Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

Oh that’s creepy and controlling. He needs a remote control inflatable doll that has one of those string pull “ I love you” voice boxes attached ( I had a teddy with one when a toddler. Just remembered it now.) Then he can have it motor over when he pushes the remote and pull the string whenever he feels the need to hear it.

So essentially he wants the teenage you, obsessed with him in his mid-20s?

And in your mid-30s you earn more in three days than he does at 41? You’re outpacing him, gaining more control in the relationship - so he tries to regain control with his bedroom strictures. It does sound as if he prefers younger, more compliant female partners.

It may be a good thing you’re not married …

So move out. He is a walking talking red flag.

Don't have kids with him, he's a controlling arse. It sounds like he wants a tradwife.

Ugh...so cloying.

You are right to find it off-putting. It is. It's demanding, needy, selfish and not taking your needs as an individual and seperate adult into account at all, despite his claims of being obsessed with you. He's obsessed with his own agenda, not you.

He'll likely suffocate the life out of you.

Tbh he sounds as though he has disordered thinking about relationships.

One of the things I often wonder about on MN are all these posters who claim they never ever ever raise their voice or argue with their spouse “ in front of the children”.

What always makes me slightly uncomfortable about those posts is that people do have emotions and relationships do have challenges and you aren’t preparing children for it if you hide it all. Obviously not everything is appropriate, and the position is a reaction to the very wrong situation of children being trapped in abusive households ( and often the posters saying it eventually reveal they grew up that way, so it is often a pendulum reaction).

But I always wonder if the children of those sort of “never a raised voice” households grow up with these sorts of strange plastic relationship expectations. But Barbie has a SMILE painted on her face: she LOVES Ken.

Sounds creepy

He sounds fucking exhausting.

Also no-one well adjusted is "obsessed" after they've been together a while.

He sounds like he has some serious issues - very needy, unfillable hole of neediness and insecurity. He wants something too intense for any relationship past the earliest intense honeymoon period.

Tbh he sounds as though he has disordered thinking about relationships

Yes, this.

Sorry, OP, I agree with PP, he’s a massive 🚩. Get yourself out of there safely, and don’t look back. My ex started out like that but progressed into abusive psychopath mode, and I really DON’T recommend you stay around him. Honestly, it’ll only get worse, as it sounds like you’re already walking on eggshells, and modifying your behaviour in small ways so as not to have friction.

To me this sounds really unhealthy. He’s making himself the centre of everything, telling you how you need to respond to him and then telling you it’s not enough. If he can’t explain it better than you’re not obsessed enough with me any more, I’m not sure where you can go from here other than leave. It sounds a bit immature and to be honest a bit scary. Is he maybe getting these ideas from online or something? That a woman needs to be obsessed with her man and he is the centre of everything? It’s all very odd. You mentioned being the breadwinner, does he work?

How has he reached his present age without realising that the honeymoon phase does not last and is not meant to last?

@Forestdark - you need to get away. Not wanting you to go out without him is coercive control. Withholding sex because you’ve not demonstrated sufficient obsession with him is creepy. Being upset after sex because you haven’t given him some kind of fanfare for trying something new - also creepy. This guy wants you all to himself. He wants to be at the centre of your universe at all times. It’s creepy and sinister. You need to get him gone.

Listen to your good self. Your rational, emotionally mature self.

Has he fallen down a rabbit-hole of watching videos of guys who say this kind of thing?

Porn?

And I agree with the PP who commented on parents who never argue in front of their DCs. They’re missing important opportunities to model how to negotiate areas of disagreement. There shouldn’t be hysteria or aggression or violence but neither should all disagreement be concealed from DCs.

@Forestdark there is a 7 year gap so you were 18 and he was 25

hiw is he with your daughter?

but really you have to make plans to leave because this is controlling and scary

Or more likely OP was 16, ie underage and impressionable, and he was 23.

This is how coercive control starts.

He wants you to be emotionally reliant on him.

OP you really sound quite a catch - significantly younger than him, higher sex drive, main earner. I'll bet he's deeply insecure that if you aren't 'obsessed' with him (eww) and 'celebrating' his sexual accomplishments (barf) then he's terrified you're going to leave him and get snapped up by someone more in your league. Which you probably should do, because he sounds wearingly needy and incapable of a mature long-term relationship where people can be themselves and be worthy of love.

This is his attempt to isolate you and one of the first steps in abusive behaviour. He complains about not getting attention in the hope you give up your social life for him.

Get out safely. No point in disagreeing with him, ideally let him come to the decision to leave himself (though not likely given how needy he is).

Absolutely never having anymore children!!

He sounds utterly revolting and clearly wants you just where he wants you to be

Start looking for the exit

He has actually said I am the centre of his universe and he wants the same from me otherwise it isn’t fair