Husband and I will be splitting up

[Housewife8]

My husband and I will be splitting up I am moving out of the marital house and moving in with my mum and dad and the children don't know because I am leaving them with my husband has anyone else left their children

@Housewife8 I see this was posted at 3.52am in the morning. Are you in the UK? Was this post made as a result of a major row and things have calmed down this morning?

We need much more information to be able to help. But do not leave until you have taken advice from a lawyer, Woman's Aid or other appropriate help

I know a family closely where the Mum left and the Dad became resident parent.

Dad was a wonderful parent to the Children, and ensured they maintained contact with their Mum, he and Mum still have a good relationship and the Children are well balanced and happy and have good relationships with both parents.

Mum was just not cut out to be a resident parent, Dad was.

So it can work, if personalities allow for it.

Can’t you take your children to your mums? I would.

Do not leave your home or your children. He will get fed up and move out when he realises you are set to stay. Take control of the divorce, do not let him dictate your life from now. You will find the strength, just concentrate on small periods of time ie the next 15 mins, don't worry about tomorrow as it isn't here yet. Your children need you x

Don’t leave the house, don’t leave the kids. Your position will be vastly reduced and you will be vulnerable.

This ^

Yes I know a few mums who have left their DH and therefore their DCs, it is still not as common as the fathers leaving.

Whoever initiates the split should be the one to leave, unless the DH has been abusive or cheated etc.

If a mum initiates it, then she should be the one to leave the home.

It’s not fair if she decides to split or meets someone else and then expects her DH to move out of his home and away from his kids.
Same as if a man decides to leave.

As PPs have said, if you want to share more information then we may be able to offer you more advice.

Your leaving your husband

Not your children ! You don’t divorce the kids !
please don’t do this !
my mum left and left me and sibling with dad and I have zero contact with her !
She literally only cared what she wanted ! No matter what u scoop them up and take them with u if u want a future in your children’s lives in the future x

I really feel for you but I'd never leave my dc, and certainly not without telling them! I am divorced and I'm still co habiting with exdh. The house is in joint names. He would like me to move in with my parents but I don't want to, I don't get on that well with dm and it would be much more difficult to get to work. Selling it would not provide either of us with enough money to buy another house. I am considering buying him out but he's just so nasty I don't think it will go well. He does not work, our dd3 is 17 and still at school.

Yeah, this is where solicitors need to be involved. Do not move out of your home.

If anything it should be sold and the profits split.

You will soon find yourself also paying a very big chunk of child support. Whereas if your assets are split and you share custody then neither of you will need to have that arrangement.

Don’t be daft. Get legal advice.

My ExH also refused to leave, became really nasty and in the end one day I packed up the car and left. I took the children with me - he kept saying I should leave and not take them, absolutely over my dead body would that ever have happened. It’s all a bit of a blur now but we went into temporary accommodation but two years on I’m a much stronger person and my children have learnt a very valuable lesson of how not to treat a woman. My heart is full and our home is our haven. Find your strength, walk away and take those children with you. When he realises you’re not going to back down the tables will turn.. be mindful of that!

There is nothing on earth that would make me leave my children. Especially with their father. I’d rather stay in a crap relationship than leave without my children.

What help do you want to get from MN?
What you are doing doesn’t seem a good idea - do you want to know how to oppose it?

Do not leave, get some legal advice, and sit tight until you have done so.

I've had a female relative and a friend's mum do this too - I think more context is needed because life is not black and white.

Take everything people have said into consideration and do what’s best for you and your kids. BUT if you still feel that that means leaving them with their dad while you leave then you need to do what’s best. Men do this all the time. As long as their safe with their dad then you don’t have to martyr yourself and stay there if you genuinely don’t think its feasible.

**if he’s abusive then take your kids and present at an out of area housing and request temporary accommodation. Get help from women’s aid etc

In your shoes I would ,move into the living room. Sleep on the sofa. Begin divorce proceedings. Make it clear to him you do not want to be together. But you will house share until this is resolved.

