Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

macd please please don't cancel the appointment. all you are doing is finding out your rights and options. taking some control.

you have an amaing capacity for forgiveness but please remind yourself what this man has put you through. there may well be a happy future for you both (I wish that for you so much).
but how will that ever happen if that future begins with him believing he can treat you like total and utter shit for months and you'll take it without a fight.

you need to re-build the foundations. that means starting off by taking control. show him you will not be treated that way and you have the ability to walk away and never give him a second thought. he needs to see that is a real possibility before he can even begin to understand that if he is to ever ever win you back, he would be an absolute fool to put one step wrong as you'd be out of the door in a shot! (or rather he would!)

he has the most to lose here. you need to start calling the shots. knowlege is power. and you need to take some control back.

you may never need to use the information you get from the solicitor. but what harm will it do to go?
none at all!
and if he gets shirty because he didn't expect you to go through with it - well frankly, good! because he needs to live in the real world. and he continues treating you like shit because he doesn't actually believe you'll do it. so please don't back down now or he's won yet again.

sorry for going on

I've had some fantastic news at work. And also been told by my counsellor this morning that she doesn't think she needs to see me anymore as I am so clear on the way forward and am probably no longer benefitting from the sessions as I've made peace with what's happened and am focussing on mine and ds's future.
So despite H still be a prize twunt (I won't bore you) I'm actually ok and have some happy news for once

HW - glad you are almost there. Do you trust your dh completely? When did your relationship start to feel normal again? I mean, not tiptoeing around each other etc.

I struggle with the doubts I have about him and our relationship. You may be right when you say I am not giving myself credit for progress made. I want to be where you are, not the stage I am at now. I am being too impatient I suppose.

Great news Baffy - on both fronts.

By the way LL, your advice is great and much appreciated so don't worry about coming in late. It's lovely that you've joined us

Totally with you on wanting the old life back. Had that discussion with the counsellor this morning. I know I still want my old life back so much. That will just take time
The new one will hopefully be much better!

And I have the dreams too. Awful. So vivid and real. And then I go back to sleep and they carry on.
I know that happens to me when I'm particularly stressed and upset, or thinking too much. I probably still have them 2-3 times a week.
I'm sure over time they'll fade. Well I hope so!

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Hi everyone. Thanks for the birthday wishes. I had a fab day and was totally spoilt. DP took me, Mum and the dc for a surprise trip to London and I finally went on the London Eye. It was a great day. We went past the restaurant where all the teabags had their meet up and I thought of you all and what a great day that was!!!
Then had a slap up meal afterwards. I feel good about things now - he really pulled out all the stops for me and for the first time in ages we felt close again
MacD - please do keep the appoinment with the solicitors, everyone is right it will give you back control and will shift the balance in your relationship to allow you to call the shots. It really shakes them up to know that you really are prepared to walk away and start again. He's got away with this shit treatment of you for too long - now its your turn to regain control. Its still up to him what he does, and maybe this will make him realise his days are numbered if he doesn't pull his finger out and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Anyway, lecture over.
Congratulations Baffy (go on tell us what the news was!), and I don't think you could ever bore us if you tried!!
LL and HW - I am so in awe of you for your forgiveness. I couldn't have done it (not that I had a choice) and I really admire you for giving your H's a chance to put things right.
And finally - TFM, good luck for today, I'll be thinking of you.
Hope all of you have a good weekend!

Ah just briefly - work - I don't know if I said I've been selected to go on this Leadership Development Programme. Well anyway, out of 80 people I was selected, and I'm now one of just 2 people who's been selected to be mentored by the Chief Executive for the next 2 years with a view to becoming a Director by the time I'm 32!

It's an absolutely amazing opportunity and I'm totally overwhelmed with the support I'm getting and the amount of time the Chief Exec of the company is going to invest in me. It's been a massive boost.

I only wish H would have been by my side to share in it. He helped me every step of the way through my training. And now I'm about to see the full rewards of that and he's off on self destruct mode doing his best to ruin his life!

Anyway, he's just on another planet as usual. Had tickets to a gig last night. I said I wouldn't go. He begged and begged, the usual. Then at 7 o clock last night called up and said OW is going to be there, she'd texted him, so we definitely can't go now!

Ok I thought. Fair enough. Didn't really want to go with you anyway.
But now I know I can't go because of her, I actually secretly want to. IYKWIM!

Then he called back half an hour later... he said 'I know you can't go to the gig as if you two see each other you'll kill each other, but do you mind if I take the tickets YOU bought for US, and go with my mates'?!!!! And yes she will probably come and see me in the gig too, but as long as I'm not with you there won't be any trouble!

