I am the child of a mum who walked out one day. It wasn’t a surprise she left (as in, I knew she wanted to leave) but she left one day when I was at my friends house and my dad picked me up in the morning and just blurted out “by the way, your mother left yesterday”. I felt like someone had ripped my insides out. But I held it together. Because that’s what I felt was expected.
Although I did see her a few times a week, me and my sibling were left living with my dad. I never lived with my mum again.
This was devastating. I loved my mum very much and I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad. He was a difficult man. Though he didn’t abuse me, emotionally he is only focused on himself. It was very hard. He became depressed and suicidal. And more than once I had to talk him out of killing himself. No one asked if I was OK. My grades slipped, my attendance at school slipped. No one did anything. Or even spoke to me about it.
At the time, and actually until fairly recently, I didn’t realise the damage this had caused me. Which was naive I think. Of course it has scarred me. I was abandoned by the only parent I loved!
My brother is younger and has been emotionally damaged by this abandonment. Although he perhaps doesn’t realise this. He has a very close relationship with his DD, but he is emotionally unavailable for anyone else (except me). He thinks of himself as an island and would not ever allow himself to be vulnerable. Which is very different to how he was as a child.
My mother was never able to overcome leaving her children. Despite repeated assurances from me that it was fine, there was no harm done, nothing to forgive as far as I was concerned etc., she could never forgive herself and she drank herself into an early grave. I was in my 30s when she died of an alcohol related disease.
My father, like your children’s father, also would not have left the family home. As I say, he is difficult. I fully understand why my mum had to leave. I don’t blame her. But at the same time I cannot understand how she could leave us. I have children of my own who are the same ages as me and my brother when she left, and I couldn’t leave them. Things have been bad but there is nothing that would make me leave them behind. Nothing. Therefore although when I was younger I understood why she left and I didn’t hold it against her, as a parent I now find it harder and harder to comprehend. I blame my dad for driving her to do what she did (if I have to blame anyone). Blame aside, the emotional cost has been extremely high! And my mother paid with her life in the end. I wish she had had the strength to stay and fight. I wish to god I had been able to stay with her. I miss her every day. It is, even now, bringing me to tears to write this down.
You must be in a dreadful state to be considering this. So you absolutely have my sympathy. This isn’t easy. If there’s any way you can stay, or take the children with you, any other option, then please do take time to consider it. Although on paper we are all OK, the legacy of her decision continues to this day.