Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

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Dior - i meant to ask how it was going? I do understand about your weight but you are sitll fantastic to me.

Baffy wrt to the soap opera i often wonder if we should certainly make something of all these wonderful stories.

Baffy, my God - you've trumped DPs' lot again! I am so sorry for that baby - if there is one - what a mother for it to acquire. Honestly, the texting and phoning at 2am certainly sounds like my weekend guests - they do the same thing to DP and his mother in the middle of their fights. His mother once called the police on them and BIL spent the night in the cells.

You are doing absolutely the right thing in getting him to sign those papers. They need to sort themselves out without dragging you into it.

But I am so sorry that you've had to reach this conclusion. I totally understand how hard it must be to realise that the man you've loved and supported for half your life, doesn't exist any more - and it's his loss.

Dior - sorry things are not great there - I don't understand your H - you are such a Lovely Person (ditto Baffy) - I look at the two of you and wonder why any men would treat you the way your H's have.

HW - I agree there's a book in our stories somewhere - maybe I should start writing that novel now! At least we'd get some royalties out of the plonkerness of our men .

Baffy i hope he is signing them papers as i type this.
I am also glad that you know you can't help him. He is determined to ruin his life and sad as it sounds there isn't anything anyone can do.
TBH i wouldn't even answer the calls in future you don't owe either of them anything and they deserve to be left to deal with their own mess. You are really doing the right thing i hope he feels thoroughly ashamed when you go round with your parents tonight!
As for the pg we have heard that before haven't we!

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Aaagh Baffy what a twunt 2am bloody hell - TBh why did you spend 2 hrs on phone to him you shoulda let him jump
OW sounds like my H OW desperate and telling him she will get PG on purpose doesn't seem to matter they just don't get it Idiots all of them
Well H did his usual about turn today (he had LO while I went dress shopping for wedding)...all sorry and begging for forgiveness he will try harder he will help he can change blah blah blah heard it all before - asked him to come round one morning so we can talk properly and am going ahead with solicitors appt ....

Dior -sorry you seem to be back where you were before. If there is anything I can do please do ask.

McD - remember how strong you felt with a bit of control - please do keep the soliciors appointment - it really was the best thing i ever did as it stopped me ever being afraid of it again.

Baffy - I hope he did sign the papers too. You will then be able to control your life a bit better, i also agree that you should not have to take his calls at such hours - he does it because he knows he can ifswim.

As for me - I have had a lot of the old feelings of anger come back recently - and to make it worse there is someone at DHs work in a similar position (him same level as h and having an affair ). There is a new person in HR and they have sacked her on the spot and are 'thinking' about what to do wrt to him . There is now going to be a policy made - about bloody time too. I think it just makes me so cross that they do it now but not for ow .

Also a slow on getting on with h departure - the boss wants to handle it with care (think he is worried he will get flack because he actually promoted ow - and i still do believe if the truth be known the vote would be for her to go and not h). I just want it done now and to move on.
My head says it is for the best because actually h will come out of this looking good - but there is an evil little voice telling me to make sure she has a hard time of it too. And that makes me feel cross with myself for even letting it worry me and for actually not being a very nice person to wish such things.

I still dont think they have deleted all the emails between the pair even though i said it would be a good idea over a year ago . Apparently no-one will be interested in them anyway - well i feel like saying if that is the case then once h has gone i will send them to some of her collegues. See i am evil arent i . I feel my feelings have been totally ignored and what i feel about it doesnt matter one jot. Which is probably true anyway.
Also just keep thinking about the wife of this new case at work and wish there was something i could do - i did offer that if it happened again i would be willing to help but again they probably think that is a silly idea - what do i know about anything anyway.

Sorry feeling sorry for myself again - but the rant does help somewhat so thanks for reading.

On a brighter note - garden is looking fantastic and should be finished soon - i have a lovely new lawn (only for looking at for a couple of weeks - but it does look great). Hope you are all still praying for that overnight rain for me .

Morning ladies

He didn't sign! Point blank refused to. It's not what he wants!!
Short of actually physically forcing him to do it there really was not much more we could do.

My parents were literally lost for words. 'He's just not on this planet' was uttered many times!

