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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 09/04/2025 10:06

FairlyTired · 09/04/2025 10:04

The outcome is the same

Show quote history

No, it isn't.

Because the op was willing to TTC and would have been willing to try IVF and perhaps use donor eggs : which would be very likely to be successful

So no, not the same as one partner not wanting children ....at all.

FlowerFairy12 · 09/04/2025 10:07

Has he had a sperm test? Whilst you’ve given birth, he’s never had a child. It could be him…

gattocattivo · 09/04/2025 10:08

So basically, he doesn’t really want marriage to you, he wants a kid. That’s putting it bluntly but at least you’ve seen his true colours. Many couples have difficulty conceiving; it doesn’t mean one partner walks off to find someone else to try to have a kid with.

And just because he ‘knows his sperm is good’ (!) it doesn’t mean he’ll get someone else knocked up quickly, fertility is far more complex and it may not happen at all, or take a long time.

He’s not worth it

MimiGC · 09/04/2025 10:10

Only one of you has proven fertility and it isn’t him. That might be worth pointing out to this Prince among men.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 10:12

@FlowerFairy12 @MimiGC OP wrote his sperm test was fine.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 10:13

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:44

Whilst he may have gone about this the wrong way, can you not understand that this is someone who wants his own child? If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who was desperate for a child and told her DP that she might consider looking for someone else in order to do so would people be more understanding? Or would they be saying she should forget it and stay with him even if it meant remaining childless?
Sadly, the desire to have one’s own child sometimes leads to relationships breaking up.

There is a big difference between breaking up with someone because they don't want to have children, and breaking up with someone because they can't have children, or just might need fertility treatment.

And yes, I'd be saying exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. Men are not stud ponies and women are not brood mares.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/04/2025 10:13

He’s gone about it badly but I don’t think he’s inherently wrong, he wants children and the harsh reality is that at 39 even if in perfect health the chances of you falling pregnant are around 5% each cycle, for a 30 year old woman those chances would be 20% each cycle- you can’t cheat biology and that is a big difference.

Guistarry · 09/04/2025 10:14

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 10:13

There is a big difference between breaking up with someone because they don't want to have children, and breaking up with someone because they can't have children, or just might need fertility treatment.

And yes, I'd be saying exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. Men are not stud ponies and women are not brood mares.

Show quote history

Indeed, but in reality for some people becoming a parent is a priority to them, they should leave otherwise they'll be full of resentment anyway even if it's no ones fault and not fair.

Cosyvibes · 09/04/2025 10:15

He sounds like Henry the 8th. I've probably been on mumsnet far to long but sounds to me like he's already got his eye on someone else.

TSMWEL · 09/04/2025 10:15

Kendodd · 09/04/2025 10:02

Only read the first few posts but I'm shocked at the animosity towards this man. We have seen loads of posts on here over the years from women desperately wanting a baby but their partner can't or won't. These women get loads of sympathy and lots of advice to leave, find someone else or even have a baby alone. You only get one life etc.
This man clearly wants children above all else, including you OP. I would sit down, have a full cards on table discussion with him that this might never happen with you (or anyone else frankly) and see where you both want to go from there.
How things work out best for both of you OP.

The difference here is that they have been trying for a baby for little over a year with no success. Tests show BOTH of them have no issues, so there’s nothing to say he could get someone else pregnant if it’s not happening with OP. The sensible thing to do with someone you love and see as being a good choice of co-parent for your future child would be to explore other options. OP is offering to try IVF or potentially other options and her partner won’t even have a conversation with her about it.

In fact, he’s told her that he’d just do this over and over to multiple women until he gets the end result of a child. Very little thought as to who the mother of that child will be, in fact they seem to be rather inconsequential in his plan.
I have never in my life seen anyone on MN suggest to a woman who wants a baby but who’s partner is unable to have children due to infertility to dump him and have as many relationships with as many men as it will take to get her pregnant. Ever.

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 10:17

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

I wouldn’t be having a child with this man under these circumstances, if he’s threatening to leave you because you can’t have children he will leave you anyway if you do have a child but for some other reason
Either end it or go to couples counselling, I personally would end it though

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/04/2025 10:18

Sorry OP, I'd say the way he is behaving is because he's met someone else. He's blaming you for not getting pregnant so he can feel justified in leaving the relationship on that narrative.

scotstars · 09/04/2025 10:18

I'm sorry but this all sounds incredibly rushed - you have only been together 2.5 years and you have already bought a project house, discussed marriage and have him being an active part of your child's life.
Do you really want to start over with a new baby with a teenager or are you just going along with him because he makes all the right noises about marriage, security. His comments are awful Id be rethinking and glad he showed his true colours before you are stuck with him for 18 years

Jabtastic · 09/04/2025 10:19

Swampdonkey123 · 09/04/2025 08:36

The sudden change in attitude makes me wonder if he has already found the youthful receptacle for his wonder sperm. Regardless you deserve better OP. What happens if you have a baby, and it is not how he imagined? Will he actually stick around and deal with it then, or will he be running for the hills? He's certainly shown that you can't trust him when things get difficult.

