling has also helped as he can 'remind' me of how i can best cope.

Hi everyone

Not around much today as meeting an old friend for a catch up and we can both talk loads too .

Anyone heard from ernest - she must be about to pop by now?

Nope haven't heard from Ernest at all. Hope she's ok.

Have a good time with your friend today HW

HW, that's great news about H - you and he will be able to smile on all this one day.

Baffy, I've given up trying to understand why he won't sign - maybe the others are right, and he has some financial incentive - or maybe it's just some part of his sad, messed up mind. Hope you find a solicitor who's better able to guide you through this. A good one shouldn't cost you the earth or make things nasty. Mine was great (mind you, we didn't have any money to fight over, to speak of, and exh was very gentlemanly about how we divided our assets - though I get precious little out of him now, despite the fact that he's probably not completely broke since his father died and must have left him something).

Oh, and judging by events, there is NO WAY you would lose DS - no court would grant him custody under the circumstances.

Thanks Tanee.

I'm a real mess today. It's sunk in that it really is over and he's just not the man I thought he was. I have the papers completed, without his signature, and ready to post. I just need to find that final bit of strength to push then into the letterbox! I walked there at lunch time and I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart was pounding.

I couldn't do it.

I've walked around aimlessly for hours just trying to get the strength to do what my head tells me to do. For some reason my heart just won't let go.

I'm back in work now trying to make up some time and all I'm doing is staring at the screen. I can't focus.

I know I need to sort myself out. I know that there is no choice and the things he's done to me are beyond forgiveness. Even beyond my limits!

I can't eat or sleep though. I thought I felt all the hurt and pain when I found out about his affair. But my god this hurts like hell.

Just one more thing before I go and try to pull myself together for ds.

I need to thank you all for being by my side through this horrendous journey. 18 months of rollercoaster emotions and lies. Heartache. Devastation. And you've all been there every step of the way.

I'm sorry for going on. I promise I will get stronger and I will do what I need to do and stop boring you all with this nightmare.

Thank you though. From the bottom of my heart xx

Oh Baffy - Don't push yourself, do it in your own time, you are under so much stress at the moment and its all credit to you that even after all this you still feel something for him which is preventing you from taking that last step towards the end. I guess what I mean is, keep the letter in your bag and just wait until you pass a postbox and feel ready to put it in.
((Hugs))

Baffy completely agree with gup do it when you are ready , i am sure it won't be too long before he does something that has you running to the nearest post box!

Hw wow that sounds great and completely different to how things are here. You are doing so well keeping communicating as this was somehting we and am sure most feel is what pushed things in that direction. We only did two counselling sessions and i guess things aren't as prominent as he doesn't see her anymore however now he is starting a new job i guess the feelings are resurfacing again. When he had his buisness i guess i knew there was only him and it was just down the road. Now it's a big company not far from where he was working with her.
Baffy you are right it is about me and not him i do need to talk it through with him when i have a 'wobble'. Thanks.

oh Baffy me too I feel the same and just don't know what I did wrong sorry crying now be back later {{{{hugs}}}}

Baffy, Lily, McD - big hugs to all of you - Baffy, take your time - YOU are the better person in all this, you've shown such committment to him & to your marriage - of course it hurts to let it go. He and OW will do something stupid again and you will then be ready to post that letter. Good advice to keep it in your bag until you are ready.

HW - the forecast is for rain for the weekend - I'll comfort myself by thinking about your turf. I want some sunshine as I head off to Glos, but never mind .

I'll be in London next Tuesday, in case anyone's free to meet. I can get out of town fairly easily, if it's in a northerly direction...

Hey, Baffy, Macdoodle, neither of you did anything wrong. That is, you can no doubt point to things you could have done better, but you're human, you're allowed not to be perfect all the time. It sounds from here as if you did as well as any human being could do, and you can't really expect more of yourselves than that, can you?

I tell you what else (and any proper solicitor should tell you this): sending the papers to the court isn't the last word. If you don't keep pushing this divorce thing along it won't happen, you know. There are lots of stopping points where you can say "no, I don't think I want to do the next bit". There is time built in during which they will encourage you to seek mediation. And ultimately, if you do go all the way to decree absolute, only to find the aliens have decided to return your real husband - well, you could always remarry...

I'm butting in here A LOT, unlike my usual lurk-post-run style, because I've just been through this - not the affair, I don't think anyone would touch the nasty creature, but an H who made himself unbearable and wouldn't go. I picked a reasonably priced solicitor who specialised in family law and it went pretty smoothly, despite me having a nervous breakdown part-way through and being a terrible procrastinator at the best of times. Right now, I assure you, that envelope is only an Awful Warning. And by golly do those blokes deserve one of those.

Message withdrawn

Annie think Baffy and Mcd need your advice as they both are so scared that doing this is final and if it makes it easier to know that's not the case then that may help them along their path.
You are both amazing , strong and beautiful women and fantastic mothers neither of you deserve this but sadly life doesn't dish things out to them that deserve it.
I hope you can both hold each others hand along with us to get each other through this.
Tannee the virtual hugs are always better for me as i am not a rl hugger

Baffy McD

Posting those papers is not final as Annie said, but it is statement to them that they cannot treat you like this any longer.

I suspect if anything it will actually help them too - to finally see what wonderful in control woman you really are - it may not make them change their route to utter destruction but it will be a point they can look back on and realise what massiive twits they were.

Are you afraid that it will be the final straw for them and that you are 'pushing' them away? Because you both want to say you have done absolutely everything to save your marriage and your men. You have done everything you can now and it is still not final - never say never.

You both need to end this relationship - and only then can a new one begin. If that does happen as Annie said you can always re-marry and get the bonus of all those gifts .
Just remember to invite us all .

We are here for you - you are strong wonderful woman and by doing this you will be sending just that message to them and the ow.

Thank you all. It really helps so much.

Annie you're a life saver at the moment thank you so much for your help. It means the world to me right now, I really can't think straight.

And thank you PC and TFM for the messages too

Message withdrawn

Thank you Dior

Found out - she's not pregnant. Have cried non stop with relief.

Don't know why, but that has also given me the incentive (along with all of your advice and Annie's great posts) to walk away from the whole mess.

I have just posted the forms.

Well done baffy - you can now start to step out of that episode of soap opera and now start a new hopefully happier episode.

Dont be cross with youself for feeling like you do - i didnt get anywhere near this so have no idea what you should be feeling - but i imagine it is normal.

My friend who did this about 6 months ago though says she is now much calmer and she is now actually getting on with her soon to be exh much better.
She also has a new man and we are going to meet him in a couple of weeks time.
We will get you there x

Well done Baffy!

Baffy, well done you! And what a relief that some poor little soul isn't on its way to her tender care!

As the others have said, this is not the final step -even the decree absolute isn't final - just look at the Burtons! But this will help you to feel - and show them - that you are in control.

Oh baffy I know you really didnt want it to come to this but its not like you jumped into the decision is it?

You cant carry on in this state of limbo forever - either you will have closure with him and it will leave you free to live your life with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve or it will bring him to his senses and he will realise what he is throwing away (tbh im not sure he deserves you though...but then we have a one dimensional image of him dont we)

Either way you have taken control and that can only be a good thing.