Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

You are coping so well at the moment, do look after yourself, as I feel sure this is all going to hit you very hard soon, you've done well to keep it all together so far,

Please please don't try to come back from this.

Not just because the terrible, terrible contempt he has shown you - but because of the contempt he has for all women, demonstrated by the fact that he is happy to penetrate them despite knowing that, if their circumstances were not so poor, they would not consent to this. He buys other humans.

I promise you your son will only benefit from not having this man as a role model. Those fundamental feelings about what women are for leak out all over the place, and your son will learn from them.

IME they are not sorry they did it, but sorry they got caught. They cry because they know what their actions have done to their lives, not yours and not your son's. All he can think about now is how much it will cost him financially, what he will have to do practically and where he will live. Sad but true.

There is always a reason they "didnt mean to" or "Just got carried away" or (most popular) "I think I might be having a breakdown".

I had a full mental breakdown in my 30's and was very ill, one of the things I didnt do was go out and shag random strangers.

You have got this, you are strong and determined. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother.

You've done really well op and I hope you get that job you interviewed for.

I said if you’ve decided this marriage is over please leave immediately. If not then I will need time to make decisions

Remember op, it's not about what he wants or decides. You can choose to do what's right for you and ds.

I can't imagine what goes through a man's mind when he uses a prostitute. He must have no empathy at all, dead behind the eyes.

@beingstrongmumma

Wow, you may not think so, but you are Wonder Woman. To deal with all this as outwardly calmly as you have is fantastic.

May I suggest that you also see a solicitor? Not because you're going to 'do anything' but just to get educated as to what divorce may mean to you. Take a 'snapshot' of your family finances and ask the solicitor what is 'normal, in your situation. They can also explain the various options regarding child residence and access and how courts in your area tend to see things. Again, it doesn't mean you're going to file for divorce, it's just that forewarned is forearmed. And when one is educated in this, it is easier to see one's options more clearly because fears about what a divorce may mean are calmed.

Good luck, you've got this.

He's set his life on fire. Don't let him take you down too.

This is a man with deep seated addiction, lying and exploitation issues. I'm not sure you're thinking how dangerous he is.

This person you're seeing now is the real him.

He will destroy your confidence, ability to trust, finances, new career, current job and your son's character.

A week is far too short of a time to even start to process what this means and who you could be without his dark, destructive influence in your life.

I did the same, it took me 5 years to build myself up....but in the end i had to leave. The first time he got caught he was sorrowful, the last few times he switched it like it was my fault. A man who visits prostitutes will keep visiting prostitutes. It is an addiction which is not easily broken without intense therapy. Trust me, all boundaries will be broken, it is just a matter of time.

Good luck with the interview. Know your self worth.

Tell him you've seen the whats apps. You have proof he has been seeing prostitutes.

I would still go on holiday, but ask him not to go. Tell your son he is working. Enjoy the week, and think about what next for you both. Do not consider your dh in this, and he needs to gove you headspace. He won't want to, it's not in his interest. He's a selfish man.

He will be upset at being found out. He's already decided to fuck you over. Don't bother with counselling, it's clearly not working.

Re your son, living in a home filled with bitterness and resentment is much worse than seeing his df for fun times, which is no change is it?

@Beesandhoney123 maybe read the OP's updates?

@Uphighseesky oh no- I missed all that. Thanks for pointing it out

Yes he certainly does have deep-rooted issues (sorry can’t find which pp said that) and we’ve known about this and been dealing with it for some time. We’ve both had tough upbringings in different ways but I think I’ve done more work as my upbringing was actually far worse. His situation only really came to the surface in the last year or two and was compounded by the death of his father and a lot of associated impact. Can’t go into details.
so he has been getting some help but I don’t think it’s enough, and I don’t think he’s been doing the work himself. Last night he said he’s going to stop drinking altogether - we’ll see- as the drink starts the ball rolling with the other behaviours. It’s not the issue in and of itself though, so he needs to get to grips with the psychological issues and traumas he’s holding and the way he reacts to triggers in life.

anyway that’s his shit, and I’m not making excuses whatsoever. As a pp said, I also had a shit childhood and haven’t gone round shagging sex workers.

He accepted everything and was crying. He said he’s got a massive problem (no shit Sherlock) and this past month since the overseas trip he’s lost control of his life.

I think it's quite telling - he knows you know about this weekend and the overseas trip last month, so he claims it started then. I'm willing to bet money it didn't start then. He's only going to admit what he thinks you've already found out. What a cowardly creep.

He hasn't "lost control". The only thing he's lost control of is your ignorance of his wrongdoings, which up till now he's controlled expertly

You sound really strong, OP. It must have been such a shock but you are doing all the right things. I'm sure the solo session with your therapist will be helpful.

