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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and I will be splitting up

199 replies

Housewife8 · 10/04/2025 03:52

My husband and I will be splitting up I am moving out of the marital house and moving in with my mum and dad and the children don't know because I am leaving them with my husband has anyone else left their children

OP posts:
Hwi · 10/04/2025 17:30

Princess Diana's mum did.

FondantFancyFan · 10/04/2025 17:44

Hwi · 10/04/2025 17:30

Princess Diana's mum did.

And Princess Diana struggled with that abandonment for the rest of her life.

Welshwhales · 10/04/2025 17:45

Do NOT leave, your kids will never forgive you and you are at risk of losing everything.

unsync · 10/04/2025 17:49

TopNarcTip · 10/04/2025 16:13

I had the same advice. I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship though and I don’t know how long I’ll continue to cope.

Show quote history

@TopNarcTip I was so fortunate my ex moved out. Do you have any professional support? I found Women's Aid very helpful in unpicking everything. Grey rock is a useful technique. There's a lot about it on here if you search for it. I found focusing on the future without them in it helped too.

JJWT · 10/04/2025 18:07

So, are you hoping to shift the impasse by creating a situation where he has to manage the children by himself? Are you hoping that he'll realise how hard all that is and agree that he should leave instead? I sympathise, if you're stuck in a terrible situation, but if you are trying what I asked above, and ultimately want to remain as the main caregiver, that may be a very risky game to play. It's hard to advise, as you haven't given much info.

Iateallthechocolate · 10/04/2025 18:12

Yes I don't see a problem with this. One parent is the resident parent and the other has visitation. I can't see it making a difference which gender each is. I've known it both ways. The mother leaving and the father leaving. Both worked fine.
Oddly the ones the kids hated the most were 50/50, though this is preferred currently. But that's anecdotal from a small sample. In fact one mother was so against 50/50 after her experience of it as a child she was willing to give her ex custody. ( instead of feeling like she had 2 homes she felt like a nomad with no home).
As long as you tell your children you still love them, but don't love their father it should be OK.

LonelyFooleightyfour · 10/04/2025 18:15

If you can suport your kids, don't leave them.

KellySeveride · 10/04/2025 18:21

Iateallthechocolate · 10/04/2025 18:12

Yes I don't see a problem with this. One parent is the resident parent and the other has visitation. I can't see it making a difference which gender each is. I've known it both ways. The mother leaving and the father leaving. Both worked fine.
Oddly the ones the kids hated the most were 50/50, though this is preferred currently. But that's anecdotal from a small sample. In fact one mother was so against 50/50 after her experience of it as a child she was willing to give her ex custody. ( instead of feeling like she had 2 homes she felt like a nomad with no home).
As long as you tell your children you still love them, but don't love their father it should be OK.

You don’t see a problem because you have not experienced maternal abandonment.

Please do NOT ever underestimate how much that fucks a person up-for the rest of their life. I still have attachment issues, despite a full understanding of why I have them, I cannot shake the issues.

Owl55 · 10/04/2025 18:23

Please get advice from Womens aid or refuge,when my daughter left her partner and came to live with me with the children because ex wouldn’t leave there was so much help she could have got but we were unaware of it , housing and financial help was available , I know you must be desperate to consider leaving your children behind but it could be a safety risk too.Get advice first please .

Sassybooklover · 10/04/2025 18:37

Do not leave your children. My ex partner's wife up and left him and their two sons aged 4 and 6. She left him for another man and because she didn't want the responsibility of them any longer. Your reasons for leaving may be different, but the trauma your children will feel, is exactly the same as my exes two sons. She didn't tell them, she just left. Both of those boys suffered dreadfully - behaviour issues, bed wetting, anxiety to name a few. Please find another way. Start divorce proceedings, but stay with your children. My exes two sons are adults, but the trauma has stayed with them, one has OCD and the other over thinks and is anxious.

Catoo · 10/04/2025 18:45

Please let us have some more info OP so that people who’ve been through similar experiences can give you sound advice.

💐

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/04/2025 18:49

Please don't leave your children.

