Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I think when ds has gone to bed, you need to calmly list the facts of what you've seen and read, allow him to explain himself, but let him know that if you find out hes lying there is no coming back from that.
It's up to you if you work on it or not. I completely understand what you are saying and a lot of the people saying 'just leave' probably have no concept of being completely alone if you leave him.
However, you need to have respect for yourself and decide if he's actually going to seek help for his behaviour and his alcoholism. If he doesn't take steps to do this, he's not trying to fix the relationship.
I definitely think a meeting with your counsellor would be a great idea.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If the answer is to separate, then you need to think that it's better for your son rather than living in an unhappy household xx

He doesn't have to remember, he only needs to look at his phone like you did - WhatsApp, bank, email, it's all there.

He knows you know.

He 1000% absolutely knows what he's done.

Well done for going to your interview.

I really wanted to answer this post: kindly, without putting the boot in further, your DH is NOT a good role model for your son. You need to flip the switch on this one as it will torture you. You aren't smashing up the house, that's your DH.

• he lies to his partner
• he puts his partner's health at risk
• he indulges in all sorts of risky behaviours around sex and alcohol
• he thinks women can be bought and sold for his pleasure.

He is a fucking horrible man and the more you do to limit his influence in your son's life, the better.

I’ve been in a similar situation and took a while but decided to stay and work on things and sad to say, 8 months down the line it is still very hard to think about. Every time they go out or spend too much time on the phone etc you’re wondering…waiting for the next bomb shell.
On the other hand I’ve found working with a therapist on my own incredibly useful and I’ve been able to establish some clear boundaries and expectations just recently. (Yes it took a long time!) It doesn’t just help you with the shit situation but it helps you to think about your wants and needs in general and move away from obsessing about him and his situation.
my situation was similar and I found out 2 days before I started my new dream job role that I had been working towards. I went in to work that day after having an hours sleep and full of anxiety, high pressured environment. Pretty proud of myself for doing that and you should be proud of yourself still managing to go to your interview!
Whilst I have spent the past 8 months wondering what to do, I’ve also been using that time to build myself up…financially, going to the gym, ensuring security with the home and mortgage etc. At the time quite a few on here told me I was stupid to not just leave but I’m quite glad I took the time now. I have everything in place so that if any boundaries are broken I can easily manage on my own with my kids. If I decide in another 6 months I can’t get over it or he isn’t making a huge effort, I can still decide to go.
Take your time. Definitely confront him as his answers might spark you into a decision. Think about what you really want. There is no rush but the worst thing you can do is nothing as you then have no control.
Thinking of you. I know the pain you’re going through and thoughts of what’s wrong with me etc and it’s a really tough place to be. It’s nothing to do with you and it’s his issue completely. You sound stronger than you probably know. Xx

My h confessed to an affair as her husband was going to tell me. I have no family, no money of my own and we'd been together for nearly twenty years with three children. I felt I had no choice but to stay. I still loved him and thought he'd been a good husband and father. I decided everyone was allowed one mistake. His credit was now zero though. It made me very ill with consequences I still live with nine years later.

However, seven years later he then said something completely unforgivable. Due to me thinking I could get past it then an unexpected bereavement we stayed together for another five months before a suicide attempt and a request for space. He did leave but it wasn't to give me space and I knew that actually I was happier without him and it wasn't the case of a few days and I'd be needing him back. I filed for divorce three months later and I'm hopefully moving this month well away from here.

He has been a terrible father since that day and I've found out awful things from my middle child and my kids all say they wish he'd died rather than the person who did.

I felt I put more work into saving our marriage than he did and if he'd not said what he did we might still be together. I'm glad I stayed but so so so happy I'm out of it now.

Listen to your gut. Whatever you decide today doesn't have to be forever. Don't assume your child will not cope with a split. You can't ever stay for the sake of them, it isn't fair.

Good luck. Take care. You've got strength you didn't know you had. It is a given when a child is involved.

What a swine. I’m so sorry. Well done for keeping calm and going to the interview! You sound amazing.

Just one thing in your posts made me feel a bit uneasy on your behalf: nearly every time you mention DC you say "my son", not "our son". (I’m assuming he is DH's biological son?) I understand why you feel that way but I think it would be noticeable to a therapist or mediator or lawyer and might not do you any favours.

Good luck with your discussion with the swine.

You will be unable to trust him again. I agree with other posters who say he is getting his excuses in place by what he is saying. I am wondering what other things he may have done previous to this that you don't know about.

