Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

He sounds scary OP.

If he needs someone who wags their tail and wets themselves whenever he walks into the room, tell him to get a puppy.

That kind of attention would exhaust the crap out of me, nevermind having to perform it.

Have you asked him wtf his problem is and to stop pressurising you?

Id take it as a bit of a red flag that he was obsessed with novelty and the excitement in the beginning. People like that often go from one intense relationship to the next.

Did you laugh and say eff off when he said this?

I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t so hilarious everytime he says it, it is quite sinister as he is adamant

Yeah I have and he doesn’t really have an answer, just says ‘something’s off, you are not obsessed with me anymore and it makes me sad’ he even said once, ‘I would be worried if I wasn’t obsessed with you as the relationship would just die’

Ewwwww that's not healthy is it?

I did initially, and literally asked what on earth he meant, apparently my ‘obsession’ 🤮 with him was one of the reasons he pursued a relationship with me?! What on earth do I make of that?

I've heard them all now 😂

Don't let him move in with you, whatever you do

Too late sadly! We moved in together (rented house) last year!

Oh dear. Put this one back. I couldn’t be arsed with unravelling the reasons behind him coming to this conclusion and would warn you that it sounds like he’s got a whole heap of drama stored up for you.

I’d be very concerned. IME men who say thing like this also tend to say things like “look what you made me do.” Your lack of “obsession” becomes the reason for his lack of consideration and possibly even and excuse for abuse. And it will probably start with criticism about sex.

Sex? Is his word 'obsessed' actually about the frequency of sex? No matter if it is or isn't it would be in 'ick' territory with this!

No, we have a very active sex life, I think I have the slightly higher drive as he has quite a few ‘conditions’ about sex, one of which if he doesn’t feel we have been ‘close’ enough he doesn’t feel in the mood, it’s very strange tbh

@Forestdark - his attitude is unhealthy. No grown adult should be obsessed with another adult. Obviously there is more excitement in the honeymoon period but that is in part based on the newness and uncertainty of it all. As you clearly know, that phase generally matures into a calmer but deeper and more secure connection. Honestly, this would scare me. If he continues this way, he’s not right for you.

Sex is tricky. One of his most recent examples of me not being obsessed enough is that we did a position that I wanted to do but he was a bit anxious about (nothing weird) and I didn’t make enough of a celebration about it after we did it

Have you told him to look up 'obsession' in the dictionary and tell you how any of what it describes could possibly be regarded as healthy?

He sounds as though he has a strange idea about relationships.

Ask him where he's been keeping his red flags, because he's definitely got them out the cupboard.

And then Run.

This is a disturbing comment.

Tbf, my husband and I were obsessed with each other in the beginning. Aren’t most people who are newly in love?

We gradually settled into a much more comfortable relationship over time and are very much in love 36 years on. Certainly not obsessed, though!

He's clearly telling you what he wants and expects in the relationship. Is this what you are wanting?

Sounds pretty immature but some narcissistic men people are like children who need lots of attention.

At least you've only lost 4 years and he's not creating drama to get you to be focussed on him, so in a way he is at least mature enough to let you know his immature needs...

he isn’t very clear about what exactly this obsession looks like, other than me devoting my whole life to him, which is not going to happen. I love him but I also love my DD, my work, my dogs, but to him these can ‘get in the way of our time’ 🥴

Did you not being obsessed with him coincide with moving in together.

is he willing to have a serious conversation about how weird this is? I’m leaning towards LTB.

How were you supposed to celebrate? Balloons and cake?

Seriously though, he sounds unhinged. Unhinged men are... not a good thing for women. You've even used the word sinister yourself about his behaviour. That's worrying.