I'll be honest I suspect this too.

SheridansPortSalut · 09/04/2025 10:25

His head has been turned and he is looking for an excuse for an out.
He is already picturing his life with someone else.

MimiGC · 09/04/2025 10:25

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 10:12

@FlowerFairy12 @MimiGC OP wrote his sperm test was fine.

Yes, his fertility test was fine, as was hers. Difference is her fertility is proven ( ie she’s already had a child), his is not.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 09/04/2025 10:26

is there any chance he's already met someone else?. his behaviour smacks of other woman waiting in the winges. the baby thing is a way of justifying it.... you deserve better op.

Silverstars21 · 09/04/2025 10:27

Studies show very high levels of cortisol due to stress & anxiety about becoming pregnant,especially when having sex,reduces the chances. This is not the case for everyone but nevertheless for some women it is a fact. After years of tests when no reason can be found, a couple often go on to adopt a child, they relax about it all & soon afterwards they conceive naturally.This happened to a friend, although again of course it's not the case for everyone.

DuskyPink1984 · 09/04/2025 10:28

My gut feeling reading this and having experienced it, is that he has met someone else. The coldness is a classic sign.

LBFseBrom · 09/04/2025 10:28

My view is if you commit to someone, really love them, you accept it if they cannot have children. I know I would have if my husband had been infertile and he would had I been infertile. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth otherwise. If you are having regular periods and there is nothing wrong with you, you probably will become pregnant but your boyfriend's current attitude would put me off him. I wonder if your relationship of 2.5 years has run its course and he is looking elsewhere.

Summer2025 · 09/04/2025 10:28

BumpyaDaisyevna · 09/04/2025 09:58

Posts like this make me see the wisdom of the old way of doing things. First you get married. Then you see if children come along, or not. Whether they do or not, you are married to each other and that is a lifelong commitment. It isn’t contingent on children.

I think men like that would leave women regardless of whether they were married.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/04/2025 10:29

TSMWEL · 09/04/2025 10:15

The difference here is that they have been trying for a baby for little over a year with no success. Tests show BOTH of them have no issues, so there’s nothing to say he could get someone else pregnant if it’s not happening with OP. The sensible thing to do with someone you love and see as being a good choice of co-parent for your future child would be to explore other options. OP is offering to try IVF or potentially other options and her partner won’t even have a conversation with her about it.

In fact, he’s told her that he’d just do this over and over to multiple women until he gets the end result of a child. Very little thought as to who the mother of that child will be, in fact they seem to be rather inconsequential in his plan.
I have never in my life seen anyone on MN suggest to a woman who wants a baby but who’s partner is unable to have children due to infertility to dump him and have as many relationships with as many men as it will take to get her pregnant. Ever.

Show quote history

See I disagree with this. At 39 as a woman even if perfectly healthy your chances are 5% each cycle, at 30 they are 20%, just because there are no issues doesn’t mean your age itself isn’t the issue.

Also, you do see women being told to do that, it’s just that for women all you need is a sperm donor- you don’t need to go through 10 men you just need 10 sperm samples to fall pregnant, as women we don’t actually need a man, we just need sperm. A man needs a woman to have a baby because he cannot do it with just a “sample”, so he can’t go to a clinic and get what he needs for a child, he does need an actual person. It is a totally different scenario.

Katiesaidthat · 09/04/2025 10:32

MimiGC · 09/04/2025 10:25

Yes, his fertility test was fine, as was hers. Difference is her fertility is proven ( ie she’s already had a child), his is not.

Show quote history

This is where secondary infertility comes into play. My friend had her first no trouble, when they tried for the second it proved impossible. Fertility isn´t maths.
OP the fact that he won´t even try Ivf makes me sure he has found somebody else. We had unexplained infertility and went to IVF which was successful.

GlomOfNit · 09/04/2025 10:37

He obviously sees himself as quite a catch, with lines of imaginary women queuing up to see if they will be the lucky Cinderella who will fit his supersperm ....

He sounds like he has something wrong with his personality, IMO. No good man treats his partner like this. Either he wanted to be with YOU, or he didn't. Very clearly he doesn't want to be with you that much if this current obsession is now more important to him. You were 36,37 when you got together and he surely must realise that women find it harder to get and stay pregnant past their mid 30's.

He sounds like something out of the Handmaid's Tale, OP. Honestly I think you would be better off without him.

AltitudeCheck · 09/04/2025 10:39

He's already found his younger woman and is hoping you'll end it for him (because he's a coward) and he's hoping you'll give him your blessing too!

Use his cowardice and guilt to your advantage and at least come out on top financially from your joint venture (assuming you haven't already been screwed over in this department too!)

Do not conceive a child with him unless you are content to be a single parent, he's already shown you he's not committed to the relationship and is looking for the door.

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