He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

There's a big difference between suggesting a woman should leave a man who doesn't want kids or is dithering about having them, and suggesting that she should leave a man who can't have kids because, for example, his cancer treatment has made him infertile.

He’s met a ‘younger woman’ and he is rationalising his intention to set up with her by ‘blaming ‘ you for his not having a child. Have a read about Henry Viii, Katherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn, it’s a similar situation. The desperate desire for a male heir only materialised when Anne, unlike her predecessors as the object of his desire, said ‘no’ and held out for marriage.

That would be my guess, anyway. I’m so sorry.💐

Oh and don’t have IVF just to keep him for another few years, because I don’t think that will work. You might end up sharing his child with another woman….

He's a disgusting man isn't he? I don't see much of how you feel in your post fairydust. Just how you are reacting to his comments, which makes me think you are in abit if a cycle of letting him think he has the power in your relationship.

So how do you feel? Do you feel safe to have a baby with a man who has told you he would leave you so easily, if he doesn't get his way? I think it's very cold and callous of him and I would be wary of putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. Having to rely on the goodwill of a man who would have so easily left you for a younger women(what a nasty thing to have you thinking about)

And as I understand it abuse ramps up during pregnancy and postpartum. He has shown some abusive tendencies, the cutting off of communication, the silent treatment, saying that he sees 'you in another light now'(object constancy) being cold. It's not that he is trying to protect himself from arguing and that he needs space, it's that he has dropped the bombshell and is enjoying having some power of you.

Don't get distracted by this other discussion developing here that a women in the same situation would rightly be encouraged to leave if their partner if they couldn't conceive. That's not your life, you need to think about you and what you want.

I hope you figure it out.

He's seen you in a different light?!

I know, the irony.

I assume you're seeing him in a different light too, after his horrible comments?

he’s already emotionally checked out of the relationship

God this is awful. Imagine if you got cancer or something, he'd be gone.

The fact that you offered IVF and he wasn't interested suggests he doesn't want to deal with any difficulties in his life or put the work in.

He is a cunt.

He’s DARVO-ing you. Making himself the victim because you were understandably upset by the utterly cruel things he’s said and done.

Jesus. Men never fail to shock me on here with how unbelievably fucking vile they can be.

Ugh. To be this unpleasant, suggests to me he already has his eye on a younger model op. I’m really sorry. Even if not, he is not a keeper.

How does he know a younger woman is necessarily more fertile. It took me over 8 years to get pregnant with unprotected sex and I was 22 when I married. There are literally zero guarantees

I agree!

But we're talking about a particular individual, here, OP's current 'partner'.

If he was committed to you, he'd be all in for IVF and also considering the possibility of an egg donor (though obviously there are some ethical issues with that).

Even if you had to use an egg donor, the. Hold would be his biological child.

Instead he's not discussing those and is talking about leaving and younger women.

So he's not truly committed to you/your relationship.

I would be looking into how you're going to extricate yourself from your property/financial entanglement with him.

I also agree with posters who have wondered whether, if his biological child wasn't "perfect", he would stick around.

I'm sorry. he's already found someone else. The 'distance' and 'having to think about what he wants' say that he's just got involved and wasn't sure what to say, now he's making the 'having kids' his reason.

It's already too late. Don't even try. He's going to use the 'younger woman can have children easily' as his excuse for leaving but that's not true. He'd already started shagging her before he thought up the reason.

The drive to have children is strong and there have been countless threads on here where you see women do anything, no matter how selfish, to get the baby they want.

Your man is just bringing honest. He deserves the chance to have his own children and if he can’t do that with you then he’s not doing anything wrong by moving on from the relationship, even if it hurts. He probably can’t talk about it much right now because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with the way he feels.

Well, trying to see the positives here, at least he’s been honest.

I think this relationship is over.

Well, trying to see the positives here, at least he’s been honest.

I think this relationship is over.

I think he doesn't have the balls to tell you he wants to end the relationship. Instead he's saying unless you trap him with a baby then you will be giving him a reason to leave the relationship.
The worst kind of blackmail. Bin him!

I think the relationship is over - unless you desperately want another child, and it doesn't sound as if you do to be honest.

Why go through the stress of IVF with a man who will leave you if it doesn't work. And who may decide that he wants more than one child?

Call it quits and split your property.

And ironically, at 35, he himself - depending on how long he spends trying my meet someone, and how long before they start TTC, and how long it takes to conceive - and him moving on if she doesn't conceive within his timeframe .....will be heading for 39 quickly (the age after which clinics don't accept donor sperm because it's no longer high quality) and then 40, after which kids of fathers that age and more likely to have ASD and, the older they get, more likely to have significant MH conditions.

I feel like there are two separate issues here -

1. his coldness towards you is unacceptable.

2. a man or woman has a right to want a chance at biological children, even if it means a breakup (I’ve seen that recommended to woman loads of times on here). But then why isn’t he open to IVF?

This

OP, to a degree I've been here. Great partner, good relationship (not perfect, mind), really happy together. Hit a milestone birthday and he just changed. Months later and it all came to a head when he issued an ultimatum: commit to at least trying for children in the next year or the relationship was at an end. I was absolutely blind-sided, not least because I'd always been open that I was - at best - ambivalent about having children and he said he was OK with that either way because he loved me.

Of course, he was as entitled as anyone to change their mind, he'd not have been the first, but it transpired he'd always assumed I'd come round to his way of thinking, he just needed to sit it out until I did. And he made it clear that our relationship was transactional: no kids (plural, because "What if something happened to it if we only had one?") = no relationship. He asked me if the reason why I was reticent was because I secretly knew I was infertile or had another reason why I couldn't/shouldn't have a child, which absolutely made me realise he saw me as a walking womb and, as a person, I was irrelevant. I was just a service provider for his dreams.

He also made it clear that he "knew" that if there were any issues with my getting pregnant then it would be my body that was at fault, because his was fine

Fuck that shit. We split up and I've never stopped being hugely relieved.

So if his wife-machine doesn’t work properly he’ll dump it.. what if you had a child and it was disabled, or the wrong sex, or didn’t share his interests - would he do the same?

Oh god this prince among men just gets worse. He's dangled the prospect of a proposal in front of you like a carrot but is really just keeping you as an option so he can easily get a replacement incubator if you don't get pregnant. The fact he's said he would leave the next woman too if she can't get pregnant makes this even worse, as though he views women as commodities rather than actual human beings.

He sounds awful OP. Don't let him leave you for not being able to have children with him - leave HIM for being a nasty piece of work.

He's been a dick about it but if you've been having unprotected sex for 2 years with no pregnancy then it's looking like he will need to find someone younger, particularly if he wants more than one child. It's the harsh reality of fertility. You've already got a child but he's childless and if he wants to be a father, he needs to prioritise that.