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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Original poster

fairydustforme · 23/05/2025 06:32

Pinned

I think I can now update this thread, although even if he sees it I don’t actually care.

Since everything kicked off we’ve pretty much been at loggerheads. I pushed for answers and he retracted further and further away. To start off with he wanted space for things to calm down to then see how he feels, but leaving me in limbo like that meant I pushed more for clarity. It’s ended up with him wanting to separate due to various different reasons, but the main one is he feels that there is now so much negativity between us that too much has been said & happened. We’ve not really argued, but it has been so hard to get him to talk and open up. He’s said that he’s not been happy for a while, which is news to me as just before this all happened he was excited about going away on holiday for my birthday and was still very much planning for the future.

What has happened though is that he’s become further & further distant, his communication when we’re apart is now non existent, and he states that we have nothing to talk about, yet when we’re around each other he’s still affectionate & loving. He’s said he doesn’t want to move out yet, and we’ve discussed him leaving at the end of the summer once we’ve sorted the finances out, yet he’s said that he’s happy to stay, doesn’t want to leave, and he’ll make his decision when it comes to it. Although this changes on a daily basis, and when he’s away from work he comes home and purposely tries to antagonise me. He always gets in very late or early hours (this is normal) and will wake me up by saying something, then once I’m awake try and go to sleep and accuse me of keeping him awake. He came back last night and woke me to tell me he’ll sleep in the spare bed, yet we’ve had numerous conversations about us still sharing a bed whilst we’re in this place. He’ll throw comments like he wants to date other people, then will back track and say he doesn’t want to do that just yet.

The biggest problem I have is around sex. I’m not particularly emotional when it comes to sex, I can sleep with him and not read anything into it. We always had an incredible sex life, and I was more than happy to sleep with each other whilst we remain living together so that neither of us were sleeping with other people, as neither of us are in a position to drag someone else into this mess. Over the past few weeks he said that we shouldn’t sleep together anymore, it’s too complicated for him and it didn’t feel right. The very next day he wanted to have sex, but refused to ‘finish’ anywhere else but anally. He is very aware I’m not a fan of anal sex. Another couple of days after he again wanted sex and this time forced me to do anal with him. I asked him to stop and I was crying, but he wouldn’t stop. I brought it up with him the next day and he tried to tell me that we’ve always been playful with saying no when I don’t mean it, and that he could tell I was enjoying it by the end. This is not the case. I was in pain the next day and told him I felt weird about what happened. A few times he has tried to deep throat me to the point of gagging, and today after a very emotional chat announced that we could have no strings sex but he then decided to pin me down and finish all over my face, something he’s never done before and he knows I would not be ok about it. I feel utterly humiliated and dare I say it abused. I don’t know whether to do anything or say anything about what he’s been doing to me. There is no one in real life I’d dare tell this to.

I’m almost having an out of body experience, I’m usually so strong and composed, but this has turned me into a wreck. Everytime he says something that is rejecting me or our relationship, I get triggered into this state of fear and panic. I can’t function properly day to day, and every area of my life feels awful. I’m so down and low. When he’s not around I feel ok, but I don’t want to tell him to go before the finances are sorted as I know I’ll struggle to do everything and pay everything. I’m so tired of all of this. I don’t feel I deserve to be treated like this, but I don’t currently have the strength to change the situation. I just feel lost & in fear about my future. There’s so much more I could say, but my brain is struggling to remember everything that is going on.

endofthelinefinally · 09/04/2025 08:14

Huge red flag. I guess you could consider couples counselling, but it sounds as if it has gone beyond that now.

shellyleppard · 09/04/2025 08:14

Op who would be left holding the baby if he changes his mind? Sorry but he doesn't sound that reliable. . Sending hugs 🫂💐🙏

GarrynotsoGorilla · 09/04/2025 08:16

@fairydustforme You poor thing, what a vile pig you have ended up with. For all he knows it it likely his sperm that could be the reason you are not convincing! Consider yourself lucky to have found this out now about him before you go ahead and have a child with him.
Genuinely any man who cannot be understanding about fertility challenges is not worth being with. Grieve for what you thought you had and move on and find someone who is genuinely kind, caring and loving. Not some grumpy unrealistic high maintenance idiot. Good luck x

Original poster
fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

OP posts:
Shirtless · 09/04/2025 08:26

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

He’s seen you as not being a pushover who said ‘Yes, dear, of course go and deposit your wondrous sperm in the nearest fertile younger woman you can bag’?

shellyleppard · 09/04/2025 08:28

I'd be showing him the door, let his "supersperm" find another victim. He sounds horrible, absolutely horrible

BlueBrush · 09/04/2025 08:29

He is viewing fertility issues entirely in terms of something that the woman "can or can't do", with no acknowledgment that he could have a fertility issue - maybe it's him that "can't get you pregnant". That's a pretty backward "Henry VIII" way of thinking about it!

He's also not giving any consideration to your feelings here.

And he's made it very clear that becoming a father is more important to him than being with you.

