Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

He gives me heebie jerbies from here too. Not respecting your no and following you around.

Also get the vibe he wanted to ruin your mindset for your interview like the pp mentioned. Has he form for such things? Ruining special occasions...things you're excited for...or suddenly having emergencies when he knows you're busy with something important. Just out of interest. Not that it matters on top of him being a mysoginystic, prostitute using cunt TBF.

You will have another family with a better dh and a more stable father figure for your little boy. Life isn’t over when you stop trying to put out this house fire. Life starts when you walk away and begin living freely and honestly with your little boy without having to carry this addicted/faker of a dh. I am very sympathetic to him, by the way, there is clearly a lot if trauma and dysfunction in his childhood. But once or twice you are a victim—when you drag your wife and child into your addictions and miseries you can become a perpetrator.

He won’t improve. You must get out.

TBF there are houses with some damp patches and cracks in the wall... But I'm not sure anyone can hold a house together after a giant big wreckingball has swung through it several times and, clearly could do do again at any point in future no matter how much you mean to try to fix the damage in the meantime.

You can't heal a wound with a knife still in it. And a knife will never not be a knife.

You've had some great advice, I really hope you find the strength to move on, you really shouldn't consider trying to work on your marriage.
I just wanted to say re going to the park, doing activities, sticking to plans etc, your world has just imploded, your allowed to fuck everything off. This is so much bigger than all of it and there's no reason to be keeping things normal or keeping the peace, you can do whatever you need to do to get through this, good luck x

And don't convince yourself you are doing it for your son. You are not. Your son would be just as happy if you took him to the park alone.

long term this will have a detrimental impact on your son.

So sorry OP. What a dreadful shock for you.

No, I don’t think there is any coming back from this, and once you have recovered from this initial shock and found your anger, you will see that.

Men who use sex workers hate women. Have no respect for them. Your son needs to be protected from his abhorrent views. He has exposed you to disease (and possibly your DS if he was using sex workers whilst you were pregnant) without any care.

You will never be able to trust a single word he says ever again.

Please get legal advice and see if there is someone you can talk to in real life. Your therapist is a good start. 💐

Yeah he is getting the excuses in place so they look freezable

Op, this happened to me too. I had a thread under a different user name on here at the time. I am a couple of years on. I stayed. I am not sure I would have done though if we had only had one child but we have largely come out the other side and now (2 years on) I am mostly glad that I didn’t just divorce him (which was most definitely my original plan).

try and find out the extent of it so you know what you are dealing with - car sat nav, google maps on his phone, cash withdrawal (although many of them take bank transfer). Does he have a cocaine problem too? Make sure your house money is still intact.

100%

You are really brave still going to the interview I hope it went well for you! If I was you I’d be telling him to leave and getting booked in for a std test just to be on the safe side. I think rolling in waking you up when you have a interview isnt great and that’s without the other part. Sending you a hug xx

You’re already showing how strong, calm, determined you are by holding your shit together today. You’ve got this. You and your boy deserve better ❤️

This is shockingly callous op. I’d assume he took the opportunity to delete the messages but even if not, it will have reminded him of what he did last night as they’ll be his last sent.

He sounds like he’s got real issues, and yes he may have a drink problem, sex addiction etc etc. It might all be part of the same self destructive behaviours. And maybe he’s willing and able to work through those and maybe you can forgive them. But what you may find is that it’s the lying and deception you can’t get past. He didn’t fess up when he saw his WhatsApp this morning, he didn’t fess up when he shagged a sex worker less than a month ago but you know for sure both times he’s come back to you and carried on as normal. And you don’t really know what else he’s done and lied about.

If you choose to stay, do so because he is seeking to prove himself worthy of you every single day - not because you feel you have no other choice and are afraid to be alone and rebuild. Or because you’re afraid he’ll walk away from your son and not give him a second thought. These reasons will only hold you back from making the choice that will serve you and your son best.💕

Firstly, I don't think there is any coming back from this and secondly do you really want to live with a man who uses prostitutes, has an alcohol problem and fuck knows what else? He isn't going to improve with age like a fine wine I can assure you. At the moment your DH is playing "good parent" and your son knows no different but in years to come I fail to see how he can possibly be a role model on any level. I'm sorry you're going through this but you will make it without him.

I think your plan to talk to your therapist is the best thing

Contact her asap -if possible broadly outline what's happened - she might see you quickly

I’m so glad you managed to get to your interview and do well- you’re amazing.
i also understand your instinct to want to salvage something of your little family- especially when you don’t have the wider support of other family members.

However, can I (gently, and I’m so sorry to say this) suggest that you are romanticising the little family bubble that you have and seeing it through rose tinted specs. What you thought you had does not exist- it’s a fantasy. Because your husband is a liar, with addictive tendencies, who uses sex workers. He thinks so little of you that he will endanger your health, spend family money on his expensive “hobby” of shagging prostitutes, all while maintaining the pretence of working through your issues together in therapy. This last element in particular is an absolute slap in the face to you. How fucking dare he waste your time, your hope and your vulnerability like that.

