Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

Op has h handed in his notice, how long has he to work his notice, and if so will he be back in office?
Has his work load not backed up waiting his return, could there be a big job waiting for his return, I did ask this up thread but you never responded, your limited responses to most here is very telling op, yet you reply to ' hoarders '

He already threw it away when he had an affair.

Haha yes it does seem to have descended into an attention-seeking exercise for the OP. No one can possibly be this naive/stupid/desperate to stay in such an obvious sham of a marriage!

She’s obviously not going to leave him so any advice is pointless. He will end up leaving her for the OW though…..

@fraughtcouture How is this helpful? If you don’t believe it’s a genuine post don’t follow and engage. But being unkind and insulting isn’t what this forum is for.

@fraughtcouture Then why hasn't he already left me for the OW?

Why would he leave? He's going to get at least a year free from working while he's "setting up his business" and you're carrying the whole financial load. He's got all the time in the world to see the OW or anyone else he chooses to see/sleep with so he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

@Strawberrinabecause you have given him no reason to!!! You have allowed him to continue his affair by taking zero meaningful action. He gets to keep his home comforts while carrying on with OW under your nose. A trip abroad in no way confirms the affair is over.

People get understandably frustrated because you ask faux naive questions and request advice while seemingly taking none on board. It just screams of attention seeking now with no real desire to resolve your situation.

You surely can’t be this dim?! Because this way he gets to take years off work whilst you financially support him whilst seeing the OW on the side as well!!!

he gets to sleep around (are you two even intimate anymore?) travel, live like a single man except he’s got a meek little wife at home playing the pick me dance. It’s win-win for him!

Jesus where is your self-respect?! Do you have daughters?

Why would he leave you for the other women, he doesn’t have to!

He doesn't need to leave OP because you've made it clear you will put up with any old shit. He's made no effort at all to make things right, he hasn't bothered to look for a new job, he's done nothing about a new business, not suggested counselling, kept it quiet from his family - he's just doing a bit more round the house to keep you sweet. You've already told him that if he doesn't find a new job that your marriage 'might' be over. So he's just stringing you along with the idea that he 'might' leave his job.

I don't think he has any intention whatsoever to leave. He loves having his cake and eating it too much. As for why he started the affair, that was because a younger good looking woman showed him some interest and he wanted to put his dick in her. He 'loves' you because you're convenient and 'loves' her because she's hot and younger - but mostly he loves that you're both desperate to keep him.

Why on earth would he? You’ve given him permission to carry on as he pleases, and suit himself. You must surely have heard of the sunk cost fallacy?

Do you think that’s the sign that everything is ok? That he hasn’t left you? That’s it?

He has no need to leave you, you believe everything he says and he can do whatever he wants! Why would he leave?

i would suggest counselling.

Because he had the best of both worlds. Doesn’t need to uproot his life and where he lives, he has you financially supporting him and he’s more than likely still seeing this woman and waiting out until you decide to get a backbone and get rid of him or when he’s set up his new business and is comfortable to leave.

No it isn't possible to love one person and cheat continuously with another. You are being taken for a fool. If you want him to leave that job and stay together, report him to HR. They will probably both be "let go".

If you divorce could you move to another area that is still convenient for your work?

You said this all the way back on 1 May last year, OP. Do you remember?

If he wants to be with her, like you say, why does he continue to live with me under one roof? He isn't forced to stay.

Lots of people told you why. Yet here you are, many months later, still asking exactly the same questions and ignoring all the answers and advice you get. You seem to think that you've 'won' over the OW, that you've performed the Pick-Me Dance better than she has, that your H has chosen you over her, and that this is a triumph for you and proves that your H loves you and cares about you. It really isn't, OP, and he really doesn't. He is so very, very much not a prize worth fighting for. He is a cheat and a liar, he has hurt you badly, and I very much fear that he's going to blindside you and hurt you far more in the future if you let him.

