Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

I agree, I generally hate the whole "testing" thing but you need to see how he responds/behaves in this kind of situation.

Although if I'm being completely honest, from all the information you presented in this thread (a lot of which was very concerning), I think it's going to be a huge mistake to stay with him.

I'd be alert that he's setting you up to fail so he can move on to someone who will worship him (DONT fall into the trap of massaging his ego). He's being weird.

I think what the OP’s got here is precisely the opposite problem, @JackdawRoost. He’d be doing her a massive favour if he upped and moved on, but it sounds like he’ll be digging his fingernails in the doorpost if she actually asks him to leave.

All his behaviour has the markers of coercive control, which is always rooted in insecurity. He may not have escalated yet, but all the clinginess is absolutely classic - what he’s really saying is ‘You are responsible for how I feel’; ‘I can only be happy if you’re constantly pandering to my smothering emotional needs’; ‘I can’t cope unless your life is centred around me to the exclusion of everything and everyone else, including your own chid’.

It starts with altering your behaviour in small increments to manage their emotions and reactions and keep them on an even keel, and ends years later with you suddenly waking up and realising you’re always anxious, unhappy and treading on eggshells, and have relinquished so much of yourself and your life that there’s nothing of you left. The boiled frog analogy is very apt.

Huge mistake not to have ended it, OP. Unless he’s prepared to get some serious therapy, his insecurity will continue to be the governing force in your relationship, and it will not end well (ask me how I know).

OP please come back to this thread for help and advice as often as you need. Don’t be put off asking in the future, just because you haven’t ended it immediately on our request.
It can take a long time to realise what’s actually happening. Your situation has struck a chord with a lot of experienced posters and I think we all just want you and your dd to be safe and happy.

What are you getting out of this relationship that makes you want stay in it? So far you've only listed very superficial things, but fundamentally his core beliefs are very dangerous. He believes he should be the centre of attention, that you should pander to it. He believes it's ok to track his ex's location on her phone. It takes years to change those beliefs, if at all.

Any change you see from him right now will be temporary, and will only serve his purpose to either get his hooks in further, or start shopping around for another relationship to move on to.

OP, sorry to say but you are in a trauma bond which is why it's so hard to end it. Please start learning about abuse behaviour and language. I recommend you read 'It's Not You' by Ramani Durvasula.

Start listing all the things that are giving you the 'ick' but this time put a vocabulary on it. For example: the demands for xxx's on his messages and his dissatisfaction with your compliance = overly prescriptive demands and a double-bind. Keep a private journal of how often these things are happening, because I guarantee he will slip back into his old ways.

It wasn't until I started going to therapy that I realised what was happening to me and started to get the strength to leave. But by that time the abuse had escalated into rape. So many others here have been through terrible experiences and can see the warning signs in your posts and want to save you the pain. The risk to you and your DD is far too great.

A prior poster mentioned your lease was up for renewal soon?

Whatever you do, don't do that.
It's actually the perfect way to see if he can respect your boundaries. Tell him you want to live on your own with your daughter for a while and step back to just dating him and living seperate.

A decent man would say he understands he's been too full on and that you need the space and look to move out immediately or ASAP (and - follow through), telling you you could put him back on the next lease IF and when you are ready. Not saying they wouldn't be upset but they'd respect that you'd already told them you felt smothered and if giving you your own place is what it took to make you feel conformable again and prove they can change then its what needs to be done.

If he won't move out, YOU move out (at the end of this lease term or asap). But do not sign another lease with him under any circumstances.

And btw, if you have any shared bank accounts, take your share of the money out ASAP. His sort, have been known to clear accounts out to trap you with them.

You wouldn't see me for dust if a partner started talking like this OP.

He believes it's ok to track his ex's location on her phone.

Fucking hell, I must have missed that in the updates. This is very, very bad @Forestdark. He has full on stalker vibes/red flags all over him.

If you can’t make your rational brain believe his behaviour is terminally problematic, please take notice of your heart and your gut feelings. Normal, healthy relationships don’t make you feel physically and emotionally exhausted. You don’t feel a sense of relief and of somehow being ‘off the hook’ when your partner goes away.

I recognise all of this; the problem is, the relationship is predicated on both of you making excuses and allowances for him until the control/response dynamic between you becomes normalised. And then it takes a massive wake up call for you to suddenly see it for what it really is - deeply fucked up - and to be able to start extricating yourself from the situation.

