Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

This is absolutely horrid. I would get my ducks in a row and leave the marriage as it won't get any better. Be careful with the confrontation as he'll gaslight you and spin it around on you blaming you for going through his phone. Can you get a full time job? If he has a high paying job take half his money and his pension in the divorce

They rent

They have savings form selling their house though.

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-sti-testing-and-treatment

Well done for getting through the interview.

Well, I think the answer to your question is that it’s difficult to imagine a life without our little family. I have no-one else. We had plans and dreams like everyone does. I have no fallback option or family to support me. My fallback is just me and my son by ourselves. It’s hard to believe that’s all gone / not salvageable. Even though I know he’s broken it.

My darling - you have the sisterhood of MN. Not the same, I know, but we're all here for you. 😘

My late DH was a tour manager for some very well-known groups in the late 1980's-early 1990's. I knew that he was probably unfaithful to me when on tour although he always denied it. Until one day I lost a <much wanted> pregnancy because he'd given me chlamydia. I had an ectopic PG &, because I take major painkillers for another condition, it was only when it got to crisis point & collapsed at work I was taken into hospital. Long story short - I had my left fallopian tube & ovary removed & (because everything was so swollen & infected) had to go back into hospital about 10 days later for further investigations- I had to sign a consent form to give me a hysterectomy if necessary. I was 28 & had already suffered 4 miscarriages. Luckily enough I didn't need a hysterectomy. I was devastated and told my husband that I wanted a divorce. I couldn't forgive him for potentially robbing me of the child that I so badly wanted.

You are a strong woman. I'm very impressed at how you've dealt with this. You should be proud of yourself. Please feel free to PM me.

Yes, good idea to talk to your counsellor alone.

You are right that your son is your priority. Maybe say to DH that you need to Talk, but you not ready yet. He's likely to feel guilty about last night & assume your problem is about him getting blind drunk. He will know what he's done as he's already looked at his WhatsApp messages & is wondering if you've seen them. Let him sweat. You hold all the cards. Yes, play 'Happy Families' for your son tomorrow. Then pick your time to confront hi.m. Possibly talk to your counsellor before you do - they may be able to arrange a phone appointment as is an emergency. Also don't do anything until you've taken legal advice.

Reiterate - you are a strong woman, you've have dealt with this in the most impressive way - your son is lucky to have you as his mum.

Good luck. Take care. As I say happy for you to PM me. x

The way I’m feeling is like this. Imagine you had a house, which you made your own, a beautiful warm family home. You invested everything into making it lovely. Then one day you come home and a bomb has blown it to smithereens. You look at the damage. Your instinct is to try to see if there’s anything in the rubble that’s salvageable. You can’t just walk off. You are standing in the ruins of everything that you ever had. You wonder if the house is gone forever, or if it can be rebuilt with a few cracks, or even rebuilt but this time even better designed, stronger and smarter than the original house was. Either way, you need time to mourn your house, assess the damage and see what is or isn’t possible.

I‘m so sorry, this is a horrible shock and takes time to really absorb.
I had to confront my husband about an affair, I decided to be extremely calm and keep my anger for another time.
He had been away ‘with mates on a pub crawl’ one weekend. He wasn’t.
I did not confront until the Monday night, I had a gut feeling, no concrete evidence until the Sunday night when I looked in his coat pocket and a receipt for a meal for two with the date and time on it proved me right.
I let him go to work as usual on the Monday to give me time to think and turn the house over for more clues as to what I was dealing with.
I confronted him the Monday night after the kids were in bed, I decided to see how far he was prepared to go with his bullshit. I asked how the weekend had gone, let him lie his socks off for a while, messed with him a bit (pathetic probably but it made me feel I had the upper hand) by forcing bogus answers to questions about the places he’d allegedly been to, then I asked him where he had eaten.
He obviously lied about that and I put on my puzzled voice and said “Oh. That’s odd. So you didn’t go to X at Y o’clock and have a romantic meal for two with a bottle of white wine?’
Very shocked silence.
I said calmly “You took a woman to that hotel, didn’t you?” And he just said “yes”.
The bit I really regret in how I handled it is then asking what she was like (hurt and anger getting the better of me, don’t let it, ask nothing) and allowing myself to be subjected to a cocky reply. He regretted that less than a minute later, believe me. Cocky went out of the window.
I took a breath and calmly asked him what he was going to do about it and if he wanted out, could he please just pack some stuff now and leave, he knew where the door was, and I’d tell the kids in the morning.
I said if not, his deciding to stay only meant I was willing to discuss it, not that I was going to permanently let him.
He said, “I can’t believe you’re being so reasonable about it”
I said something like, “Please don’t be stupid enough to take this as me being ‘reasonable’ to you. I’m just being practical. There are two children asleep across the landing. One of us has to be the adult and it’s clearly not you.”
Then the full shock of the consequences and what he’d done really hit him and he started sobbing and saying he’d ruined his life and he was an idiot and he was so, so sorry etc etc. I told him to shut up, I didn’t need to hear it because I already knew that, but it as it hadn’t made any difference to him before the weekend or stopped him, I couldn’t really see what difference it made now.
I’ve told you my story because I would have really regretted an angry, ranty, emotional confrontation, I was despairing and broken, but I wanted to convey disgust and contempt, not a broken heart and I don’t want that for you either.
Be calm, just tell him in your flattest voice that you know what he’s done.
Then tell him what you want to happen next. Don’t let him control the narrative or practical considerations.
Calm will scare the shit out of him more than anger or a willingness to argue.
Don’t engage in whatever happens next, or respond to any argument, just calmly say you really don’t need to hear reasons or excuses because there are none, you know all you need to know.
You need your calmest dignity which gives you the upper hand now. I know what a huge ask it is, but you will be so glad later that you did.
Plan for right now, just the very short term, then it doesn’t overwhelm you when you are in the state you are no doubt in now and big practical decisions are for later when you’re not in shock. What do you want to happen today? For the rest of the week?
The big picture will come to you, just plan for protection and survival now.
And yes, it is very lonely when you’re the only one who knows and I’m so sorry. I chose to carry my secret alone for 48 hours whilst I decided what to do in the short term and they were the longest of my life.

