Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

So let me get this straight.

You came here for advice and were given plenty of good advice including getting actual professional advice from a legal expert.

You've taken none of the advice, including speaking to a lawyer and have instead decided that everything is fine, your husband is totally trustworthy now and you're going to be the sole breadwinner for "a year" (let's face it it'll probably be longer) while he dicks around pretending to start a business.

Has he done any preliminary work towards this? Budgeting, contacts ANYTHING?

@Elliania He saw a financial planner after he went on his long service leave in late August, but as far as his new business is concerned, he hasn't done any preliminary work towards it yet.

Why does he need to wait a year to start? Is there professional or contractual restrictions?

I think a lot of posters acknowledge your H is very intelligent and likely aware of his financial position. He has proven himself a liar and has the capacity to betray. If you feel you can forgive him and trust him again then that is your choice. But posters want to make sure you have all the facts rather than blindly accepting what he says as truth, in case later on down the line you find that he’s been planning everything carefully to leave you.

I hope that doesn’t happen and do feel you get a hard time on MN. But a lot of things don’t make sense and you seem unwilling to do anything to help yourself. Perhaps it’s because you have left out key details so you don’t reveal too much identifying information. But you need to understand his plan and motive and make sure it’s genuine. You need to be careful with him.

So he's had one meeting with a financial planner (why weren't you in that meeting, it's going to affect your lifestyle too) as a sop to your marriage but other than that he's done absolutely nothing. I can't see this working out but good luck to you I guess.

Is he going to be taking a more active role in the house? I know you said he was going to do renovations but is he going to start taking on more of the day to day load?

No, he's going to have more time to shag his affair partner while @Strawberrina pays for him to stay at home. If @Strawberrina is really lucky she'll get to pay him spousal maintenance and a bigger postion on the equity in the property when she eventually does divorce him because he won't have any means to support himself. In the meantime she can play spot the hair and check whose been sleeping in her bed like one of the 3 bears.

Honestly, @Strawberrina I don't know what your thinking. I hope it works out for you but I know realistically you are going to get screwed over.

Not sure why my post was deleted for making the suggestion that this entire thread is like some kind of bizarre social experiment. I don’t even think I’m the most reactionary of people but come on, who could live like this?

@Elliania Yes, definitely, he has been doing the lion's share of the chores. Especially now that I'm back at work and he is still formally on his long service leave.

Cleaning up the evidence of him having the OW before you get home, probably.

Has he submitted his resignation?

Oh I take it back, so long as he’s doing the chores eh. Fucking Hell. 🙄

So OP is back at work, and cheating H is at home by himself all day for the next few weeks till his 'long service leave' is over. That doesn't in any way at all sound like a recipe for disaster, does it. He hasn't handed in his resignation, and he's done nothing at all about setting up his much-vaunted new business except for seeing a financial planner a few months ago. So when his service leave is over, OP, what then? What are you going to do? What is he going to do?

If this guy hands in his resignation I will eat my hat. OP he’s not wanting to give you half your assets cause he knows the payout will be HUGE. He’s playing you like an absolute fiddle here. Your life is now the comfortable lady indoors while he does whatever the feck he likes with women half his age until he’s too old to keep it up. He’s taking you for an absolute fool and you need to wake up. You’ll be wealthy if you leave him, for a single lady in her 50s. Cut your losses and go find someone worthy to see your days out with. You’re a victim here of a sunk cost fallacy. It’s been a good run but it’s time to move on. Don’t waste years on him going forward and for Christ sake WAKE UP! Even if you do decide to stay, at least do it with your eyes open, sorry to be blunt but your naïvety here is astounding.

Op if h hands in his notice guessing he'll work his notice maybe 4 weeks if not 8 weeks notice so he'll be back in the office for this time as he has used up any annual leave,

How will that work for you both op, what if they offer him a package to good to leave, have you had a conversation about this,

@Strawberrina I’ve only just come across your thread and have read all of your updates from beginning to end. I’m honestly shell shocked that you are being so naive to this whole situation.

Even if your husband won’t bother going to therapy you would do well to go yourself so you can open your eyes to what’s really happened and how you’ve just allowed this man to get away with it all.

Im questioning if this is even a real thread or if you’ve just made up this story and are carrying it on for the attention because it’s pretty unbelievable that someone could have their head in the sand for so long.

I have read through your replies and gone from feeling extreme sympathy to now thinking you are one of the stupidest people to walk this planet.
What the fuck are you thinking? He has shit on you from a great height, not once but twice, took the absolute piss out of you and not only have you not fucked him off into the furthest corner of fuck but you have rewarded him by supporting him while he attempts to 'start a business'
Don't fucking tell me he supported you as a SAHM, this benefitted him too.
Where the fuck is your self respect? He is most likely doing fuck all to start a business and instead spending the time you're out at work supporting him shagging the woman he never stopped shagging in the first place.
Fucking wake up.

Hi @summitfever thanks for your comment. I know I'll be alright financially on my own, with a FT job that pays well and a house. It's the idea of throwing away almost a 30-year marriage that I struggle with. We've been through so much together as a couple to get where we are now and I'll be throwing all of that away if I leave him.

Didn’t he throw all that away when he cheated on you and then continued to do so even when you found out? You hold your relationship and the years you spent together in high regard. He didn’t.

Hasn't he already thrown it away though? You can't 'hang on' to a marriage unilaterally, however much you might want to.

It sounds a lot like you are fighting for something that doesn't exist. Something you wish existed; a great 30 year marriage with a faithful man that would always put you and your family first. Except that's not what you have got; you've got a cheater who loves himself more than he loves you. I am sorry, I know thast must be hard to accept.

You absolutely wouldn't be throwing away 30 years, he already did that. The marriage you had (or thought you had) is gone. This is on him, not you.

Some people are just hoarders and cannot throw anything away, even empty cans. It doesn’t mean it’s worth keeping, just that they see things differently.

Not sure if I agree with this analogy, but thanks for your post @3luckystars.

You haven't thrown away anything. He throw away your 30 years of marriage with every lie, every clandestine meet up, every intimate moment. Your marriage is dead.