He just doesn't sound as if he considers you and him as part of a team.

RatedDoingMagic · 09/04/2025 08:32

Someone whose affection is conditional and transactional like that would make a terrible father. Get rid asap. He has only seemed nice up till noe because it's been easy. A real partner is there just as much when things get tough, not distancing themselves and planning when to exit.

BlueBrush · 09/04/2025 08:32

Posted before I saw your update, but I think my point still stands. Tests didn't reveal any issues with either of you, therefore it must be you.

I know that infertility can be really hard for a couple, but you either pull together as a team or you don't, and it sounds like he's already checking out.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 08:33

Are you actually having unprotected sex and you haven't got pregnant? Or are you still using contraception but worried that you might not get pregnant because of your age?

You already have a teenage son, how much do you want another baby?

On the one hand, I think there's a pretty high chance that you can get pregnant and have another baby, especially if you start TTC now, and then I suppose in theory your partner will get to be a biological father and you can all live happily ever after.

On the other hand, being with someone who had said they would end our relationship if I couldn't give him a baby would really bother me. It would make me feel as though I was not enough, and that he only wanted to be with me for my uterus, not for any other reason.

My husband wanted to be a biological father as well. When we started TTC I had five miscarriages in a row. We talked about IVF and adoption, but never once did he suggest leaving me and finding a younger woman to have kids with.

Smellslikeburnttoat · 09/04/2025 08:34

OP YOU ARE NOT A HANDMAIDEN. Do you feel safe to leave this vile man?

GCAcademic · 09/04/2025 08:36

This is such outrageous behaviour that I'm wondering whether what he is saying is actually the truth of the matter, or whether he is behaving so badly as he wants you to call time on the relationship (for other reasons).

Swampdonkey123 · 09/04/2025 08:36

The sudden change in attitude makes me wonder if he has already found the youthful receptacle for his wonder sperm. Regardless you deserve better OP. What happens if you have a baby, and it is not how he imagined? Will he actually stick around and deal with it then, or will he be running for the hills? He's certainly shown that you can't trust him when things get difficult.

WonderingWanda · 09/04/2025 08:38

Whilst it might be reasonable for him to have feelings about the prospect of not becoming a biological parent his way of handling this and approach to it speaks volumes of how little he actually cares for you. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you then his first approach might've been, we've been trying for a while and it's now working, do you think it's the right time to explore if now? Rather than declaring you must be the problem and that he needs to find a younger woman. What a nasty prick. Please get rid of him and move on with your life.

RealEagle · 09/04/2025 08:38

Has he already found someone ?

NaiceBalonz · 09/04/2025 08:40

That's psychotic of him. I'm sorry, but all he sees you as is a bloody broodmare. If after 2 and a half years he's comfortable saying that.. well that's what he thinks of you as I'm afraid.

I found out I couldn't have children and do you know what my partner did? Stayed with me throughout fertility treatment, then donor treatment, because he wasn't an absolute monster.

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 08:41

Oh god. Well the relationship is over isn't it? Definitely stop trying to get pregnant with him, it would be a terrible idea.

category12 · 09/04/2025 08:43

he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere.

What? 😫

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:43

shellyleppard · 09/04/2025 08:28

I'd be showing him the door, let his "supersperm" find another victim. He sounds horrible, absolutely horrible

Edit...missed update.

Scrubbingblinds · 09/04/2025 08:44

RealEagle · 09/04/2025 08:38

Has he already found someone ?

This was my first thought, given that he had been colder rather than pushing to try right now. To me it sounds like he has already met someone younger. I really hope this doesn't happen OP but prepare yourself that there could be a pregnancy announcement too.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:44

Whilst he may have gone about this the wrong way, can you not understand that this is someone who wants his own child? If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who was desperate for a child and told her DP that she might consider looking for someone else in order to do so would people be more understanding? Or would they be saying she should forget it and stay with him even if it meant remaining childless?
Sadly, the desire to have one’s own child sometimes leads to relationships breaking up.

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:44

Ah OK I missed that.ill delete my last post.

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 08:44

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:43

Edit...missed update.

Edited
Show quote history

Where have you seen posters telling women to leave their husbands if they are infertile? And to tell their husbands that they will leave if the husband can't give them a child?

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 08:46

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:44

Whilst he may have gone about this the wrong way, can you not understand that this is someone who wants his own child? If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who was desperate for a child and told her DP that she might consider looking for someone else in order to do so would people be more understanding? Or would they be saying she should forget it and stay with him even if it meant remaining childless?
Sadly, the desire to have one’s own child sometimes leads to relationships breaking up.

Any woman who tells her husband that she will leave him if he can't get her pregnant is a total bitch, yes. That's not to say she shouldn't end the relationship and look for someone else if that's her choice but there is a sensitive and respectful way to approach this and there is also being a shit. OP's partner is a shit.

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 09/04/2025 08:46

Listen to what he is saying to you. He no longer sees his future with you. You are too old for him to have children with.

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