Totally agree that I shouldn't be answering to them. And if it's an unknown number and I answer without realising, just put the phone down.
Thing is though, H lies SO much that I have always spoken to her because it really is the only time I find out (a version) of the truth. Neither of their stories ever match. But if taken with a pinch of salt, I can get the general gist of what's happening and not feel so in the dark.

But this is why I need to divorce him. Because I don't want to care about all this stuff anymore. They are literally killing each other. And I'd like to leave them to do it! As his wife though I have a need to know and a need to understand what the hell is going on behind my back. I hope you can understand that.
So I want to stop being his wife and move on for good.

Macd trust me - I was tempted to let him jump!
OW did her usual 'I'm going to throw myself off a motorway bridge' at 5am that morning too. I told H just to let her do it. Or if she needs a push to give me a shout!

Anyway, thanks lily I know we've heard it all before about the pregnancy. I hope that's the case. Either way though I will never ever forgive him for taking those risks.

(There is a massive long story which I'm not sure I've told you but my dad had an affair when my mum was pregnant with me, I have a brother 6 months younger than me, we only met 2 years ago. And me and my mum are having major trauma at dredging up the past and having to face my dad's OW. I love my brother and he is totally innocent in it all. My mum is great with him too. I feel devastated that we've missed 28 years of each other's lives. But him and SIL have recently had a baby and she is being christened this week - and I will have to face my dad's OW properly. The woman who wrecked my mum's life and changed my childhood beyond all recognition I'm going to be civil and polite. For my brother's sake. But all I want to do is tell her exactly what I think of her - she got pregnant on purpose to try and keep my dad! It will take every ounce of strength I have to face this woman. The nights I sat and cuddled my mum while she cried herself to sleep over what my dad and her had done. That will never leave me.)

H knows all of this. Every last detail. He's lived through it all with me since I was 15 and found out my brother existed.

Now he's done it to me! Exactly the same thing!

And what I will never ever forgive is that he is now potentially going to put our son through the same thing!

30 years on from my dad's affair and me and my mum are still dealing with the fallout.
And H is prepared to do that to our son without a second thought. That is a conscious decision to put sex with her above mine and ds's future. I can forgive him for everything. The affair. The way he's treated me. But never for that.

I do go on don't I!

Dior I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. I hate the way he makes you feel. You are absolutely beautiful and I wish with all my heart you had a partner who made sure you heard those words every single day

HW what a nightmare. I'm not surprised you're so angry with the way this new case is being dealt with compared to how she was almost rewarded for being such an immorral sl*pper! Again, it's the reprocussions of these affairs that last for so long, and cause so much heartache.
Don't be hard on yourself for wishing her a bad time. I'd be more worried if you didn't have those thoughts every now and again! She almost destroyed your life. And appeared to walk away with no reprocussions and a promotion! Whilst your H had to take 6 months off and now needs to find a new job!
It's totally natural that you feel that way. I would be exactly the same. I am exactly the same!

As for 'what do you know'... well a damn sight more than most people when it comes to affairs and relationships! It's wonderful that you have made that offer to help. You know exactly what that poor woman will go through if when she finds out. Your advice and support could be invaluable in that situation. I've seen it many times on here! So don't put yourself down.

macd totally agree don't back down on the solicitors appointment. It will give you some control back. It's good that you are talking though. If he wants to change, my advice to you would be to continue down your current path, and let him prove it. You owe him nothing. Keep taking those steps forward. He'll either rise to the challenge, or let you down again. But don't let him throw you off course with a few cheap words. We've heard it all before

Baffy
H has got another job and even though neither of us dared even dream it - it looks as if it is more money .

Current work are reluctent to announce his departure yet as it really will have huge impact on business (and that is not just me being big headed here you understand). The boss knows he should have 'sacked' her and that will probably now be called for but that is not what we want now (well i do but i also know we will look so much better in the end). His boss is understandly fuming as it will make him look bad - and there is nothing he can do really as H already has offer and it is for a firm where H could ultermatly take bussiness away from current firm . There is a lot of gritted teeth from all accounts - those that do know are holding their breath and ow (who does know - is staying well away as she must know she is in for a rough ride). So its still watch this space.