I have to admit that I don't really understand the concept of 'throwing your marriage away' by refusing to tolerate your H's lying, cheating and utter disrespect for you. As PPs have said, he's the one who's thrown away your trust and trampled all over your feelings and your relationship together. And leaving him wouldn't somehow cancel out all the years you spent together. The memories of when your marriage was happy and loving will still exist. The children you made together still exist. Leaving him doesn't somehow make all the time you spent together suddenly worthless. You keep repeating that you can't leave a nearly 30-year marriage and I genuinely don't understand why.

And as another PP said, google 'sunk cost fallacy'.

I say this with kindness @Strawberrina , as someone that's lived it, that 30 year marriage Is gone. You won't just hear that from me you'll hear it from hundreds of women who've successfully reconciled after an affair.
If what you want is reconciliation then you'll have no judgement from me of course. But be aware that what you'll be doing is building something totally new, but it's much harder because you start from a trust deficit. It's totally possible if you're both committed and you know your boundaries but staying because you don't want to throw a long marriage is not the reason to stay - he threw that away already.

He doesn't leave you because he has his wifey/mummy at home taking care of him while he is able to go fuck someone else whenever he wants to. He gets to come home to his cozy home life and then when he is feeling horny he goes off with OW for all the sex he wants. She is content to be his sex partner on the side that he wines and dines and buys gifts for. She doesn't have to do his wash, cook for him, or listen to him snore at night. She gets sex and money and you get all the worse domestic responsibilities. OW has a great deal here and so does he. And you are letting it happen telling yourself this is a great marriage and love. It's not.

OP, you are so wrapped up in this stupid man it is sickening. I think you just like your posh life to much to give it up. So be it, but stop asking the same questions over and over trying to find absolution. There is none for your awful marriage that is nothing more than a piece of paper because this is not a good marriage. Your husband cheated on you and disregarded your physical and emotional health while carrying on an affair. It deserves to be thrown away. It is tainted and tarnished and completely broken.

You can't love someone and destroy their trust and happiness. He doesn't give a fuck about you. Right now you make his life easy. The minute you don't he will leave you devastated. Have some self esteem and kick his sorry arse out. No one can be this naive and gullible. Wake up before he leaves you with nothing.

Because he wants your money for this next phase of his life, Op.

Because divorce is expensive and stressful and he has already proven that he sees nothing morally wrong with being married and getting his needs met elsewhere.

There is no advantage to him getting divorced if he has a wife who is happy to turn a blind eye.

He’s had 5 months and no real actions let’s face it OP, he’s not trying hard enough to prove anything. He’s no going to resign, and he’s had a cushty time to “reconnect”

Get serious and get him gone. She is not the issue.

Why do you think he hasn't?

I can’t believe this thread is still going and the op has taken not one piece of advice onboard and acted on it.
You obviously are happy with the situation op, you’re happy to put with with this shit, not only that, you’re happy to fund him.
Until you realise someone that loves you does not have affairs you’re going to be living a pretty rubbish life.
Yes he’s not left you, but only because he had no reason to, he’s having his cake and eating it.
If you really think you’ve won just because he’s not left I think you’re being delusional and going by what you’re saying on this thread, happy to life like this.
That is totally your choice but you have to appreciate your husband is only with you because you are being a doormat, not out of love

@PineConeOrDogPoo Well, I'd like to think it's because he values our marriage and our family more than a four-month fling with a coworker.

Having said that, I've read the replies from the previous posters to this question and have a lot to think about...

How have you not understood yet that if he valued your marriage and family he wouldn’t have had an affair in the first place?

He has stayed because you have rolled over and let him. It’s much easier for him not to have to disrupt his life by divorcing you and having to move house. He’s also got the huge bonus of not having to work whilst you bank roll him!

And the reason his bit on the side never left the company they both worked at is because he was still seeing her. If he’d ended it there’s a high chance things would have got nasty and uncomfortable and she would have left.

Where is your anger and fire and self respect in all of this?