Sorry I would be a nasty bastard in this situation- I’ve stood for a fair bit but prostitutes- absolutely no way - I would be keeping quiet, seeing a solicitor , finding a rental (you may need 6 months upfront in your position) and once sorted - transferring 50% out of joint savings and then tell him you are moving out and why - protect yourself and you son lovely- he is no friend of yours. On the positive side, you are married and he’s a high earner and you have savings so don’t have to wait until a house is sold- you will be ok .

Can I just say you will need to find your best Helen mirren acting to pull it off - but it is possible-I actually found it satisfying being pleasant whilst knowing they would get a huge come uppance- don’t waste your time trying to sort it- 5 years later you will be back here- this won’t be his first time either

The trust has gone.
do you feel you could ever trust him again ?

and can you forgive
and can you forget.

if the answer is no then you know the relationship is over.

and you will be divorcing him, 50% of the assets. change the name on the tenancy if you want to continue living there ? put in a claim for CMS and decide if he is going for 50/50

OP this is absolutely horrendous. I can empathise as my exH did a similar thing to me many years ago and effectively left me with two babies to bring up. I am in awe of how you are managing to remain calm. You have an inner strength that I would have given my right arm for. A couple of decades later, I am the happiest I have ever been with my life. I did remarry and that didn't work out but we are still friends. I have now realised that I am much, much, happier living alone and not sharing my home with anyone other than my beloved pets. To think I was pushed to suicidal thoughts over one 'person" is quite bizarre to me now. I am a million times stronger. The one thing I would change in hindsight, if anything, would have been to stay silent, calm, and not have any dialogue whatsoever other than about the children. You are amazing.

if you choose to stay, do so because he is seeking to prove himself worthy of you every single day - not because you feel you have no other choice and are afraid to be alone and rebuild. Or because you’re afraid he’ll walk away from your son and not give him a second thought. These reasons will only hold you back from making the choice that will serve you and your son best.💕

thanks @TheRealMrsFeltz
This is helpful

Please don’t stay with this vile specimen. 2 prostitutes in one night! You can only imagine how many he has been with over the years.
He will never be able to stop.
You will rebuild your life and find another partner in the future- promise. Don’t settle for this sorry excuse for a man- you’re worth so much more

Whats the betting he will go ballistic as you’re invading his privacy by looking at his phone….
DARVO, (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender,)

Wow OP you are doing amazing staying this calm and focused - leave him - maybe not immediately. If you can hang on long enough to speak to a solicitor, do that, in the meantime start thinking realistically about where you will live. You have actually got through the worst of of it! From now you are only moving towards a better life <3

I still have fantasies about “our little family” but we are no contact (court ordered - court proceedings initiated by him to threaten me) .. and it is better this way. Love, marriage, relationships.. are not what they are portrayed to be. Maybe you can stay, in a loveless marriage, for the lifestyle. All power to you if you choose to do that. Our grandmothers and theirs most likely did too. If you can’t carve out a space in a shared life to be you, fully really truly you - then you’re not doing your kid any favours by staying
I am fascinated to know how you get on. He is a twat. You sound amazing.

An update. We went out to the park all afternoon and our son have a lovely time. He really enjoyed himself. Husband was flagging due to hangover and kept sitting down. I basically ignored him but was polite and calm when I needed to speak to him, and put all my focus on DS. Interestingly DH didn’t bring his phone out with him today which is unheard of, so we actually had his full attention (despite hangover) which I saw DS really enjoyed. Usually he’d be checking his work phone every 20 minutes or so. Perhaps he finally felt the need for a detox.

At home I got husband to read son’s story books at bedtime, giving me time to change our bedsheets. Last night he stank of booze and was it my imagination or a sex workers perfume?

I then met him downstairs and told him that “in a nutshell I know everything you did last night and everything you did on your overseas work trip.” I explained that he’d been blind drunk last night and collapsed mid WhatsApp, so I looked on his phone and have seen receipts, uber rides and the full chats. I asked do I need to elaborate? he said no, then proceeded to admit to everything. I said if you’ve decided this marriage is over please leave immediately. If not then I will need time to make decisions and I’m in no position to be doing that just now having had one hours sleep and a taxing interview (yes I said thanks a bunch for sabotaging that too). Therefore you will need to sleep elsewhere. I need a week of separation and space to get my head around things. We will reconvene next Saturday and try to have a conversation one way or another. In the meantime I need space.

