Is my husband an Incel?

[DiannaSpanna]

Hubby and I finally got round to watching Adolescence on Netflix this week.

When we finally finished we chatted for ages about it and at one point he asked what incel meant. So I explained it was involuntary celibacy and that it was guys who couldn't find a woman to sleep with. He joked "so married men?".

This got me prickly and I responded that it's different, but he thought about it for a bit and then made the point that if a husband wants sex and his wife doesn't, he's therefore involuntary celibate. I couldn't argue, as I got what he meant and he wasn't have a dig at me or women in general, just stating what it conjured up for him. But it got my back up all the same and I've not been able to stop thinking about it.

I know why. At the beginning of our relationship and marriage we had a very healthy sex life. He's great in bed, generous and still gorgeous. But after 3 kids, my body changing and generally mellowing, I don't really feel sexual desires anymore. And I'm happy with that. It feels right for me.

So I can't even remember the last time we had sex. It's definitely been over a year.

He's clearly still keen, flirts and tries it on from time to time. But I just don't feel like it. He never guilts or pressures me and is super respectful, but I can see it hurts him to be rejected. And he definitely seems less joyous than he used to and just generally deflated.

So I'm worried that I've made my husband an incel, if not in terms of red pill forums and Andrew Tate etc (he's not an idiot), but the feelings of sadness and resentment that come from being rejected.

When it comes to sex, I have all the control. He has none and has to wait for if and when I feel like it. Which is almost never anymore. When I put myself in his shoes, and if the situation were reversed, I would be angry and feel powerless.

So I find myself in a place where I really don't know what to do. I love him to bits and adore our life together, but I've changed and now he's got to live without something as fundamental as sex - through no fault of his own.

I don't know why I'm writing this here, but would love to know if anyone else is going through the same and if you have any advice.

What? That’s why she is asking - she isn’t sure!

If your husband is good looking kind and generous and respectful about sex then on a dating site he will get plenty of women after him . He will be snapped up

honestly OP he sounds like a good man
They are increasingly rare to find

Do you work
I remember a friend of mine said she felt the only power she had in the relationship was sex as she didn’t work was a SAHM and it the one thing she could control
he DH left her for a work colleague and she was devastated.

Think about what would happen if he just decided you know what I don’t want to live another 5 -10 years like this in a non sex relationship
or don’t want to even spend another 6 months like this

Where would you be financially
would you have to sell up and move
see your kids part time
if you chat explain it’s not him that you don’t want to have sex with - just that you have lost all desire for sex full stop and that you

Don’t just say I don’t want sex

it’s telling that you can’t even remember when you last had sex - you say a year but I bet it’s more like 18 months or so

you could be peri menopausal and there are lots of options for HRT and vagina estrogen options to help replace the lost hormones and estrogen if you look into it
They aren’t miracles but they can help

I hope you talk to him and find some middle ground

Some very thoughtful responses here. For some couples sex is not an integral and central part of the relationship, for others it is. Everyone has a total right over their own body and should never be made to do anything sexual they don't want to do but equally, intimacy (however that looks for you and your partner) is part of a relationship and can you really decide you no longer want that aspect but expect everything else to continue as is? Obviously exceptions for major medical issues as the marriage vows are in sickness and in health but it is still not wrong to have a clear conversation.

For me, work & babies etc I did allow the sex part of my marriage to fade. I still fancied him, he pulls his weight absolutely at home, great relationship in general and he never made me uncomfortable or pushed it but you could tell he missed that aspect.

What worked for me was a slight mindset shift. I started being more touchy, feely, flirty in general, he was responsive. For sex I never said no just because I cba. If I was a bit tired, or just had something else on my mind, I changed the default answer to yes. I found once I was back in the habit I started craving it more, we started to have a lot of fun, it really rekindled it.

That solution worked for me but to be clear because he was always fully respectful of my boundaries, only took enthusiastic consent as a go sign, made me feel safe, loved and cherished and prioritised me and my needs in the bedroom. It sounds like OP is similar in that its generally a good guy but this side has faded with the advent of life.

Lack of a sex drive and a desire to fix it is fine for a relationship if you are both genuinely happy with that. It is a huge danger to the relationship if only one of you feels like the other nods and smiles whilst feels differently.

This is an issue that I would need to address if I were you. Taking sex off the table completely could result in him looking elsewhere and genuinely seems unfair to me.

So perhaps think about what the options are and there are options even if they don’t seem great

No sex
Sex with other people
Sex with you

Personally I would try and find my mojo, I’m not telling you to lie back and think of England as that is so wrong. But to genuinely see if you can get the desire back.

My husband sometimes does things he'd rather not do and so do I. To make each other happy!

Compromise doesn't mean crossing boundaries (no one should be forced to do that) but it does mean considering other people and expecting them to do the same. It feels good! I'm not explaining myself very well but I hope you get the gist

So would you be happy if he found his serial satisfaction elsewhere? If the answer is no then you need help. I dont think it's fair expecting him not to have sex.

I dont get the incel reference tbh. He isn't an incel he's sexually deprived by you.

It is reasonable for your husband to want to have sex with you, the woman he loves. You are within your rights to not do something you don't want to do, but your husband might not wish to continue the marriage if this goes on much longer. You don't say how old you are, but maybe your hormones have reduced and a visit to the GP might help. Even if you don't want to have full sex with your husband, would you consider "helping him out" manually or orally at least? It would give him pleasure and might be a compromise you can be more comfortable with?