It's terrible that he has done this to you, and it must be terrible to realise how your future life has been changed by his actions. But almist certainly not as terrible as the prospect of carrying on living with, and having a relationship with, and trying (and inevitably failing) to forgive the man who has done this. You have your wonderful little boy.

@beingstrongmumma I know this is a long post to quote but @Thewookiemustgo has nailed it really. Give yourself space to think. This was happening long before you found out - don’t be rushed into a response. But do maybe safeguard your share of joint savings.

I just think he'll blow it up again if you try to rebuild with him. His track record sounds appalling and how much can you overlook or "work through" - it's cheating with prostitutes.

And not for the first time. It tends to be a habit with "punters".

And surely all this will change the way you feel about him? You might desperately want to hold onto the relationship now in the immediate pain, but it's going to leave scars, resentment and damage to your self-esteem.

If you do decide to stay, in the aftermath, really focus on building up a support network of friends and a life outside your relationship. Don't be reliant on a man who proves himself so untrustworthy.

Also, if you have a 4 year old, you're not staring down the barrel of a solitary old age any time soon. You have decades ahead of you to have a great life and find new love if you want to.

I'm glad the interview went well, just goes to show how capable you are despite him, not because of him.

I've been thinking about you this morning OP and rooting for you.
You've got this 💐

You definitely need a check for STI's. There would be no way back from this for me. He has broken your marriage contract and totally disrespected you. Get copies of his pension, any of his pay slips, bank statements and grab your marriage certificate, take half of the money out of savings account and put into an account just in your name
Go to visit a solicitor and find out what your position might be. Personally if friends/family asked why you were breaking up I'd tell them he's been visiting prostitutes. What scum he is, whilst you are concerned about your ds all he cares about is having sex with prostitutes. I'd go for your interview, ask him to leave and claim UC.

He is a mirage. He is not a good role model.
He is a shit partner. He has already put you through misery, you suck it up & go to counseling, you attempt to keep sticking your life together. He repeatedly tears it to pieces

I suppose you could say ‘you know how just last week we were saying it was good our son had two present parents as good role models? How do you think you’d feel remembering saying that just the week before finding out your partner is sleeping with prostitutes and actually your son only has one good role model? I feel like I’ve lost so much since that conversation, including my view of who you are and who we are. Who I thought we were, anyway.

I hear about what you're saying about seeing what remains with the house analogy. I think that all depends on what happens when you confront. If he tries to blame you - it's done.

You need to work out what your hard lines are at confrontation and go from there.

It sounds like you want to try and work it out. That's okay if you want to try but he has to be honest to deserve that chance - I think many men fail at this hurdle.

Forgot to say - massive well done for going to that interview, that must've been very hard and I applaud your bravery.

Since being home he’s kept asking what happened last night. I’ve said we are not speaking about it till DS bedtime is done. He keeps saying but did you gave to help me in, what happened as if he genuinely can’t remember. But surely he does remember what he got up to. Is he just pretending? He said I’m sorry about last night but I was rushing past with DS and just said not now. I think he’s saying sorry for getting so drunk. He’s also just said he’s got a problem with alcohol. We are going to the park with our DS and I’m ploughing in cheerfully in front of him. This is hard - we would normally hold hands on the way, chat etc. I’m just in shock and I feel like he’s just waiting to get me in my own.

Thank you! It wasn’t easy on about an hours sleep. But I did it!

He is setting the scene that he was too drunk to remember anything including seeing prostitutes. He’ll say it was a one off that he doesn’t remember. That someone must have put him up to it. Until you point out you know he’s done the same abroad. Then he’ll say he has an alcohol problem or a sex addiction and will you help him. Don’t fall for it.

Well done for keeping calm.

He knows that you know something/have seen something and is desperately trying to get reassurance that you haven’t, and he keeps going on about the drunk stuff to cover.
I bet they were all young too 🤢 men are fucking gross. I’m so sorry OP.

Definitely, he’ll be desperately trying to come up with the best lies and excuses.

You’re doing amazingly.

He remembers full well what he’s done. And if he didn’t remember then his WhatsApp will fill him in.

Re the house analogy - the one thing you wouldn’t do if he’d just blown up your beautiful house is to try and stay in the rubble of it with him. You’d both move out and you’d have to take some time to decide whether you wanted to rebuild it for you and DS or whether you could ever trust him to set foot inside it again. Thats 100% on him. All you need to do for now is to look after yourself and DS. Let him stew.

And please don’t worry about statistics re separating. My DCs have been in a single parent household most of their lives. They’re happy and well adjusted adults, with great jobs, excellent qualifications and DS1 has a loving partner and his own home in the near future. They have a close relationship with both me and their dad.

You don’t have to tolerate the disrespect to give your DS a good life. I promise.

So he's laying the groundwork to say he blacked out with too much alcohol and was "just looking" at prostitutes or was out of control because of the booze and didn't know what he was doing.

And again in March? 🤔

Whatever you do, make sure to take your share from joint accounts before confronting him.

I cannot state this more emphatically.

It's horribly common for men to drain joint a counts when confronted, leaving women with nothing so they have to keep him around or beg for chump change.

And don't think he won't. Because they do. And I'm sure you never thought he'd cheat either.

Make sure you have your share in your own account before next steps or before he cottons on you might know. So, now.