This is going to be some great new soap opera soon.

I would love to help the wife but of course men think they know how to handle it so probably wont give her my details .
They also havent thought that the ow may of course still kick up a fuss as my ow was in fact promoted and not sacked. God what a mess.

I am with you baffy that the re-precussions just never end and the stupid men just seem to carry on even when they know what a mess it all is.

Hs Dad did something similar and married ow - I have made it quite clear i have zero respect for her (its got easier as i have got older to voice my opions though), and it was all brushed under the carpet - the subsequent children i am sure do know but would never dare ask.

What are you going to do know wrt papers are you going to get a solicitor to send him a letter - there is something you can do i am sure. Good luck.

HW that is fabulous news about H's new job. I bet the firm will be devastated. They're losing a great member of staff, and the potential business he'll take with him. All for sticking by the OW!

You're right she will have a bloody rough time coming up. The expectations on her will be massive. Not only to be better than H at the job to make up for losing him (which she could never be) but also to retain business and get new business etc. The pressure will be on!
And really, you don't need to know much more than that. What goes around comes around and all that... she's about to see the full effect of that!

You and H can walk away with your heads held high - and with a little smile too!

I'm not sure where to go now with H. I want him to sign as things are. We've agreed on access to ds, maintenance, how that will be reviewed going forward. Neither of us wants to make a claim for anything financially from the other one. Just a clean break. I am so reluctant to get solicitors involved as I know for a fact all that will change and it will end up getting nasty and bitter.

I'm going to plead to his better nature Rather than try and force anything, I think I am going to try to make him understand why I need this and how unfair he is being to me and ds by trying to string me along whilst his girlfriend is on the scene. I actually feel like I'm the OW right now. In my own marriage!

I know he has empathy left. And guilt. I broke down when he had a go at me about his access to ds saying he doesn't see him enough! What does he expect - me to send my baby off into his and her explosive relationship while I sit at home alone! He did then apologise for that comment and understand that he's actually getting a pretty easy ride considering what he's done.

I've made a promise that I'll never deny him access to his son. Which I never ever would. But we need to do this amicably and agree on it all. The minute a court starts calling the shots it will all fall apart and get nasty. I don't want that for my son

It will all work out in the end

Oh Bafy - you are the ow (what comes around...) and that is why she is hating it so much she knows what a liar he is.

Actually she is not getting his job - there is going to be 3 (yes 3) taking it over!! Thats just how good he is - but thats because he can work all the bloody hours and have me to 'look after' him. . She said a while ago that she didnt want to work with him anymore so once again they bent over backwards for her and found her a new position. (she will be kicking herself now - or throwing another paddy to try and get part of his job for herself) And i really dont care. (much).

When he first said he wanted to leave i think they thought he was just stamping his foot and wanting them to sack her (he is not like that and does not do bluffing), Now of course there is nothing they can offer to make him stay.

Once he's out of there you'll never have to give her, or that place, another thought. You're through the worst. This is payback time. And it's all taking it's natural course. You should be so proud of how you've both dealt with this. You'll definitely have the last laugh here!

Yes I guess I am the OW. With none of the bloody benefits though!! I just get all the crap parts and the hassle. None of the excitement or sex! She hates me even being in his company though.
And tbh, I'd never want to 'go there' again, god knows what he's caught from her!!

Thats what i am hoping baffy but his does have a long notice period and i just want it to happen soon. I also feel sad because he really did love his job and worked so hard too. But at least i will be able to support him in his new job without feeling in anyway tainted. I am actually so proud of the way he has done this too.

no consolation for what you have lost i know but at least you know she has not 'gained' that wonderful man in anyway, just make sure that when you are feeling at a low ebb you make her feel it too by having contact with him. (wiked i know but only human ).

Thanks for listening today.

Oh don't you worry. If he is set on a future with her, aside from the fact they'll kill each other without my help, I know how badly she suffers from the green eyed monster and after what she's put me through, she won't be getting away lightly!

If I'm so inclined I could really have some fun with that! I bet I'll just be that relieved to be rid of the 2 of them that I'll leave them to destroy each other all by themselves!!

btw he has worked so hard and that has enabled him to have this choice to move on. it's all good. when one door closes and all that...

