He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

How dare he get involved with you ,then make you feel this way. Absolutely awful man. Think you have a lucky escape, and you have your boy too. You are already a mother and valued. Sorry to hear that he has selfishly made you feel that way.

I think, with the way he's approached this, I would advise escorting him out of your life rather than trying to discuss IVF further.

He's 35 old, enough to have handled this better. Im sorry to say but I wouldn't be too surprised if the cooling off isn't because he's got some interest elsewhere. You've offered a discussion about IVF which he has ignored, he was already talking about on a younger woman, whether that's a particular one or in the abstract. (Can I bet my house the words 'i'm just being honest' were used?)

Sorry but I think he knows what he wants and he's got one foot out of the door already. I'd see a solicitor and wave him off. I wouldn't wait until it gets messy. Sorry to say.

Big Red Flag.
He isn't going to be a good father.
He isn't going to be a good husband.
Exit, pronto.

Your body is giving you a heads-up. He isn't compatible with you. Leave, and be open to finding someone who is. And if motherhood is important to you, then you do have other options, without a partner if necessary. But not him.

OP, be glad this arsehole has showed you who he really is, awful.

Protect yourself and take his mask slipping very seriously.

No way someone who genuinely loves you behaves like this.

I agree with posters that it's possible there's someone else.

If there really isn't; he was committed before because he thought - due your proven fertility and the fact that you two weren't trying for long; that it would happen sooner or later. Now that you two have passed over 2 years without a pregnancy; he's thinking it may well never happen.

Sounds like he's also hit his bio clock whereas he hadn't really before.

He sounds like - if there's really no-one else - he doesn't want to try IVF or use donor eggs.

You already have a child so you won't get it on the NHS, I think (?) Your age many also rule you out of some NHS trusts (?)
You'd have to trump up the money .... expensive, not guaranteed success and you two are only just recovering from big financial outlay.

He's probably aware of all that.

He's also probably looked at the success rates of women 39/40 and onwards with their own eggs for IVF.

Using a donor is probably going to make it more expensive.

He's being very "pragmatic" and ruthless.
You better get that way too.

I suspect he’s already identified the younger fertile woman he plans to get pregnant whilst you support him.

I’m sorry that he’s behaving so appallingly. His cruel comments make it pretty clear you don’t have a future regardless of your fertility status.

that said I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave a partner if you want DC and they can’t.

Lucky you, he's revealed his inner arsehole and you can dump him! Don't get pregnant with him fgs.

This must have come as a dreadful shock, especially given the precarious position you are in having taken on the project.

I don’t think I would want to have a child with someone who has handled this the way he has. I can’t help but wonder if the distancing and sudden ultimatum have underlying reasons. Maybe the reality of the project he has committed to.

Sadly, I think you need to try to detach somewhat yourself and have a businesslike conversation with him. Ask him what his time line is for leaving you and what he intends to do about completing the project or minimising your losses if he is going to renege on his commitment to it.

Someone whose affection is conditional and transactional like that would make a terrible father.

This. He clearly has some issues. If you had a baby, what might he find wanting in his child a few years on, which makes him walk away?

He's clearly not committed to you, so you need to call time on this relationship.

For him to change so suddenly, I think he's had his head turned by a younger woman sorry.

I believe even if you fell pregnant tomorrow, it won't make him happy.

He doesn't sound very nice and I would be preparing for a future without him.

It's reasonable if they don't want children. It's unreasonable if they can't have them. Especially when OP has offered to go down the IVF route but he's refused to discuss it.

Posts like this make me see the wisdom of the old way of doing things. First you get married. Then you see if children come along, or not. Whether they do or not, you are married to each other and that is a lifelong commitment. It isn’t contingent on children.

