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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Crazybaby123 · 09/04/2025 09:13

Hes being really hurtful and not taking your feelings into account at all. It is your body that will have to carry the pregnancy and go through any ivf treatments. He is just considering his own mental state.
I do have a friend that went through a house renovation project that broke their relationship too. It was the relentlessness of it I think.
I am not sure if I would want to be pregnant with someone that has pretty much said they will leave me if it doesnt work out. What if the baby was unwell, or had a disability, do you think he would stick it out. It sounds like he would walk away to find his perfect ideal family somewhere else.
I would make plans to let this man go.

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/04/2025 09:13

Mulledjuice · 09/04/2025 08:53

The bar for "good" in sperm testing it phenomenally low. What is he doing to optimise his fertility?

How long have you been trying?

Show quote history

And yet still not as low as it is for men in relationships.

OP he is setting it up for him to leave for a younger woman and to blame you for that.

LittleOwl153 · 09/04/2025 09:14

My suspicion would be that he has found the younger woman and is looking for a way to blame you so he doesn't feel.so guilty walking away from this huge project. ...

MaryGreenhill · 09/04/2025 09:15

God you really do not want to get pregnant with this man . Get rid OP.

Original poster
fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 09:16

LePetitMaman · 09/04/2025 09:12

What's all this "at one point previously he bought a ring?"

Are you engaged? Or did he find a way to not give you the ring as well.

Show quote history

When we’d only been together for around 6 months he bought a ring, showed it to me, we were going on holiday and he told me he would propose during the holiday. It all felt like I knew too much about it, and if I’m honest a little too soon at that point. We had a grown up conversation about it and I asked him to wait, do it so it was a surprise and with a ring I hadn’t seen.

We then bought a house, have taken on our current property, which meant our finances were very stretched and there was no spare money for a ring or a wedding. I was happy to wait as I didn’t question his commitment to me.

OP posts:
Pancakeorcrepe · 09/04/2025 09:16

Wow, he really wants to blame you for things, doesn’t he! You offered to try IVF and you’ve had unprotected sex for a while, it’s not like you are saying “no” to more children. You are trying everything you can!
I understand he wants children and I suppose the urge can be quite strong but I’m quite suspicious of the fact he then doesn’t want to discuss IVF and also the language he is using - it would be easier with a younger woman etc. That alone is a red flag

category12 · 09/04/2025 09:17

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 09:16

When we’d only been together for around 6 months he bought a ring, showed it to me, we were going on holiday and he told me he would propose during the holiday. It all felt like I knew too much about it, and if I’m honest a little too soon at that point. We had a grown up conversation about it and I asked him to wait, do it so it was a surprise and with a ring I hadn’t seen.

We then bought a house, have taken on our current property, which meant our finances were very stretched and there was no spare money for a ring or a wedding. I was happy to wait as I didn’t question his commitment to me.

Show quote history

Surely he still has the ring he bought?

Pigsears · 09/04/2025 09:18

Maybe- moved house, major project done, turned 35 ...and this is it now?

I'm not sure I'd want to get pregnant with him now tbh. I'd feel like a vessel for the child he wanted more than me. Whilst that may end up the dynamic, if for example you broke up after you fell pregnant, knowing that before conception - well, that would give me the ick.

pizzaHeart · 09/04/2025 09:18

GCAcademic · 09/04/2025 08:36

This is such outrageous behaviour that I'm wondering whether what he is saying is actually the truth of the matter, or whether he is behaving so badly as he wants you to call time on the relationship (for other reasons).

This^

CountFucula · 09/04/2025 09:18

This absolute scrote of a man does not sound like good father material. Keep this misogynist away from your 14 year old, he is clearly a cold hearted moron with a Tudor era attitude towards partners and conception. Off you fuck, poundshop Henry VIII.

Original poster
fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 09:19

category12 · 09/04/2025 09:17

Surely he still has the ring he bought?

Show quote history

No, he sold it. As I had already seen it I said I’d prefer one that was a surprise.

