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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:47

NaiceBalonz · 09/04/2025 08:40

That's psychotic of him. I'm sorry, but all he sees you as is a bloody broodmare. If after 2 and a half years he's comfortable saying that.. well that's what he thinks of you as I'm afraid.

I found out I couldn't have children and do you know what my partner did? Stayed with me throughout fertility treatment, then donor treatment, because he wasn't an absolute monster.

But your desire to have a child was so strong that you went through complex medical procedures to do so. Did you see your DH as some kind of sperm donor at the time?
This man is desperate to have a child - maybe as desperate as you were. Have some empathy!

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:47

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 08:44

Where have you seen posters telling women to leave their husbands if they are infertile? And to tell their husbands that they will leave if the husband can't give them a child?

Show quote history

Many of them

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 08:48

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:47

Many of them

Show quote history

You have seen many posters telling women to tell their husbands they will leave them if they can't get them pregnant? I don't believe you

ETA advising women to leave their husbands if they won't consider trying for a child is a very different issue to advising them to leave if he's infertile!

SparklyBrickViper · 09/04/2025 08:49

LtB

Cynic17 · 09/04/2025 08:50

What a pillock! You would be much better off without him, OP, regardless of whether you have a child together.

NaiceBalonz · 09/04/2025 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Icedlatteplease · 09/04/2025 08:50

I suspect he already has someone in mind

endofthelinefinally · 09/04/2025 08:52

He is not a good man.

category12 · 09/04/2025 08:52

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:47

Many of them

Show quote history

I've seen threads where there's been advice to leave the male partner when they weren't on the same page about having children.

I've never seen them advised to leave when he was willing to try for kids.

Mulledjuice · 09/04/2025 08:53

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

The bar for "good" in sperm testing it phenomenally low. What is he doing to optimise his fertility?

How long have you been trying?

Viviennemary · 09/04/2025 08:54

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:44

Whilst he may have gone about this the wrong way, can you not understand that this is someone who wants his own child? If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who was desperate for a child and told her DP that she might consider looking for someone else in order to do so would people be more understanding? Or would they be saying she should forget it and stay with him even if it meant remaining childless?
Sadly, the desire to have one’s own child sometimes leads to relationships breaking up.

Exactly. The responses would be totally different if it was a woman leaving a man. But he has approached it in a cold and cruel way. Let him go.

StarCourt · 09/04/2025 08:54

Op please don’t have a child with him, your life will be miserable, plus imagine him having the same attitude he’s shown you, towards a child anytime he or she doesn’t meet his expectations. He does not sound like good dad material.

Natty13 · 09/04/2025 08:56

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:47

But your desire to have a child was so strong that you went through complex medical procedures to do so. Did you see your DH as some kind of sperm donor at the time?
This man is desperate to have a child - maybe as desperate as you were. Have some empathy!

Show quote history

Did you moss the part where he refuses to discuss options such as IVF and jumped straight to leaving the OP?

Looks like you are lacking in both the comprehension and the compassion departments 🙄

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 08:58

Viviennemary · 09/04/2025 08:54

Exactly. The responses would be totally different if it was a woman leaving a man. But he has approached it in a cold and cruel way. Let him go.

Show quote history

You think posters would say it's totally fine to threaten to leave a male partner if he can't get her pregnant just because the poster is a woman?

Original poster
fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:59

We’ve been having unprotected sex for 2 years and have been properly trying (having sexual during fertile period) for over a year. I do know it’s likely to be due to my age. But they couldn’t find anything wrong, I’m in perfect health, ideal weight etc.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 09/04/2025 08:59

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:43

Edit...missed update.

Edited
Show quote history

I just came here to say exactly this. I’ve seen countless posts with women receiving endless pages of support, telling her to leave/divorce her supportive and loving partner if she wants to have a baby.

I do think the way this man is treating you is appalling, he shouldn’t be cold or dismissive.
It is a horrible situation to be in OP and the way he is talking about it is awful. The urge is strong and not always rational for many.

Shirtless · 09/04/2025 08:59

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:44

Whilst he may have gone about this the wrong way, can you not understand that this is someone who wants his own child? If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who was desperate for a child and told her DP that she might consider looking for someone else in order to do so would people be more understanding? Or would they be saying she should forget it and stay with him even if it meant remaining childless?
Sadly, the desire to have one’s own child sometimes leads to relationships breaking up.

Absolutely it does. And absolutely it’s valid to change your mind and want to have children. What’s not ok is deciding this, telling your partner you’ll have to leave them if they can’t get pregnant and then being offhand and unpleasant and refusing to communicate about it, including when they offer to have IVF.

seasidesalt · 09/04/2025 09:02

You deserve better than this. This is screaming ‘walk away’. Aside from your own relationship, do you really want your son to hold similar views? If he sticks around, he will be a huge influence and perhaps not in a good way. I would be out of there.

user31908734289 · 09/04/2025 09:05

OP, think yourself lucky he’s shown his true colours before you’ve got a baby to deal with too!
What would happen if you had a child with disabilities, autism etc? Would he be supportive then? He’s perfectly within his rights to want his own child of course, but he doesn’t sound like he’d hang around if things were less than perfect. Lucky escape.

Catshaveiteasy · 09/04/2025 09:05

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:59

We’ve been having unprotected sex for 2 years and have been properly trying (having sexual during fertile period) for over a year. I do know it’s likely to be due to my age. But they couldn’t find anything wrong, I’m in perfect health, ideal weight etc.

Have you had tests to check egg health? It declines with age and they can become unviable at a much younger age than you are now at OP.

Having said that, it sounds irrelevant now given his attitude.

2chocolateoranges · 09/04/2025 09:06

After his comment about how he knows that he knows it would be easier with a younger woman then I’d be helping him pack his bags.

what a prick!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 09:09

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:59

We’ve been having unprotected sex for 2 years and have been properly trying (having sexual during fertile period) for over a year. I do know it’s likely to be due to my age. But they couldn’t find anything wrong, I’m in perfect health, ideal weight etc.

And how much do you want a baby?

RobertaFirmino · 09/04/2025 09:09

Run for the hills!

Growsomeballswoman · 09/04/2025 09:10

He sounds like Henry 8th

LePetitMaman · 09/04/2025 09:12

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:59

We’ve been having unprotected sex for 2 years and have been properly trying (having sexual during fertile period) for over a year. I do know it’s likely to be due to my age. But they couldn’t find anything wrong, I’m in perfect health, ideal weight etc.

What's all this "at one point previously he bought a ring?"

Are you engaged? Or did he find a way to not give you the ring as well.