Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

To be fair when women say we need emotional connection in order to feel in
the mood people think that’s a sign of our evolved character vis a vis men.

But taken together with his other traits, he does sound controlling ( albeit I am now starting to think in some respects this thread could be a man who is describing a female partner to get us to see how annoying some of the stereotypes of women can be! 🤣)

What sort of celebration did he want? Creation of a new bank holiday, balloons, cake, an announcement in the Times?

Yuck! If he is saying that your children and your work are getting in the way of you devoting your all your attention towards him, that's a massive red flag. He sounds like a narcissist.

Nah, no way does he want one of those.

He wants a prisoner.

You're the person who earns most, OP - move the hell out of there now and don't tell him where you've moved to.

Oohh there’s another thread by @pinkflowers1who is upset her DH Isn’t obsessed with her anymore… they would be perfect for each other

This is not healthy at all but you knew that already. I agree with pp who have mentioned covert narcissism. Do some reading but don't take too long about it, because you need to get out of this relationship sooner rather than later.

Christ. Get out now Op. you sound awesome, he does not. He sounds controlling and insecure and frankly, quite scary. Take your job & money & kid & get out of there ASAP.

People have different expectations in a relationship.
You are on the same page or it will not work.

I am a mixed bag where I need a lot of freedom to go out with friends, work 12h a day, go alone on trips... BUT also want someone to be obsessed with me and could not be in casual relationship.
I knew I would not be compatible with partner who would limit my freedom or be too easy going about me.

It looks like you and your partner do not have same standards in a relationship. For me it would be ltb sign

I'm a bloke, and I'd be REALLY disturbed if anyone said I had to be obsessed with them. That's such disordered, weird thinking. My concern would be what is this crazy guy capable of doing if you don't conform to his wishes. I've read all your comments, OP, and I would be showing him the door, like his previous partners have done. You and your child deserve better than this utter nonsense.

That’s easier to get out of than a house purchase.
You’re not married — another tick
No joint children. - ditto.
I’d be looking for somewhere else to live asap. He sounds either very needy or very domineering, definitely me me me.

Bloody hell, run for the hills OP, no way would I put up with that shit...

I don’t know tbh.

he is ok with my DD, doesn’t really have a lot to do with her which is my preference but he has always been good to her in front of her etc

so he wants the limerance of a new relationship. Is he meant to be obsessed with you too?

Sounds like this is an excuse for him to line up an OW.

It's pretty clear that HE is the centre of his universe, if you were the centre of his universe he would give a fuck about your happiness as well as his.

Also, in response to his whinging you organised and paid for two holidays. That worked out so well for him that it's not surprising that he's ramping it up.

He did say that his last relationship ended because ‘she changed’ after they had their child.

He says he is obsessed with me but nothing is ever enough, so if we spend all day together then 2 days later we havnt seen each other much recently. He says that it’s a good thing he wants to be obsessed with me and me with him

This isn’t a healthy mature relationship, he is very selfish and massively insecure. You cannot fix him, but he will destroy you if you let him. Do not wait until you have lost your friendships, your family and a good relationship with your child attempting to placate him. Whatever you do it will never be enough.

My DH says “You’re a bit obsessed with me, aren’t you?” And I laugh and say “Absolutely!” Because so what? I don’t think it’s humiliating to admit I’m crazy about him still. He feels the same about me. Why get hung up on semantics?

You haven’t read the whole thread have you? A light hearted joke in your relationship is not what this OP is dealing with. It is not just semantics but a demand for her total and utter compliance.

Immature. Needs binning.

English is his first language and he is very aware of what obsession means

He is "ok" with her?

The man who shares her home and is a male role model to her is just "ok" with her? Don't you think she deserves better than that? Some bloke living in her house that doesn't have much to do with her and thinks she's in the way?

but I also love my DD, my work, my dogs, but to him these can ‘get in the way of our time’

I think he'll get worse the more he wears you down, and he'll increasingly treat the things and people you love as obstacles and rivals.

It's an ugly thing.

My DH uses the term obsession but it's shorthand for crazily in love, want to be together, build a future together what it doesn't mean is I have to centre him at all times or him me. Yes we make an effort to get time together but with life that can sometimes be tough to do so we make an effort. However he also supports me with working and takes an interest, supports me with my dd, supports me in other friendships and family. Basically he lifts me to be the best I can be for me, he doesn't try to limit me to just be there for him.

Is your dp supporting you to be the best you?

He sounds disordered.

This is all too extreme and intense.

Of course his ex changed after she'd had their child - she paid a lot of attention to their child and I bet he didn't like it one little bit.

"I also love my DD, my work, my dogs, but to him these can ‘get in the way of our time’ 🥴"

"about January he kinda mentioned it for the first time, possibly the trigger was me taking on a bit of overtime at work to cover some expenses. (I only work 3 days a week and I am the main breadwinner) so it’s not like it massively ate up all our time and was for joint expenses and goals! "

"He is moping like told off puppy this morning because Iv put my foot down and said I am not pandering to this nonsense anymore. But it won’t be the end of it"

He's become very controlling in a matter of just a few months and wants to be the absolute number one focus of your life. I see why his other relationships ended around this time, he's unreasonable and scary. He wants that new relationship energy to last forever and even more, to be your focus all the time and that's just not going to happen.

Obsession is not healthy. He is retaliating when you don't center him. You know he'll not like it when you go out so you're not. He mopes when you tell him you won't center on him every minute. It affects your sex life.

Your behaviour is already changing because he's using his neediness to control you. So many red flags. This relationship is becoming toxic.