You have a bit more time to decide about the holiday, but it might be best to go without him, I can't imagine wanting (or being able to) play happy families for a whole week at this point.

As for practicalities if and when you do decide to end the relationship (which you should definitely do, btw!)

• assuming you have a joint tenancy, you will need to change it to a sole tenancy in your name only. if it's a fixed term tenancy you can't usually do anything before the end of the fixed term unless both tenants and the landlord agree. But if it's a periodic tenancy then one tenant can end it (whether or not the other tenant agrees) - you would still need your landlord to agree to setting up a new tenancy in your sole name. https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/joint_tenancy_relationship_breakdown
• you said he is a high earner, so you might not have been claiming child benefit? If not you should put in a claim (and it can be backdated by up to 3 months)
• once you have separated and he is no longer paying towards rent/bills he should pay child maintenance, there is an online calculator for the legal minimum he should pay, and if he doesn't you should contact CMS
• with savings of £20k you won't be entitled to UC but you will obviously need to use your savings for rent and other living costs, and once your savings go below £16k you will be able to claim UC. Citizens Advice can tell you how much you'll get and how to claim https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/claiming/contact-us-about-universal-credit/
• in the longer term you will need a legal divorce including financial settlement. You might find you are entitled to more than half the proceeds from the house sale. Everything should be taken into account including pensions, earning power etc. https://www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

Don't expect him to be reasonable about any of it. See if you can continue couple's therapy to help with the separation. You might also need to do family mediation.

Good luck.

Thank you for this advice. This is all a bit overwhelming at the moment. I’m not ready to think about some of this to be honest. 30 hours ago I had every reason to think life was on the up for us all.

I’ve ordered a home STI kit as I think I’ll be too teary to speak to a clinician

ive asked and he said he used condoms for penetration but not for oral 🤮

Currently cuddling my boy in bed whilst he watches a cartoon, and ordering STI tests online. What a life!

You've handled this all so well. I hope you can have as good a week as possible with your son and hope you get positive job news soon.

Grim. I'm really sorry that he's not only betrayed you in the first place, but willingly put your health at risk like this.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Dont make any hasty decisions, if you are undecided next week, tell him you need more time. This is life changing for you and you need to be sure about your plans going forward.

You're doing absolutely brilliantly, I've actually got tears in my eyes after reading all this. I've got no advice, I can't imagine how badly I'd fold and break down if this happened to me. Keep up your strength and give that little boy another cuddle.

I agree. He’s been cheating for much longer than he’s admitted to.

Not easy (and then some) OP. Getting some space imminently sensible. The impact of this on you and your relationship cannot be underestimated. I am just so sorry you’re going through it.
IF and its a big IF you eventually decide (and far too soon to make that call) to try and salvage your marriage make sure he absolutely accepts that as the injured party there is no time limit on your distress. What I mean is it can take a long time to assimilate this level of betrayal and hurt. It might impact you in ways down the line you can’t forsee now too. Last thing you need or deserve is him in a year or two doing the quit bringing it up chat. You should at the very least be able to explore your hurt or highlight ways it’s impacting on you for as long as you need to. He needs to own it and be accountable.
End of the day if you break a plate then say sorry to it, doesn’t do anything to repair the pieces.
If he’s serious about quitting drinking that could be really positive. Would he consider going to AA? With formal support the steps also include evaluating impact of behaviour on others.
Finally and maybe a daft point in closing. Whatever you decide make sure and tell him that you are young enough to start again with someone else. That whatever happens you have a lot to give.
Be last thing you feel like but not bad thing to remind him he’s not the only man on the planet.
Good luck at the counselling tomorrow and try not to get dragged into having to comfort him. If he feels lousy then good.
Hope today goes well too.

This poster makes really good points. Don’t disagree.

The other side of the coin though in practical terms is why should OP and her son suffer financial hardship because of his deplorable actions?

Just highlighting one of many things to consider is if he’s a high earner OP and DS at the very least deserve to benefit from that too. Could he buy them a wee home for example to give at least some security?

Would just add insult to injury if DH in a couple of years if they split then gets a new model and lives high life whilst OP/DS aside from child maintenance might (compared to his lifestyle), struggle.

Men get it so easy. Oh he's had a bad childhood, so he fucks prostitutes 🙄. Tiny 🎻

You had a worse childhood and yet you're the one doing the work on yourself, supporting him and tolerating his behaviours ? (I think you have more work to do about self-worth, because you're amazing and he's just shitting over everything.)

What is he actually doing to put things right? Surely he should be the one ordering STI tests for you both?