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Original poster

Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

380 replies

Forestdark · 06/04/2025 10:02

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

OP posts:
Busybeemumm · 06/04/2025 11:19

Seriously have a rethink about this relationship. Do you really want your DD living in this kind of environment?

Maia77 · 06/04/2025 11:21

He sounds very insecure and emotionally needy. He wants you two to have a co-dependent relationship which isn't healthy. I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like you're going to have an easy life with him if you stay together, unless he is willing to work on it.

Laughingdoggo · 06/04/2025 11:23

Ohhhhhhh this is a script.

He’s devaluing you. Then he can cheat and discard “I never felt she was really into me” and then nob off with whomever is waving from greener grass.

Bin him.

Cerialkiller · 06/04/2025 11:23

BunnyLake · 06/04/2025 10:35

He sounds like my ex who would get in a strop and completely ruin the evening because I didn’t give him a red carpet welcome and a flyover every time he walked through the door after work. He was in his forties so no excuse for immaturity. Pissed me off a lot and was just the tip of the iceberg regarding his attitude , ego and moods.

Why did the relationship with the mother of his child end?

I was going to ask this.

How have his previous relationships end? Does he blame the woman? Say they changed?

I too think that now you have moved in together the mask is slipping a bit.

Does he 'obsess' over you? If not why does he think a relationship should be so unbalanced?

Original poster
Forestdark · 06/04/2025 11:23

pinkdelight · 06/04/2025 11:14

OP you really sound quite a catch - significantly younger than him, higher sex drive, main earner. I'll bet he's deeply insecure that if you aren't 'obsessed' with him (eww) and 'celebrating' his sexual accomplishments (barf) then he's terrified you're going to leave him and get snapped up by someone more in your league. Which you probably should do, because he sounds wearingly needy and incapable of a mature long-term relationship where people can be themselves and be worthy of love.

Thank you for your kind words. I was separated from my DD’s father for about 2 years, I have worked on myself. Built my career up from when I was early 20’s with a young DD etc, i think he is insecure about this and it seems that I past relationships all lasted about 4 years, he has had several. But and not to be rude, he has not ever been with someone that was more successful than him. I think he may feel insecure about that. But also when we got together this time he had his ex’s location on his phone he said at the time it was so he could monitor where she took his DD who was quite young but I told him that was weird and he did stop that.

OP posts:
Sortalike · 06/04/2025 11:24

Oh god 🙄 You need to get out of this relationship safely and quickly

I love and adore my husband, but have never been obsessed with him.

TwoRobins · 06/04/2025 11:24

Honestly, OP, I think the root of it is he's scared of losing you.

But obviously it's not a healthy expectation at all!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 06/04/2025 11:26

His neediness sounds quite disturbing. At the least it’s tedious.

Aak yourself honestly, is this something you wish to pursue or would you be better off single again?

Butchyrestingface · 06/04/2025 11:27

I hope you don't have any pet rabbits, OP. 🐰🐇

MuffinsOrCake · 06/04/2025 11:27

Do you financially support him, do all housework also btw. You mentioned you paid for few trips.....did he pay half of them or not and if not, why not. Did he move in into a house that is solely yours btw or you and him bought together. He is aiming to fleece your daughter in the future of anything that you might have.

Itwasallyellow2 · 06/04/2025 11:28

This is a first step towards then blaming you when he does something wrong. He is basically shifting responsibility for the success of your relationship onto you “It’s your fault I had an affair because you weren’t showing me enough attention”; “I behave badly because you don’t show you care about me”.

Stuff that. If you can manage the rent on your own then do so.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/04/2025 11:30

It's not fair if you're not as totally deranged as him?

Oh this is not good at all, @Forestdark. How is he measuring your levels to keep it 'fair'? How does he think it's good if you have to fake it to keep it 'fair'?

He really is beginning to sound incredibly dangerous. And how is he with your DC, you haven't said? Particularly if they come between you and DPs desire for your attention?

Bogginsthe3rd · 06/04/2025 11:32

Make an effigy of him in the bathroom. Put candles round it. Steal a hair from him when asleep night and place it in a glass pendant around the effigy. If he cuts himself paint war paint on the face of the effigy using his blood. Print out photos of his ex partners from FB and put around the candles. Play enya through bluetooth speakers. See if he is happy now.

finallydecorating · 06/04/2025 11:33

Not wanting you to go out without him is a huge red flag.

