Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

So he's withholding affection (sex) if you haven't been 'obsessed' with him enough that day?
Telling you it's your lack of obsession thats making him feel sad?
And being sad when you don't get excited enough over something?

All the flags are waving OP, be very careful you don't let this escalate to something you're really not happy with

Not really, we lived in last June, so relatively early but by about January he kinda mentioned it for the first time, possibly the trigger was me taking on a bit of overtime at work to cover some expenses. (I only work 3 days a week and I am the main breadwinner) so it’s not like it massively ate up all our time and was for joint expenses and goals! Not so I could have a 7 day all inclusive to myself

Oh this sounds worse and worse. How long before your DC starts getting between you and your 'obsession' with him? How long before he starts to resent them and the dogs?

Ok, so he’s not interested in an equal partnership. He wants to be worshipped and praised.

seriously, it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible at all.

I am worried about this tbh.

I kinda know that if I wanted to go out of an evening he wouldn’t like it, which is very dodgy territory tbh

Reminds me a little bit of an ex of mine.
If I was just quietly minding my own business, he used to say 'tell me what you're thinking about' then get pissed off if I answered honestly ie something about work, or what's in the freezer. He wanted me to say that I was thinking about us, or specifically him. It's like he wanted proof that he was on my mind almost all of the time.

It was exhausting. I got rid.

He needs to grow up.

Relationships move past the the “ first flush” ardour and into something more solid. It’s normal. Often even happens before a wedding/ move in.

It would be nauseating watching your parents forever fawning over each other like a pair of horny besotted teens.

I honestly thought I was going to click through and read that you were both in your early twenties!

He needs to get real.

He sounds like my ex who would get in a strop and completely ruin the evening because I didn’t give him a red carpet welcome and a flyover every time he walked through the door after work. He was in his forties so no excuse for immaturity. Pissed me off a lot and was just the tip of the iceberg regarding his attitude , ego and moods.

Why did the relationship with the mother of his child end?

Agree about the exhausting but I have to confess “what’s in the freezer” would have disappointed me too! 🤣

So it's a vague expectation that you focus your life on him?
I think a lot of men do just expect this is what a woman ought to do. That sounds like a deal-breaker for you, as it would be for me too.

I take back what I said... it is a shame it has taken four years for this to come up because it sounds unreasonable and four years is a lot of years to put into a relationship only for this to come up

This is a huge red flag op. My ex was like this - add in other behaviours and the penny dropped after we'd split up. Google covert narcissist - he ticked every box, and I bet my bottom dollar your partner will as well

Oh yikes, posted before I saw this.

He still needs to get real, but more importantly, you need to get out.

AND you're the major earner... Beware him wanting you 'all to himself' and trying to restrict absolutely everything you do, particularly with someone else, because he feels 'left out'.

He's beginning to remind me of an ex I had when I was newly single, who wanted me to hand my kids over to their father and leave them completely so I could be with him.

Yes this!

and the other day he said he was taking his DD to see his parents and I said ‘yeah that’s cool’ and he sarcastically said ‘are you sure ForestD0 but I will miss you loads if you go out’

Too much Utube. Sort the bugger out before he chains you to a radiator so he doesn't have to 'share you' with anyone else. Or, preferably, run. Fast. He won't improve. Take care of yourself OP.

Very dodgy, either a conversation needs to be had between you and him told to wind his neck in. Or you need to look to be getting out

I kinda know that if I wanted to go out of an evening he wouldn’t like it, which is very dodgy territory tbh

Then you should go out, and address his reaction. Don’t waste years waiting for him to slowly reveal how controlling he is.

He expects to be centred and is comfortable gaslighting you about how you wouldn’t leave a room he was in.

I would start planning my exit. He needs to become an ex due to the many red flags fluttering around him.

My god he sounds so bloody needy…what an ick!

This was my first thought. How old were you when you first got together?

Thanks all for the insights.

He is unwavering with this ‘obsession’ talk. It’s been months and he says it’s actually a good thing to feel like that about each other.

He is moping like told off puppy this morning because Iv put my foot down and said I am not pandering to this nonsense anymore. But it won’t be the end of it

I was about 18 and he was 23?

this time around we were 30 and 36/37

I must look like I'm thinking romantic thoughts when I'm mentally stocktaking the chips and frozen peas 😆

Seriously though, it got to the point when I felt like I couldn't even have my bloody thoughts to myself. And @Forestdark the not liking you having an evening out is a HUGE red flag imo. Please have a think about this relationship

He sounds controlling and it will only get worse. I definitely wouldn't have a child with him