He’s already jealous of your daughter, your dog (FFS!), your work, your social life - he considers they all ‘get in the way’ of your focus, which must be 100% on him at all times; you know he would ‘disapprove’ of you going out without him, which suggests you’ve already stopped doing that.

Soon the phone checking will start, the alertness to any conversation you may have with anyone, the sniffing out of ‘other men’ in every fucking scenario - it won’t be worth the aggro to do anything or be anything other than what he deems acceptable. Your world will become smaller and smaller, and so will you. If he has form for monitoring his ex, he may already be tracking your phone and could easily have put a tracker in your car, especially if you’re going to be home alone for a bit.

I feel sick at the thought of how all this might impact on your child. I know only too well how on-edge and joyless life can become for everyone who shares a home with a highly controlling man - and he’s not even her dad.

As a PP said, please come back to this thread when you need to and re-read the advice you’ve been given. When, not if, because sadly that time will definitely come, even if you don’t think so right now.

You are looking forward to him not being there for a while.

Says it all.

Your lease is coming up? I'd be telling him I need to focus on my DC at this stage and be fully there for her, so the next place will be just the two of you.

That he can find his own place and give you both space.

And honestly I'd be getting in touch with his ex for a frank conversation about why they split. What he was like after 'she changed' when she became a mum.

So you’ve given him a telling off and now he’s going to change. I despair

Thank you all for the inputs I do really appreciate it.

I am particularly aware of the impact this may have on my daughter, she seems pretty chilled at the moment and I make sure I have time with just her and prioritise her (to DP annoyance sometimes!)

it’s complicated because I think (I know) he is obsessed with me he tells me every day how he loves me, I do something big at work and he will say how proud he is etc, he says all the time he can’t wait to be home from work just to chill with me, he is thoughtful, occasional flowers, cards, buys thing I like as I said before he does a lot indoors, is always trying to impress me with different things. We share the same interests and I merely mentioned something a few months ago and he surprised me and DD with tickets for us all. He looks after me if I am unwell.

BUT, he does seem to also want me to be very grateful for it.

If I don’t show kinda OTT thanks he will keep asking if the flowers were ok etc

I think he was a shy child who was told they were shit a lot of the time so he is desperate to be told he is doing a good job.

He split from his ex for many reason, he said she hit him (this was reported by the health visitor apparently and was raised by CAFCASS when they went to court for a child arrangement order), she cheated (although the said he kinda did too once he found out) it all sounds like a toxic mess tbh. But that isn’t my business, they have a fairly ok co parent relationship now.

There are a lot of good points to him. But the negatives are pretty huge.

I don’t feel on egg shells currently, I tell him he is being ridiculous when I think he is, but it is like telling a puppy off.

No he isn’t obsessed with you @Forestdark he is entirely caught up in himself every act that looks like he is with you is designed to get it for himself. Nothing in this is about you - you are not the main character is his story HE is.

the fact you make a teenager live with this is potentially pretty bad - why? Yes she may seem chilled but what are you actually teaching her - long term relationships healthy ones are about obsession they are about respect and love and yours have neither

so why are you staying?

"he says all the time he can’t wait to be home from work just to chill with me"

I feel suffocated just reading that.

It's like telling a puppy off.

But the thing is that you DO have to tell puppies off if they get above themselves, otherwise you end up with a dog that rules the roost and people who are afraid to move in their own home in case they get bitten. He needs more than telling, I'm afraid. He'll sit back quietly and be 'doting'...and then the drip drip drip of what he wants will start again.

You're showing your daughter what relationships look like and this is not a healthy one.

it all sounds like a toxic mess tbh. But that isn’t my business,

Well, yes and no as to whether it's your business. How he behaved in previous relationships is of interest and relevance, because past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

His story is basically that she was the classic "crazy ex". She was the aggressor, was she? Hmm. But he was the one tracking her movements when you first got together.

You know his version of how that relationship ended up toxic, but you have the actual fact of his stalking obsessive behaviour towards her.

Yet you're choosing to treat it as something naughty he's done like a puppy and can be trained out of.

He's not a puppy. He's a very worrying individual.

This really isn’t a healthy relationship. It’s suffocating and will only get worse.

