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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and I will be splitting up

199 replies

Housewife8 · 10/04/2025 03:52

My husband and I will be splitting up I am moving out of the marital house and moving in with my mum and dad and the children don't know because I am leaving them with my husband has anyone else left their children

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 10/04/2025 04:16

Have your children stayed alone with their Dad before?
Is that the solution you prefer?
How long is that arrangement going to last?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/04/2025 05:03

Is he the primary caregiver? Please don’t allow yourself to be controlled if he’s forcing this on you.

MoreChocPls · 10/04/2025 05:16

Why isn’t he leaving and you stay with the kids? Once you go, there’s no turning back from the impact this will have in the kids.

AnonAnonmystery · 10/04/2025 07:08

Why are you leaving your children?
if you are leaving them, you can’t just up and leave or they will suffer trauma and shock. Please consider your children, they are not disposable. You are divorcing your husband not the children;

Original poster
Housewife8 · 10/04/2025 07:08

Because he is refusing to leave

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 10/04/2025 07:09

Don’t leave your children, You will regret it, Find another solution.

Doolallies · 10/04/2025 07:09

How old are your children?

this is a huge thing to do to them. You are effectively abandoning them

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/04/2025 07:11

I would take them to my mums with me, then work out contact etc from there, when you start to sort the divorce. This could be traumatic for them if you just up and leave (same as it would be if the dad did it). This way will feel like a trip somewhere for a bit.

Never2many · 10/04/2025 07:12

start the divorce proceedings.

Start the financial stuff, including the house and what is going to happen to it.

You absolutely cannot just leave your children without telling them. This will give him good leverage to go for primary residency, assuming you intend to have a relationship with your children going forward?

Leaving the family home isn’t the answer.

And if he’s abusive then leaving the children with them is a terrible thing to do if you care about them.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 10/04/2025 07:13

Do not leave you children.

I appreciate he won't leave the home but if you leave and leave your children it could look really bad if the custody case ends up in court.

Is there no way to leave and take them with you at all?

If he is abusive, then talk to women's aid or the DV team at your local.police, they can help arrange for you to leave safely.

category12 · 10/04/2025 07:33

How old are the dc?

If you leave without them, you may struggle to get residency with them later on and even contact if he decides to be difficult.

What is the urgency in leaving? Is he abusive/violent?

If he's not, I'd advise staying and divorcing in situ. It'll be difficult, but it'll be easier on the kids than leaving them, and for the division of marital assets.

If he's dangerous, you may be better fleeing to your parents or a refuge but with the kids.

Velvian · 10/04/2025 07:37

Give us a bit more background on what has been happening @Housewife8 and we can give more useful advice.

Snoken · 10/04/2025 07:39

Why do you need to leave the children? Can't you share them like most divorced parents do? At least have them 50% of the time.

JohnofWessex · 10/04/2025 07:42

Apply to the Courts to get him out of the matrimonial home

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 10/04/2025 07:56

If care is going to be 50/50 then I don’t see a problem moving out and leaving the children with the dad, as they will be between both houses half the time anyway. Is he a good dad and able?

theoriginalpinkpowerranger · 10/04/2025 07:57

We need more background. Who owns the house? How long have you been married? Kids ages?

category12 · 10/04/2025 08:01

A solicitor would most likely advise you to stay put in the marital home to help protect your interest in the house.

Dery · 10/04/2025 08:03

As PP have said, there isn’t enough information in your post for people to comment. Is your husband abusive? Or will you have the DCs 50/50? Unless your DCs are nearly fully grown and pretty much independent and able to understand your explanation, leaving your DCs behind sounds like it could be a mistake and likely to be used against you. @category12 has (as is often the case) nailed the key considerations.

Itwasforthebest · 10/04/2025 08:05

Yes, I left my DD age 2.5 with my exbf.
Initially, I took her with me and rented a room elsewhere. We shared her back and forth for a few weeks. Then he came to me one evening and begged, saying that looking after her was all he wanted to do with his life, so I agreed to sign over the child benefit to him, so he could claim benefits as a single parent. I then became liable to pay him maintenance.

There was an important factor in this decision: when his parents divorced when he was about 9, his father disappeared from his life and he didn't see him for over a decade. I knew if I took DD, her father would copy his father and disappear from her life. Then she would grow up not knowing her father.
Whereas if I was the non-resident parent, I would always be in her life with regular contact and nights spent at mine.
Also, in those few weeks when I had her alone initially, I realised I was not cut out to be a full time single parent.

This is probably very different to your situation OP.

Some questions:

Does your DH actually want to be the main resident parent? Will he give up work, or will he be responsible for organising childcare around his work?

Do you want to be the main parent? Why can't you take the children with you temporarily while you sort out housing?

Will he expect you to have them 50/50, but he keeps the current house?

Unless you actually want him to have the children, don't leave them with him.

Broadswordcallingdannyboy1 · 10/04/2025 08:06

JohnofWessex · 10/04/2025 07:42

Apply to the Courts to get him out of the matrimonial home

Good luck with that! He probably owns 50% of the property.

Floranan · 10/04/2025 08:07

Don’t leave your children, stay where you are until you have legal advice. My ex also refused to leave. I stayed with the children at my father’s advice and I’m glad I did . It was a difficult time, but i feel to leave your children will have long term consequences regardless of their ages.

myrtle70 · 10/04/2025 08:08

If you are entitled to UC you can rent and take children. The house won’t count against UC as capital until the divorce and finances are sorted and you have your share. That’s what my friend did whose exH refused to leave. Get benefits advice and use a benefits and cm online calculator and figure out your options.

Sofiewoo · 10/04/2025 08:12

How old are your children?
Are you a sahm as your user name suggests?

Guavafish1 · 10/04/2025 08:14

Depends on how old your kids

RB68 · 10/04/2025 08:25

I would say see a solicitor. He may now be refusing to leave but if you start proceedings for the divorce and financial settlement you can discuss with your solicitor getting him out - the court can order him to do that if it makes sense. It sounds like you are not familiar with all the ins and outs with regard to divorce and this sort of situation so a good solicitor is where you need to seek advice to get the process right.