He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

So glad you’ve found the strength to cut this man off. Abusers are skilled at making their victims feel protective of them but he absolutely deserves to experience the consequences of his actions.

Good for you OP, all power to your elbow

OP, I wish you healing and a new beginning.
We read about a lot of awful men on mumsnet but the abuse you suffered is some of the worst I've read about.

This man needs to be locked away so never feel guilty for reporting him.

Well done Op, for you, your child and any other woman he tries to hurt in the future. Money can be made back, your safety and peace are far far more important. It must have been a big step telling your family and making it ‘real’- I hope they give you lots of real life love and support now.

It’s absolutely right to report him - whatever job he’s doing now there will be a good reason they don’t want someone of his character and morals doing it. He’s a dangerous man and his work place needs to know that. With Clare’s Law any future woman he preys on would also be able to find out and protect herself from him aswell.

This is the time abusers can be most dangerous, so as soon as you’re feeling you can do crack on and report if so that you have some protection.

We’re right behind you brave lady, sending much love and strength.

Well done @fairydustforme such a big step telling people so you’ve been really brave!

You have made the right decision, @fairydustforme. We are all rooting for you.

@fairydustforme well done for taking the bull by the horns!! the financial side will all be sorted, you just need a solicitor to distinguish the his/hers part. you and your dc will be much better off. more power to you xxx/

Well done @fairydustforme you’ve been incredibly brave.

Do you jointly own your home? If so, you can’t legally kick him out so he could return. Speak to a solicitor about a non mol or occupation order -whatever might apply in your circumstances. Even the threat of it might be enough to keep him away.
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-violence-protection-orders/#:~:text=Occupation%20orders%20specify%20who%20can,a%20certain%20distance%20of%20it.
Keep going 💛

Thank God you are reporting this seriously deranged rapist.

You poor woman what you have been put through.

With all the corruption and bad behaviour that is tolerated in the police force, for him to have been barred, without testimony, means his case was very serious.

This is a very dangerous man.

So his mum came over last night to basically warn me that if I do anything to ruin his life then they will make life very hard for me.

she did say that she’s spoken to him and asked if there is anyone else, and he’s said that he’s recently met someone at work and have been talking to her, but it’s only been over the past couple of weeks, so everyone was right…stunk of OW from day one!

He’s still blocked on everything, but I’ve noticed he’s blocked me in return, so it’s just now very sour and unamicable .

This thread is helping me lots. I don’t want a war as I’m already dealing with so much. So I’m going to put all my energy into my son, my life, my health and my businesses

@fairydustforme at this point, I would be reporting this threatening behaviour and the abuse from him to the police!! he didnt care about ruining your life!! block his family too. can you sell the house and move

@fairydustforme how can they make life difficult for you? Does she mean in terms of the financial ties with the property, reputation or physical violence? Did you tell her what her son did to you? That he’s a rapist and an abuser? She must know this in order to feel the need to threaten you, in which case she is disgusting for trying to protect him.

It would be wise to talk to the police, you don’t have to press charges but at least there is then a record of what has happened, this might be useful down the line if something else happens or you do want to press charges once you’ve finished separating your financial ties. Not that it’s your responsibility but it does also mea for any future partner of his who might make a clares law request there would be info that might help protect them.

ultimately you need to do whatever it is that is going to be the safest for you and your son. As much as we’d all love for him to face the consequences of his actions that shouldn’t be at the detriment to your own wellbeing.

It makes sense that there’s an OW, his initial behaviour was extremely bizarre otherwise but it makes no difference to where you find yourself now. It probably stings but at least it means he’s not going to be trying to get you back.

That's shocking . His awful mother. You shouldn't let any of them in your home. And film or record if you do.
He will obviously go on to be abusive to other women.

It's terrible how many families enable this behaviour. I bet he asked his mum to speak to you to stop you going to the police. And tried to make out you are lying because angry he has another women.

@fairydustforme id be so angry ! How dare she threaten you . The apple doesn’t fall far does it .

Report them both. Did you ask her if she was threatening you ?

For your own protection you need to report this and his mother to the police. You should also speak to your GP and log the rape, sexual assault and abuse with them.

You don’t need to press charges but getting this logged somewhere so that if it gets nastier you’ve got a record of his behaviour and his Mum’s. Can you get anything in writing (text etc) from his mum restating her threats, so that you can report them? Ie; message her and ask her what she plans to do if you report him and hope she confirms in writing etc.

