Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

yes, perhaps trad wife porn. They think the woman should be the youngest, sexiest, juiciest, cooking in bikini little thing.

This is giving me chills. He doesn’t want you to have a life that doesn’t centre him. I really would step back from this one before it gets worse. Can you go out with friends and family without you? Does he message you when you are out?

If he is turning you into centre of his world he is making you responsible for his emotional state that is not a good thing. You can easily become the focus for any pissed or uncomfortable feelings he has. “I am fed up” becomes “I am fed up because Forest didn’t…”

Frankly, the more you say about him, the worse he sounds. I don’t think he’s a good bet for a happy long-term relationship.

He sounds controlling to be honest. And immature. A full grown adult would realise you have other priorities than just him - children, work,family, friends - we're all spinning plates and trying to do our best by everybody. The fact that he thinks he should be the centre of your universe is ridiculous. You both have children, surely they are the centre of your universe!

Ah it is time to end this, his "affection" for you is conditional. Not good for you to continue with this, it will only get worse, not better. His mask has finally slipped. Find a safe way to end the relationship and don't look back. He is not going to let go of you easily, nothing to do with love and everything to do with control. Let a family member or good friend know what is happening, you may need to call on them for physical support so that you are not alone with him when you tell him it is over.

'To be frank dear, I was never 'obsessed' in the first place. You do realise obsession is usually associated with extreme mental ill health and stalking?'

I can only imagine English isn't his first language. Or he really is a bit of a fucking weirdo. If he actually knows what that means then to require your partner to feel that way is a massive red flag.

Translation: we don't have sex as much

i was just going to type exactly the same thing!

God, he sounds exhausting at best and unhinged at worst. This doesn't read like a healthy relationship at ALL. I foresee him eroding your (perfectly reasonable) sense of self and boundaries by manipulation and tantrums. This is how coercive control starts. Be very careful about becoming a boiling frog.

You could v quickly end up choosing to isolate yourself from a lot of your life/friends etc because it's not worth the stress of his reaction. Please think really carefully about staying with him as it sounds like the tip of the iceberg to me.

There is something really wrong with this man.

Immature, unhinged and scary. What is his criteria for rating "obsession", will he be checking your phone, timing you if you go to the shops? Will he be vetting your friends and making a note of all the attention you pay them when he thinks that only he should be the centre of your world?

@Forestdark It seems narcissists.
All the drama at the start of the relationship seems he thrived on . Things have settled
now. He doesn’t like that as AlL your attention should be on him.
You have a nightmare on your hands .
Even the sex position he turned it around to be about him. I mean it couldn’t possibly be about you.
He’s staring the control and head messing
He has gave you a massive red flag.

Oh heck, nothing is ever enough for him, is it?

He sounds smothering and like he'll limit your life with his demands on your attention and time. You should have a life outside of the relationship. So should he.

So unhealthy. Runnnnnn 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️

Anyone who said my child “got in the way” would be an instant dump. What a selfish prick.

He wants you to make him the centre of your universe so he's expecting you to put HIM above your child? I'd be vary wary of a man like that, vary wary indeed.

Edited for SPAG

that's not strange, that's controlling. Move out now

As @Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney said, this man is a Covert Narcissist.
Research this. He will only get worse after time. Then you will be ‘walking on eggshells’. It’s up to you how you proceed.

He's talking about the honeymoon period. He misses the infatuation stage of a new relationship. He sounds like he hasn't had much relationship experience as most people know that that level of intensity isn't sustainable long term.

Some people are addicted to the rush of a new relationship and flit from relationship to relationship to keep hold of it.

Tell him that you'd also love to spend more time together and can't wait to see what he organises.

JEEZE!
You are going to have to end this.
How did you feel about working out on ending the relationship? He will
chip away at you and you won’t recognise yourself if you don’t sort this now
And no he won’t change and you can’t change him.

Is this him?

B

You didn't celebrate enough?

What did he want, balloons and a cake? A high five? Message on the family WhatsApp group?

it seems that I past relationships all lasted about 4 years, he has had several.
And how long did you say you had been together?
Four years.
Sensing a pattern here.
Sounds like right around the time a normal, healthy relationship starts becoming more settled and less "obsessed" he starts this rubbish.

This sums up what I was thinking as I was reading down the thread.

Its an endless pit of insecure neediness showing up as control, and you and he’ll never be long term happy as he can never let you think you are enough.

Im not a standard LTBer for every tiny issue, but in this case, I’d definitely be LTB.

Yikes op. The more updates, the more scary he sounds. He’s been masking up to now by the sounds of it, and the cracks are beginning to show. This is the real him, and it’s quite chilling actually. I would seriously think about your future with this man - it’s only going to get worse.

Be very, very careful OP. He's slowly making your world smaller until only he is in it.

Your work, your child, your friends, your family, your body and eventually your thoughts will no longer matter unless he lets you have them. That is very chilling.

Get out now before he consumes you whole.