OP posts:
Itssofunny · 09/04/2025 09:19

If you want to get pregnant, I'd recommend the book 'Real Food For Fertility' by Lily Nichols. It's fully evidence based, backed by research, and goes in depth on how to improve sperm and egg health, how to best track ovulation, different fertility problems and how to mitigate them etc.

But to be honest, he doesn't sound like the right man to be a father. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP, you've got a difficult choice ahead of you.

takealettermsjones · 09/04/2025 09:20

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

He's seen you in a different light?!

Well good, maybe he'll fuck off before you have to waste your energy on kicking him out.

Honestly, OP, if it were me - I would get rid of him right now and just enjoy life with your DS. I do realise it's easier said than done and LTB is the buzz word around here. But that's absolutely what I would do.

Charmofgoldfinch · 09/04/2025 09:22

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

You are not the problem OP- having difficulty TTC isn’t a blame game it’s an issue you face together as a couple. It’s no one’s fault. Your DP’s attitude stinks - I’m sorry you are having to go through this - his comments are really hurtful.

Guistarry · 09/04/2025 09:23

He's gone the wrong way about it- changing the parameters of the relationship and treating you like that, but he's right, if being a biological father is that important to him then he should leave.

Minnie798 · 09/04/2025 09:24

His approach and attitude is disgusting and for that reason you should be showing him the door. I don't think it's wrong to know that you want biological children and to end a relationship if it isn't going to happen with that person. I would have done and know people who have. But the way he's going about it is just terrible.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 09:25

He's already talking about dumping future women who don't get pregnant for him right away. He's blaming women in his head if they don't get pregnant with his 'perfect sperm'.

This is not a great guy.

He's looking for an incubator.

I'd be looking for a way to sort your financial situation so you can get him out of your life quickly at this point.

Pigsears · 09/04/2025 09:26

I mean... It's an ultimatum- over something over which you have little control.

He wants a biological child more than he wants you.

That wouldn't work for me.

andfinallyhereweare · 09/04/2025 09:28

@fairydustforme given that he’s been distant for a while it sounds as if his head may have been turned and he’s using this as an excuse to detangle from you and your life…

Guistarry · 09/04/2025 09:28

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 09:25

He's already talking about dumping future women who don't get pregnant for him right away. He's blaming women in his head if they don't get pregnant with his 'perfect sperm'.

This is not a great guy.

He's looking for an incubator.

I'd be looking for a way to sort your financial situation so you can get him out of your life quickly at this point.

Some women do this too let's be real - plenty in their 30s settle with someone crap because they want a child.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 09/04/2025 09:29

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 09:16

When we’d only been together for around 6 months he bought a ring, showed it to me, we were going on holiday and he told me he would propose during the holiday. It all felt like I knew too much about it, and if I’m honest a little too soon at that point. We had a grown up conversation about it and I asked him to wait, do it so it was a surprise and with a ring I hadn’t seen.

We then bought a house, have taken on our current property, which meant our finances were very stretched and there was no spare money for a ring or a wedding. I was happy to wait as I didn’t question his commitment to me.

Show quote history

Who on earth buys a ring, shows it to you, and then says that he'll propose later? The whole point of showing your beloved the ring is that's the point when the proposal happens. Not 'Look, here's a ring - I might be proposing to you in due course'.

That would have been enough of a red flag to me, to be honest.

AthWat · 09/04/2025 09:32

From what you say, I'd side strongly with those who think this is just an excuse. The refusal to discuss IVF and the "I've seen you in a different light" comments absolutely make it sound like he's just using this as a way out of the relationship. He may not even want a child.

MaggieBsBoat · 09/04/2025 09:32

To be fair. Women are recommended to leave men who can’t/don’t want kids all the time. It sucks but at least you know now and can start concentrating on yourself rather than on producing a baby just for him!

Clearinguptheclutter · 09/04/2025 09:33

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.
He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that.

wow. There is no place for this man other than the door. I’m sorry Op.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 09:33

Sounds like the relationship is over with him behaving poorly, you calling him a cunt, and him threatening to dump you.
Best get the house on the market and enjoy life rid of the boyfriend.