Washingupdone · 10/04/2025 19:04

Please don’t leave your children, I speak from experience, true I wasn’t left with my father but in a children’s home but I still suffer from insecurities.

Without your partners knowledge,
1.Make an appointment as soon as you can to see your GP to have a health and blood check.

  1. See a close sympathetic friend to talk things over or phone a specialist if there is violence.

3 Find all papers dealing with money, tax mortgage, wages etc and copy them. Copy all text messages. List the reasons why you want to separate and find a solicitor, to know your rights of not leaving the martial home, it must be their father.

ThisChic · 10/04/2025 19:17

AnonAnonmystery · 10/04/2025 07:08

Why are you leaving your children?
if you are leaving them, you can’t just up and leave or they will suffer trauma and shock. Please consider your children, they are not disposable. You are divorcing your husband not the children;

This.

Muffinmam · 10/04/2025 19:39

Globules · 10/04/2025 08:34

Some of the PP saying get him to leave have obviously never been in the situation where they have a shit of a man refusing to go and by staying, they are forcing their children to remain in a toxic environment.

I'd agree more details are needed here.

If you're splitting up, and dad is a good dad, then leaving the kids with him in the family home will be in their best interests. If dad is abusive, then there is no option but to move them out with you. Your mum should understand that the kids need accommodation at her place as well as you. And you have to make it work.

All the best

They are forcing their children to stay with a shit of a man and in a toxic environment though.

Xcellentaligat · 10/04/2025 20:17

She’s gone……

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2025 20:39

My friend did. Her DC still blame her 40 years later and it comes up in any disagreement (despite there being DV and her becoming primary again a few years later). I haven't lived her life, or yours, but please get legal advice before you make this massive decision. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2025 21:42

Iateallthechocolate

"Yes I don't see a problem with this. One parent is the resident parent and the other has visitation. I can't see it making a difference which gender each is. I've known it both ways. The mother leaving and the father leaving. Both worked fine."

The people I know who had their mum leave were very affected by it.

The one family I know where dad stays home, he admits the kids still look to mum for support, emotional I would imagine.

The reason that mum leaving can be sch an issue is normally (in most families) the mum is the main care giver, and is rarely the main earner.

So losing a main care giver is major.

Also, if mum leaves and dad takes over caring full time, how does he manage with the finances/work/childcare etc. Many mums will have taken a step down at work, or not progressed as far as they could, and will be earning less. Will they be expected to contribute to dad staying home to look after kids. Or perhaps dad saying someone else to look after the kids.

Thephantom · 10/04/2025 21:47

Xcellentaligat · 10/04/2025 20:17

She’s gone……

Or this is a wind-up by a bored teenager 🤷🏻‍♀️..what with it being the Easter hols and all

CrunchyKnees · 10/04/2025 21:49

From the OP’s other posts, she’s been married for 30 years so you’d assume DC are at least teen/young adult so they’d be able to make their decision on who they live with and I’d leave them in the family home as well if they are otherwise happy.

OP’s DH has been giving her the silent treatment and she feels over the last 12 months, he doesn’t care about her or do anything around the house.

Do your parents live nearby OP? You’d obviously need to sit down with the DC and discuss with them before you go.

Thephantom · 10/04/2025 21:50

On the off-chance that this is real- abandon the father by all means, but please don't abandon the children- this is not their fault. I wish you strength OP 💐

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 10/04/2025 22:05

Well, why can’t you also refuse to leave?

Do you want to leave the children? The answer to that gives you your next steps.

TheGlitterFairy · 10/04/2025 22:05

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/04/2025 08:47

Do not leave your children. It will change your relationship forever. I have a friend who did this who thought she would sort herself out and get settled first. The ex won full residency. She became the EOW parent.

yep - OP needs to stay put and seek legal advice. My DM left under similar circumstances and ended up with pretty much 50/50…but relationships changed as a result. Not great as a teenager to see your mum drive away and leave you and your sibling. OP please don’t do this

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/04/2025 22:23

I don’t think OP is coming back.

Never2many · 10/04/2025 22:28

These threads where an OP posts a one liner and then doesn’t come back are tedious.