What did he want from me! Oh yes dear, thanks for running that past me, of course you can take the tickets I bought and go off with your friends to see your bit on the side whilst I stay in looking after our child, and knowing your with her, seeing one of my favourite bands!! Of course it would be so wrong to be seen out with your wife. We wouldn't want to upset her would we. Not a problem!

I mean! FGS!

He did go though!

Baffy you are a much better person than me because hell would have frozen over before I let him have the tickets

So she knew you were going and decided to go to cause trouble...how sad to thrive on that kind of confrontation.

Good on you to take the higher ground

Congrats on the work....make sure the Chief executive doesnt take too much of a personal interest LOL

My children are feeling neglected as hubby gave me a list of business things to do...problem with working from home its difficult to get a day off

dior - I actually did search for some background today just after I posted(saw the one where you were talking about being depressed)- so sorry, I mentioned it today but didn't know you already had it.

Baffy - excellent news about your job prospects. A director at 32 - fantastic! What a lovely ego boost.

Ginnedup - glad you had a great birthday and felt spoilt. Just how it should be
Thanks for the admiration - it's probably a mental state assessment I need though The reason why I am trying to forgive is because I don't forsee that living apart is a better option. I don't have confidence that I would fall out of love with him and meet someone else who I would fall in love with as much. That is sad.

On the other threads I've been on, people post with their stats e.g one ds, ttc no. 2, one m/c etc. Was musing how that would read if we all did that on this thread. Think it would scare everyone off I tell you what though, my friend's situation was worse than mine. He impregnated the au pair (who my friend treated like a daughter)who was only 17 and hardly spoke any English. She had two more children with him. He tried to take the house off my friend - she has 2 children by him and an older dd. My friend was gutted as she wanted more children and can't have them. What a bastard. My friend lost loads of weight due to stress.

What a sad story LL - the horrible thing is that its not that uncommon . I've seen so many people on here and in rl whose lives have been totally ruined by such stupid, selfish men.
I remember when xp left me for someone else when I was pg. I was amazed at the number of people who it had happened to. It does make you wonder why we bother with men at all sometimes!
Well done Baffy - you should be so proud of yourself, to have achieved all that with what's been going on behind the scenes is a real achievement. Sorry H is still rubbing your nose in it and blatantly choosing that dog over you, try not to let them spoil your happiness (I know its easier said than done)

Thanks WW, you always make me smile! And I do see where you're coming from about hell freezing over, my mum and friends would be exactly the same

Chief Exec is a big family man, and much older, so I think I'm safe

Do you know what though, they don't even get to me anymore. I had a lovely night with ds. We had cups of tea in bed and watched Britain's Got Talent and snuggled up together all happy and content.
If H wants a psycho nutter slapper who causes constant havoc, hurt and stress, then he's bloody welcome to it. I wouldn't change what I've got for the world!!

TFM let us know how you are? xx

And just for the record, I don't like these new smileys!!

I'm off to see Girls Aloud tonight so heading off home now!

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Oh yes TFM do let us know how it went - everything crossed for you.

Glad you had a great day GU - you sound so positive and in control. It is a good place to be when you know you can go it alone but can enjoy their company (and the treats ).

McD - I am going to badger you until you go to that solicitor - I am so glad i did, you really do need to do this for you now - and dont give a f* what he thinks or says about it.

Dior - hope you have a good weekend - how is the weight loss going - mine is crap at the moment, i just keep coming up with excuses, now i am planning to get fit when dd starts full time school in sept .

LL - I dont think i will ever trust dh completly and that is something he has to live with as much as me. But one of the things i think is that i would have had the same trust issues in any new relationship, so better the devil you know (and not waste all that training ). You must try to believe in yourself and know that he has choosen you because you are the best he is going to get. My h thanks me everyday now for sticking at it and it makes a huge difference to how i feel.

H also realises that it is up to him to 'prove' himself to me and so is so open and honest now that i really dont have to worry about what he is up to. He often stays away and gives me so much info and phones a lot so i dont worry (i think he worries more than me now).

I dont think it will ever be 'normal' again - but the tiptoeing didnt last long really, it is best to just come out and say what you are thinking even if you think it is wrong (if he is understanding he will probably be thinking about it a lot too anyway).
Just dont be afraid of talking about how you feel and if some days you want to 'wallow' in it then do. I think if you deny yourself that time you will take longer to get past it.
I find the future harder to look to now and so live a lot more for now, which is not a bad thing really.

Anyway hope everone has a good weekend and has asked for some sunshine for us all.