To be honest, attack might be the best form of defence here.

His mum’s behaviour is appalling - protecting her rapist son. And his OW latest victim (very unlikely to only have been speaking for a couple of weeks) is at the start of the same horrific journey your on, don’t feel jealous of her Op, feel very very sorry and afraid for her.

Get an STI check up Op. He’s almost certainly not been only chatting. If you’ve got any STIs report that to the GP too.

Well done.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but he absolutely is a controlling rapist. He's been playing mind games with you for ages.

Please get good legal advice as soon as you can. You need him barred from your home. He's dangerous.

Well, now we know why his previous girlfriend didn’t press charges with the police. He got his henchwoman mother to threaten her. I wonder how many more times this has happened.
I hope you’re ok @fairydustforme you must be bloody fuming.

Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree then. What a hideous hideous pair.

@NZDreaming has very good advice. But this is a terrible update OP. Please, today, go to your GP because you need physical and emotional support. Then please please talk to one of the amazing women's or rape charities to get advice. Let them help you. I understand how you might feel scared to seek police help but agree with others that this behaviour from him and his mother needs to be officially recoded and do not let anyone in your house again. Also, legal advice to untangle him from your assets.

One step at a time. You can do this. You are stronger, smarter, and more resilient than him. Keep going x

Thanks for all of the advice, but for now I just want to pour all my energy into my son, my well being, my businesses and my life. I plan on being the best version of myself - happy, healthy and calm. I’ve lived in an anxious state for weeks now and my body and soul needs peace.

I last contacted him to tell him that I’d be seeking legal advice about the finances, that he will never hear from myself or my son again, and that he is to respect my wishes and leave us be….what did he do today, start contacting my son!

I can see what type of people they are, and whoever said the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree is spot in. She’s quite a harsh woman, with very little emotion or softness. They’ve been raised very differently to me, and I don’t intend on letting their poisonous ways seep into us.

A life well lived is all the revenge I need to get.

OP, your 23 May update outweighs everything else. Cut off all contact with this abuser and his aggressive mother as fast as possible.

he wanted to have sex, but refused to ‘finish’ anywhere else but anally. He is very aware I’m not a fan of anal sex. Another couple of days after, he …forced me to do anal with him. I asked him to stop and I was crying, but he wouldn’t stop. … A few times he has tried to deep throat me to the point of gagging, and today … he then decided to pin me down and finish all over my face

This changes everything. He clearly sees you as a bit of defective equipment and intends to ‘get his money’s worth’ while he still has the use of your body. Nothing could make up for his behaviour.

At least you know that in breaking up with him you haven’t lost anything worth having.

Only you can decide what to do in terms of whether to report him or not. But please be aware, the reality of what he has done to you may not hit you fully for some time. Be prepared that when it does hit, it may hit like a tonne of bricks and really impact you mentally & emotionally. He’s a rapist and he’s caused you so much trauma, trauma that you may not even fully feel yet. Be open to seeking therapy down the line should you need to.
You’re so strong and so brave, I hope you have a support network around you… Sending love to you x

Fully understand your feelings around not wanting to report this to the police now. I would advise you to speak to your GP or Womens aid and get them to document everything you've told us.
Also reasons around not feeling ready to support a prosecution. This will log what happened "at the time" and be really useful if you do change your mind and want to pursue the justice you deserve in the future.
Sending strength to you my lovely xx

He’s lost his job.

I didn’t report him. I did however message the OW to say she was going to get dragged into a mess due to us still having so many ties. His work dismissed him for creating drama & negativity. Does seem harsh, but also feels like karma in this case. He has sworn that nothing ever happened and they only exchanged a few messages.

He has now moved out. He’s left me to deal with all finances, removed his outgoings from our joint account and refuses to put any money in. Initially stated he won’t have anything more to do with me or this place, but has since softened and said he will help to finish some jobs that need doing. He is devastated to lose his job and does seem very down. I can’t help but feel bad, even though I actually did very little wrong.

Although he created this whole situation, I do feel like it’s just one big mess.

You need to draw on the support around you, and he needs to lie in the miserable bed he has made for himself.

Please don’t bring him back to do jobs. Or anything else op, it is time to sever your ties and start being practical and cold hearted. You have your finances to sort out, your future. You don’t have time to hear him feeling down!!! That’s his problem. Focus entirely on securing your future, you have indulged this awful man for far too long.

He was sacked because he is trouble. Please view him the same. Damaged goods that risk infecting and ruining your life.