He doesn't want to support you in pursuing your interests and having a full and rewarding life. He won't be satisfied till you shrink your world so the only thing in it is him.

This is classic controlling arsehole thinking. You can't change it and it only gets worse from here.

He's showing you who he is. Please believe him, and run for the hills.

Dery · 06/04/2025 11:34

@Forestdark - the fact he has had several relationships that have lasted a few years but then petered out is a clue. When I met DH, he had had several shortish relationships which had generally ended after a year or two. He recognised that he was the common factor and had therapy to work out what he was doing. He recognised significant patterns and worked on them. His next relationship was with me and we’ve been together over 20 years. It’s pretty likely your partner drove his previous partners away through his dysfunctional/controlling demands. In any case, it seems your partner has done no work on himself but is continuing in the same dysfunctional/unhealthy way.

ChaToilLeam · 06/04/2025 11:35

He sounds needy and exhausting at the minimum, and also rather worrying. Honestly OP, I’d be making plans to get out. Obsession is an unhealthy way to be in a relationship.

Bogginsthe3rd · 06/04/2025 11:35

Forestdark · 06/04/2025 10:24

Sex is tricky. One of his most recent examples of me not being obsessed enough is that we did a position that I wanted to do but he was a bit anxious about (nothing weird) and I didn’t make enough of a celebration about it after we did it

Show quote history

Oh is he short of penis?

rainbowsparkle28 · 06/04/2025 11:36

Run - run a mile! 🏃‍♀️🚩

EuclidianGeometryFan · 06/04/2025 11:36

when we got together this time he had his ex’s location on his phone he said at the time it was so he could monitor where she took his DD who was quite young but I told him that was weird and he did stop that.

Have you checked whether he has put a tracker on your phone?

You need to leave him, the sooner the better. The longer this goes on, the more danger you are in.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/04/2025 11:37

Oh dear, you know this isn't right for you and you have brought a child into this too. It needs to end sooner rather than later.
either you find a new rental or he moves out - which he won't want to but can he afford the current rental by himself ?
can you afford the current rental by yourself ?
how long is the tenancy for ? one year - does it end in June ?

MuffinsOrCake · 06/04/2025 11:40

Calliopespa · 06/04/2025 10:49

Tbh he sounds as though he has disordered thinking about relationships.

One of the things I often wonder about on MN are all these posters who claim they never ever ever raise their voice or argue with their spouse “ in front of the children”.

What always makes me slightly uncomfortable about those posts is that people do have emotions and relationships do have challenges and you aren’t preparing children for it if you hide it all. Obviously not everything is appropriate, and the position is a reaction to the very wrong situation of children being trapped in abusive households ( and often the posters saying it eventually reveal they grew up that way, so it is often a pendulum reaction).

But I always wonder if the children of those sort of “never a raised voice” households grow up with these sorts of strange plastic relationship expectations. But Barbie has a SMILE painted on her face: she LOVES Ken.

yes exactly. Healthy balancing acts of two adults who at some point may have differences on finances, in laws relations etc. - need an argument or two at the correct time. Bull S the plastic dolls. Not us. Married and maturing together

ItGhoul · 06/04/2025 11:40

Every post you’ve added makes me feel more strongly that you should end this relationship. He’s a needy, controlling prick.

flibberdido · 06/04/2025 11:41

Well that's quite worrying really. He sounds needy and demanding and insecure. It's not normal to be obsessed once the initial 'zing' has petered out, you settle into a more relaxed but loving relationship. You have known each other for a long time after all. Tell him to get therapy or get out.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 06/04/2025 11:42

There's 7 years between you, which is not a lot now. But when you were "late teens", he would have been mid/late 20s. Not necessarily terrible, but potentially a bit off in itself. Maybe you were more "obsessed" with him the first time around? If so, that makes him creepy, as it suggests that the age imbalance at the time, did actually translate to a power imbalance too. The fact he is apparently yearning for this, is creepy, sorry.

Busybeemumm · 06/04/2025 11:46

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. You are your DDs role model. What if she was in a relationship like this when she is older? What would be your hope and dreams for her. Have this expectation for yourself.