He accepted everything and was crying. He said he’s got a massive problem (no shit Sherlock) and this past month since the overseas trip he’s lost control of his life. He went to a casino before finding the sex worker on the overseas trip and says he’s spiralled and doesn’t know what he’s doing. He said I don’t deserve any of it. I said I don’t want to hear it all just now. You need to take accountability in your life. I also made a link to his father (who took no accountability for anything and devastated numerous lives) which I admit was designed to jolt him a bit and see the potential damage he could do our son, if I let him - which I won’t.

anyway that’s that. He’s sleeping on the sofa tonight as we are going to attend this special day out for our son tomorrow - it’s been planned so long and he’s so excited we both agreed to present a united front to let DS enjoy his treat.

From Monday husband will be working in the office all week and I’ll have DS with a few holiday activities when I can catch up on work and maybe get some headspace. Husband will need to make arrangements about where he is sleeping as it won’t be near me, I’ve said.

I’ve booked a 1-1 with the couples counsellor on Monday. She was great at making space for me urgently.

I will also arrange STI test on Monday.

I’ve also transferred half the home sale proceeds to my account - it’s not much, £20k, and that’s all I have in the world. We are in London so life is costly.

I’m now lying in my clean bedsheets wondering how I’m feeling. It’s still fairly numb and I’ve noticed how resilient I am at just getting in with it, but also that worries me as I don’t want to be repressing my feelings. However for now maybe that’s needed to survive and on Monday I can sob it all out to our counsellor.

Thank you for all the support today, which was genuinely helpful. If anyone has any advice about the next few days, getting through please tell me.

one thing- I did find myself wanting to hug husband when he was bereft and crying - I DID NOT - but you can’t just switch off love can you. And yet he did when he shagged those women- baffling. Just mindful of the ease in which I (we?) can forgive.

You might not be able to switch off love but they can absolutely do or say things that mean it ends right there. It happened to me.

Well done OP. You are strong and you and your DS deserve better.

You’re so impressive @beingstrongmumma well done for being so assertive, calm and pragmatic.

It’s good he hasn’t tried to make false promises or pass blame - but he does sound like he’s in a very negative cycle and needs professional help to deal with what sound like very deep rooted issues.

I would be reflecting not on the sex workers in isolation, but whether you can live with - and subject your son to - tying your life to someone who has such self destructive behaviours, the consequences of which threaten your physical health, and you and your child’s financial stability and your emotional security. It sounds like even if you both want to make a go of getting past this he is not in a place to do this right now. What has triggered this latest episode? Has this happened previously? What else has happened since he’s been back from abroad?

He needs to sort himself out, and you need to decide whether you want to put yourself through supporting him to do this.

You sound very very strong - but do allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel; don’t bury those feelings too deep. This really is both a heart and head decision.
How would you feel if he decides he wants to end the marriage now? Is that something to explore with your counsellor?

Can you put your son into a holiday club (get DH to pay) so you have time to yourself - it might be a emotional strain to keep the show on the road for the whole week for him.

Gosh @beingstrongmumma you did so well today. And this is how you carry on - set targets - one step, one hour, one day, at a time. Tomorrow is for your son. Planning will help, so you have the next thing to look to after ticking off each step. One foot in front of the other. Whatever the day brings, time passes, you will find you have ups and downs but you will get through it.

You're doing great op.

Just be very wary of this united front behaviour over the next couple of weeks. I understand completely why you want to do it, but it's also a very easy way to numb your rage by comforting yourself with 'normal routines'.

I have a friend who is not in the same situation, but who has been on a similar merry go round, where she has to 'just get through this next thing' which then takes her right back to square one, and she's been in this cycle for years.

@beingstrongmumma well done x it’s so very very hard I know -

OP, it’s awful what you are going through…

He is crying because he feels sorry for himself, facing the music, losing his family, reasons coming out. Watch out he does not recover and start to share the blame, find faults with you that have pushed him towards destructive behaviour. Before you know it, you are going out of your way to fix him and ease his suffering. Once he feels better and safer, he will be back on the game.

Sunken cost, this one.

Boringly pragmatically;
I’ve also transferred half the home sale proceeds to my account - it’s not much, £20k and this is all I have in the world.

Plus CMS, single person council tax deduction if he moves out (25%), possibly UC etc. If he doesn’t move out, you’ve enough for a deposit and several months rent if you decide to leave. Financially, it could be a lot lot worse. You’ve got this. 💕