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Has anyone heard from TFM is she ok??
Thanks all for support am still going to solicitor am planning on talking to him the morning before - frankly am terrified (not sure of what - how he will react/what he will say/that he will finally walk away/that it will be over/that I will lose/that I will win???)...
BF wants to do something special for my birthday - I just want to hide (2 years ago on my BD we were barely speaking he gave me a card saying best wife/love you always etc...a week later I found his phone bill and he paraded OW in local pub..can still recall that angry/sick/sad feeling)- will I ever enjoy a birthday again without remembering all those feelings??

Oh McD, I know what you mean. Will feel the same about my bday and V Day (birthday mid Jan)

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MCd - why tell him before - i think you will feel a lot stronger if you go and get the advice first tbh. You know he will try and get you to change your mind.

Once armed with the information you can then choose when to tell him.

Just because you go to the solicitor they will not just send him a letter saying you want divorce but they will be able to get all the papers ready so as soon as you are ready you can go.

They may suggest going for unreasonable behviour rather than adultery as it is easier to get the divorce without having to 'prove' it.
Also please talk to to solicitor first as he may be able to help you if h does anything silly such as 'taking' money. Mine suggested we go for a long period before actually divorcing as it would give me more of his pension years - sneaky but worth waiting a few months.
The seperation order needs to be sorted and if you are not actually going to divorce you can still get things in place for custody access and finances sorted.

Please stay stong and dont worry about it pushing him away - you dont want someone who would do that anyway do you?

mac, i second what has been said wrt solicitor.

if it helps, just treat it as a fact finding mission for now. you are under no obiligation to proceed any further or faster than you feel comfortable with.

i was adament that i wanted to start proceedings immediately when i went. my sol was pretty much doom and gloom and told me how vulnerable i was with H's financial situation being so poor whilst mine was slightly better in that i own property.

they took my marriage cert and sent me out the documents which were actually all wrong. so i amended them and returned them. they sent me something a week or so later but tbh i haven't even opened the letter

they haven't even chased me up for payment for what they have already done!

i totally understand how scary this is, how final it feels but it is very important for you to have all the information you need to make the decisions that you are inevitabley faced with. whether you divorce or not you have decisions to make and it's best to do so from an informed position.

as for birthdays, you need to create happy memories to overwrite the horrible ones. can you really do that with H? or do you stand a better chance of doing that yourself with your dc and your BF who sounds fabulous.

my BF has organised drinks for me tomorrow. he's the only person to have suggested anything and i love him for it. he's booked a local pub 2 - 9pm and it's completely not child friendly but I so appreciate what he is doing. he's even invited a bunch of my friends. We will go for a couple of hours mid afternoon and hope that the weather is good and dd isn't too antsy!

btw, have been texting with TFM and she's okay. a bit uncomfortable and, i should imagine, tired out but staying positive.

Also McD - make sure you find a solicitor you are comfortable with - mine was fantastic (but expensive), but did phone me a couple of times to make sure i was ok - especially after the doom and gloom chat we had.
We did a lot of it by email and he never sent h anything unless i was completly aware. He also sent via email anything that h emailed him. He was so good he had even persuaded h he would not need a solicitor and he would do all the legals . But he was also very calm and suggested mediation for us both - and was always in favour of a slower rather than a quickie 'knee jerk' divorce.
I will always be grateful for the meeting i had with him as i am no longer afraid to seek legal advice in the future - even now i feel so much more in control of my own life.

Hi to PC - have a lovely time today.

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been around much, I hope everyone is ok.

Thank you for thinking of me and for your good wishes. I had a core biopsy on both boobies yesterday as consultant found an area in other one that she waned to check out so PC is correct, I am rather sore and very tired. But like PC says I am ok and thinking positive, the consultant did say that she thinks it will come back as normal breast tissue so that made me feel a lot better. They are going to process all the tests now and contact me with the results so I will let you know.

I'm really sorry but too tired to read the whole thread but am thinking of you all.
Belated Happy birthday GU, hope you had a good one.

Have a lovely weekend everyone xxx

Glad you are ok TFM. Hope you get lots of rest. Hope you have some good painkillers.

oh TFM even your post sounds tired
I hope you are feeling ok today and fingers crossed for good news..I was worried - if you need medical advice PLEASE email me via FB if you want and I can give you my mobile I am more than happy to lend a friendly ear and offer any medical advice I can x
Still wavering here - he is on BEST behaviour then acts like prat - he is having DD1 overnight tonight - baby has been nightmare today (teeth I think) am shattered house is tip....so he asks ME to bring DD1 to him and pick him up from pub on way point blank refused and said he shouldn't be drinking when he has her anyway ....says he will only have 5 or 6 pints then get taxi here to pick her up and back to his - BLOODY HELL we ARE SKINT what part of that does he NOT get

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