Excuse an occasional lurker from butting in, but...

Baffy, my XH refused point blank to agree to a divorce, wrote a rude letter back to my solicitor, kept saying I would have to leave without DS4 and pay maintenance, then when he actually got a petition from the court he caved in. My solicitor (a family law specialist) said in his experience 95% of them do the same: bluster and posture at first, then go all to pieces once they realise it is serious. We have now come to an agreement which is what I wanted in the first place, ie a 50-50 split of everything including access to DS4, the divorce is through and we are just waiting for the court to rubber-stamp the financial consent order. There is no need for it to get nasty just because there are lawyers involved, if you take care that it doesn't.

You aren't going to persuade your H to sign out of the goodness of his heart, because he hasn't got one (the slut ate it). He prefers to keep you on a string while he fritters away your children's inheritance. A good stiff letter from a lawyer may make him pay attention, failing which a court summons. Adultery is grounds for a "quickie" divorce in this country, or if you just want out you could agree to let HIM divorce YOU on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, if that makes him happier!

So don't despair, pick up that phone, get some quotes from good family lawyers, find one who will agree to write only polite letters, and sue the breeches off the bastard. Er, I mean, divorce him in a civilised and dignified fashion.

Excelsior! With the emphasis on Ex.

Love, Annie

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Wow! Baffy I'm so and for you. What a pair of ... well I just can't think of a bad enough word without offending anyone and using a word I never ever use!!!
Annie lol at "the slut ate it". That's very true
Well I went to Alanon last night and P had his counselling today. We managed to have a really good chat this afternoon and we are really going to make a last effort to make this work (and it really is the last chance, if this doesn't work then that's it, I've done my absolute best and can't do more)
Alanon was good - not really what I expected and it was mostly older women there (I thought I'd stumbled into a WI meeting at first but they were all so kind and I felt really relaxed and at ease with them all. I'll definitely go again, and am quite looking forward to it actually.
Tannee I'd definitely recommend it!

Thanks for posting Annie that's really good advice
I have already seen a solicitor. But it just wasn't feeling right and I chose to fill in the forms myself. I've done all the forms and have put adultery as my reason for divorcing him.

Although I ran out of space in the bit where it asks for evidence, dates and locations!!

I understand from my meeting with the solicitor that I can file for divorce without his signature and he will just receive the Petition. That's the point he needs to sign for the actual divorce (I think!). The bit I need him to sign though is the 'Statement of Arrangements' for ds. I wanted him to sign that so it's all 'done and dusted' so to speak. That has to be sent off with the Petition. If we both agree and sign to it, then he just signs the paperwork when he recieves it and it's all done. (Simplistic summary!)

So I can actually go ahead and file for divorce without his signature, it just means we may then have to go to mediation or something over the arrangements for ds. That's the bit where I think the slut, and his family, will start getting back into his head and telling him to fight for joint custody and not agree to the maintenance as I earn more than him etc... I just don't want it to come to that We both agree at the moment and I'm scared of people manipulating him into fighting me.
We know how weak and easily led he is!

Sad thing is too that he's not contesting the arrangements for ds at all. He's knows I'm being more than reasonable given the circumstances. He just doesn't want to divorce me!

The longer this goes on though, the more scared I get that he'll not only take my home from me, my future as I thought it was, and every ounce of confidence I ever had. But also my baby. I couldn't deal with that

Annie I think I will take your advice and try to find a solicitor I feel happier with to help me move it forward.

At least I'm still smiling though. Somehow!

Thanks for the hugs Dior. Much needed!

And great news ginnedup I'm so pleased it went so well for you. You're sounding more positive than you have in ages

I can imagine how scared you must feel that he would fight for custody. But with the evidence so far do you really think he would stand a chance? I mean with the police getting involved and everything.

Like you say if he signs he sort of gets what he wants - surely he knows now that you will be calling all the shots.