So …. as you look around the wreckage of your marriage looking for what you can rescue, look with fresh eyes at each thing that you previously held dear. Nothing is as it seems, and it never was. He was a pretender and it wasn’t real.

Your son’s chances are not halved if you separate (not unless you think his dad will disappear from his life.) Nobody is suggesting that you murder him (although no sane jury would convict; lol!) He is perfectly able to co-parent with you from your separate homes, and he can still be a fantastic father figure and positive role model (so long as you are able to ensure your son never finds out that he’s actually a grubby punter.)
If he is a high earner then you should be able to get decent child maintenance. This doesn’t have to mean the end of your dreams. They might look a little different for a while but don’t you deserve a man who is worthy of you? And no man is better than the one you’ve landed with right now.

OP I am so sorry. That’s absolutely devastating. Not sure if you can move on from it but absolutely kick him out of your bed or tell him to go with no contact for a week to let you think about what YOU are going to do.
Weakness the last thing you need just now. Forgive too easily and he will do it again. If you are headed for divorce it will be likely he moves to limit his financial liability.
Counselling for you and a one hour session with a divorce solicitor should at least help you get your head straight and know what worst case scenario is.
To lose your family, security and future you hoped for makes it all even more cruel.
Just hard to imagine how he could lead a double life of sorts then play happy families.
Well done indeed going to your interview. You might not have close family but one stranger to another be thinking about you and feel your pain. Good luck tonight and just remember you don’t deserve this. Also its his actions not tears or words that matter. Don’t cover for him either. The shame is his too.

Oh OP, I’m really sorry. Sending you love and thoughts as you try to stay strong. Men can be shits

Are you serious can we get past this??? Of course you can he can keep using prostitutes and you can just ignore it until maybe you are infected with scabies or HIV or sypilys or gonnoreah or lice or herpes or hepatitis or herpes , so fill your boots and teach you son by example what it means to be a man, this isn't the 1st time you have just found out this time and no don't tell.him you know go to Norfolk with your son and create a row to say you are going alone and see a solicitor and then chuck him out ,
.

He doesn't know you know (hopefully) which is why he's focussing on the drunk part

I agree with other posters, he is setting up an excuse - alcohol problem, depression, exhaustion due to his work pressures, sex addition (or some other thing) - and then turn the guilt on you: how can you be so cruel when he has this problem, you should be helping him...

Or he will turn it on you - your mental state after the birth of your child, him needing to support you to get your career stablised, the state of your sex life: how he is soooo unappreciated when all he done is support you...

Please do not fall for any of this shit.

Do not get into a discussion with him tonight. Simply tell him that he knows what he's done, you know what he's done, and that he has to give you some space. If he claims 'he can't remember' then reply that he needs some space so he can recall and remember. It is NOT your job to remind him or tell him.

@beingstrongmumma You said you wished you had a supportive sister. Can you create an imagined conversation with an imaginary sister? What would she say? If I was your sister I would be appalled at your h's bevaviour. I would not minimise it. I would encourage you to get some space to get your head round things and work out where you go from here and how. Ideally that would be him leaving, but if he won't then can you and your ds go somewhere? A local premier inn? rent an airbnb for a week? If you don't get some space then I fear your h will browbeat you with questions or excuses or apologies (as he has been doing this morning).

If I were your sister I'd then support you to get all the information you can about your individual and joint financial position, and to seek legal advice about the possible outcome if you divorce. I would emphasise that you do not have to divorce but that you need this information so you can weigh up all aspects of your decision.

If I were your sister I would encourage you to imagine you and your son being happy, secure and settled. You can do that on your own. And more secure and happier than if you are anxiously looking over your shoulder in case his dad is 'up to something - again'.

I mean surely it's not easy for a wrecked person to find, contact and arrange to meet several prostitutes. Possibly at their address? That would take some level of focus.

If I'm wrecked I can barely remember an uber I ordered 5 minutes ago.

So maybe he got extra drunk after the prostitutes. Or was already playing it up for plausible deniability.

Out of interest,how did he get home?
Hope he didn't drive.

Just want to say I’m in awe of you for holding it together, managing to get to an interview on one hours sleep, and keeping your powder dry. I think I’d have exploded by now.

I think he knows exactly what he’s done, and he knows you know.

“I have a problem with alcohol” is him laying the groundwork for alcohol to be the excuse/reason for it all.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP. It's absolutely heartbreaking for you. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking he was so drunk he has no idea what he did, as he sounds like he's already leaning that way.

Disgusting excuse for a man.
You need to do your interview and then get an STI test urgently.
Then kick him out and engage a solicitor

Just to add OP that he is a terrible role model for your DS. Far better role modelling is you kicking him to the curb. This will send a much healthier message to your DS about what a 'real man' is and how men should behave towards women.

Stand strong. Your life is in tatters now, but you will get through this - as horrible as it will be in the short term.