Gosh your poor husband. Not only do you expect him to be celibate you are now seriously bandying the term ‘incel’ around him. I feel really sorry for him.

I agree with previous posters that for your relationship to work you need to work on finding a way to want and enjoy sex again.
It is definitely possible to go from having a low sex drive to wanting sex again. There can be many things to help including having time for yourself, buying things that make you feel sexy & getting alone time with your partner.

It sounds like his little ‘joke’ has rocked your boat of just plodding along… but that’s good that it has kick-started communication. Hard as it might be to discuss this with him, it will help if you can talk.
It sounds like you have lost some confidence (from what you said about your body changing). It sounds like he still really fancies you though (from what you said about the flirting).
Your relationship sounds otherwise good, so I hope you guys can resolve this.

Totally get that, and forgive me here, but I got the impression that the kids are at least 5 years old and older. Having seen my wife go through 3 quite traumatic births the thought of pressuring her to have sex immediately after {or even 6 months or a year in fact) didn't even occur to me. And my relationship with my wife changed dramatically (no sex) too. As has continued to unfortunately but for loads of different reasons that are blatant and some far more subtle in origin. I've always had far more of sex drive than my wife but for me sometimes you've got to set your own desires aside for the greater good (of the overall relationship and marriage and the kids and life). Perhaps I've compromised too much.... But then again I'm not perfect in any way shape or form (faithful however). The points moot now anyway, wife is seriously ill with not a great outlook so life is changing for her, and for the kids and me. Life just isn't so black and white as you know. But that fella isn't an incel, he just wants to feel wanted. And sex is a massive massive part of that for a bloke.

It's a very lucky couple whose sexual needs are always matched. Even if they are closely matched at the beginning (like in the OP's case), they can change at a different pace as you age. It definitely can create feelings of rejection, resentment, loss of confidence etc. The only way to deal with this is with compromise for as long as your reasonably can, then suck it up or leave after the point when you can no longer compromise. So it's not actually true to say you should only have sex if you want to. Up to a point, you should be willing to try to put yourself in the mood for a reasonable, loving partner. It's just part of the give and take, but as a I say, only up to a point. After that point, if you are pressured or have to deal with unreasonable sulking - no that's beyond the point.

Technically, OP DH is an incel (as he's celibate not by choice). Not all incels are embittered mysogonists, indeed not all incels are heterosexual men. You get femcels and gaycels too.

It’s fab stuff along with the vagina pesseries
The sad thing is a lot of doctors don’t explain or offer it
you have to do

I am mid 50s. I wouldn't care if I never had sex again. I don't feel strong desire for sex.

However, I do still enjoy it once we get started. I don't feel strongly that DH is not to come near me. I am just not bothered. So we still do it, about once a fortnight, with me giving him a bit of oral in between usually.

I think that making an effort is important as a married couple. DH loves me and doesn't want to look elsewhere, but his libido is definitely more active than mine. I feel like it wouldn't be fair to shut up shop just because I am not especially fussed. That is different from actively not wanting sex with this person (or any person) in my book.

I think most women in long marriages are similar to me.

No one is required to stay in a sexless marriage.

I really feel for both of you. I’ve had times where my sex drive completely disappeared, and even the idea of being intimate made me feel sick. If I’d been married, I know I would’ve felt so guilty, especially knowing how important that connection can be for a lot of men. You want your partner to feel loved, but it’s tough when you're just not in that space.
I’m with someone who still lives with his wife. They haven’t had sex in about 4 years, and for almost a decade before that, it was rare. They ended up in separate bedrooms. I totally understand why she might have felt that way, but I also understand his frustration and loneliness. It’s such a hard situation for everyone but you stay together so not upset the children- eventually they'll probably divorce.
From what you've said, your husband sounds like a good man. If you're open to it, maybe look into couples counselling or have some hormone checks

What an unbelievably ridiculous response.

OP I’ve no idea why so many posters are being such arseholes - I really sympathise with your dh, I’m in a similar situation and it is devastating to your self esteem. Have you tried any counselling or just spending time in bed together without necessarily feeling pressured to do anything? It’s such a tough situation.

My husband shut up shop involuntarily, botched TURP operation. It was a very difficult time for us until eventually the menopause took care of my grief.

Advice? Be intimate with your husband. Over a year without sex is way to long. It works for you but clearly not him.

@DiannaSpanna if you love your dh (clearly do ) and don’t want to split I’d make the effort to have sex. Keep your connection alive , don’t let a distance come between you both.
He may love you but he could find love and sex somewhere else. Instead of being miserable having to live without.
Im sure it’s not what he signed up for when he got married .

Realistically this isn’t sustainable.

This answer reveals a lot more than you think it does about how transactional you believe sex to be. It's not bad for a committed partner to seek intimacy with their spouse and to voice when they feel that intimacy, achieved in part through the closeness of sex, is waning - or, in OP's case, has been non existent for at least a year. The failure to communicate that hurt and feeling of rejection early enough (regardless of what OP intended or what caused her low sex drive, this seems to be the way her DP is feeling) could spell the beginning of the end of the marriage.

I think you need to seek counselling fast. He is clearly unhappy with the situstion. So he may have an affair (who could blame him?), or he may go to prostitutes (ditto, but taking money out of the family budget as well) or if he is a decent bloke who still loves you, even though you seem to have made no effort whatsoever to rekindle your sex life, he will stay with you and be deeply unhappy until one of you dies. Either make an effort or set him free.

If your husband is gorgeous and great and you’re unilaterally preventing a mutual sex life, be prepared for him to cheat in due course.