Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

My first response would be ‘you have to go while I figure out what to do next.’ Then I’d figure out what to do next. But first thing would be telling him he had to find somewhere else to stay.

My heart goes out to you. Its late and you may not get many replies until morning.

I want you to know you're not alone out there.
I have great admiration for your determination to go to the interview. You have your priorities right.

I am so sorry. What an awful shock. You will get through this!

I’m sorry OP, I can imagine how hard this is to get your head around. The fact that you are thinking of your lovely son and not wanting to spoil his Easter whilst your husband has only been thinking of his dick. Please reconsider doing more counselling, your husband does not deserve another chance and you will be always looking over your shoulder and wondering what he is up to on his phone. I would wait til your son is in bed and have it out and say you need some time to process this due to his behaviour. Then it’s get your ‘ducks in a row’ time and keep it to yourself whilst you consider your options. Go and see a solicitor for a one off hour’s charge to get an idea of your financial position in a divorce. Can you talk to any trusted family or friends? You will be okay, even if things seem scary now. You only get one life and deserve to be happy and have peace at home. You are not breaking up your family, your husband has done that with this and previous antics. Good luck for your interview and for your qualification.

So sorry he's pulled the rug out like this.

Counselling is great to work through lots of problems. But in this scenario I would save your time and money. A counsellor can't persuade someone to not cheat, sleep with sex workers, lie, drink, etc.

Oh wow!! Aren’t you just amazing! The fact you have just been hit with this and you are able to think so clearly and prioritise while in the eye of the storm is incredible and speaks volumes about how you can and will manage going forward.

He’s completely disrespected you on a monumental level. I couldn’t come back from something so sordid. How dare he!

Try & confide in a friend if you can & see a solicitor asap for advice. Everything will be ok even though it feels like the end of happiness. I’d rather know. So glad you found out.

Wait until your son is in bed and calmly tell him then.

You can do this. We’re all here for you! You’ll do great in your interview by the way. Xx

Is he deliberately trying to destroy your chances in this interview ?
He sounds a self indulgent Dick.
You need an STI check
I would wait till I had complied copies of all important financial information. His pension, tax return, savings, life insurance, salary.
open a new bank account. Change all personal email/cloud log ins, log out of ipad etc.
then tell him he is no longer welcome on these outingS with DC. You are no longer a family, he has destroyed it.
Hold your head up, make it cold cystal clear, that his life has irrevocably changed as of that instant.
He will lie, gas light, blame you.
Be ready for this manipulation.
This has been going in for too long for it to be a drunken mistake.
Thus is who he is.
Fuck him

How awful.

if you can (the shock might help) try and concentrate on smashing your interview tomorrow and put this to the side.

Ideally you need space to think and decide what you want to do. Ask him to leave and don’t allow access to any paperwork before he goes.

You will get through this. You are a strong woman and able to prioritise your interview which is the first thing you have to get through. Then, as others have said, get copies of all financial information, keep important documents safe and seek legal advice. Although it's hard to think about, you may find some things easier as a single parent - sharing childcare should mean sharing school drop offs and pick ups and allow you to concentrate on your own career, for instance. I wish you luck however you tackle this.

I’m so sorry @beingstrongmumma you must feel like you’ve had the rug pulled from under you. You sound amazing and strong, and your little boy is very lucky to have such a brave smart Mum. You also sound like you’re in shock, so be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to process this.

Right now focus on your interview and try and put this to one side. If you can’t, then perhaps see if you can postpone your interview.

You don’t have to decide what you want to do right now. You don’t even need to confront him right now - you have your evidence. I’d think carefully about what you want to achieve by confronting him before you have that conversation.

And as @Mix56 says, gather all important docs first; gather evidence of income, assets, savings, pension, tax returns etc. and seek legal advice. As soon as you have the conversation with him and breaking up is potentially discussed, you have shown your hand and weakened your position so if he’s got a lot to loose financially he could start hiding assets etc. Doing this leg work now puts you in a stronger position to make an informed choice about how you could leave and set yourself and son up well, even if you ultimately decide to stay, or decide to delay the decision.

