Went on a nice date today that ended a bit awkwardly and now I'm really sad!

[anonymous98]

Full disclosure, I have not great mental health, including diagnosed severe anxiety and depression. I also get horribly emotional before my period, which is due in a few days.

Anyway.

I matched with someone online, chatted on the phone, agreed to meet up. I've only had a few online dates, which were generally mutually excruciating and we had absolutely nothing to say to each other, so I was quite pleasantly surprised when he a.) showed up on time b.) was actually gorgeous and c.) was really nice. We had a great chat, seemed to get on really well, and agreed to go from a cafe to a local park and then a museum. Unfortunately, my feet were killing me and I had to sit down and rest and I think he interpreted that as me having had enough, so walked me to my bus stop, waited with me and then said "I'll see you sometime", which I interpreted as I am probably never going to see you again. And got on the bus feeling really deflated. And I haven't heard from him since then. And I'm so sad. I have no idea why I'm so sad. I just feel like I can't cope. I don't want to be desperate and message. I feel so stupid and upset and confused.

Look don't beat yourself up over it. What's meant for you won't pass you by etc. You are trying and making an effort to get out there and it's so hard to meet nice people.
If he doesn't reply fair enough but if he replies at all why don't you suggest another meet up and make a joke about the shoes, saying I'll wear more comfortable shoes this time.

Go easy on yourself though. Life is bloody hard and it just seems to get harder as we get older.

Before the thread goes, just wanted to say hope things work out as you hope op. Dating is such a minefield!

You say you're worried that your story will be picked up by a newspaper and posters have told you there is no need to worry about that, as your story isn't interesting enough.

They're right and one helpful thing to bear in mind is that it isn't interesting enough because it's an everyday event. It happens to so many people, probably including the newspaper people, that it is a perfectly normal happening.

So don't spoil your week thinking that you are the only one this has happened to and that you have failed. It happens to all of us, frequently, so frequently that it simply isn't newsworthy.

It was a first date that didn't lead to a second, that's all. Don't worry, don't be hard on yourself. It will happen to lots of people today and, before the week is out, it will have happened to hundreds.

Online dating is tough. It's hard when you meet someone you feel any sort of click with to feel like this is IT. Your only chance.

It isn't.

Very kindly, your anxiety is getting in your way. I'm sorry as it's hard to deal with.

This guy may have made a snap judgement. That's what online dating can be like. If he did, then that's not your fault. That's about him and his wants and experiences.

You wore the wrong shoes! I'd want a man who could laugh that off and try again, don't you? Not a man who marches me to the bus stop.

Just be nice to yourself and try again when you feel stronger. You're obviously attractive and interesting enough to get people to meet you!

I wish people would stop saying 'life is bloody heard' in our context - washing machines, TV, socialised health, student loans, telephone, running hot water and benefits for the needy. Mental health, no stigma! I get it, people lose jobs and die, but try comparing ourselves to the third world, or even the US (in times when you need treatment). I wish there would be one thread saying 'wow, look how much we have - and how easy we have it'. But no.

@Hwi That never helps the person who is struggling though. Read up on comparative suffering in psychology. It just leads to shame.

Being grateful and looking at positives is one thing, but shutting down people's genuine feelings because someone else has it worse is not ok.

Life is hard for people with mental health issues and these ‘some people have it worse’ comments don’t help one bit.

OP online dating, or dating in general is so tough. With or without anxiety.

You also sound amasing and genuine, and sounds like you two had a good date. You also are stronger than you feel right now, why I say that is because you still go even if you have the anxiety hanging in the way. That says a lot about you and how tough you are. Also, if he is not going to reply then I dont think he is worthy of your time.
Anyone with empathy and care would understand about the shoes, and ask you if you were ok ones home. Seeing he is not doing that says a great deal about him, now he may be one of those who thinks should I send that message and ask if she is ok, or he may be just as anxious and over analyse things himself.
Again, you sound amasing, and be kind to yourself, know your own worth.