It blows my mind just how many women on threads like this describe deeply unhinged behaviour by men they have moved in with, and they are happy for these pyschos to be around their children.

For some women the need for a man absolutely outweighs any rationale.
It is so sad.

OP, he's like a lovely cup of tea with a drop of poison in it, would you risk drinking it, because its mostly lovely tea?

He's using love bombing as a method of coercion. He's not obsessed with you, he's trying to control you with words of praise, flowers, cards and love.

He's emotionally immature, incapable of having a mature relationship while falling back to a pattern of destructive behaviour even knowing by experience it doesn't work.

You can't fix him. You can speak up, he'll be contrite and agree with you for a while, until his emotional reality, who he is, takes you back to the same coercive place.

Leaving a relationship when deep down you think you are "loved too much" is hard. The real problem is that you are not loved too much, you are being manipulated in a toxic relationship.

@Forestdarkcan you be 100% you when you are with him (honestly) ?!
From my experience when you have the puppy/ick feeling it’s almost impossible to re-balance that dynamic - if you’re absolutely honest with yourself, does having this amount of pressure to be the you he wants you to be, feel worth it ?
On the other side of having ended a relationship like this, it’s pure bliss not having to ‘perform’ any more. We get one chance at this little life OP

Re your daughter:

(b)I make sure I have time with just her and prioritise her (to DP annoyance sometimes!).*

How does this annoyance with your own daughter present itself? Does he huff and puff, sulk, stomp about like a stroppy teenager?
No wonder your daughter doesn't have much to do with him when she can clearly see he resents her having any of your attention.
You can say she's chilled, blah blah, but I guarantee she doesn't like sharing HER HOME with a man like this. But you love this wanker which makes it all OK.🙄

100% agree. His ex was allegedly a toxic, crazy, violent woman - and yet he was monitoring her movements and complaining about how ‘she changed’ after childbirth (i.e. her focus shifted away from him).

Allowing yourself to believe that his behaviour and his explanations can co-exist and make any kind of sense involves a hell of a lot of cognitive dissonance - you really have to want to buy this man’s version of himself.

‘He’s obsessed with me’ is not the basis of any kind of healthy relationship. As for ‘he can’t wait to get home from work and just chill with me’ - this doesn’t sound sweet or endearing, it just sounds like he can’t wait to get you alone in a room so you can make googly eyes at him and he can monitor your every movement, emotion and reaction. It’s smothering and creepy.

Like I said before, OP, your world will get smaller and so will you. Eventually there’ll be nothing in it except him, watching you like a hawk.

@EnjoythemoneyJane I think a small part of the OP is flattered by the fact he seems obsessed with her - I’m not knocking that OP, I’ve been there and after a DH who always put me second at best it was immensely flattering initially - but as @EnjoythemoneyJane says - it gradually sneaked up that he got incredibly possessive and started questioning anything I did or anywhere I went that didn’t involve him - it became really claustrophobic - he too was always doing ‘nice things’ - ‘hey look how I look after you , put you first ‘ kind of stuff- problem was I wanted at least some space - and there wasn’t any at all. It felt churlish to be having issues with the guy who ‘always’ insisted on picking me up, who showered me with non asked for stuff , and then it started with the calling me at work all the time about every little thing ( this was before mobiles) -

Someone doesn’t have to be a horrible arse to not be right for you , it can just be their relationship style irritates . In this case I suspect his ex would say the same ‘claustrophobic and needy’ - it is often these kinds who act like a psycho if you end it too as they have made you their whole world- so be very careful and protect yourself if you end it - and I think you should - I doubt it will get better although he may well now be much better for a few months as he’s aware he is irritating you.

I think a small part of the OP is flattered by the fact he seems obsessed with her - I’m not knocking that OP, I’ve been there and after a DH who always put me second at best it was immensely flattering initially -

It's not as flattering if she were to consider that this is not unique or special to her relationship with him, but just how he operates towards his partners.

His stalking of his ex's movements indicates the same level of obsession there too. He does it to anyone he's with.

I wouldn’t bother giving any more advice as the OP is clearly going to ignore it. See you again in a few months OP….🙄

@category12 oh I totally agree- but it’s very easy initially to think it’s ’just You’ especially if it’s first time you experience it.