You also could choose to stay for now - and build towards leaving at a point when you’re in a better position career-wise / have built a support system around you etc.

Couples can come back from many difficult things - you may decide you want to try and that’s absolutely not something to feel ashamed about. But he would need to take full and frank accountability and be willing to do all the work to make this work. He may not be able or willing to do this, or you may feel you cannot forgive and move on.

This might be the tip of the iceberg, you may never know what else he’s been up to - but brace yourself for more to come out. If you don’t feel you can face a holiday as a family, could you go with just your son? It might give you some space to process.

Having said I wouldn’t check this thread till lunchtime today I’ve already been online. Thanks for the support. I’m in the bathroom with the door locked. Had a terrible hour or so sleep. Was very surprised that at 6am husband woke up saying hey and stroking my arm. I thought he’d be sleeping till much later. I said I’m going to have my shower and he’s asked me what’s wrong. I’ve stayed calm
and just said I don’t want to talk about anything this morning as I want to concentrate on my interview now. He then came into the kitchen when I was making coffee and tried to talk saying he was sorry about last night (I think he means the drunken turmoil coming into the house) and that he was so drunk he doesn’t remember what happened between us and was he horrible to me or something. I’ve repeated I’m going to have my shower now. He’s then come into the bathroom and said what’s wrong, I love you, why are you angry, what happened last night, I’m sorry I was drunk etc etc. I had to demand he move out if the way and leave the room so I could shut the door! I said I am not up for talking now as I’ve already had my night’s sleep ruined and I want to concentrate on my interview. I’ve said we will talk when I’m ready to.
am now in the bathroom trying to compose myself for today.

to answer your question I don’t have anyone I can talk to, no family or friends close enough to, or any other childcare.

Am thinking right now that perhaps this evening I tell him to leave or sleep elsewhere and have next week as a thinking space. Its first week of the school holidays and my child is going to an activity for a couple of hours a day.

sorry for rushing and typos

One last thing - I can see his WhatsApp was last seen around 0615 today, right about the time I went into my boys room to settle him and before husband said good morning. His phone was left neatly on the side by me so I wonder if he’s looked at the WhatsApp chats from last night and is now wondering if I’ve seen them.

Firstly I would do as you have done. Bank all the information but don't say anything.
Try to get some rest, smash this Interview. Don't get into a fight before you go to it. Focus !!!! This is your future.
Deal with the rest when you get back afterwards

Strongly agree but counselling to recognise reasons why we behave as we do and addressing that does work. I’m not saying that this can be fixed but specialist counselling for sex addiction can work . A lot depends on his attitude towards his behaviour.

Knowing how these issues/arguments/discussions can go, I’d say focus on what you’ve worked so hard to achieve today, then address the situation after that. I’m so sorry to tell you from bitter experience that there’s no way forward and I personally have not heard of anyone who was able to move forward from this as this always happens again and again. You must now protect yourself and your son.

Good luck with the interview.

Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking

Overall it sounds like you've put up with an absolute ton of shit and invested a huge amount into trying to "fix" this guy/relationship.

I don't think it's going to get better. In fact it is just getting worse. If it's not one "self-destructive" vice, he moves onto another. Fucking prostitutes is just awful, not only because of the betrayal but his attitude to sex and women.

The sunk costs fallacy will have you thinking you've put too much in to stop now, but crikey OP, it's not worth it. He's not worth it. Cut your losses.

he's revolting - keep calm and do your interview. Then I think you are right to ask him to move out and get some space to recuperate and then plan. I don't see how you can come back from this.

And to be honest, him going out and getting absolutely hammered and rolling in disturbing you the night before your big interview seems like an act of sabotage or aggression towards you.

He's not on your side.