I agree with others, he's emotionally checked out of the relationship. My guess is there's possibly a younger woman waiting in the wings. Fertility is never guaranteed at any age, but statistically a younger woman has more chance of conceiving. The fact he's not prepared to go down the IVF route, suggests, he's not committed and isn't interested in making an effort for that all important biological child with YOU. It's almost that he's decided he wants a biological child, and any woman will do, just as long as she's able to conceive naturally. He's suddenly become cold, distant, and emotionally detached, whereas before he wasn't - again suggests he has another woman. I understand that people can change their mind, and he has decided he definitely wants a biological child. It's the way he's gone about telling you. You're ment to be in a relationship, having a baby is not a business transaction! Honestly, this is the end of the road for the relationship. It's not changing his mind, that's the issue, it's his attitude towards you, that's a big huge red flag. It's all your fault, there's no baby. He's clinical, no emotion, all about him and his needs. Detangle yourself from him financially and property and let him go. Be grateful you have seen his true colours, before you became pregnant.

you are married to each other and that is a lifelong commitment.

About half of marriages in the UK end in divorce.

There is no longer any security or commitment in marriage.

I have seen other threads saying that when a woman wants a child and the husband doesn't the options are sperm donor and leave him. I don't see why this is getting such a negative reaction, its better that he's honest about what's important to him, it's perfectly valid to want children and for that to be a deal breaker when deciding on a lifelong relationship.

Of course there's security, it's a legal contract. The lower earner gets security if the marriage fails.

Get him out of the door now, you should be relieved he has shown his true colours before you have had a child.

I know 'LTB ' isn't as easy as people make out on here, but you should also check out of this relationship and for the love of god stop trying for a baby with him.

Like others have said, the honoured future recipient of his magnificent sperm has probably already been identified, so watch out for that.

I have seen other threads saying that when a woman wants a child and the husband doesn't the options are sperm donor and leave him

That's not the equivalent of this scenario.

As many posters have pointed out already.

Only read the first few posts but I'm shocked at the animosity towards this man. We have seen loads of posts on here over the years from women desperately wanting a baby but their partner can't or won't. These women get loads of sympathy and lots of advice to leave, find someone else or even have a baby alone. You only get one life etc.
This man clearly wants children above all else, including you OP. I would sit down, have a full cards on table discussion with him that this might never happen with you (or anyone else frankly) and see where you both want to go from there.
How things work out best for both of you OP.

Having seen 2 different very elderly women repeatedly talking about how sad they were that they never managed to have children I don't think this is necessarily right. It seemed such a huge sadness to them even in their late 80s.
If someone feels very strongly about it and its at all possible it's a huge thing to miss in life. Neither really spoke about their husbands often.

I wasn't referring to any financial settlement.... I was referring to how likely either person is to end the marriage.

The poster I was replying to was saying that married people would stay together in spite of fertility problems, because they're married .

They wouldn't.

That was my point.

The outcome is the same

Gosh OP, I’d be saying “fuck that for a game of soldiers” and ending things now. It sounds like he has his eye on someone else and is using this “biological child” thing as an excuse.
If it’s genuine then as others have said, you don’t want someone who makes this so transactional.
What if you have a baby but it isn’t “perfect”, will he leave you then?
Life isn’t always rainbows and giggles and you want someone who will stand by you in the hard times as well as the good.

I wouldn't normally comment on a thread like this as I don't have children so I don't normally feel I should. But I have to come here to say this man views your entire worth through your baby making abilities. You are just a walking womb to him now, and if you're not fulfilling that worth then he sees you as useless. It's like nothing else about your entire personality or being means anything to him. I 100% could not continue with someone like that. The future you'd imagined with this man is lost anyway, no matter what happens now, because he is not the person you thought he was and he doesn't respect you as a person. You are just a womb to him!

I know lots of couples who have had trouble conceiving and have gone down various routes to start a family. But they still saw their partners as a fully rounded human beings, not just a means to get a baby!

I agree with others who say it sounds like he wants out of the relationship. If he truly wanted a child then surely he would jump at IVF? He’s been distant for a while and the comment of he’s seen you in a different light sounds like he’s looking for an excuse to end it and blame you.

I would seriously consider having a child with this man. Who would be left caring for a newborn when he decides it’s all too much work?