Is my husband an Incel?

[DiannaSpanna]

Hubby and I finally got round to watching Adolescence on Netflix this week.

When we finally finished we chatted for ages about it and at one point he asked what incel meant. So I explained it was involuntary celibacy and that it was guys who couldn't find a woman to sleep with. He joked "so married men?".

This got me prickly and I responded that it's different, but he thought about it for a bit and then made the point that if a husband wants sex and his wife doesn't, he's therefore involuntary celibate. I couldn't argue, as I got what he meant and he wasn't have a dig at me or women in general, just stating what it conjured up for him. But it got my back up all the same and I've not been able to stop thinking about it.

I know why. At the beginning of our relationship and marriage we had a very healthy sex life. He's great in bed, generous and still gorgeous. But after 3 kids, my body changing and generally mellowing, I don't really feel sexual desires anymore. And I'm happy with that. It feels right for me.

So I can't even remember the last time we had sex. It's definitely been over a year.

He's clearly still keen, flirts and tries it on from time to time. But I just don't feel like it. He never guilts or pressures me and is super respectful, but I can see it hurts him to be rejected. And he definitely seems less joyous than he used to and just generally deflated.

So I'm worried that I've made my husband an incel, if not in terms of red pill forums and Andrew Tate etc (he's not an idiot), but the feelings of sadness and resentment that come from being rejected.

When it comes to sex, I have all the control. He has none and has to wait for if and when I feel like it. Which is almost never anymore. When I put myself in his shoes, and if the situation were reversed, I would be angry and feel powerless.

So I find myself in a place where I really don't know what to do. I love him to bits and adore our life together, but I've changed and now he's got to live without something as fundamental as sex - through no fault of his own.

I don't know why I'm writing this here, but would love to know if anyone else is going through the same and if you have any advice.

Seriously dude you're on the wrong platform

Rude! And she isn't

An incel has an ideology. They want to use women for sex and that includes rape. Incels have killed people and are considered extremists. They don't see women as human beings but something they're entitled to.

That doesn't sound like your husband. I wouldn't want to be in a celibate relationship but he's obviously made his peace with it.

Sorry I typed thinking your post was a jest

But, if you have a low libido and are happy with that great, if he hasn't you have a problem.
Have some counselling, see if your hormones are okay, it's a strange post to be honest

A relationship is many things and often sex is an important part of it.

if both are happy with no sex fine. If not either one will feel pressured into it or the other will find elsewhere

Why are the first few responses so weird? It can be hard when you and your partner have different feelings towards sex. I think it’s something to talk about with him. You certainly shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to though.

I think part of the issue with incels is that they want the ‘emotional support animal’ aspect of a wife/GF as well as the sex. Assuming your H gets the former, his lack of the latter isn’t quite in incel territory.

The incel bit is a mislead here.

It's about op realising her husband is trapped and forced into celibacy by promises he made to her when they married. They married when their relationship was in a different place and she didn't imagine ever rejecting him or withholding sex, or losing interest in it all together.

Personally I think it's sad. I wouldn't stay in his situation, but I'm not your husband. I think it might be something to talk about though. He may eventually cheat or meet somebody else he may just mumble along becoming resentful or it could be nothing. He's clearly unhappy though.

He’s not an incel @DiannaSpanna if he doesn’t share that ideology.

But he is experiencing enforced celibacy, yes, because you do not want to have sex with him.

its up to him how he responds to that.. accepts it and stays. Accepts it and leaves. Has an affair.

if he loves you and wants a sexual relationship then from his perspective it’s a tough situation and whilst you should never have any sex you don’t want, I think toil should talk to him about how he’s feeling about that.

Don't really know how to respond to that. I just wanted to voice my feelings, as I don't feel comfortable talking to friends and family about this.

I mean he could no longer be involuntary celibate if he stopped being a self pitying cunt. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find there’s nothing more unattractive than a man who is unkind and whines about not getting sex. It makes my vagina clamp shut tighter than a Yorkshire man’s wallet. Just ask him why he thinks he’s entitled to a shag when he behaves like a manchild.

Yeah this pretty much sums up how I've been thinking. I want to be true to myself, but I also realise that effects him profoundly.

I don't want to do anything I don't feel into, but I don't want him to be denied his wants and needs.

I guess I'm going to have to broach it with him. I just don't see any other options that what you listed. The thought of which terrifies me.

Whoa. Did you read what I wrote? He doesn't whine and isn't unkind, quite the opposite - which is what breaks my heart. He's never made me feel pressured or resented. He's been nothing but understanding.

Sorry but making a snippy comment about never getting sex is whining. He clearly feels he’s entitled to it

Im also amazed he doesn’t know what an incel is. Has he been living under a rock?

YABU to use that word in this situation. It's like people who use ghosting and narcissist and don't know what it means.

OP I'm sorry you're getting such weird replies I don't know wtf is going on
No he's not an incel. That is quite a specific term attached to a very hateful ideology that has led to murder.
But I don't see how the current situation can last. You shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want, but you can't really expect your spouse to be happy with zero sex permanently.
Is counseling an option?

Op, counselling might be a good idea. Or have you considered hrt. You used to enjoy sex, is it possible hrt would restore that and you would want to?

I'd consider both options, because asking your DH to go half his life without sex will be difficult for him.

Wow, name calling for no reason. OP stated he's a lovely husband. He's entitled to have a conversation with his wife about their sex life.
Is he meant to accept it with no discussion?
A sexless marriage can lead to cheating & breaking up families, so talking is a good way to solve issues.

Nowhere did it mention him saying he was entitled.

Talking about it has prompted OP to ask here as she's looking for solutions, not to have her DH insulted.

I’d be very worried if I never felt desire at all. It’s a bit like never feeling hungry or thirsty. Personally I’d talk to the GP about it but long term are you really expecting your husband just to never have sex again?

As some have said OP, counselling could help.

I don't really feel sexual desires anymore. And I'm happy with that. It feels right for me.
The issue here is that it doesn't feel right for him.
As a team, it's about compromise or being open in telling him you never want to have sex again. Then it's up to him to make his own choice, as you've made yours.

Talking and working towards what makes both of you happy as a partnership is the goal.

You shouldn't have sex if you don't want to, but as you said, if it was the other way round, you'd feel angry and powerless, so he's entitled to those feelings too.

You are definitely getting a few weird replies here OP

I do think incel is a red herring here. Nothing to do with marriages where one person wants sex and another doesn’t.

One thing I would say is, IME the less you have sex the less you feel like having it. And the reverse is also true. So examine whether you really truly don’t want sex, or if you’ve just got out of the habit iyswim.

Bit of a weird question, but do you want to want sex? Or are you planning on never having sex again? It sounds like maybe you don’t miss it?

If you’d like to be in a position to want sex more, that sounds like you’d have more options of things to try, counselling/medication etc? If you’re happy with never having sex again I guess that’d be a bit different.

Edited: terrible spelling…

I’d be very worried if I never felt desire at all. It’s a bit like never feeling hungry or thirsty.

No it isn't. Nobody dies because they don't have sex. The OP raised a serious point; she's not interested in sex but she knows that's difficult for her partner.
How do you square that circle? Maybe you can't.

I hate the idea that gets punted on here whenever this is raised that there is something wrong with the partner who doesn't want to have sex and they must be treated with counselling or HRT. I have no interest in sex any more. Nothing will change that.