If you cannot bare to share a house with him, why would you expect your kids to do so.

The only people I know whose mum left while they were children were deeply affected by it.

Have you spoken to your children about what is going on and agreed a plan on when you will see them?

if you have organised it so they are fully aware, are well looked after and they won’t feel abandoned I think you are fine to leave.

it doesn’t always have to be the mum who is the primary care giver dads can take on the responsibility.

I would be worried about parental alienation in this scenario, @Housewife8.

It sounds like your husband has beaten you down (whether metaphorically or literally) to get you to leave so he can stay in the family home with your children and you walk away in the clothes you are standing up in.

It seems highly likely that if you go and leave your children behind, they will feel abandoned by you and your husband will encourage this by telling them that you have waltzed off into the sunset without a backwards glance and don't care about them at all. Even if you spend the next couple of years fighting hard to get divorced and get your fair share of the house and get your own place to live and then ask the court to order that your children live with you, by then you will no longer be the resident parent and your children may tell a judge that they want to stay in their home with their dad. You could end up in a situation where a judge gives you every other weekend with your kids and orders you to pay child support to your husband.

If it is not dangerous for you to remain in the house with your husband, stay in the house, issue divorce proceedings and try to get everything sorted as quickly as possible so you can divide up the money and each go your separate ways, without having set a precedent for your husband to be the primary carer of your children.

If it is dangerous for you to remain there with him, it is also dangerous for your children to remain there with him. Get the police involved, try to get an occupation order, and if all else fails, take your children with you at all costs. If they can't go to your parents' house with your children then see if there is a shelter you can go to temporarily.

But I really think you will regret leaving your children.

My husband's aunt did this with her children twice. It worked for them so can work the children will be heartbroken either way but I couldn't leave mine and always thought it was odd but whatever works best for your family works best for your family. The eldest 2 lived with their dad seeing their mam often enough and turned out well rounded individuals. The youngest lived with his dad when she split up with him and he's a well rounded young man too.

I recall a solicitor once advising a friend never leave the marital home and certainly not without the children. Can’t recall why but something about putting yourself in a legally less advantaged position if you leave marital home? I’d get proper legal advice before you do anything to jeopardise yours and kids’ future. I would never leave my children EVER!

if according to land registry the house is in joint equity and your joint owners of the land then half the house from what I understand is yours regardless. But I would say if he’s abusive then definitely go to the police/ speak to a related charity. Friend of mine had a situation in which her husband was acting threateningly towards her and the kids and he got told to leave the house by the police and not return. And like most people have said seek legal advice, some solicitors will have an initial appointment with you for free or if your on a low income you may be entitled to legal aid.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN.
I can’t imagine how much you’re desperate to leave. But you cannot leave your children.

It will put you in a much much more disadvantaged position to get them back!

We need more details to give an informed opinion OP.

Is the house jointly owned?
How old are the kids?
Can’t they come with you to your mums?
What is the reason for the split?
Is there abuse and are you at risk imminently if you don’t leave now?

I would be very reluctant to leave the kids. He is likely to use this against you and it may jeopardise the outcome of future custody proceedings.
Is it not possible to play a longer game and at least seek legal advice before leaving?
If you are leaving because you are at imminent risk, even more reason not to leave the kids but to consider calling the Police and getting advice from Women’s Aid. Even if you do jointly own the house, leaving with the kids will give you a much stronger position than going without them. Once you and they are safe and settled you can look into selling the house, which I’m imagining will have to happen if it’s jointly owned.

But all of this is conjecture without more information.

This happened to me, so I left and rented. I left the dc but only for a few days whilst I got sorted, and then we went onto 50/50. Can you afford to rent somewhere? Is there not room at your dps for the dc.

I wouldn't, and couldn't, have left mine longterm I'm afraid