I don’t have any practical advice as I’ve never been married and not sure on legalities (I’m sure he has a responsibility to keep a roof over your sons head though so I’m sure there’s no need to worry about losing your rental property or anything like that).

just wanted to say how admirable you’re coping so far after such a shock, I’m not sure many of us would be able to keep so calm and collected, let alone think logically enough to grab evidence (and store it securely!) what a wonderful strong woman you are, your little boy is very lucky indeed. I really do hope your interview goes well. Perhaps take a moment afterwards to have a coffee and think about what you want to say to him. He has no doubt detected something’s wrong and has gone into damage control in his head today while you’re out. Prepare yourself for anything is my advice (defensiveness, gaslighting, begging, pleading, even deflecting it onto you somehow) as he may go into panic mode.

keep that cool calm collected demeanour you’ve managed so far and keep us updated OP. Stay strong

I’m so sorry you found all this out the night before an important meeting, I hope you’ve woken up focused on the task ahead - park that sh*t until you get over this first hurdle today! You are going to have to confront him, sooner the better as it will eat away at you - sadly I know this from experience! Be calm and as a pp has said tell him to leave, you need space and time to think, the distance will be good for you. Personally I think your done, this will always be something that will haunt you and I’ll bet my house it’s be going on far longer than you’d ever expected. The level of deceit is high and that shows you the type of person you’re dealing with. He’s an entitled arse using prostitution to get his kicks all the while going to couple counselling sessions with you! You sound like a practical person who has the strength to make things work, I see a much brighter future for you without this nonsense in your life. You have a young child to consider and you’ll be surprised how resilient kids are - something that most definitely surprised me! In 2 years from now things will look very different, if you choose to stay and work at it I can guarantee it will eat you from the inside out. The person you trusted and loved is gone, get the financial side fixed asap and move on with your life, you are worth far more than this! Sending hugs your way and best of luck with the interview this morning! xx

What an absolute bastard he is.

As above- I'd suggest just focus on your interview, and once that is over tell him to get out and give you space to think.

You are strong. You've got this. You and your don will be OK.

Good luck for your interview.

thank you for the kind comments. I’m going to stop looking at this and get ready for my interview now, but just to offload after reading these posts… another thing which makes me anxious and sad is splitting up and my son losing his family stability. Long story but we only have us 3 and no wider family network and no male role models for my boy. His Daddy is is idol and has always been a great role model (calm, loving etc) up until this of course!! My son gets upset when his daddy works away or misses bedtime due to his long hours and I cannot imagine what having his dad move out would do to him. He’s so little I feel like his whole life chances just got halved! Especially in light of Adolescence etc and the importance of having that father figure - husband and I were only talking about how lucky our son is to have two present loving parents last week!! I’m often the boring parent who does bedtimes, routines etc and dad arrives at weekends to have all the fun. This will only bolster that view and I worry cause a wedge between me and my son and affect our relationship.

That’s just another thought jn my head. But I’ll park it all for now.

I would think about protecting your half of the house sale proceeds too?

Put that DH of yours on the back burner for now, deal with him when it suits you. I would tell him when you are clear headed and feeling calm you know how you want to handle this.

Get through your interview today that is the most important thing now, and I think getting him to go elsewhere would do you some good and allow you some thinking time!

If he refuses or asks you to go , he has no choice he has done wrong and you need time without uprooting your 4 year old. He might try all the tricks in the book but stand firm, calm and be clear it will be hard but you can do it!

Also, Daddy may be your 4 year olds idol....but he sleeps with prostitutes, is the kind of misogony you want your son growing up around?

I left my abusive ex when my DS was 6, my now 20 year old DS is fine. I didnt want him to grow up thinking it's ok to hit people!

Hope your interview goes well!

Daddy's behaviour in relationships and to mummy is also part of the role model. Your son isn't going to be aware of this stuff yet, but there's a big conflict between "great dad" and gambling, drinking, prostitute-using dad doing his best to ruin mummy's opportunities?