I do wonder about the money you earn though and i know that my solicitor was saying to me it would be in my best interests to stay 'married as long as possible - to get more 'years' and also more of the share. I know that is not what you want to hear but maybe he is thinking along those lines too, you have been his life-line for a long time now and of course he does not want to cut that. Anyway wishing you lots of strength to get you through this. Do at least talk to another solicitor so you know all your options if he is playing dirty.

Ginned - glad your meeting went well and hope it does all work out this time for you.

Baffy I cannot believe how similar our situations and Hs are sometimes I think you are me ...just younger thinner and prettier
What on earth is he playing at - he doesn't want a divorce but he is still with skank bitch ...trust me she will get PG if he gives her half a chance - I worked out OW got PG probably the week she realised "she had lost" - H had put his wedding ring on and asked me to do the same ....and I foolishly told her
Afraid I did the same as you and told her she could never trust him, I would always be there, I was the mother of his beloved daughter (the only one at that stage ) and if I wanted him I would just have to click my fingers ...silly me I sometimes wonder if I had fought her less hard for him whether it would have just burnt itself out and me fighting so hard just fuelled her obsession (and his)
When I filed for divorce initially 2 years ago - he told me his solicitor told him to fight for half my pension (I have excellent NHS pension he has none)..and also fight ME for maintenance payments as I earn so much more than him (fuck off I also look after his kids provide for them support him and run his business) aaaaggghhhh he always said he wouldn't do that but I know what you mean about being worried how others (especially OW) will influence him - I also wanted will stating that OW baby had no claim on anything we owned jointly (wehy the fuck should she take away from my kids) so now gotta go through all this again
Oh HW you sound so angry at the mo - is it because you feel she has "got off scot free" - just remember you have H and he certainly seems to have tried his very best to prove its YOU he wants
Dior bloody H of yours how dare he make you feel so bad - mine did the same and the damge he did goes deep Althoughmanaged to fit into a size 16 dress for the wedding!!
Same old same old here H on best behaviour as always after I lose it...but am ignoring him much as I can even forgo my usual night out tonight as he usually babysits and really don't want him here ....
On a more cheerful note I will be in London from Sun 25 May anyone still up for meet doesn't need to be in London - in fact just outside London where I can drive to rather than train/tube would be better...will start thread on FB more private to arrange meet can put mobiles etc ......come on someone meet me I missed the last one

Baffy i'm sorry he didn't sign but can't say i am surprised. Good point there Mc maybe if you do stop fighting/ supporting him he may realise what a twunt he is being
I doubt for a second you would ever loose ds he hasn't a leg to stand on when compared with you.
I agree maybe find a solicitor who is prepared to move forward he way you want as i feel until you get force him to divorce you he still thinks you are their for him when he changes his mind on her!
At leas you know that man who you loved and had a child with is gone and she has been left with this 'other awful' person, i can imagine it wasn't nice for your parents especially considering their background.

HW i wonder if it's the other thread that has raised the feelings again, i similair and sometimes think i should stay away from them as it is really close to the bone. Congrats on him getting his new job though that's going to make things much easier.

Dior sorry to hear things not good again.

Gup lol at the wi meeting. glad it went well.

McD glad you sound stronger and his 'good' behaviour isn't wearing you down, keep going you can and will get through it!

How's Pc is anyone in touch with her ?

Hi Lily I have to stay off the other threads - I just end up in tears and cannot be constructive like you, Baffy and HW just want to be bitter and angry and really need to change those feelings or I am going to end up a sad old hag

McD you are just under too much pressure yourself at the moment, no one could expect you to do anything more than you are.
A bitter old hag , never !
Hows lo is she rolling , sitting yet ? Have you started weaning i holding off as long as poss, havebreathed sigh of relief it's now 6 months. Can't stand all that pureein fruit and veg!

Thanks everyone - yes it could be the other thread that has triggered things but i also think it is because although he has another job it is still 'secret' and there is a long notice period to go. I am just so impatient and just want that next step and new start NOW. I want his work to finally realise that it can not work if both work there (and even though i know they never will) want to know that they wish they had sacked her. Well at least they do seem to be at last getting a policy in place so no-one will have to go through this again.

Also know i am getting quite stressed at the mo too and i am fed up with workman in my house - i just want to have my home back - but its not long now.