Hi everyone, he replied. He was very nice about it but did basically reject me. So at least I know.

Sad but onwards and upwards OP 💐

Well you did absolutely the right thing op to follow up.

You will get lots of rejections because everyone does. Sore feet probably wasn’t your best look!

But it doesn’t matter, you went, you met him, you haven’t disgraced or embarrassed yourself, and you followed up maturely. Onward and upward op! And every good wish on your dating journey! 🍀🤞

This is the weird thing about MN - 'you deserve better' - how do people know you deserve better? We only ever hear one side of the story. 'Dump her/him, there are plenty lovely people out there waiting to meet you' - aye, right - divorced, 2 kids, nothing special, but apparently 'there is a queue out there to meet you'. Also - 'you dodged a bullet' - a person with problems gets rejected and a person with problems dodged a bullet? When people pretend to be 'all for sisterhood', sometimes they do a disservice. OK, I shall divorce him as you advise me to do, but will YOU guarantee a queue of people out there to meet me and help me pay tuition fees because 'I deserve better'? Madness.

What then does? Wallowing in it? And waiting for others to praise and congratulate you for wallowing in it? I was helped by a foreign friend of mine to see my parents' death in a different light - she kept reminding me that they were treated before they died and I did not have to beg for money to pay for their treatment. In her country elderly people don't get treated, they are just written off. We develop and understand things by comparison, like it or not.

Thanks for this, I was already feeling dreadful and you've helped enormously

No need - you posted for opinions, this is one of them. Relationships usually are a trade off - what does he offer me? What do I offer him? If you don't like honest opinions, then OK, 'you dodged a bullet'. Life is hard. Everything is hard.

Do you enjoy kicking people when they are down? I've already updated the thread to say I was rejected, which I accept. A few people have been very kind and sent encouraging messages, which are hugely appreciated and mean a lot. This kind of comment isn't helpful to anyone. I don't have a big ego. I know I'm not a great catch, but I am a person with feelings and would appreciate a little kindness.

I would offer the same advice to myself, and my sisters.

@Hwi you're being a bitch, and so was your foreign friend. Rein it in.

You haven’t offered any advice.
Don’t wallow in it and You’re probably the one at fault are not advice. They’re things people say to put the boot in because they love spreading misery.

You need to chill. Often 'you dodged a bullet' can mean a multitude of things, including 'You've managed to avoid more heartache down the road'.

For example, say he strung her along for a bit longer, until she slept with him and started to feel comfortable and then he ghosts her. Would that hurt more than this? Absolutely, bullet dodged. The 'bullet' doesn't have to be shot with malice and intent to hurt, it can be the natural consequences of pushing ahead with a relationship that wasn't right from the outset.

You on the other hand, don't have a bullet. You have a knife, and for some unfathomable reason you keep coming back to this thread to twist it a bit more, towards a person you don't even know. Maybe think on that and what that says about you.

I see your point about bullet-dodging. I totally disagree about the knife.

Sorry to hear the update OP. I don’t mean this in a negative way but maybe he could tell on some level that you’re not in an ideal mindset for dating. Sometimes we give off stronger signs than we realise. I think you should probably focus on you for now and getting into a better headspace.
And again, if you’re vulnerable consider posting in mh. It’s a mixed bag in Relationships 🙄

Pretty standard behaviour from Hwi, it can't help being an arsehole most times it posts

yeah or maybe it was just like the vast majority of dates that one of them just felt it was not quite a fit.

To be honest, op is being very open about her feelings of vulnerability but the way it strikes me is that her MH is in a far rosier place than the people who seem determined to make nasty and undermining comments.

You can’t just say you are “ being helpful “ “ not being negative” and not have people see right through it like a window.

I think that poster does enjoy kicking people when they are down. It's best to ignore them. They post this sort of stuff on just about every thread they appear on.